Children: Criminal Masterminds
None of my suggestions ever get picked, sniff sniff, but here goes.

When I was eleven I had to take £10 into school as a deposit for some field trip. Upon returning home I had to tearfully explain to my mother that I'd lost the money. Naturally she calmed me down by telling me it didn't matter and giving me a cuddle. Whereupon she spyed the WH Smiths bag clutched behind my back containing a computer game and a receipt for £9.99.

Arse.

What foolproof schemes did you come up with as a child, certain in the knowledge that no one would ever find out? And then how did you give yourself away like a total and absolute retard?

Please make me feel not so stupid.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Mon 4 Dec 2006, 8:20, Reply)

Irrational Fears
Now, I want no 'I am scared of spiders' type stories here. If you are have any normal -phobia, this question is not for you

I want to know your genuinely irrational, probably undefinable fears.

I am scared of things that should be in proportional size, but aren't.

Examples: I am scared of ever having to hold a normal size tennis racket but use it to hit a football sized tennis ball that is flying towards me.

I am also scared of having to use scaletrix to park a tiny car on a normal size road.

The new Guiness Advert with the little guy in the fridge who is like an eighth of the size of the pint of he is pouring? Yup, that freaks me out.

And the 'Honey I shrunk The Kids' show at Disneyland Paris...well, i had to leave before it finished. and I only even tried to see it in the first place because my Girlfriend convinced me it was a waste of money if I didn't go to every main show. I have never even being willing to try to watch the actual film, I imagine it to be worse than The Exorcist.


Any other B3tards have irrational fears that have no names?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sat 2 Dec 2006, 3:26, Reply)

try to keep in mind
thier are no stupid questions just stupid people
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 1 Dec 2006, 18:20, Reply)

Lost and Found
No! No! Not those gooey, blancmangey stories of lost pets, tearful family reunions etc. you get on Cilla.

Rather, stories of "I wondered where that had gone!" - i.e. those random or useless objects you can't find, and which suddenly and inexplicably turn up much, much later.

For example, I always wondered what had happened to the ticket stub I'd kept from the first time I went to support my beloved football team as a kid.

It turned up in the lining of a jacket. 17 years later.

.
(><(((">, Thu 30 Nov 2006, 17:50, Reply)

Childhood Evilness
What evil things did you do as a child? Stealing penny sweets, clobbering ginger kids, etc etc? Children are the most evil creatures on earth...
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 30 Nov 2006, 16:48, Reply)

fill in the following
I/my partner/family/neighbors should be on Jeramy Kyle beacuse....

















Pens are available from your local job center if needed, just fill out form P3N 11 to claim pen benafits.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 30 Nov 2006, 14:52, Reply)

critical anylsis
for those who payed attention in english* critical anlysis is the anlysis of a subject around a predefined set of veiws. for example a quick google serch will find you a marxist anlysis of the presidents of the united states of america's song, 'Peaches' **.

as you can see it makes it really easy to look deep within pop culture and find pretentioud bollocks, but i was impressed with my friends insight the other day.

he recons hit 70's kid tv show Chorlton and the wheelies, is a metaphor for alcoholic dads. As chorltons antics are ment to reassure kids that they are not alone in having a raging drunk in the house.

what other way have you found to look at things?

*i didnt, i had to look this up
**no really, google it and put on the newsletter.

Edit: here it is in all its pretentious glory: pusa.cutthatout.com/peaches.html
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 30 Nov 2006, 14:48, Reply)

cristmass is comming
the goose is getting fat, and uncle nob-head is comming round with a wiskey monkey on his back and a relasionship/work/money/life problems chip on his sholder.

I want to know, which drunken twunts have ruined your family get togethers and how they did it?. tales of cristmass past and your predictions for this comming cristmass.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 30 Nov 2006, 14:39, Reply)

Italian made products which have let you down
Italy.

A beautiful country, populated with passionate and creative people who gifted us the rennaissance, many priceless works of art, literature, science and architecture which has stood against the ravages of time for centuries.

Indeed, two thousand year old Roman aqueducts still supply Italian cities with drinking water - a testament to their engineering skills.

So why the fuck does my Italian made car display all the longevity and engineering integrity of a sponge trifle?

Anyone else here have any stories about crap Italian made products which have let you down at the worst possible time to be met with a shrug of the shoulders from a customer care department and the immportal line "It gives the car/fridge/washing machine/etc character", before quoting you an utterly astronomical fee for replacement parts which cost all of 10 pence to manufacture.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 30 Nov 2006, 10:23, Reply)

Mental blocks.
What do you continually think/do even though you have been wrong a million time before and should know better?
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 21:05, Reply)

Working too much
Ive been in three countries in the last five days, have worked every day for the last four weeks, my wife is begging me to come home, and I'm sitting at work writing this at 9pm (not skiving with B3ta but waiting for my computer to finish processing lots of numbers). Just so that I can get some data to a client *only* a week late.

I think I'm working too much. What death march jobs have you ben in?
(woodchopper likes chopping wood, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 19:59, Reply)

Shitting Stories
i think a good question to ask would be... where is the strangest/adventurous place you have had a shit?

i have about 4 to tell and would very much like to tell the tales....

many thanks and regards

iamyounotme
(iamyounotme I'm a window licking retard, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 18:53, Reply)

Chat Up Lines
several years ago, me and a friend decided to invent the worst, most unnapealing chat up line imagineable. we found that by combining different 'classic' lines we could come up with pure nonsense -

"heres 10p love, ive just farted"
"Do you like animals?" (yes) "wanna meet my crabs?" etc....

what classic fun! whats the most memorable line youve ever come across??
(Fake Spaniard, Wed 29 Nov 2006, 15:08, Reply)

QOTW
What foodstuffs or drinks have people used during sex, with good or bad results.
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Tue 28 Nov 2006, 16:33, Reply)

Jokes people took seriously
and the outcomes.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Mon 27 Nov 2006, 20:23, Reply)

Rape Stories
HAve you ever raped anyone? Or been raped yourself? Share your hilarious stories.
(you're all a bunch of twats anyway, Mon 27 Nov 2006, 14:48, Reply)

How rude!
Don't you just hate rudeness? or are you really rude?

Who's been rude to you, or what drove you to be really rude to someone else?

[go out now and be rude to someone for no reason, so that you've got a good story if this is chosen]

If you don't like this idea you can all go and squeeze your own nuts you bunch of merkins.

Che
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 27 Nov 2006, 13:01, Reply)

Birth Stories
Traditionally, the male of the spiecies used to pace up and down outside a delivery room, waiting for news.

Nowadays we're subjected to pre-natal, anti-natal, yoga, aromatherpy, wellbeing classes, AND while being expected to be in the room when your firstborn arrives, screaming and covered in goo (or something).

While the woman might be doing all the work, we're usually the ones who have to put up with everything thrown at us (literally) and we're expected to remember every detail while the Mrs is off her face on pain meds. What made the arrival of your kids memorable?

Bonus points awarded for embarrassing anecdotes to be used when they get married in 20 years time...
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Sun 26 Nov 2006, 16:27, Reply)

Bets Pub Quiz Names!
We all go to them, but I bet some people have come up with some damn good names.
Quizteam Aguillera made me laugh the other day.
(EarlGrey, Sat 25 Nov 2006, 19:57, Reply)

Arse coverage
Most of the most innane regulations are purely to exempt instutions from leagal resposiblity. for instance at my last work i was given safety training two weeks before i was about to leave "so I couldent say i never had traing if i got injred or sufferd health problems in later life".

what experinces have you had with people going to great lengths to cover thier arse?
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sat 25 Nov 2006, 12:55, Reply)

absolutely shit christmas' / christmas presents
Had this discussion in the pub after work tonight.

One lass was saying how last week her and her folks went shopping and her dad stopped at a market stall looking at watches. After having a look at a few and showing a bit of interest, the fella at the stall started encouraging him to try some on, giving the best sales patter he could. The Dad mused over the various qualities and on the stall holder's various suggestions whittled down to the two best watches he liked. However, as he didn't have the money to pay there and then said he'd come back later and get the one he preferred.

Sharp thinking daughter, short for ideas for gifts, then secretly sneaks back whilst they're in another shop and buys the one that got the most positive response. Happily paying for it, sans receipt, and then secreting it in her bag and away from her dad.

On the way home they get to talking about how good the watches were, to which her dad says they were all shit and he was only being polite to the fella at the store.


As for myself, I used to have a rich auntie who bought the shittest gifts ever.

Highlights included:

A set of sharks teeth in a bag

A pocket warmer - yeah my pockets are always cold and for many a winter I'd suffered from cold pockets. The fact it was a single pocket warmer as well made me constantly question which was the colder pocket of the two. As a result one pocket soon accused me of favouring the other. A great gift, and always one to consider for any 9 year old who needs to carry around a small, self contained oven in his cotton slacks.

A compendium of Biographies: Peter Sellars, Clint Eastwood and David Niven. I was 10 FFS!

And more recently, last Christmas, my brother bought me a 'grow your own girlfriend'. A small blue 1 inch lady which when in water grows to about 8 inches. To this day I still can't understand the thought process behind the decision to buy it, although I imagine he envisioned something like this:

Me getting home from work and in need of a laugh or a bit of company, as I live on my own, I put said girlfriend in water. Wait excitedly for an hour then bring 'her' out, laughing as the concept is so funny, and then place 'her' next to me to watch telly, discuss problems at work, and then finally discuss what Newsnight have reported on before she shrinks back down to one inch again, then me going to bed laughing and unable to sleep such was the hilarity of the whole thing.
(spike starski, Fri 24 Nov 2006, 21:01, Reply)

Cocking uni housemates and what a bunch of cock sucking wankstains they can be
my own personal experience......

Waking up in uni halls with fire alarm going off at 3.30am, walking out to find a fellow housemates door covered in everything from the kitchen, eggs, flour, pots pans, cans, literally everything.....firefighters and hall security turning up seeing all this. Then when we're all waiting outside freezing yer bollocks off, the girls from downstairs wearing very little clothing and 2 of your other housemates turn up from down the road fully clothed apparently been out for a walk!!! bullllshit....and they got away with it....later that year they were done for sexually harrassing one of my other housemates....nothing touching just all verbal stuff, they were nasty cunts.

Incidently I then moved in with these 2 twunts the following year (WHY I DO NOT KNOW) into a house with another better housemate, it ended up getting nasty when one of the "cunts" moved his girlfriend in, started eating my food from the fridge and might I add "joey doesn't share food!!" he never replaced it either, then taking a 2 hour shower together everyday.....must have been spending time looking for his penis or something.... basically to cut it short we put key loggers on our computers as they were using them to email, we then read the emails they had written about us and stole there logins for an online game they played and sold/stole all there items and deleted there characters (they'd only been playing it 24/7 for over a year lol), me and the good housemate quit uni that xmas, but before we left we put crushed laxative tablets in the sugar and whiped most the fresh food round the toilet. We stole there pc games, cd's, didn't pay our share of the untility bills and truly fuck those fuck wits over.
(Project BBQ Impossibru, Thu 23 Nov 2006, 13:08, Reply)

please jim can you fix it for me
to have the question of the week "the trouble with housemates". or something about housemates. cos i had one.

not "had" you understand. y'know.
(17,000, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 23:51, Reply)

Apparantly, I know someone who's slept with Peaches Geldof
What odd things have your friends claimed they've done?
(__, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 22:47, Reply)

How about...
...cringe-making starstruck mates?, i.e. moments when your discretion towards/lack of interest in a famous person was met by a companion's wholesale descent into toe-curling social oblivion, stalking, dribbling, simpering, or other?
Sorry for posting on the board before. It was wrong :¬/ I learn it from a book.
(Good old boy just like yer grandma!, Wed 22 Nov 2006, 17:58, Reply)

"I wish I never said that..."

( Drunken Vet, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 22:38, Reply)

The Aristocrats.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_(joke)

Can you write you own version?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 21:03, Reply)

Inappropriate liaisons
Who have you been rude with that you really shouldn't have? Teacher? Boss? Mum's/Dad's best friend? Best friend's Mum/Dad?
(The Eighth Dwarf Sneezy is a limelight hogging c*nt, Tue 21 Nov 2006, 10:53, Reply)

Shitting yourself
A good old shite gag can raise the smile like no ther but what about real life occurences? Tell us about times where you have shit yourself. I did once when i was on tablets which gave me the skits, tried to get to the toilet but more came out with each step and even got as far as my shoe. Nightmare, but i laugh about it now.
(Mr Teatime, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 20:26, Reply)

How about: "What bullshit stories have you posted on the internet"
I think we will have a few reposts:

Kidnapping Indian restaurant waiters.

Individually labelling approx 45 million individual grains of sugar.

Pull the other one!
(Minty Hit, Mon 20 Nov 2006, 11:33, Reply)