Walking paradoxes (paradoxi? I'm a not a teacher, shit)
Where I live (Hong Kong), I see a lot of bizarre T-shirts worn in equally bizarre situations.

Two of my favorite include:

1. An extremely frail old man with stick-thin limbs, hunched over and shuffling along with the help of a cane, wearing a black T-shirt which read "DO SOME DAMAGE"

2. An Indonesian nanny wearing a Muslim headscarf, holding the hand of a little white blonde haired, blue eyed girl, wearing a hot pink T-shirt which read "JIHAD".

I'm sure this is not confined to English-as-a-second-language societies. I once saw a poodle-haired, portly fellow in the states wearing a red shirt with the 'Virgin' logo on it. Snickers ensued. What's the funniest T-shirt/walking paradox you've ever seen?
(Mabel DelTaco, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 5:50, Reply)

most pretentious thing
A friend and I once got a kidney from the local butchers (60p, bargain!) and then tried to cook it, using only the relevant chapter in James Joyce's 'Ulysses' as guidance. (That would be chapter III, 'Calypso', where Leopold Bloom, Jewish advertising agent-cum-latter-day Odysseus checks his post and makes breakfast for about 290 pages).

The "cooked" kidney was suspiciously bloody, tasted like a beef eraser and gave us both food poisoning, which I suppose we deserved as wanky Joyce-reading English students.

It was certainly the most pretentious thing we ever did.

Et vous?
(Dogbox, Sat 10 Sep 2005, 1:26, Reply)

Next weeks question
Should be 'What is the most grossly inappropriate thing you've ever done?' or a better worded version.

Personally- in the press release for my last exhibition which was held in Peckham, south-east london, i included a joke about Damilola Taylors' murder.

I'm actually too ashamed to repeat it here.

...it mentioned scraping his dried blood from beneath my nails...

....Well, i thought it was funny.

LOL LOL LOL LOLLY POP
(sterlingsmithe, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 16:52, Reply)

How about...
My story is thus. When I was 18, I left my college, full of vim, vigour and a desire to do good. So, I signed up with an organisation to do development work overseas. The plan was, they would fly me out to Denmark, I would then train there for six months, before being flown out to Africa for six months, before I headed off to University. However, I couldn't afford the fees. No problem they say, you can just work it off before you start the course. Which I do, maintaining their website. After I've worked up the cash, I started the course. Things didn't exactly go well right from the start though- when I arrived at the airport they forgot I was arriving, I waited for about three hours before getting a taxi and charging it to the organisation I was with. Good one there.

Over the first month or so, I noticed things were VERY odd. First of all, a person who wasn't conforming to their way of thinking was dragged to a meeting at 11 o'clock at night, to basically be shouted into it. Then there was the time all of us on the course were having a private meeting which was barged into, and broken up, unceremoniously. Our crime? Not getting into the spirit of things. This, plus a whole lot of other things (their library had such wonderful books as something about the history of North Korea... from the perspective of Kim Jong Il) prompted me to do a bit of googling about this organisation. As it turned out, I'd only gone and signed myself up with a bloody cult. Allegations included such lovely things as brainwashing, money laundering, tax evasion, and gun running.

My question is this. When have you ever truly had an "oh shit" moment.

Suffice it to say, I decided to quit. As a post-script, they ended up paying for my flight home, and their leader has since been charged with and is on trial for tax evasion. The organisation by the way is called either Tvind, Humana People to People, UFF, Planetaid... all sorts of things. Take my advice- steer clear, and use your money to get
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 9 Sep 2005, 3:19, Reply)

How about...
stories about getting yourself in trouble from a little white lie that just escalates and escalates until you are right in the shit.
(Lannes, Fri 9 Sep 2005, 1:30, Reply)

Missing hours....
everyone's had them, you wake up after a falling into an alcoholic coma and have no memory of the night before, but find out what you've been up to days, weeks, months, years after!
(LargeDoner, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 20:59, Reply)

How about...... most interesting thing that happened at a wedding
Not that I have ever seen anything, like, for instance, the best man throw up on the wedding cake prior to the guests going into the room and wiping it all off then spraying the cake with air freshener.
( Spackweasel - because weasels get Downs Syndrome too, Thu 8 Sep 2005, 14:31, Reply)

Grafiti
I once spent a happy half hour taking shelter from some snow under a slide in a park with a friend. While we were there we noticed a few gems of grafiti. One which sticks out especially in my mind is "Will luvs lois the fat slag". Romance at it's best.

What's the best bit of graffiti you've ever seen?
(Dromedary, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 20:52, Reply)

Office pranks...
What's your best quick and dirty office prank? Like a strip of sellotape holding down the switch on someone's phone. You ring them and they answer but the phone is still ringing. Or the more rebelious bluetacking the receiver to the base so they lift the whole phone up when they try to answer. Tell us yours, let's jolly up the office!
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Wed 7 Sep 2005, 13:09, Reply)

Old people again...
On my way to work this morning, I saw an old man with a backpack rollerblading down the road for all he was worth.

What's the coolest thing you've ever seen an old person do?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 6 Sep 2005, 20:06, Reply)

Rude Awakenings
I once woke up from a sexy dream to find a spider on my cock.

What's the worst way you've woken up?
( gronkpan @vomitinglarry.bsky.social, Tue 6 Sep 2005, 13:51, Reply)

Mistaken Identity - Have you ever been mistook for someone else?
I used to work at the Odeon Cinema in Chester whilst a student. For those not familiar with 'The Walled City' it a fairly tall building with a tower over-looking the town hall and cathedral.

Near the top of this tower section is one of the two projection rooms and has a door leading off to the roof where many a projectionist has a quick cigarrette whilst admiring the view.

One day the projectionist on duty did just that, but it was'nt any ordinary day - it was the day that the daughter of the Duke of Westminster, Lady Tamara Grosvenor married Prince Charles' godson at Chester Cathedral in November 2004. So whilst having a quick fag, he though he'd see if he could spot the Queen and Prince Philip (who attended) as the procession came out.

Unfortunately for him, several armed police thought he was a sniper.

They stormed the cinema, and ran up the stairs leading to the roof, past the managers office, who then joined in the chase - mainly to figure out what the hell was going on. The member of staff who let them in, leading the way shouting "come on, let's get him, you slow bastards!"(thinking the whole thing was hilarious)

When they all reached the top - at gunpoint they demanded that the projectionist tell them what the hell he was doing on the roof (they did'nt believe his story of having a fag) When the manager arrived on the scene, the police asked him to verify that the projectionist worked for him. He said "No, i've never seen him before in my life" The look of sheer panick on the projectionist was a picture. Just as they are about to hand cuff the poor bloke, the manager says (now almost in hysterics) - "No, I have to come clean, he does work here"

Apparently the Police took A LOT of convincing before they would let him go.

I called him Lee Harvey Oswald for weeks after that
(Snootchies, Tue 6 Sep 2005, 10:41, Reply)

Nymphomaniac neighbours
Our (very well off) next door neighbour used to come onto me when I was but a wee 13 year old "goff". I never took up the offer because, well, I was a greasy haired, talcum powded up sisters of mercy loving teenage weirdo. Not only that, but her 18 year old daughter used to regularly come round to our place to listen to records, bra-lessly showing all while lying on the carpet (anyone who remembers LPs must remember lying around on the carpet sifting through records).

Any other b3tans with such missed opportunities?

(ps. a lesson to all early-teenagers reading this - its better to regret something you did, rather than something you didn`t do. or something like that)
( a username Tue 30 Mar 1971 til, Sun 4 Sep 2005, 16:17, Reply)

Seriously I wonder this all the time.
"Where did that pubic hair come from?"

A collection of stories about the strange places we ALL find pubes.
(drviagra, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 16:56, Reply)

How is B3ta hazardous to your health? (or "I'm a spacker, what am I?")
For the past half hour, something has been going 'boop' in the office, driving me completely insane. I thought it was a malfunctioning piece of equipment or something, and the accoustics of the room made it very difficult to pinpoint.

Turns out it was the mail send/receive/no mail sound effect in Entourage - I had accidently set my powerbook's volume onto full by hitting F5 over the toilet question, instead of Ctrl-R.

Belm!
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 14:57, Reply)

To Concur with gavD's suggestion...
Just what IS the chavviest chav example of behavoiur or appearance you've had the displeasure to witness?

Mine hails from Bangor, North Wales. 8pm, high Street. An ugly little 14yr old cunt with six gold chains, a white cap, pimples like a pizza over his face and trousers tucked into his obviously fake trainers. With a Pit Bull being strangled on a chain-leash, and on his left shoulder an obviously dyed blond munter which buck teeth whining about cigarette withdrawal.

To which his reply was "Fook off yeh fooking beetch!"

I laughed and pegged it. :)
(FightingComet got Boost Power on, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 3:49, Reply)

how about
expressions and/or words you really illogically hate?
(frozen treat, Thu 1 Sep 2005, 16:58, Reply)

and that's how i ended up sterile....
Funny story,
I was posted to a job at a army refueling station three years ago, to cut a long story short i was shot, point blank in the scrotum,
and that(as much as anything else) is how i ended up sterile....

Now yours....
(JinDod, Thu 1 Sep 2005, 16:54, Reply)

tobadgirlactsgood
If only it was that simple
(vitch, Thu 1 Sep 2005, 16:42, Reply)

Stupid Padestrians and other Path users?
The other day driving home from work i looked out the window to see some kids riding non handed eating thier chips. Then one of then goes off the curb and proceeds to go flying over the handle bars with chips going all over the place.
Leaving a very unhappy stunned little kid and me laughing as i drove off.
(Fishbone-didi, Thu 1 Sep 2005, 13:59, Reply)

american idiocy
How about "natural disasters" that are not actually natural but a result of the worlds past enviromental fuckups, and a result of george dubyas pig headed and ignorant failure, even to this day to change his countries enviromental policies.....
(Aleister Crowleys Badger Nothing to see here, Thu 1 Sep 2005, 12:33, Reply)

Pet peeves.
People who wear socks with sandals, for example. What do people do that irk you and you have no logical explanation for it?
(mouseketeer, Wed 31 Aug 2005, 17:42, Reply)

Desperate housewives/husbands
Not sure whether this would be a good QOTW or not...as they seem to vary from....well, no, they dont really seem to vary but...anyway...im drifting...

Wot is the most imaginitive/interesting or just plain wierd line ever heard from an other to try and get u into bed?
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Wed 31 Aug 2005, 14:45, Reply)

The pikiest thing you've ever seen
In Stourbridge a few months ago I witnessed two pasty teenage girls with hooped earrings, tracksuits and scrapebacks skulking in an alley and arguing loudly about who got the next turn sniffing the tippex.

What is the scabbiest, chavviest, most scrubberly behaviour that you have ever been party to?
(gavD, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 16:31, Reply)

squeeling pigs
what was your favourite pig to flesh incident?
(vitch, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 15:37, Reply)

erotic tumbles
how about "have you had any erotic tumbles with your friend(s)"

when I was a young wipper snapper wrestiling with a good friend of mine I became strangly aroused. we were only 14 at the time....does this make me gay.

I would be interested to hear from any girls with similar experiences and how they felt at the time....did it get your front bum wet? please give a full account.
(vitch, Tue 30 Aug 2005, 14:07, Reply)

First Words
What were the first words said by the little infant you?
( Lightguy hail satan, Mon 29 Aug 2005, 15:51, Reply)

And when I woke up my hands were covered in blood
One morning, following what must have been a phenomenal pissup, I woke up on the hard shoulder of a busy motorway, covered in snow, ala Jack Nicholson from the shining. Couldn't remember anything leading up to this event *whatsoever*.

Has anyone else awoken from an alcohol / chemically induced slumber in similar situations?
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sat 27 Aug 2005, 19:20, Reply)

fights
I remember my worst fight.....

2 skin heads on a bus.....terrible.
(vitch, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 12:27, Reply)

fights
what were your worst fights?
(beast on toast has xpango=> http://www.xpango.com?ref=90520974, Fri 26 Aug 2005, 11:55, Reply)