When climbing the stairs
I pretend I'm a lorry climbing a hill. I make low engine noises under my breath, with "changing down a gear" noise complete with the hand movement of pushing the gearstick forwards.

What are the silly little things do you do to amuse yourself?

Posts about wanking will not be allowed.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 10:03, Reply)

Proposals
Time for a fluffy QOTW

How did you / are you going to pop the question?
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 2:43, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

I have been roped into going to a U2 concert Friday night.
I'm not a U2 fan.
Tell us your stories of times when you played the part of 'tag-a-long' or when your friends got you to do something you really didn't want to.
(nolongernuts, Thu 16 Jun 2011, 2:02, Reply)

Bodged
Windscreen people came to replace my cracked windscreen and cracked the new one while fitting it. Then asked if I was happy to keep it.

What spectacular service fuckups have you experienced recently?
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Wed 15 Jun 2011, 22:57, Reply)

Failure.
I fail at life in too many ways to list, a sample includes:
Fail to become an alcoholic -- I drink a fair bit every day but can't descend into breakfast drinking and the like.
Fail at work -- I should have a load of MCSE-type qualifications but just failed to get any.
The list goes on. So, anyone else a complete failure?
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Wed 15 Jun 2011, 19:16, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Children.
Do you think children have no manners, like they did when you were young?


Were you a good kid? bad kid? In a gang? or are your sprogs driving you crazy?

Do you dread the bus to work with screaming schoolchildren?

Tell us your stories of the little buggers.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 15 Jun 2011, 16:14, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

What did (do) you want to be when you grew up?
My mum still tells everyone she introduces me to that I wanted to be a vet since I was 7.

Shame I was more interested in messing about since the age of about 8.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Wed 15 Jun 2011, 7:56, Reply)

I once answered the (cordless) phone at work
whilst doing a poo. Noone was around to cover me; it wasn't going to wait. The girth was such that I had to moisturise my poor little violated starfish the next day, and the noises I must have been making put the prospective customer right off. I managed to get away with it...what horrid situations have you been in with a telephone?
( bland is bland, Wed 15 Jun 2011, 7:12, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

The other day, I went on the world's shitest ghost train.
One of the ghosts was an old jersey on a stick. Not an old jersey on a stick with a scary mask attached or anything like that.
Just a jersey.
On a stick.
Fully lit.
Driven past at walking speed so you can get a good look at it.

It was actually kind of scary in an existential way. A bleak. grey, woolen reminder of the futility of human endeavor, and how even the greatest ideas fall short in the execution.
A jersey.
Onnastick.

Anyone else got any shite ghost train stories?
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Wed 15 Jun 2011, 1:22, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Aliens...
Well? Have you seen any? One day me and my wife were driving over our local village bridge and saw a metal flash high up and far ahead of us. Two seconds later it was gone. Clear blue skys all round.

Anyone else had eerie encounters of a better kind?
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Tue 14 Jun 2011, 21:41, Reply)

Website Firewalls
We've all had the most innocent of websites blocked by the most stupid of firewalls at work/school/community care hospital. Why not share the stories of annoyance.

Back when I worked fixing computers at a Vetinary University I was volenteered to help setup a presentation for the board of governers. On requesting a timeframe to complete this particular job I was told "the meeting started 10 minutes ago." I started running.

I reached the meeting room slightly out of breath and proceeded to setup the projector, screen, computer and network connection in under a minute while managing to keep the "not as technically adpet as they think they are" governers from disconnecting everytihng because they wanted to do it wireless. (no really)

I decide to stay around for the 1st couple of minutes of the presentation just in case soemone does something stupid. This turned out not to be my greatest idea because the 1st website shown in the presentation just happened to be banned on the network. Reason? Beastiality.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Mon 13 Jun 2011, 15:50, Reply)

School Holidays
Those seven weeks between school years used to feel like seven months. What did you get up to and how many fires did you light?
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Mon 13 Jun 2011, 12:22, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Kids TV programmes
Which ones do you remember? Which ones were your favourites? Which ones were downright bizarre and/or disturbing?
[Bindun?]
( Photoshop Bitch 2014 edition, Sun 12 Jun 2011, 18:35, Reply)

great email disasters
Started a "haven't heard from you for a bit" email with "Are you dead?"

A few days later her sister replied......"Yes, she died a week ago"

Oops.......
(buriram, Sun 12 Jun 2011, 15:08, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

(Bindun?)
Last week, an Uncle recounted to me the time in the 70's he had been to visit relatives in Galway ,Ireland, and been Called an "English bastard" and a "Protestant Prick" by some drunken locals in the pub.
Have You Been on the Receiving End of Prejudice? Who did it, What was it like and what the heck did you do about it? Was it funny in hidnsight or did it make you break down and cry?
(888777555, Sat 11 Jun 2011, 12:59, 2 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

My girlfriend's having a really bad day.
Mostly because I'm being horrible to her.

I've pissed on her floor, wiped her piss stained shoe on her face, accidentally elbowed her in the face and stuck my finger up her bum, then put in her mouth.

What horrible things do you do to the people you love?
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sat 11 Jun 2011, 7:33, Reply)

In-laws
Are your in-laws a shower of bastards? Maybe you prefer them to your parents, or indeed your partner. Have you destroyed their faith in humanity, or have they shown you the light? Tell us your HILARIOUS anecdotes about your in-laws.
(McChinaman banned, Fri 10 Jun 2011, 13:22, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Work balls ups.
I have too many to list but I will say that upon returning from Amsterdam I decided to regale my immediate colleagues with tales of high jinx..."Live sex show!!! Hahahaaaa....so hammered on magic mushrooms that I stood in 'Dam Square for about two hours pissing myself laughing about nothing in particular...Hahahahahaaaa...I smoked such fine weed at fantastic prices and it was great...Hahahahaaa....seriously guys if you get the chance you really must go."

The room was silent and I then knew. I turned around slowly to see my boss stood behind me. "How long have you been stood there?"...Answer, "I walked in right behind you because I wanted to bring you up to speed about what you'd missed whilst you were away for a week but I think that a private meeting would be more apt."

I kept my job but decided to leave about a month later having foolishly busted/shafted myself.

It would be a pleasure to read of your own embarrassing work situations and work balls ups.
(iamdoingapooasisignup, Thu 9 Jun 2011, 10:57, Reply)

Mnemonics
What mnemonics or little rhymes do you use to remember important stuff? The ruder the better
( Peapod Has returned to the fold on, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 23:41, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

As a child, my invisible friend told me to hurt people and to burn things.
I'm over it now, with the help of various psychoactive drugs, sedatives, and a restraining belt, but tell us about your invisible friend, and what you both got up to.

Alternate question, what's your favourite type of pen?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Jun 2011, 15:07, Reply)

single entendres
Could be a bit of a cunt this one.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Mon 6 Jun 2011, 20:09, Reply)

Speechless
We've all been left speechless at some point or another. Tell us your stories of what has hit you for six.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Mon 6 Jun 2011, 12:51, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

since everyone's suggesting repeats
MIXTAPES. Or mix cds or what's on your ipod shuffle?
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 6 Jun 2011, 0:36, Reply)

Amusing lies (and tbf mean) to tell your kids..
I was (very) nearly had my then 7 year old convinced that Andrex made toilet paper out of puppies...after all a tin of beans has beans on the front etc etc....

She wavered on the brink for a couple of seconds then basically insinuated I was a bullshitter, lol!

So any more?

:)
(bottle_cap, Fri 3 Jun 2011, 23:51, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Amusement parks, carnivals, etc
Tell us your stories about funny and strange things that happened at the fun park.
(mariam67, Fri 3 Jun 2011, 21:07, Reply)

Barrel Scraping
Have you ever run a suggestions board for a popular humour-based website's weekly question? Have you ever been in a situation where, due to a change in editorial policy, you turn to the unwashed masses to pick the subject? Were you duly faced with ever decreasing returns in the quality of topics picked? Have you ever eaten something tasty? What about something that's just a bit eurgh? Do you have family members? Have you by any chance done a fart in public, or maybe said an inappropriate thing at precisely the worst time?

Tell us about your barrel scraping exploits, or failing that, tell us about the time you did that thing. You know, the thing that is tenuously punnable. You know you want to.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 22:51, Reply)

What's the biggest coincidence to happen in your life?

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Thu 2 Jun 2011, 20:16, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

have you ever ruined the mood
With an odd bodily noise, inappropriate off the cuff comment or action?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 19:20, Reply)

Trolls / trolling
Tell us your tales of trolling. Have you ever fallen victim to a troll? Or perhaps you have been the troller?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 16:37, Reply)

Sure showed them!
Tell us your tales of revenge, loved ones or bosses, school bullies or parents.

How did you get back at them?
( girlinthehole, Thu 2 Jun 2011, 11:57, 6 replies, latest was 13 years ago)