Bettering Yourself
It's true that nobody is perfect. Most people want to improve themselves somehow. I know that I do, but I'm never sure where to start.

If you could give one piece of advice to help someone become a better person, what would it be?

If you've changed yourself, what were you like before, and what did you do, how long did it take?

Stories!
(stapleface, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 20:48, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I just noticed
that on one of this week's QOTW posts there is a sporting debate about the (de)merits of football (both the UK and US versions). This has shocked me - perhaps it was near-sighted of me but b3tans never struck me as the sports debate type. So fuck it - how about we here some rip-roaring sporting anecdotes from everyone?
(GONEism, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 18:19, Reply)

I've just been to a gig
and I saw some absolute psycho woman there. She was waving her arms around as though she were dead and being controlled by strings like a Thunderbird puppet. Worse still she was edging closer to the stage and crying hysterically. What's the most insane, freakish and/or disturbing thing you have ever seen at a gig?
(GONEism, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 17:45, Reply)

Bookmark gems
The recent QOTW about books that changed your life offered many a great recommendation for future reading, so I thought it'd be fun to see what your favourite internets are.

So, what are your bookmark gems?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 9:26, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Your 15 minutes of popularity or admiration.
Me and a friend of mine made a video for our year group when we left upper school, (quite recently actually, for you see, I am a teenager).
The video was widely regarded as a success, well shot, nicely edited (on Sony Vegas 6, not the amateury Windows Movie Maker shite)and me and my friend enjoyed widespread, if somewhat short-lived admiration from staff and pupils alike.

We've all been popular at one time or another, so why not share your story.

Length? Well it was about 15 minutes long, hardly worth the 2 weeks of filming or 6 hours it spent to put together the first cut!

By the way, comment if you would like a link to it on google video.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 0:35, Reply)

Characters in pubs
Among the few 'interesting' characters we get in the pub where I work some evenings are...

Cain, who, incidentally, thinks he is the original Cain, and therefore immortal (he's shown me the alleged 'mark of Cain' on his wrist so I'm sure he's right) he stumbled down the immigrant part of town one sunny afternoon, declaring loud Holy War on the Muslims...when he got stabbed in the back (with a little pen knife) all that did was make him even more adamant that he is immortal, since he got straight back up to start ranting again...

Then there's another guy, elderly, and definitely black ...but rants and raves about teh 'fucking darkies!!' And how he hates them!! And when they appear on the tv he has to switch it off!! (and then presumbably come to teh pub to terrorise us.....)

Co-incidentally, Cain once chased him down the street with a knife..not sure if that was Holy War or just Larkin About....

There is Big Eyes...a little guy, about my height (five foot two) who doesn't speak...just squeaks a little and gestures at the John Smiths pump...he has HUGE eyes...I did try to engage him in a little friendly chat but it was no good, so I just leave him be now...

James is a sweet guy, elderly again, I'd say about 70 - he's got OCD, we think he forgets to eat for a few days, and boy, does he make up for it when he remembers - he has two dinners, two plates of bread and butter and normally extra potatoes and gravy too, then a sponge pudding (and always badgers for a few sachets of sugar too) followed by a bowl of icecream...all of which he vaguely aims at his mouth, constantly apologising (bless him) when we clear up the mess....and apologising also when he gets a bit confused when we tidy up near him, and he gets 'a bit excited' .... hmm....

That, on top of the ghostly occurences at the place, make for an entertaining evening, and makes me feel at home...

All the best peeps hang out in pubs like this...surely there must be more stories??
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 23:37, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

what's the nicest thing that's ever happened to you?
Go on - we could all do with cheering up sometimes.
(teasus likes tea, Tue 23 Sep 2008, 20:36, Reply)

Putting poppers in a smoke machine
Tell us about the time you put poppers in a smoke machine.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 22 Sep 2008, 16:40, Reply)

It's not really an anecdote-y QOTW...
I was just watching the meme of that chav kicking a concrete wall and subsequently crushing his leg, and it got me thinking.

Were people that stupid before the internet, or did places such as YouTibe spawn a new breed of super-unintelligent supertwats?
(GONEism, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 23:22, Reply)

Best Comebacks.........
A few of us were in the pub one afternoon ripping the piss out of an absent mate who was due to meet us soon,
My friend sends him a text “Are you wearing that gay pink shirt again tonight?”
1 second later the reply came....
“yeah, your missus is just ironing it whilst i'm washing my cock in your sink”.

What's your best comebacks???
( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 15:20, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

The inexorable decline of the QOTW
Recent QOTW's havent been massively popular. So. A compromise. Let the winner choose next weeks question from the ones suggested here. That way, Rob et al can offload the blame to the dirty proles.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 19 Sep 2008, 1:03, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Best Costumes
I'm thinking of going as a Flux Capacitor to Mr. B3ka's Dr. Emmett Brown this Halloween.

What are the best/worst/laziest Halloween/Fancy Dress/etc. costumes you've seen?
(b3kaMN, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 17:42, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Brawling in Public
My whole family is a bit hot headed. My Croatian gran, bless her heart, is no exception. She was in a long queue and passing the time talking to the burly 22 year old in front of her. It came out in conversation that the guy was Serbian. Cue my tiny, frail little granny hurling herself at him and trying to punch him in the nose. With no effect whatsoever unless you count everyone else in the store pissing themselves laughing.

What public brawls have you seen/ participated in? Extra points if they were fighting for a really stupid reason.
(TheWonderfulWombat It came to me in a dream., Thu 18 Sep 2008, 17:27, Reply)

Amusing violence
I once went to a halloween party dressed as Jesus (I had long hair, wore a old bedsheet for robes, red hair dye for nail holes and used sparklers as a crown of thorns.

I got in a fight with a bloke dressed as the Devil. It only lasted a few punches until we realised how ridiculous this must have looked so we tootled off for a beer together.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 13:59, Reply)

Warnings / Instructions
I recently bought some peanuts from Sainsburys.
The warning on it...?
"Warning: Contains nuts"
... Nuff said?
(One_Winged_Angel Ich Dien, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 11:40, Reply)

Labels and warnings
Yesterday I bought some sealant for my kitchen, which I'm refitting (slowly and amateurishly). The tube says that it dries "in at least 24 hours".

To my mind, that translates as meaning that, at some point between now and the end of the universe, the sealant will dry. I'm neither surprised nor reassured by this.

What ridiculous labels and warnings have you seen recently?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 11:00, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Bizarre Gifts
My girl friend bought me some boxer briefs the other day and now I am wearing them I have discovered they have a little cup for holding my sprouts.

I am wearing bra pants.

(They feel weird)
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 9:02, Reply)

Dream a little dream......
I once dreamt that I was being chased around my home by Hannibal Lector while dressed in my bedroom attire.

Have you any dreams you'd like to share?*

* = Copyright "The Corrs".
(The Stig, Thu 18 Sep 2008, 7:57, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

I spy sillyness
I once saw a lecturer of mine walking along the kerb by themselves trying to balance in much the same way a 5 year old might.
When they noticed me watching it seemed very hard for them to act authoritarian again!

What silly things have you caught people doing?
( palmr The speaking clock says:, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 19:13, 3 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Celebrity Karma
I've seen plastered all over the tabloids recently that Jade Goody is as good as dead and to be honest i'm delighted,fucking shit-thick,fuck ugly offence to evolution.Which celebrities would you like to see dead and how?
(yob soddoth happiness is a Dane called Hamlet?, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 15:58, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Techno no! No! NO! NO! NO!!!
So, you text merrily and end up sending a raunchy one to your ex by accident.

You email you friend telling them your boss is a complete dog rapist only to make them the recipient.

You fly into an e-rage and send a torrent of abuse only to let out a primal scream mere seconds after clicking send.

How has technology given you a karmic spanking?
(GirlOfTheWorld, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 10:50, Reply)

Best nicknames
Funniest monikers assigned to your friends and colleagues.

Working in a publishing house, the main boss was known for cost cutting and generally being the counter of beans. He was nicknamed, 'The Count'
(and he looked a little bit like Dracula.)

Then he laid off a load of staff, and will forever be known as:

Count Sackula.
(whitehorse, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 10:17, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

catching your parents in the glorius act!
Oh fucking dear i hear the masses cry, all that therapy has failed to wipe that image from your nonce. you know the one, you wake up in the night and hear noises that are strange and irregular. so your first instinct is to find mummy and daddy. you open the bedroom door and are greeted with the sight of your old man bending your mother over and giving her the beans.

So it's time to tell all and sundry about you or your parents being caught in the act?
(CaptainCuntyBollocks the man who can with a frying pan full of lamb, Wed 17 Sep 2008, 8:26, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Guilt
When was the last time you felt reeeeeeeeeeeally guilty? Guilty like the proper Megashit you are?
(Rushy, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 23:58, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Stuff you have done to peoples food 'cause they had pissed you off.
When I worked in a nightclub, I done a greeny in a sandwich. Long story, but I found the sarny with the bit I spat in chewed off, and the rest of it strewn on the floor.

I also know someone who works in a restaurant. He had a steak returned because it was under cooked, although he cooked it fine. He rubbed it on his crotch a few time, reheated it then sent it out again.

There must be some corkers out there. Have you stirred your bosses tea with a tampon, have you cum in the cookie doe? I think it would be fun to find out.
( @RBFesquire Good luck b3ta, was nice knowing you. So long., Tue 16 Sep 2008, 19:04, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

How have you managed to fuck up a relationship?
Predictive text has a nasty habit of recognising your commonly used words, as a direct result of this, an excess use of the term wank and or wanker along with a slightly clumsy thumb I managed to tell one ex that I was planning a wank with some friends in a country park, and asked if she'd like to join us. She did not see the funny side of my error so it was probably for the best.

Surely you guys have done worse.
( Muns, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 19:01, Reply)

What about
Things that make you laugh.

Silly little things that amuse you and make you smile. For me, it's when birds run. They wobble all over the shop and could just use their wings! Muppets.

It'd be a nice happy QOTW and EVERYONE laughs so everyone could find something to write!
(Lucy Van Pelt embracing ginlovers, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 13:30, Reply)

...and they've never let me forget it.
Like the first time Mrs G and I went to the beach, not so long after we first got together. She went into the sea and as she emerged, the water plastered her hair to her head, exposing her pixie-like ears, causing me to laugh and point at her saying: "You look like a pixie"

I thought this was quite a nice thing to say. She didn't. And she's never let me forget that 'insult' to her ears.

There's another much more embarassing moment, but I'll save that one.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 13:14, Reply)

The things that only you notice
(or you think you do)

Haven't really got an answer, and would probably be a rubbish qotw.

Waste of a post really...
(gin'll fix it, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 11:44, Reply)

It's Not What It Looks Like!
People... They seem to have a knack for walking in at just the wrong time, when you're doing just the wrong thing.

"I was just seeing what it felt like to have a grand in my pocket, I wasn't stealing it"

"She was checking out a rash I've got, darling, I promise"

"Well, my clothes got wet, so did his... Yes, officer, huddling together to conserve body heat... Yes officer, he's five... No Officer... I'm not his Dad."
( Cawl, Tue 16 Sep 2008, 9:59, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)