Funny work situations that nearly happened.
Something like the time recently when I was doing my mail round, and I could not find a letter box on someones house, so I had a look for one round the garden, but it was not to be found. They later on phoned the depot to say that they were going to report me as being a prowler, I can Imagine the telephone conversation now:

Police: Hello?
Them: Hello, I want to report a prowler in my garden!

Police: What time and where?
Them: Here at my house!

Police: What did they look like?
Them: He was wearing a Royal Mail uniform, and carrying a bag and a bundle of mail.

Police: For F#@& Sake!
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 16 Mar 2006, 20:38, Reply)

Stupid things you've done while stoned
I can't help but think this one would be good. It's partly for my own benefit because I want an excuse to write about the time that all my housemates and myself spent Christmas Day eating hash-brownies and hash-cookies, but the girls making the cookie/brownie mix were not seasoned pot-smokers and they put a full 20-bag into each mixing-bowl. They day is now remembered as "the Day-Trip to Hell". I thought it was pretty good, though - plenty of hallucinations involving the surface of Mars.
(you_always_felt_like_suede, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 20:35, Reply)

worst thing you've ever done to a teacher
oh i was a master at making teachers' lives hell. we thought our french teacher killed heself with the guillotine (dunno if i spelt that right!) at the back of the class we were so bad. twas funny.
(CathT, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Pulp Fiction
I was watching Pulp Fiction for the umpteenth time the other day and I couldn't help but notice that everytime Vince goes to the toilet something bad always happens. He is also reading the same book. Does anybody know what book he is reading?
(sickprophet Injuring Disabled Animals, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 14:03, Reply)

QOTW
When I was about 13, I got pinched for throwing snowballs at cars and the cop brought me home. My mother made me read The Scarlet Letter (ugh!) and to prove I did it, I had to write her a report. What weird and/or sadistic punishments did your parents dole out?
(REJ, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 0:37, Reply)

unwanted attention
in your experince what is the worst way to get attention? my last post reminded me that yelling shit, shit, shit its on fire! Is not the best thing to do in a crowded lab.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 17:44, Reply)

what did you do today?
yesterday i spilt 4 different corrosive substances on my hands, started a minor fire and got high of eather fumes accidently. what did you do?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 17:42, Reply)

Ever had a fever?
What surreal things did you see, hear or think?
(Text_Fish -- Humourcide., Wed 15 Mar 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Foreskin
What's the nastiest thing you have ever found under your foreskin?
(gilbeymomerath, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 0:04, Reply)

Motoring
What's the worst motoring cockup you've had? (preferably where people didn't die from you drink driving).
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 17:50, Reply)

How about
the first time you got drunk? Everyone's got their own story, some of them at least should be a laugh.
(TheVeryReverand, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 16:18, Reply)

Teachers
Similar to this week's 'School Fights' question, but pretty much everyone I've ever spoken to had a teacher at their school that suffered a mental breakdown, usually as a result of students misbehaving.

What happened to the unhinged teachers at your school?
( Aardvark and so at last, I understood, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 11:07, Reply)

Public Transport
How about the weirdest bus or train stories... I know i have enough to fill a forum by my self.
(steebus, Tue 14 Mar 2006, 1:39, Reply)

UFOs or Weird Stuff (not ghosties, already done that one)
Who's seen something odd that they can't explain? I have.... What's your stories? Anonymity has never been easier.

You can tell us... we're your friends....
( Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Mon 13 Mar 2006, 5:31, Reply)

Question Time!
How about everyone posts a question, and anyone can answer it? Not the usual rubbish though, how about those things that have driven you crazy for years, that you have wanted to know but did not have the courage to ask? ANYTHING GOES and I reckon all B3TAns are pretty cluey. Personally I want to know who put an 's' in the word lisp. I mean, come on! What utter bastards! Let the questions commence...
( Shazzoir Old enough to know better young enough not to care, Mon 13 Mar 2006, 5:29, Reply)

Festival stories
If it hasn't bindun this would be a rich seam.
(Schroedinger, Sat 11 Mar 2006, 10:30, Reply)

How did each b3tan come up with their usernames?
Okay, some are self explanatory and some are probably fairly bland stories, but I'm sure all of us at some point has pondered someone's name wondering how it came to be.

Mine came from a short film I made that momentarily achieved cult status in my college which got made after it was pointed out to me that I had a somewhat unhealthy obsession with the garden implement in question.

But what about everyone else?
( shovelboy This is bad - Two minutes to Belgium, Fri 10 Mar 2006, 23:18, Reply)

Sickprophet you twat
Why not try Google before coming up with utter crap like that?

www.briancbennett.com/charts/death/01pot-related.htm



...fucking hippies
(Gomi No Sensei, Fri 10 Mar 2006, 10:49, Reply)

If You Feel The Same
"I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution" - Bill Hicks


Just think about the above statement. I understand where he was coming from, but not the synthetic (man made)drugs. To make these against the law is just the same as saying that God made a mistake, right?

Take cannabis. It serves over 200 uses all of them positive. From this highly adaptable plant we can use it for:

fuel for cars
to make clothing
use for writing materials
medicinal purposes
recreational purposes
food - high protein, low fat

The list goes on. Why should this drug be against the law?

Points of view please ASAP, cheers.


*An after thought: THERE IS NOT ONE CANNABIS RELATED DEATH IN THE WORLD, YET ALCOHOL IS STILL LEGAL*
(sickprophet Injuring Disabled Animals, Thu 9 Mar 2006, 15:20, Reply)

Pointless instructions
The other week I bought a pair of tights, that - I swear to god - came with INSTRUCTIONS!!!

What utterly pointless instructions have you found in everyday items?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Thu 9 Mar 2006, 11:21, Reply)

Naked!
Travelling to India, in an old bus, we'd put reflective film up in the back windows to cut the heat down, and to give us some privacy when parked up in major cities. Early on, we'd be washing or whatever, and then dive for cover when someone appeared to be staring at us. After a while, we realised they were looking at their reflections, and couldn't see in, so we became very blase about being naked back there.

Then, in Pakistan, we backed the bus into a lamppost, breaking a window, which had to be replaced with plastic. A couple of days later, on a campsite in Islamabad, my wife was awake early, sitting naked on the bed and reading a book, cross legged. She saw a danish guy we knew wandering across the campsite, but thought nothing of it - she was invisible. He waved at her, she waved back......and then the penny dropped. She was sitting there in a cross legged porn star pose by a completely CLEAR new window. To his credit, the guy didn't bat an eyelid, and never mentioned it (probably seemed totally normal to a Dane), but she was mortified.

Where have you been naked?
(Sammyhaswoefullyneglectedyou, Thu 9 Mar 2006, 11:12, Reply)

love advice
What is the worst piece of advice you have given someone in regards to love.

I once told someone her marriage nerves where unjustified and thatthere was no way here partner would cheat on her. Fast forward two weeks at a party at their house, and her betrothed trying to slip me a quickie, whilst saying I really don't love her.
(thirpy, Wed 8 Mar 2006, 23:16, Reply)

Falsely accused.
Have you ever been given the blame for something you haven't done, no matter how ridiculous?
( Lightguy hail satan, Wed 8 Mar 2006, 22:14, Reply)

DIY Disasters
What would you do if you dropped a small screw in a frustratingly inaccessible gap?

(This was one of four screws used to attach a washing machine drainage pipe to a sink drainage pipe. I didn't have any spare screws of this size)

Buy a new pack, right? Nope. I'm too cheap (Scottish/Jewish ancestry). So I soaked a sock in golden syrup and stuffed it in there, hoping that it would adhere to the gloop when I pulled it out. It didn't. Now we have no screw, a sticky mess that's impossible to clean, and come summer, ants.

Arse.
(Dusty Pigeon, Wed 8 Mar 2006, 11:58, Reply)

No, Darling dont say that.....
Whilst taking my kids home on the bus, the youngest exclaimed she could smell "poo" from the man infront of us.

As I tried in vain to ignore her, she thought I hadn't heard so said it loudly and more insistantly 4 more times.

Anyone else been subjected to gems "from the mouths of babes"?
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Wed 8 Mar 2006, 8:39, Reply)

why
why portereeeeecans and mexicans come to america to sponge and get free handouts, sell drugs comit crime rape murder steal and then fuck off home to brag about it, or we could have why are mexicans and portareeeeecans like pakis and muslims??? is it cos they are all tax sponging foreign bastards who just believe in war murder and lies that there is some twat called mohamed who realy is a pig fucker
(rob2005, Mon 6 Mar 2006, 23:53, Reply)

The B3ta Files
Theres a shitload of strange stuff out there, and I dont mean internet stretchy man-anus's either, I mean REALLY strange unexplained X-Files stuff. Tell us about any ghost/U.F.O/monster etc stories you have
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sun 5 Mar 2006, 20:48, Reply)

rap attack
Not really a question as such but could we have a rap battle pleeeease - i.e. each new poster slags off the previous through the medium of rap. The more surreal and offensive the better. I guess you'd have to disable the 'I like this' button though.
(BIV was recently envatted., Sun 5 Mar 2006, 2:24, Reply)