don't you know who I am?
I once got into the VIP area at posh club in China because I said I was David Beckham. I can assure you I look nothing like him. What's your most brazen blag?
(liberace's boudoir, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 16:32, Reply)

Stag / Hen weekends...
I have been commanded to organise a hen weekend with the instructions, something nice, no strippers, no clubs with dress codes. What have you done on hen / stag dos and did you get arrested?
(ludditefreak, Wed 9 Nov 2005, 15:06, Reply)

What can you do that none of your mates can
Everyone's got some skill (some are for public display, others require a more *intimate* setting), some talent that makes them different from the person standing next to them... What's yours? Even if it's something like "I can keep my eyes open when I sneeze"... If people could post pictures of them doing these things it could even be a compo!
( @stephenshortt Jaysus it's been a while!, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 10:36, Reply)

so its true!
tell us your dental horror stories
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 10:26, Reply)

old ladies falling over in the street with shopping bags
what makes you laugh - you really shouldn't - but bloody hell it's funny
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 10:25, Reply)

and that was the end of fluffy
have you ever managed to kill a family pet
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 10:21, Reply)

you evil bastard!
What’s the cruelest most heartless thing you have ever done - that you have absolutely no regret over
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 9:47, Reply)

things you belived as a child
things that you mistakenly believed as a child that took YEARS for you to realise the truth
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 9:35, Reply)

speactacularly stupid people in authority
tell us your experience of staggeringly dimwitted people in positions of authority or resposibility
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 9:33, Reply)

and not a soul knows...
what is your deepest darkest secret that up untill now you have told no one
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 9:31, Reply)

Offended
What is the most you've ever offended anybody? Whether purposeful or accidental!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Tue 8 Nov 2005, 2:28, Reply)

Little Rituals
Things you do regularly, which are quite important in your own little world, but would make you look like an Obsessive-Compulsive maniac if anybody ever found out.
( Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Mon 7 Nov 2005, 13:18, Reply)

Stupidest puns you've ever made.
Ok one time me and my friends were hanging out and someone makes an origami boat. Sticking it in a nearby public toilet, we await people's varied responses because we're cool like that.

Not hearing anything good, I go in and exclaim;

Holy SHIP! Someone forgot to flush!

(Because it's a ship and it sounds like shit. Get it? Haha.)

So what's the stupidest, totally not funny but kinda funny because it's so stupid, pun you've ever made?
(Beanish, Sun 6 Nov 2005, 3:52, Reply)

THE B3TX-FILES
This is one of my not-so-frequent good ideas. Not long ago I lived with my mum and brother in a pokey little converted basement under someones flat. The flat had the bedrooms and living room upstairs and the kitchen and a very cold storage room downstairs.

One night my mum came home with one of her mates, as they passed said storage room my mums mate turned to her and said "why is one of your boys in the storage room?" (not knowing that we were both upstairs in bed)

My mum turned round and said "they're not, you probably just saw the ghost that lives here". Apparently the ghost of a young boy frequently occured in that room.

my mum only told us of this AFTER we moved out which is just as well cos I would have shat my pants had I known when I was living there.

What other spooky stories do people have about ghosts, phantom encounters, UFOs, strange creatures etc?
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sat 5 Nov 2005, 21:13, Reply)

Office pranks, c'mon, you know you want to.
Leave a post it for a colleague asking them to call 0117 974 7399 (Bristol Zoo) as Albert Ross left a message. This worked brilliantly on a guy in our office who said "Do you have an Albert Ross working there" (If you haven't got it yet, read the name out loud)

Swapping the M and N keys on a keyboard is another fav, as well as selotaping down the switch that the receiver sits on so the phone doesn't stop ringing when you pick it up.

What are your favorate pranks/japes?
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 12:00, Reply)

What is the worst tatoo you've ever seen?
I swear a bloke sat next to me in a cafe in cardiff had written in his arm in that shitty-green colour 'I LOVE BEER AND SEX'. What a twat.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 11:38, Reply)

Relationships
They say that the secret of dating is to pretned to be one thing in order to get cmefortable enough with your conquest so that you can reveal the true you.

What's the worst lie you've told someone to get their attention? And were you found out?
(Bobo148, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 11:28, Reply)

fast food experiences (or horror stories)
I have been a Pizza delivery driver for at least 5 years now. and through this time I've seen crazier, scarier and funnier shit than my buddies in desk jobs.

I've had many close calls on traffic scenarios (including almost hitting a luxury limo!), had a naked guy answer the door once, some women answer the door wearing only a towel (once got invited to stay and watch a lingerie party!!).

If I could remember all the crazy scenarios pizza delivery has shown me I could write a book about it. (or at least post a few)

What strange situations have you been in with your fast food experiences?
(Mad_Nashy WHEEEEEE!, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 9:47, Reply)

Your favourite similie
mine was taught to me by my grandma, and its "as tight as an egg up a dog's bum"

Or your favourite euphemism. I had a friend's mum call her minge her Mrs Harris. Not sure how i got into (or out of) that conversation...
(Rushy, Fri 4 Nov 2005, 1:44, Reply)

abuse of power.
one of my responsibilties when working temp at a market research agency was to read surveys and send out samples of chewing gum, after reading a survey filled out by a particularly snooty bitch, in which she accused chewing gum of being common, lower class and 'making one look like a cow' i sent her 120 sample cases labeled "the bovine residence".

have you ever abused your power at work or otherwise?

bonus points for pettiness.
(ru-fi-OH!, Thu 3 Nov 2005, 2:47, Reply)

my old skool
at my old skool i had sum interestin probly insane ppl ther an u usually get at least one strange or stupid thing that happend wen u were at skool
(torture bunny lives under the kitchen sink, Wed 2 Nov 2005, 17:57, Reply)

petty insults "on the sly"
For instance saying "thats a BOLD statement" to a bald man or "cant you SEE" (as in dont you understand) to a blind man or "he KNOWS.." directed at someone with a large nose.
Very childish, i know.
(HerrDoktorPinkPumpkin c===3, Wed 2 Nov 2005, 17:55, Reply)

Best insult
we had best come back, so why not best insult
(Xyphious : Sinkin' Gin since '85, Tue 1 Nov 2005, 13:50, Reply)

Most depraved or surprising sexual act
Go on, you know you want to.
(Jimtastic, Tue 1 Nov 2005, 13:01, Reply)

A QOTW that should get some laughs (God knows we need one).
I recently hospitalised my friend, when I hilariously decided to superglue his glass of water to his desk. He needed 14 stitches in his palm and struggles to write at the moment.

When have you seriously injured (physically or mentally) a friend (or enemy) as a result of nothing more than a good-natured jape?
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 1 Nov 2005, 11:49, Reply)

I'll post mine if you post yours
Have you ever been: accidentally gay?
(Jimtastic, Tue 1 Nov 2005, 9:45, Reply)

Poor unfortunate souls
In my younger years I worked on a cruiseship full of people you could only describe as rude, obnoxious, American pie eaters. Part of my job selling crap in the gift shops was to take care of the 'Jewelery Sale' which was staged on tables outside the main stores in a sort of corridor with a very dark grey marble floor. Now 17 hours a day sailing the ocean blue may sound like a dream job at first but inevitabley boredom sets in after a while and even the cheap liquor and cigarettes lose their hold over you...... enter a US quarter, superglue and a remote control fart machine, cunningly hidden under the table full of tat we were trying to flog to these trailer park idiots. Idea being- we superglued the quarter to the floor just close to the table with the cheapest rubbish on it (Therefore the busiest and with the fattest of the species) and as the greedy twunts bent over to try and pick up the cash- we let rip with a monstrous audio collection of rip snorters. Needless to say much hilarity ensued for those of us who worked there but for the poor victims of our torture even the lowest dregs of the bottom feeders around them started to shake their heads in disgust, (Not sure if it was because of the gas or the fact that someone saw the 25 cents before them!) some even convinced themselves there was a smell..

What's the most immature but hilariously funny thing you have done to torture some poor innocents who have done nothing except sweat, eat burgers and say "Huh?" their whole life?
(howmanyhangers, Sun 30 Oct 2005, 22:56, Reply)

collections....
I have a few modest collections at the momnet. For example:
Animal bones/bits. I have a pig rib, a hare skull, a baby rabbits foot and a pidgeon's wing.
Signs. A traffic divertion sign I found in a stream, a no entry sign off something, a VW badge off an old car, a not drinking water sign my brother nicked for me from a school lab and a sign off an army barracks about explosives. I probably shouldn't have some of these.

There are many more but they arn't good enough to mention/not very big.
(Squermily, Sun 30 Oct 2005, 14:05, Reply)

Village Idiot
Bobby V was a local "character" in my neighbourhood who in days of yore, he would have been a village idiot. His claim to fame was inserting his whole fist in his mouth, and was a regular winner at a local bar's "How far can you go contest" where he once ate a packet of cigarettes. What's your village idiot been up to?
(Lamonstrous, Fri 28 Oct 2005, 22:07, Reply)

Thats not going in my mouth
When i was a student i bought the cheapest and nastiest ecomony burgers from the market. When cooked they were a pale shade of orange. It got to my lips, i bit, i certainly didnt swallow though instead i opened the window and spat it out flinging the rest of the burger after it. Whats the worst thing that you've put in your mouth?
(jaffacakes, Fri 28 Oct 2005, 13:02, Reply)