Workplace w*nkers
We've all been there, there's a complete w*nker in the workplace, what have they got away with, do they do nothing, are they completely useless?

Someone I work with hasn't got a clue about what anyone in his team does, he bullshits all the time, and seems to have a dependency on narcotics....twunt
(What's your favourite cheese?, Fri 28 Oct 2005, 9:54, Reply)

B3ta cliches and how they are boring and repetitive
Chavs, Beer Tokens, Twunts, My life is shit, I fucked my brain on drugs, I make up stories for QotW, etc etc
(Waddo, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 17:15, Reply)

Nick-Names
I pride myself on giving people nicknames that haunt them for ever.
An example is a bloke i used to work with who we called "Drill Bit"...Because he was a boring tool...
Have you got any nickname stories?
(Thursday Sugar Bowl, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 14:25, Reply)

work-related injuries
I work in a hospital for "learning disabilities". I have been pushed, kicked, dragged, bitten and punched by the patients.

Most recently I put my back out while separating two patients who were fighting, I'm still off on sick leave.

Any others?
(Sister Flo, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 12:12, Reply)

Wasn't me
One of my friends is a nurse. She was once working in an intensive care unit, looking after a guy who was basically at death's door. His organs had started failing and the doctors were very concerned for him. As they did their rounds, they all stood round this guy's bed and tried to decide what steps to take next. As they all quietly debated, my friend realised she needed to fart and quietly let one go. Despite being silent it was pretty pungent and everyone quickly noticed it. But rather than be disgusted, the docs jumped to the conclusion that it was the sick guy's digestive system (which up till now had stopped functioning) kicking back into action, and started making long term decisions about his health based on this.... my friend was too ashamed to admit it was her, and felt very bad when they started mauling this poor dying guy around in his bed..... have you ever let someone else take the blame?
(Mad McMad, Thu 27 Oct 2005, 9:10, Reply)

Last year while living in France
i introduced myself to a French girl as a Mr 'Armitage Shanks' She believed me without any hint of mistrust. Totally got away with it too, much to my personal gratification.

Have you ever used 'cultural diversity' to gain a cheap giggle?
( MrSparky, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 21:55, Reply)

Worst Purchase Ever....
We've all done it, come in a 2am (usually nicely toasted) and woken up on the couch with your credit card in one hand and your phone in the other... with QVC still on the TV...

What's the most pointless, naff thing you've ever bought on impulse (and overdraft) only to REALLY, REALLY regret it later.

P.S - Those classical CDs were a very, very bad move. The things kept turning up month after month... dispite trying endlessly to cancel the 'subscription'.
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 21:01, Reply)

Pointless School Trips
In my Psychology class we went to an engine making factory. Not a clue.
(gracie_likes_cookies, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 17:50, Reply)

Clever graffiti.

( Malchick, Wed 26 Oct 2005, 15:16, Reply)

QOTW
What is the most unrequited love you've ever had - slightly linked to the current one, but has it ever turned in to obsession?
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Wed 26 Oct 2005, 7:58, Reply)

One for the ladies. What do you look for in a man?
Right, cards on the table, I haven't a bloody clue. Help out us poor baffled chaps.

What do you look for in a man?
(conkers, Tue 25 Oct 2005, 23:12, Reply)

work pranks
The best prank we pulled of on a newbie was when i worked in a supermarket deli. The numbers that flash above the counter are controlled by a button, but there is also a little-used remote. On this guys first day we told his that the button was very sensitive. When we walked up and down, everything was fine, numbers changed as buttons pressed. Every time he moved an inch, the numbers started whizzing round. We convinced him that it was his watch setting it off, which he removed. Followed by his jewellery (maybe its the metal?) and finallly - the piece de resistance - his shoes. The poor boy tiptoed back and forth in meat scraps for at least an hour before we took pity!!
(JezziTheWonderKitten Not very wonderful but 100% kitteny, Tue 25 Oct 2005, 21:02, Reply)

Don't try this at home!
I (whilst very high)inadvertantly managed to get a filter tip stuck quite deep in my ear yesterday afternoon and had to resort to my mate and a set of pliers to get the thing out -

result, poss QOTW!

What's the most interesting thing you've accidentally put into yourself and had to get help to get out? ;)




free teh weed!
(stonersmurf stuckin' foned, Tue 25 Oct 2005, 16:13, Reply)

Why did I do that?
Stupid things you've done for seemingly no reason.
( Malchick, Tue 25 Oct 2005, 11:11, Reply)

What's the best worst movie of all time?
I like Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze. Ah, 1989. The golden age of cinema.
(Rushy, Tue 25 Oct 2005, 2:08, Reply)

Thrush (irritating c*nts)
They are everywhere, the people that just annoy the hell out of you. Example: the production monkies that interfer with my department so they dont have to focus on their mistakes
(hairymonkey, Mon 24 Oct 2005, 14:05, Reply)

caught red handed
whilst enduring a particularly boring french class at senior school the time was passed by sketching ourselves in various sexual positions with the gorgeous early forties goddess that was Mrs Field.
She smelt gorgeous and according to my da vinci esque life drawings was also quite flexible. I was onto a winner, I had captured the beauty of the intertwining pupil/teacher 69er perfectly in the back of my french exercise book (no pun intended). However, so engrossed was I in this masterpiece; which was sure to be heralded by my peers as a work of genius, I had forgotten to keep an eye on the actual position of my teacher. Can anyone guess where she was? Yes, thats right, just over my right shoulder.
Due to the accuracy of my drawing there could be no mistaking who was depicted therein. Oh, and of course the arrows pointing to us with our names on.
She laughed, suprisingly...then she told me I had to draw it again, life size, on the blackboard so the whole class could see it. I didn't expect that one. I refused point blank recieved a detention for 'not paying attention in class'. This all happened 16 years ago. Last week my face returned to its normal colour.
(dukefukem, Mon 24 Oct 2005, 10:55, Reply)

nethandles
If celebs were as addicted to the net as me and my mates, what would their online "net-handle" be? Does anyone know any celebs apart from Rob?
I know kevin bacon is online a lot in forums and chat, but as far as I know he just signs himself kevin bacon which sounds like a made up name anyway.
I only know a few "minor net-celebrities" who are all ladies who get undressed for a living.. errr.
(cargo, Sun 23 Oct 2005, 21:43, Reply)

Strange names of companies
What strange names for companies have you seen, or thought of? A few days ago, a van passed me with the trade name "Lance-a-lot" and I thought to myself that they probably did warts, verucas and boil removal.
(Wrecked Tums, Sun 23 Oct 2005, 12:51, Reply)

Freshers
Apologies if this is repeating!

My Dad always used to say to me, "The friends you make at uni in the first year, will be the ones you spend the second year trying to get rid of". I can somewhat relate to that - I'll bet everyone here has at least one weird person who they made friends with just to have someone to sit with in life drawing, or whatever.

So there - Weird friends at uni. Easy, now I think about it...
(fox_handybread, Sun 23 Oct 2005, 11:26, Reply)

Battle of the sexes
I agree with Legless about asking: "What advice would you give to the opposite sex?" ie. don't start playing with it and then think you don't have to make us cum in some way, that's a waste of a good erection!! I think this would make for a very interesting QOTW.

I've been lurking for a few months and this is my first post so go gentle with me. Peace out
(T2DaBone, Fri 21 Oct 2005, 12:50, Reply)

What was your first computer?
First computer I owned was a green screen Amstrad, first computer I actually did anything with was the school's aged ICL computer, an RML380Z that had 1K of memory, had those *huge* bendable floppy disks and had a programming language with about eight commands (JINEG, JIZERO etc).
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 21 Oct 2005, 12:18, Reply)

Stupid, pointless words you have invented.
What they mean, and how they came into being.

Here's my word: 'Furmeftedun' - stupid shorthand for 'Formation Annihilation Bonus', invented by my mate Dave while playing Uridium on the C64. I loved that game, unfortunately it, like many others was way inferior when produced for the Amstrad computer that I had at the time.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 21 Oct 2005, 12:14, Reply)

Best Wind Up.
I once convinced someone that I had met Nelson Mandela, rescued someone from an overseas military coup and climbed every mountain in the UK.
(charliesays, Thu 20 Oct 2005, 19:56, Reply)

Ghosties
With Hallowe'en coming up, how about your best scary stories? Perhaps.
(Wrecked Tums, Wed 19 Oct 2005, 12:30, Reply)

Weird Dreams
I just had my weirdest dream in a while. I was Frasier (from the eponymous TV program, natch) and had got really mad at Eddie (the dog) and had shouted at him for a while. Eddie ran away and I was overcome with guilt so I went to find him (in an underground car park of course). I found him and picked him up and was just beginning to apologise when a gigantic fire breathing bull stepped out of the shadows and started chasing me.

I ran for ages, carrying this dog to which I was constantly apologising, until it cornered us and I woke up mildly bemused.

I've seen Frasier all of once and that was a couple of years ago so where the fuck did that come from?

I need other people's stories to make me seem a little less mad please.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Tue 18 Oct 2005, 14:53, Reply)

Yeah right!
Okay, we all know half of these stories are probably made up so we're either having a test of honesty or are just going all the way.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever seen that you've not bothered telling people about because you knew they wouldn't believe you?

I swear to god I once saw a bus drive past which, on the front bit for the number and destination said 59 - Hedgehog.

I promise I did.

So what did you see/do that lead all your mates to chorus "Yeah right!" when you told them?
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Tue 18 Oct 2005, 14:21, Reply)

First love
Who was your first love? How old were you? Did you ever actually get together with them? Are you still with them now? Do you wish you were?

I would post my own story but frankly it's depressing. He turned out to be a complete and utter prick.

...First post! ^_^

[mod edit] Great idea. Today my mind was blank, now all I can think about is playing monkeys in the rhododendrons. Thanks.
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Mon 17 Oct 2005, 21:44, Reply)