When did you first see Goatse?
I was lounging around at home when my sister started yelling "Em, Em, come here, come here!" Wondering what was so exciting, I wandered downstairs to the loungeroom where my sister had been using a chat website. "This guy said he'd send a picture of himself, and look!!!"

So we did, and we stood there for five minutes with our mouths open going "how the fuck...?"

What was your introduction to the internet meme that most makes you want to take out your eyes and wash them? (Doesn't have to be Goatse, could be Hiroshimarse or any number of other worthy candidates...)
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Thu 10 May 2007, 15:55, Reply)

Strange experiences
Life is full of strange encounters and sobering experiences. A mate of mine claims that something (or someone) once touched his arse whilst he was purched on the bog. This unsettled me to the point whereby, for the next year or so, i was hesistant to sit full-stoop when taking a richard the third.

Tell us about any strange, unexplainable experiences you have had.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Thu 10 May 2007, 13:37, Reply)

<unlurk> worst grafiti ever?</unlurk>

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 10 May 2007, 10:37, Reply)

Massaging the truth on CVs
Yes it's as old as the hills but what porkie pies have you told on your CVs? Did they get found out? How? Or maybe you're as honest as the day as long and always submit accurate CVs?

I told a regional newspaper that I was highly skilled with Quark Xpress only to find myself in charge of a department that ran solely off several computers. The sinking feeling I experienced can be translated roughly as "oh shit "
(TheGizoid wowling since, Wed 9 May 2007, 11:36, Reply)

"And that's the thanks I got"
On getting screwed over by people for whom you were doing a favour:

I spent several weeks helping my best friend - a complete layabout - with his A-Level computer science project so he wouldn't fail his course. In the end, he did so little work I actually ended up doing the whole thing for him in a half-term week I should really have spent revising for my own exams.

I got back to college to find that while I was hunched over a red-hot BBC Micro, he had spent the week screwing my girlfriend.

Then he didn't bother sitting the exam because "I'm going to fail anyway".

And that's the thanks I got.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Wed 9 May 2007, 10:57, Reply)

Anyway we can have a wallpaper question of the week?
People post \ link to their current desktop wallpaper. I know a few other sites do it, but I've found some cracking wallpapers this way.

Otherwise, howabout a wallpaper image challenge, only requirement is size of image has to be desktop (1024*768 or higher) sized.
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Wed 9 May 2007, 9:40, Reply)

If you have kids/brothers/sisters...
Why not tell about a time when you've wished you had none? Has a brother/sister/child ever made you want to curl up and and die from embarrassment? Here's mine!

Playground, first grade:
My sister (my twin but we share only a birthday in common) was sitting with a friend on the playground one morning. Sister and friend spot a boy who looks a little different. Being from a small town, she/I had never seen somebody that was disfigured before. What did my sister do? *points* "AH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"
She says she only remembers laughing uncontrollably. She wasn't being mean, she was just scared to death at the strange looking boy. I wasn't there, but it still bugs me to this day. I hope that poor kid didn't think she was making fun of him. :(
(NancyycnaN Wðñ'† ¥ðµ §hðw §ðmê ¢l姧?, Wed 9 May 2007, 5:26, Reply)

Wahey! It's a baby!
I once knew a lad who was born between two broken legs - his mum had been pushed into a canal by his drunk dad two weeks' prior to his arrival. I watched the operation that resulted in my daughter close enough to spot internal organs - but surely there are many other tales of birthing wonder? Tell us *pop!*!
(thinkthinkthink ... on ..., Tue 8 May 2007, 20:53, Reply)

With Friends Like These...
A while ago, a mate of mine, told his flatmate that he'd fancied her for ages. She was all smiles with him that evening and then that night she shagged his best mate, who knew that my mate really liked her. Nice.
How have you been screwed over by your friends?
Perhaps a nicer question to answer - What's the nicest gesture someone's ever done for you? Be it a random act of kindness from a stranger, or a partner or friend going the extra mile to do something special for you... or have you been the generous one?
(hnry just had a vowel movement, Tue 8 May 2007, 13:53, Reply)

Drunken texts and phone calls
We've all done it. Sometimes the combination of alcohol (or other things) plus something eating us up inside and a handy mobile phone is a bad mix. What's the worst thing you've text or said in a drunken phone call?

For me, it was calling my Mum to say I was stoned and my ex texting You were a fucking cunt to me at 3am two years after our break up.

What's yours?
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Sun 6 May 2007, 19:52, Reply)

Reading things wrong
I've got a habit of doing this. One of the latest was reading my fag packet:

"Smoking seriously harms you and others around you."

My first thought was, so smoking stupidly is ok? Cue me running round like a loonie making chirping noises whilst I smoke.

Maybe I'm just a fuckwit...
(EvilMeister, Sat 5 May 2007, 13:28, Reply)

Now...
...I've always had something of an obsession with spiders. Don't know why, they're just fascinating - to the point where I know latin names, can identify the spider in the bath and so on and so forth.

Few years back now, went to see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with my then best friend. Great film, had a laugh, ate too much popcorn, all the usual stuff, except one scene really bothered me. Stood up at the end, and delivered the line I'm still strangely proud of, but have yet to live down:

"It was great, but the spider in the boggart scene was wrong. The spinnerets indicate it was meant to be Latrodectus mactans*, but the markings were quite clearly Latrodectus hasselti**."

The entire cinema went silent, and I got stared at all the way to the car. The best friend never forgave me for "making a spectacle" of her, which was quite alright by me as she was a clingy little cow anyway :)


*Black Widow
**Redback Spider (from the same family, but with distinct differences)

What's the geekiest thing you've ever done?
(BrokenMatchstick is harbouring a dangerous amount of phosphorus., Sat 5 May 2007, 8:56, Reply)

Minging workplaces
Something really vile happened to a friend of mine at work. She worked in a now defunct supermarket and was walking briskly along one of the aisles when she skidded. She regained her balance and looked down - she had skidded in human faeces deposited by an elderly lady a few minuted previously. Cue a teenage boy being deployed to scoop it up......with two paddles of cardboard. The image of the liquid poo dripping off the cardboard will haunt her forever.
What vileness have you endured at your workplace?
(TheGizoid wowling since, Fri 4 May 2007, 14:43, Reply)

Hair Disasters
I was supposed to be dying my hair blonde...after my sister pulled the towel off my head all I heard was a scream of "oh my god it's gone green."

What hair disasters have you had - be it on your head or otherwise! Tell all.
(TheGizoid wowling since, Fri 4 May 2007, 14:33, Reply)

Most embarrassing moment
Oh come on! I know it's a cliche but this has to be done.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 4 May 2007, 12:51, Reply)

what have you got away with
last week i brought the buzz game and buzzers
getting it home i noticed 2 of the buzzers werent working, so myself and friends went bk to the shop to get an exchange, 30 mins and some lovely "special cake" later, i open the package only to cut through one of the wires, oh shit!
so we all go back to the shop where i shout at the lady and act disgusted that the shop stocks such shoddy items
i then get another exchange, and a voucher! bonus :)
and im pleased to say it all works very well indeed
(kellogg going slowly insane, Fri 4 May 2007, 11:10, Reply)

What did you do to make them say "You're Hired"?
Second interview stage. Interviewer hands my younger sister a sheet of standard maths questions (find 27% of 835.45 and so on) and then leaves the room. Returns a few minutes later with a calculator for her, only to see she'd finished them. Got the job right there and then. Let's hear what you did to convince those fools to employ you.
(bonjelafiend, Thu 3 May 2007, 22:42, Reply)

Charity
What have you done for charity?
What has someone done in charity for you?
What is the weirdest charity you have heard of?
Do you just want to rant about charity muggers?
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 2 May 2007, 20:04, Reply)

Ever been waaaay out of your depth in foreign places?
I'd just moved to the continent and met a group of new mates with whom I went out on the town with, along with a cool American girl.

We were all having a great time when our drunken unofficial tour guide took us to an underground club. We walked in and all the others kind of disappeared into the crowds, leaving just me and the American girl. We ordered our drinks from the bar as I commented there were an awful lot of skin heads about in one place (kind of hoping it was a gay pub so I could pull).

Me and the girl walked round the corner only to see... a huge banner in a foreign language with lots of exclamation marks and two giant swastikas. I'm gay. She was black. She just looked at me and held my hand and said, "Get me out of here. Now. I can't be here."

So we put down our pints and headed for the door as I clenched my fists ready for a fight I knew I couldn't possibly win. We ran out of the door and laughed nervously all the way home.

When I caught up with our friends later, they were really angry for disappearing as they'd been really worried. Turns out it was an ANTI - Nazi rally. Oops. Time to learn the local language.
(badfox1 wonders who he's played by this episode on, Wed 2 May 2007, 19:45, Reply)

As soon as i passed....
...my driving test i was happy bunny. I thought that me and my humble 998cc Mini City had the world at our disposal.

I spent all morning washing it and fitting my stereo, ready to go and impress the year 11 girls.

I got in the car, adjusted my mirrors and turned the key.....

.....at which point my driveshaft broke and the ignition burnt out.

It was 18 months before i could afford another car.

So, what are your stories about finally getting your hands on the wheel after 17 years!
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Wed 2 May 2007, 9:10, Reply)

Mum's - Bless em
There are certain things that only mums do

IE: not just checking but Scruitinising the docket after shopping, making sure everythings on there, nothings on there twice, and nothings been over charged.
OR
The ever present snot rag up the cardigan sleeve. Cloth hankies repulse me at the best of times, why would i want to keep wadded up nose treasure about my person?

What does your mum do that gets right up your nose in its futility and pointlessness?
(spent.fish flipping and gasping, Wed 2 May 2007, 1:55, Reply)

famous encounters
I worked above a recording studio once, and the most interesting thing about the whole experience was getting to share the same entrance with the talent - I can confirm Adam Clayton is a very nice bloke and Posh does indeed sing like a bag of cats in a combine harvester. However, by far my most interesting brush with a famous person
was in my home town. Aged 17, pished as a fart and out much too late on a schoolnight, I applied drunken teenager logic to the situation and proceeded to hitch at 1am rather than walk the 20 mins required.
I got a lift with a lovely beardy bloke in a comfy posh car, put my shoes on the dashboard, and lamented that my father was going to kill me. The driver gave me a deserved lecture on accepting lifts from strangers, under-aged drinking and generally putting myself in danger.
It wasn't for ages afterwards that I realised, the kind man in question was Pat McCabe, author extraordinaire of the Butcher Boy and so on....

So folks, what's your crap claims to fame; have you ever washed Seamus Heaney's brother's car or eaten one of Kylie Minouge's insoles?

Pray, do tell!


[apologies if this Viz-inspired question has been done before]
(parker larkin is an experiment, Tue 1 May 2007, 19:11, Reply)

Accidental insults
Not sure if this has been done already, but where you say something offensive 'accidentally'...

an example:

I was on a short course learning to speak spanish, with a friend of mine.
We turn up and start chatting to an Aussie guy about this and that. He notices my can of Red Bull and tells me that it's banned in America.
"Really?" says I,"That's weird, but then there all fucking idiots over there"
Aussie man stammers for a minute, then replies "but, I'M Australian".
"Yeah, I know." says me, wondering why he's bothered to tell me that, considering it's completely obvious by his accent.
Anyway, the lesson starts so chit-chat finishs. At the end of the lesson I turn to say goodbye to him, but he's already stormed off.
My friend pointed out that I'd misheard him. He hadn't said it was america the drink was banned, and yes - it WAS Australia.
So, I'd just insulted him and his fellow countrymen to his face. and the fucker was built like a brick shithouse.

It's a funny old world...
(EvilMeister, Tue 1 May 2007, 0:45, Reply)

Things we did(/do) when we're young
When we were young (or, as some of us might be, are still young) we all did some things that were quite different, either for amusement, to look cool, to prove something is possible, etc.
I could spend hours listing some of the things we did for amusement (no homo).

Example: Something me and my mates did, when we got a freshly concreted drive-way, was to put mattresses off our beds, onto skateboards, and continue to ride them down the hill. Of course, this always left mother to ask why our mattresses were so ripped up sometimes ;)

Come on, there has to be heaps of great and wonderful inventions out there!

(Woot, just lost my comment virginity :D)
(Dave743, Mon 30 Apr 2007, 7:14, Reply)

Work Experience
That most interesting of fortnights happened to me back in upper school.

My friends all ended up shoveling various forms of animal shit, either on 'city farms' or at some animal rescue establshment.

I was well known to my teachers as a bit of a car freak, so i somehow ended up spending 2 weeks doing 120mph on A-roads whilst singing to Quen with the employees of a (surprisingly) now-defunct well known british car maker.

Not once did i witness a single car being sold.

What wonderful things did you get up to under 2 weeks of legalised child labour?
(tgt At the very forefront of cocking about with cars, Sun 29 Apr 2007, 20:37, Reply)

Deadlines
Its that time of year for us university students, where we all have to hand in our coursework to the lecturas. And even though we had it at the begining of the term , its still left 24 hours before deadline.

What desperate things have you done to make sure your work is handed in on time?
( Captain Pilchard The king of B-movies!, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 1:31, Reply)

bible stories
We have often in the past discussed (as one does when one imbibes a few Saturday arvo bevvies) religious beliefs and the Bible. Having a bible at the ready is also handy. I’ve found chapters in there where they a) eat babies and b) throw sandals at brothers in law because they won’t have sex with their brothers wife (or something like that)
Question of the week: find a bible, find the silliest bit in it, quote chapter and verse - or make up your own bible chapter relating to your current life.
btw: Kings 2 6:28 The Siege of Samaria—Cannibalism – boiled baby kebabs mmmmmmmmm..
And yes, I'm a newbie. Been saving these up for some time now.........
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 1:15, Reply)

Who would you shag?
You are being held by the (insert fundamentalist religious group here) terrorist army. They are going to kill you, in fact, they are holding a gun to your head right now. But, you can save yourself. If you agree to have sex with a person of your choice, but they MUST be of the sex that is the OPPOSITE of what you would normally choose. i.e straight = same sex; gay=opposite sex; bi-sexual=Peter Andre.**
Myself, being a lass – would choose Stevie Nicks. I would do her in a flash.
Also, men on men – does not necessarily mean bum sex. Just to orgasm. But I feel there would have to be some oral action.
So, who would you shag to save your life??
**This is an extremely strange terrorist group, and they would personally acquire this person for you purely because they are pervies.
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Thu 26 Apr 2007, 0:15, Reply)

-
Can we do my "school reunions" question yet please?
(jennymnemonic, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 21:26, Reply)

Secret secrets
Think of your deepest darkest most revolting innermost secret that you would never ever tell anyone else not even for a Blue Peter badge or a Curly Wurly or anything.

Then tell it to all of us!

I'll tell you mine* if you make this the QOTW...


* it's AWFUL
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 25 Apr 2007, 14:16, Reply)