Selfish...
...coz I've got tons of stories, but what about Boss Stories?

Could be a Hitler-type dictator you used to work for, or the terminally stupid dullard you call "Sir" now. Or someone so cool you cried when you left the company. Or whatever.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 3 Aug 2005, 13:49, Reply)

Causality Violation
If you could somehow transmit a video-message back in time to your past self containing a single piece of information or advice, what would you say, and why?

Aside from the usual gubbins about lottery numbers and sporting results, I`d probably take the altruistic approach and send back a message telling myself not to worry so much about nuclear war during the eighties - I lost a lot of sleep over that as a kid. Sad but true.
( bobmitch - 2 : Electric Boogaloo, Wed 3 Aug 2005, 7:47, Reply)

It pisses me off when...
People say stupid things like, 'Oh yes, things always turn up in the last place you look' well of course they do, unless your completely inanem you dont keep looking for something once you've found it.

To cut a long story short, let's have a rant.

What things really, really piss you off?
(Arse Biscuits The question is not who, but why?, Tue 2 Aug 2005, 16:41, Reply)

If it ain't broke...
I decided yesterday I could replace my front brake pads on my car easily enough...I had to take the train to work this morning and I now have to wait for a mechanic to come out on Thursday and fix them.

What have you fiddled with/broken/sabatoged when you blatantly knew you should have left it well alone ?
(DrGonzo, Tue 2 Aug 2005, 11:28, Reply)

Caught in the act
what have you been caught doing red handed?
(GSM, Tue 2 Aug 2005, 9:17, Reply)

What is the best sacking you've ever witnessed?
I work as a cleaner at my college. Today was the first day the near year 12s worked, and the boss wasn't happy with them - and they were doing a shit job. An hour after she told them this one of them got fired because she caught him hoovering his nipples.

Any sackings beat this?
( Whillow, Tue 2 Aug 2005, 1:47, Reply)

If you could turn back time....
which moment where you made a complete tit of yourself would you go back and eradicate from history.
(Sonic promises not to spray it in her eyes next time!, Mon 1 Aug 2005, 18:53, Reply)

QOTW
What's the biggest piece of humble pie you've ever had to eat?
(Sonic promises not to spray it in her eyes next time!, Mon 1 Aug 2005, 18:52, Reply)

Resurrection
If you could bring one person, either personal or famous back from beyond the grave who would it be and why?

Personally I would bring back my Gran, 10 years on I still miss going to Bingo, watching Dave Allen videos, her profilic use of the word "feck" and taking an hour to walk 100 yards - not because she was old and slow but because she knew EVERY person within about a 5 mile radius.

(obviously I would bring her back before she went totally bonkers in the nut)
(Andy Pipkin, Mon 1 Aug 2005, 15:23, Reply)

Humorous true-isms
For example: "Farts are like children; your love your own but you hate other people's".
(Wrecked Tums, Mon 1 Aug 2005, 15:02, Reply)

Clearly not my idea, but...
My first thought as I read the "Accidental quim-nuendoes" section of last week's newsletter: why wasn't this a QOTW?

I think I have to mention a personal example at this point:
a friend of a friend was about to have the final sex-change operation. Being pretty girly already, she was very excited about the fact that she wouldn't be able to eat for something like two weeks after "the chop" (or rather about the accompanying weight loss - yep, some peope have odd priorities). Being a science-y type, I explained that when the human body is suddenly deprived of food, it anticipates the risk of a lengthy food shortage period (famine, historically) by devoting a higher proportion of any calorific intake it gets to fat deposition.

Huh?

Okay, I said. It's like your body is a squirrel thinking "Oh my god, winter's coming and I haven't got any nuts!"

Yep, I got my coat.

PS this is too long for a QOTW, isn't it? Damn.
(user_requested_deletion, Mon 1 Aug 2005, 10:52, Reply)

STOOPIDET N00B YOO HAVE EVER HAXXORED!
LOLROLDOMGSTFU!!!!11one
(Cyrus, Mon 1 Aug 2005, 7:34, Reply)

Your favourite sweet/chocolate
and why
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Sun 31 Jul 2005, 21:04, Reply)

Your favourite sports team
and why
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Sun 31 Jul 2005, 21:04, Reply)

Your first wank
Who was it over?

Was it any good?

Etc.
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Sat 30 Jul 2005, 21:24, Reply)

Who have you impersonated?
I impersonated my own dad to get away with thuggery...

In my case, I'd victimised a kid at school for grassing me (and others) up to the year head after a particularly unruly field trip.

The day after, I was at home, when the phone rang.

I answered, and a female voice pronounced herself to be Mrs XXX, could she speak to Mr YYY? (ie she wished to speak to my father).

I said, yes, that's me, and after listening to a litany of misdeeds against her son, most of which was true, I assured her that I would discipline myself harshly and that there would be recriminations and tears in short order. She seemed to be satisfied by this and rang off quite cordially.

The next day, I gave her son the kicking of a lifetime for being a *double* grass and the stupid son of a silly cow.
(apologies_for_length, Sat 30 Jul 2005, 17:55, Reply)

Best. (whatever). EVER.
Enough of this "worst ever disasters" stuff, let's hear about your best (whatever) EVER, be it your best sexual position, best vacation, best prank, best drunken escapade, best story involving a kitten, just make it a positive tale, please!
(Kitsune-chan I'm not a bunny I'm a grownup girl, Sat 30 Jul 2005, 7:15, Reply)

Surreal
Driving back from the local video shop, I turned the car radio on, which had been mysteriously tuned to Radio 3. The broadcaster was in the middle of describing some piece of imminent classical music: "...the second movement is the sound of a gnome on a nutcracker, dancing around on his little crooked legs..."

What surreal, decontextualised gobbets of media-froth have *you* accidentally overheard?
(Dogbox, Thu 28 Jul 2005, 22:59, Reply)

Are you boring?
On a recent sunny Sunday afternoon, instead of going for a picnic/getting drunk/playing games with a bat and ball, I went to Halfords and bought a sponge to wash my car.

What moments have made you think you're turning into a boring old stick?
( Pachey, Thu 28 Jul 2005, 19:59, Reply)

Quite simply
Silly / innocent / harmless things that really, really, really annoy you.

Ive got loads but I will save 'em for the qotw

I bet you all can't wait...

Edit: Or another one ive just thought of; what is the meaning behind your username, mine isnt that exciting but ive seen a few that need explaining.

Edit mk2: Yet another one...text messages gone wrong; ones that have got you in trouble, been misinterpreted, sent to the wrong person etc

I will try and stop editing now and get back to work
(Qualitypapers, Thu 28 Jul 2005, 11:10, Reply)

Favorite recipes!
Is it the best cocktail ever, the nicest (if calorie loaded) chocolate brownies in the world (check out Delia's Chocolate and Prune brownies at www.deliaonline.com/recipes/r_0000001405.asp - Trust me) or the simplest easiest foolproof flapjacks.

What do you like to eat?
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Thu 28 Jul 2005, 10:58, Reply)

My fiance (who is nearly 30 years older than me)
comes out with some really weird sayings sometimes.

When he comes across a piece of shoddy workmanship, he is fond of the quote: "they should make one more of these and fuck off home"

What supposedly 'common' sayings have you heard that have completely flummoxed you?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Wed 27 Jul 2005, 21:40, Reply)

Question of the week.
Your most embarassing 999 calls.

I have a few!!!!
(Fran, Wed 27 Jul 2005, 13:56, Reply)

Culinary disasters
For the purely selfish reason that I have a really good one.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 27 Jul 2005, 11:51, Reply)

Well, how was I to know?
Everyone's had those moments- you cut someone off in traffic and they flip you off, or you get into an argument with someone at a bar, then when you apply for a job the person on the other side of the desk looks unsettlingly familiar...

What was your unpleasant surprise?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 27 Jul 2005, 8:38, Reply)

What you blondest ever moment was like

( DUM4S5 =], Tue 26 Jul 2005, 22:45, Reply)

The worst holidays you've ever been on
"Holidays in Lebanon,
They really are the best,
With laid on explosions, gunfire and the rest.
Messrs. Waite, McCarthy, Keenan,
All enjoyed a holiday here.
They all had so much fun
But then they disappear."
(Wrecked Tums, Sun 24 Jul 2005, 21:26, Reply)

Worst movie you've ever seen.
And why.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Sat 23 Jul 2005, 15:09, Reply)

How would you die
if you could choose any way (with a reason)?
(NPC, Fri 22 Jul 2005, 19:27, Reply)