'Could you just...'
Having been recently asked to do something I consider a little bizarre in the bedroom (no, not putting up slanty bookshelves), I wondered what fellow B3tans have been called upon to perform in the name of getting someone off.

And if you could go back in time to meet your past self, what would you say? I'd tell my 18 year-old self not to bother lusting after Mark - he came out when I was 19, and I had turned down a shag from his delicious best friend when I was 18 as I thought it might 'ruin my chances'. *sniff*
(kitteny_goodness, Wed 25 May 2005, 22:07, Reply)

"That's just not you..."
What is something shocking, crazy, and totally out of character that you are just dying to do?

Although I am very much against legalizing pot, I would love to have a hemp 3-piece suit just for kicks. I'd also love to tour the British Isles on motorcycle, even though I hate the damned things (motorcycles, that is, not the Isles). :-p
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 25 May 2005, 14:44, Reply)

Concert / festival mishaps
With the summer festival season nearly here I want to know what people have got up to in previous years. Arrested at glastonbury, Passed out at V?, Annoyed a biker gang at download?
Lets hear your Festival stories.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Wed 25 May 2005, 10:27, Reply)

Biggest bullshit tale...
in only 25 words.....
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Tue 24 May 2005, 17:53, Reply)

Educate me...
How about any just plain awful school moments or things you've subjected crappy substitute teachers too?

After months of speculation, our delightful physics teacher confirmed our suspicions...

Physics teacher; Good afternoon class.
Class; *Not listening*
PT; We'll be doing work on sound waves today, now split yourselves up so I can TOUCH you all seperately.

There is no way that you can regain control of 30 15 year olds after that, some may say, freudian slip. He 'retired' shortly after this incident.

This teacher was rumoured to have been fired from a posh school for getting to close to little boys so they thought it appropriate to send him to our shitty state school... Thanx.
( Argh. There be scallys in the ranks., Tue 24 May 2005, 15:46, Reply)

Practical jokes in work place!!
Should be loads of funny responses and it will give me more great ideas to amuse myself at work and annoy my work collegues!!!

Examples of practical jokes I've used so far in my career:
1/Fill peoples bags with objects you find lying around ie. reels of wire. Its even funnier if you do it really blatently like try and shove a chair in it!!!
2/Put really heavy weights in overalls or coats when they are hung up on pegs - its so funny when they lift them off!!!
3/Also call backs from websites such as morethan!! Enter funny names, hours of amusment!

That should get your juices flowing!! ; )

First post yay - appologies about length, although being as its my first post I wanted to get my money's worth!
(xlux, Mon 23 May 2005, 19:38, Reply)

If I Ruled the World
As Lord High Caesar of the Universe and Managing Director of Earth Inc, what would be the first thing that you did (aside from have a stiff drink, that is)? What physical law would you change? What social custom or legal matter would you instigate or abolish? Who would you resurrect from the dead? Who would you do away with in a foul and grisly manner?

Remember that power corrupts and that absolute power corrupts absolutely.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Sat 21 May 2005, 2:47, Reply)

Banks
Today I discovered that my bank took 300 pounds from my account and instead of paying off my credit card with it, like I'd asked them to, er, lost it.

What else have banks done to us knowing full well we're too lazy to move accounts elsewhere?
(Dr What, Fri 20 May 2005, 15:21, Reply)

Secret Rudery
I once sat on my mate's sofa having a civilised discussion with his mum about mortgages.

Unbeknown to her, all the while my left hand was surreptitiously tucked inside the dressing gown of his mum's friend, rubbing feverishly away on her big hairy fanny.

Has anybody else ever got up to some rude behaviour in full view of other people who have remained entirely ignorant of what was going on?
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Fri 20 May 2005, 12:51, Reply)

QOTW
Post a picture of the desk you are sat at. No clearing up, thats cheating.
(betterpants, Thu 19 May 2005, 15:47, Reply)

QOTW
How about "How I Got My Nickname"

Everyone on the board has one so there must be some tales in how they came about.......
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 19 May 2005, 11:22, Reply)

What did you do at the weekend?
Simple but effective!
(Bertie Dastard Wax on, wax off, Wed 18 May 2005, 16:24, Reply)

I'll be back soon for it all, i promise!
My brother left our parents house around four years ago now, but still has his clothes, furniture and other odds and sods that nobody is allowed to touch, is of great importance, but has not even been looked at since he left, still just as he left them...

...what shite have you lumbered people with, for how long, and, be honest, are you ever going to go and get it back!?
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Wed 18 May 2005, 13:53, Reply)

Vintage shite
Where the hell can I get rid of my really old P1's and 386 PC's - surely there's a more imaginative place than the tip or recycling centre?

If anybody out there wants a 14" green screen monitor, there's one in my attic...
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Wed 18 May 2005, 13:33, Reply)

Embarrassing moments when you've broken wind
We've all done it, you've just let a hot nasty one slip in the canteen when the office babe comes up to you for the first time to say hello. You're out on a first date and as you push the movie goes quiet. In a job interview, during sex, at a library, the proctologist, a sneeze that was also a fart....everyone has a really embarrassing and normally amusing fart story.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 18 May 2005, 12:55, Reply)

Shagging Disasters
Reading about other peoples sexual mishaps makes you feel so much better about your own.
(Ex Jedi, Tue 17 May 2005, 15:17, Reply)

Other people's expense.
Do you have any personal jokes that you make with those 'in the know'? You know, the ones that if other people found out you were taking the piss out of them you'd be
A) fired
B) divorced/dumped
C) a social pariah

Get more revenge and tell the board.
(Gabstar, Tue 17 May 2005, 10:54, Reply)

My b3ta disaster
Have you had an accident caused by good old b3ta? Forgotten your own wedding, been so wrapped up in b3ta that you aciddently shat yourself? Or perhaps absent mindedly staying at work an extra 3 hours?

tell your story.
(ben_1903 www.crackout.tk, Mon 16 May 2005, 21:03, Reply)

Hows about, boys'n'girls
"My Best Wanks"
(Wrecked Tums, Mon 16 May 2005, 10:31, Reply)

What would you really like to tell your other half but daren't...
I daren't, even here and she never uses the new fangled t'interweb.

Garlic? Bread?
(DrMarvello making rabbits appear out of hats since, Sun 15 May 2005, 21:42, Reply)

Ever said something about somebody when you didn't realise they were standing behing you..?
Happened at work, someone parked their car over two spaces (pet hate of mine), went in and looked at the visitors book to see who it was.
Got into our office, loudly saying 'Who is that twunt John Smith* who has parked like an arse?'.
Cue colleague....'Would you like to meet John Smith*?'.....

And he was fairly high up in the company.
Mind you not as bad as a colleague (you know who you are....) in our London office, someone phone kept ringing every 30 seconds, he shouts 'Will you turn that funking phone off'..and turns round to see it is the UK Managing Director....how we laughed all the way to Casualty.

Apologies for needless girth etc....
(DrMarvello making rabbits appear out of hats since, Sun 15 May 2005, 21:39, Reply)

I've never told anyone before, but...
share your deepest darkest secrets with b3ta.

When I was 12, and my brother was 22, he took great pleasure in making my life a misery by telling my mum I'd done all manner of made-up wrong things.

So I spat in his tea, every single day, for two years. I've never told anyone that before.
(Northern Lovely, Sat 14 May 2005, 21:35, Reply)

Jumbled up words
Perzackerly, berember, pasghetti. Got any more?
( Micro Prawnvica, Fri 13 May 2005, 16:02, Reply)

Geeky college girls vs. slutty college girls
I've always wanted to exact revenge on those Kelly Clarkston/Britney Spears types just for the way they look and their conceited attitudes. Once I discreetly took a picture from my camera phone of this girl's huge tits while she bent over flashing the whole class and posted the gargantuan results on the internet after creating a fake profile for a webcam site. Now she'd fighting off hordes of fat ugly middle aged men and other undesireables. Ah, revenge is so sweet...nah, I didn't really do that, but I always wanted to.
(moonfire38, Fri 13 May 2005, 15:53, Reply)

Cringeworthy Memories
Every now and again, I do something. Then I go away and cringe.

Examples range from the time I was caught - age 12 - stealing porn mags from under my brother's bed BY my brother to the time I was caught drunk and making prank calls - by the MD no less - to my arse of a flatmate from an office I no longer worked in.

What are the memories of things you have done that make you cringe and think "oh what a prick?"
( dr goodthrust, Fri 13 May 2005, 10:57, Reply)

Your moment of weakness
When did you do something that you just knew you shouldn't have, but couldn't help yourself?

Preferably if you ended up worse off.
( Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Thu 12 May 2005, 16:57, Reply)

Geekiest thing you do
I sometimes count in binary to amuse myself on long car journeys. Hours of fun.
(lardaholics anonymous, Thu 12 May 2005, 16:30, Reply)

How b3ta has changed your life
For example, my wife was in hysterics and I apparently recieved many strange looks when I said "arse donkey" rather loudly in B&Q the other week.

Other folks must have a few more.
(lardaholics anonymous, Thu 12 May 2005, 13:46, Reply)