Valdivar
The reason cyclists sometimes cycle outside their lane is because their lane is usually full of broken glass, leaves or potholes. The council tax doesn't extend to cleaning the cycle path, so they have to use the road. Also, there's usually some fuckwit using the cycle lane as a parking space.
(frankspencer, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 15:04, Reply)

Heath, not Sheath
Driving to my weekend job at B+Q as a 17 year-old, I had the misfortune to run over a motorcyclist. He went right across my bonnet and snapped his bike in half.

Later, as we exchanged details, I discovered that I was slightly in shock and he was quite inarticulate. The conversation went like this:

Me: And what is your surname?
Him: Heath
Me: [Writing] Sheath.
Him: I said 'Heath'.
Me: {Nervously] Sheath?
Him: Are you taking the piss? I'm gonna fuckin' kill you!
Me: Sorry, Mr Sheath.
Him: [Brandishing fist] It's fuckin' 'Heath'!
Passerby: Bloody teenagers. Probably listening to the radio and smoking pot!
Me: I don't smoke. And there's no radio in this car.
Passer-by: Listening to bloody techno, I bet.
Me: So, Mr Sheath ...
(frankspencer, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Transit Lovelies
I managed to annoy a couple of builders once. probably cos i hadnt got their heightened level of foresight so hadnt got into the fast lane about a mile before their right hand turn.

I "encourage" them to move but they don't. Annoyed, myself and about 10 other drivers undertake them - they really WERE in the way! Got to the turning in no time, take my right, check behind, oh look who's following me.

Me heart rate edges up a tad, then a lot as i see a nice healthy, heart wrenching queue ahead. i stop. he stops. i worry. he jumps out of the van and legs it at me full steam ahead - we're talking mel gibson in braveheart like charge - I panic, its all going wrong.

god then recognises the idiocy of this particular vanman creation and queue ahead happily turns into free flowing traffic. This in turn forces said builder to try a pull a quick stop and turn to get back in his van to chase me. watching this i cant help but burst out laughin as he falls on his arse mid turn watching me casually flipping the Vs and driving merrily on me way. it was lilke watching people do that nasty shuttle test they made you do at school.

Not quite sure what he intended to do to me when he got to my car. the way he was moving i think he was planning on just ramming his head throught the rear window. i really do despair at humanity sometimes.
(hatofjam built a friend out of lego on, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:39, Reply)

fastandfurryous
Understand your frustration, but you'll get killed one day. Pull over mate, let HIM be the one that ends up in the ambulance.

My philosophy? Rise above it. You see a lot of accidents from the safety of the moral high ground.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:36, Reply)

Don't get me started!!!
It’s a bit like guns isn’t it. Guns don’t kill people; people do…but people WITH guns can do it so much easier. So it is with cars: cars don’t turn people into arseholes, they are arseholes already, the car just gives extra expression to their arseholiness and makes them potentially lethal.

I only got my license after having a baby, as we lived in London, and you don’t want to drive in London unless you have to. As a result I’ve always tried to be a laid back, philosophical driver. I don’t like fights (as you may know), and have managed to avoid them by the tactic of avoiding dickheads and resisting the temptation to ‘teach them a lesson’ by tailgating the tailgator etc.

I do suffer from road rage though and frequently resort to beeping my little horn or flashing lights while turning the air inside the car blue with some well-chosen epithets.

My daily commute is along a single lane A-road which has one c.mile long stretch of dual carriageway. Why is that people can slow down to 30 or 40mph when going through a village but have to drive at 90mph when the road goes dual carriageway?? The most they can do is get maybe four cars ahead in a virtual 30 mile convoy of cars/lorries heading the same way and yet they’ll try to overtake one last car (probably doing 70) at the very end of the dual stretch before slamming on the brakes as the limit drops to 40.

I get frustrated behind the knob that drives at 45 when the limit is 50 or 60, but hey, it only means I get to work five minutes later than I would have done. I’d much rather that than end in a smash because some leap-frogging numpty has to pull back in front of me to avoid a head-on collision with a salesman talking on his mobile.

Which reminds me, I was nearly knocked down crossing the road the other week by some young dude driving too fast with one hand while talking on his phone with a fag in his mouth, squinting because of the smoke! I nearly jumped out in front of him just to teach him a lesson.

And I’ve invented a hand signal for drivers that don’t indicate: I point at their lights an
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:31, Reply)

JUST got off the phone to my Dad
He was in Jewsons (the builders' merchant) when some spastic in a massive pickup (a new Mitsubishi Warrior, in immaculate condition parks in the yard.

It's a big old yard, because it has big old trucks reversing in to drop off steel, tonnes of bricks and pallets of concrete. There's one small section with yellow cross-hatching marked "NO PARKING" because thats where the fork lift comes out to unload the big trucks.

There's plenty of space to park your car, but the Warrior driver decides that that yellow cross-hatching is the best place to park so that he can inspect some nearby bricks. He exits the car, wanders over the lot, and the fat bastard that usually drives the fork lift has had enough. I've seen him yell nine shades of shit out of someone's ears before, but this has driven him over the edge. My dad said "he ran like a hormonal orangutan" towards the fork lift, hopped in, and ran it full tilt , prongs raised, across 300m of car park into the Warrior, impaling it sideways through the engine and the front passenger door. He tries a go at lifting it too, seriously fucking it up, before returning the fork lift to it's parked position.

Not on a road, but that's some justifiable anger management right there.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:29, Reply)

How to mean "fuck off" without actually saying it.
Right, here's one.

I had quite a nasty car accident a couple of years ago - photos etc here.

Luckily, apart from minor injuries, the other driver and I were pretty much okay. His passenger though needed medical attention, so I phoned an ambulance. As you can see, my car ended up blocking the road at a jaunty angle, so I asked for the police as well.

A while later, we're all standing around looking shocked and dazed, there's a police car, an ambulance, a bloody-faced guy on a stretcher, a paramedic trying (unsuccessfully) to convince me that they should send another ambulance for me, bits of car all over the place, and a woman walks up to the lone attending policeman.

Turns out she was from the nearest house. Had she come to offer an eyewitness account, or see if there was anything we needed, such as a cup of tea?

Had she bollocks. She strode straight up to the copper, and said "I heard there'd been an accident. I'm just making sure that my fence hasn't been damaged".

My car was the nearest one to the fence, a good 20 feet away. While she was speaking to him, she was trying to get past to physically check that nothing had damaged her property.

I can't actually remember what the copper said, but it was along the lines of "As you can see madam your fence is fine now will you please leave" - delivered utterly politely, but in a voice so icy that I'm surprised she didn't get frostbite. What a star.

Thanks for your time =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:26, Reply)

Dickheads in powerful cars in the outside lane.
Dontcha just hate them. You know the ones. When you're perfectly justifiably in the outside lane of the motorway, overtaking other cars, and you get some utter cnut in their Merc/BMW/Lexus/feck-off 4x4 etc. 3'6" from your bumper. Is it going to make me pull over? No. In fact, it's going to make me stay there longer than I might otherwise have done.

Neat little trick though: just as there's a gap big enough for you to pull back in, you start to signal, and begin to move over. Twatfeatures in his penis extension floors it to get past you before you've barely even moved.... So you stop moving over. Twatfeatures then has to anchor-up as hard as he can, at which point you move briskly over to the left, leaving the idiot in a completely clear lane with his foot hard on the brake.

Makes the point really rather well.

Without realising it, I did this in front of an unmarked copper once (he was the car I was pulling back in front of in the slower lane) Blue lamps come on in the grille, and I think "Oh, Crap." At which point he darts into the outside lane and pulls over the tosser in the Merc s-class who had been tailgaiting me.

Fabulous.
(fastandfurryous What was the question again?, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:17, Reply)

Bastard cyclists ...
... who cycle on the road NEXT to a cycle path!!

I'm not a vindictive or embittered man, but they should all die screaming entangled in the axles of a 16-tonner, their broken bodies a mangled cacophony of blood, handlebars and spilt organs, for their total fucking arrogance on refusing to utilise the facilities MY taxes helped to pay for.

I recant my vindictive / embittered statement.

*seeeeeeeth*
(valdivar kant speel, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:14, Reply)

Bus lanes in Bromley
Between my house and my boyfriend's house there is a bus lane. It's only in operation between 7am and 10am Monday to Friday. There's big signs that say so all the way along.

Why then, do some people make a careful point, much later in the day, of coming out of the bus lane, usually driving at 5 mph below the speed limit? This forces those of us who can read and tell the time to have to pass them on the inside.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:05, Reply)

Christian Fish...
Emvee, I couldn't agree with you more on the whole Christian Fish thing. May I recommend: www.darwinfish.com/
(bigquack, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 14:02, Reply)

Does table rage count?
I was in a restaurant with a couple of other b3tans, and one of them Chorizowagon completely lost it. Very frightening.




EDIT: Oh, emvee - I'm a Christian, and I'm not offended - in fact, I agree about the fish things. I have a skull & crossbones on the back of my car... =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:59, Reply)

Fog lights?
Pet hate, twunts that drive with fog lights on in their cars as it makes the front of them look pretty.

Do they not realise that it lights up the fog light on the back of the vehicle which hurts the eyes of those behind them at night?

I tend to get in front of them and keep turning my fog light off and on until they take the hint. If everyone did this they would surely get the message.

Also, a nice thing to do when thanking someone for stopping to let you past at night is to low beam them, rather than high beaming them and blinding them for the next 5 minutes.
( 99redbuffoons Reversed the polarity of the neutron flow at, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:59, Reply)

I do hate people who undertake
Particularly when all three lanes are full and I'm already doing 90+ in the fast lane, at a reasonably safe distance from the car in front. Then some stupid cunt undertakes me, zips into the space and realises he has nowhere to go, so slams on the brakes.

Stupid fucking bastards. If you want to kill yourself, use a fucking rope.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:58, Reply)

Stupid woman cow driver wrecked my tyres!
Dual carriageway, little Ka or something similarly crap in left hand lane, I am in right hand lane and going faster, she was putting lipstick on. I step on gas to speed up and get past as I want to be in her lane and she is dawdling at 50 and I am doing 70/75.

Suddenly, she clocks me coming past (having put down her lipstick) she floors it, we draw level she looks across and I smile and make a little gesture that generally indicates my wish to get in front of her at which point to my horror she swings the wheel towards me causing me to so same and scratching my wheel and tyre against the foot high central reservation. I submit and fall in behind her as she jumps into my lane and turns right.

I take the left at the roundabout and park up at work to discover my tyre hissing air, the wheels are locked on with locking nuts that my twunt of an ex has lost the key for, I have to have all 4 wheels drilled off and buy new locking nuts and one new tyre. This was about 7 years ago and it all costs me £120 and loads of grief from the ex, as it's all MY fault of course.

As a result I have very little faith in women drivers, especially those that drive their 4x4's to Eddlesborough school
( 99redbuffoons Reversed the polarity of the neutron flow at, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:53, Reply)

Middle lane hoggers
Another pet hate of mine, but one that peeves me no end.

Don't you just hate it when the overtaking lane crawls along at 60mph, while the inner two lanes are free of traffic? What are they all doing there? Attempting to overtake the idiot sitting in the middle of the fucking motorway doing 55mph...

If you attempt to attract their attention by flashing in their mirror they'll ignore you. The reason for this is that they haven't actually bothered using their mirror since 1972, when they passed their test, or because they're too busy cooing at the unrestrained snot nosed infant jumping all over the back seat.

It's time that we binned the Gatso and started fining these pricks who get all self righteous ("Ooh, I hate people who undertake!"). Better yet, have the fuckers tarred and feathered by the roadside.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:47, Reply)

Dobby
I agree 100%. I've been knocked down (as a pedestrian) precisely twice in my life, and both times have been by cunting cyclists who didn't stop at a red light because they obviously don't apply to them. I've had narrow misses when they've tried to weave through the people on a zebra crossing without even slowing down, and to quote Douglas Adams, they occupy a moral high ground that only cyclists seem to inhabit.

I now carry a long umbrella everywhere, so when I'm crossing the road and some cyclist doesn't stop at the lights, umbrella meets spokes. Fair's fair, and I bet the law would be right on my side.

"Did you deliberately stick your umbrella in his spokes?"
"No officer, it must have got tangled when he jumped that red light/ignored the zebra crossing and nearly hit me as I was crossing the road."
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:40, Reply)

VW Golf GITs
First of all I used to own a VW Golf GIT, but unlike those idiots encountered by Technotrousers, I tried to pilot mine with due consideration for everyone else. Biggest arse-ache for me was all the Neds in their battered Escorts, Novas etc who'd assume that I was up for some sort of race and either carve me up at roundabouts or sit behind me at traffic lights revving engines and/or driving right up my chuff. For fucks sake! There's no way in a million years that some chavved up 1.1 litre Nova is going to out drag an electric golf cart from the lights. Best to let 'em go, better they crash into someone else instead of me (chances are they'll have no insurance anyway).

BTW, why do these idiots think that a big bore exhaust and a set of Halfords alloys is going to endow their piss poor excuse of a four seater roller skate with anything more than the sound/performance of a wheezy rhinocerous suffering from terminal flatulence? The PWEI track "Beaver Patrol" was written especially for those fools.

These days I'm a victim to the incredibly piss-poor quality control/customer care standards of Alfa Romeo. Granted, there are much fewer instances of people trying to tailgate/carve me up etc, but you get such amusing episodes as bits of plastic with a wire stuck in inexplicably failing every year (and costing upwards of £250 to replace), tracking which goes out of alignment all by itself, radiators which corrode, electrics seemingly randomly wired and guaranteed to fail, dealers who don't give a shit and say "well, it gives the car some character don't you think?" when attempting to justify a £300 bill for unbolting a piece of metal, Filing it a bit and bolting it back up again (after losing my car in their forecourt after it was one of eleven Alfas to break down and get towed to this particular dealership over the course of a weekend).

Ah, motoring. Don't you just love it?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:34, Reply)

Zafira's and Moriva drivers
I know that these vehicles have been big upped by those offering cars for disabled drivers, or those transporting a disabled member of the family and the people that drive them for this reason are normally spotted by the fact you can see the wheel chair blocking their rear view and for that reason I tend to be more patient when stuck behind them and give them plenty of room. My gripe is not with them.

Anybody else that drives these sorry excuses for cars....Why do you drive at 30 in a 60, brake without warning and fail to indicate? Is it because you feel that unsafe taking mild corners? Or are you just unable to drive?

Has anyone else noticed how poorly the owners of the above drive? Is there some sort of correlation between really shite taste in cars and driving ability?

And I am truly sorry to tar everyone with the same brush, but it's every time I get stuck behind one, every time!!!

They make me soooo mad!
( 99redbuffoons Reversed the polarity of the neutron flow at, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:32, Reply)

Madman
This happened to me on the way home from my first day at a new job. What fun

I was in the outside lane of a dual carriage way passing someone at about 70 when he put his foot down and swerved in front of me, missing me by about a foot. He had done this to pass a cyclist (bloody cyclist) that was about 50 yards in front of him so he really didnt have to do it.

Of course I bibbed my horn in outrage.

This may have been a mistake as he then slammed his brakes on (still on busy dual carriageway at rush hour) so I did the same and ended up about 2 metres away from him. bloke who was about 40 years old and proper massive gets out of the car and storms towards me. I shit myself (proverbially of course) as I was a skinny 17 year old runt at the time and wheelspin off into the other lane without looking, which was of course very dangerous. He was very angry and managed to kick my door which left a nice dent. He then proceeded to follow me up a huge hill in his Jag whilst I was driving my poor 106 1 litre pussymobile as hard as it could go (about 70 up this hill) and only manged to avoid him by going round a roundabout 3 times and taking an exit when he got cut up by someone.

Wish I'd run the cunt over now.....
(Jimmy Large Is huffing Jenkem on, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:29, Reply)

Alexxx
QUOTE:
"Drive," he cried, "Drive motherfucker!" Nay, I thought. Who is this man to tell me what to do? So I turned to him and said:
"Fuck you. I won't do what you tell me.


not as bad as the time I was in a service station and someone asked me if I knew the way to San Jose.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:29, Reply)

Baby on board stickers
If they're really there to alert the emergency services (assuming that the doting parent hasn't forgotten to take the sign down when there's no baby in the car anyway), surely the presence of 20 bags of nappies, toys, bottles, spare bottles, jars of food, wipes and milk formula, a pushchair, pram and a baby seat in the car would be enough to alert all but the dimmest paramedic that they should be looking for a little 'un as well.

Ah well, at least they're not Christian fish signs. Why on earth anyone would want to advertise their cunting religion to other road users is beyond me, though I usually take it to mean: "The driver of this car is a complete fucking retard. Avoid at all costs, especially in situations where you may be required to talk to them."

...

A note to any Christian b3tans who may be offended by the above:
Good. Go and cry to your invisible friend, because you'll get precious little sympathy anywhere else.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:28, Reply)

whizzer
there's no such thing as an accidental cut up in bristol. i think BMW should give every resident a free M5 cos they all drive like they own one.
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:28, Reply)

McFlu
Buses don't stop for students in Exeter, because they, like everyone else in the town despise the silver spoon chomping, rich little mummy's and daddy's boys/girls that go to uni there.

The uni has a sticker that every student with a car (and that's most, usually brand new golfs that mummy and daddy have bought) uses that says "Exeter, Probably the best university in the world" on them in the Carlsberg font.

Not only is this an untruth, but everytime I see a car with one of these stickers I want to kill everyone within range. Don't know why they make me so angry, but they do.

this may sound discriminatory, but I worked in the bank at the Uni for a while and I know for a fact that they are all spoiled rich kids. In response to me asking if they want a credit card I actually heard the words "no thanks I've got daddy's gold card".....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:27, Reply)

Not me but my mate Tim
He drives really fast, goes through spaces in his BMW I'd never attempt in my Toyota, and shouts at all the drivers who aren't quick enough and blares his horn and goes red with rage.

I used to nervously say to him : Tim you are driving too fast mate, watch for that speed camera etc etc. Then more recently he told me that although I knew he was a policemean in his earlier years he was also a driver. Ah. now I know why he has road rage. They take 7 weeks to train them by demotivating them for 2 weeks telling them they can't steer or change gears properly then build them up to the drivers you see today driving police cars going along at 120 miles an hour down the motorway.

He's probably the safest driver I know, and I just take the piss out of his road rage, which makes him even worse. As I've got 9 points on my licence I drive like a snail and stay within the speed limits, which makes him more raged if he's with me. I didn't know people could get so angry about driving.

Sad eh ?
( Tiggy the diver, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:20, Reply)

When sitting at a junction....
usually waiting to turn right, I'll be sat there, a constant stream of cars coming from the left blocking my way, and someone coming from the right stops and flashes for me to pull out.

Do they expect me to just drive blindly into a load of cars?

Fair enough they are trying to do the nice thing, but my only option then is to stay where I am or drive into the middle of the road blocking their way.

Normally I would just sit where I am and wait for them to realise the error of their ways, however there have been occasions when you can see the idiot getting all irate about it, flashing and waving for me to drive out in front of them. On these occasions I tend to drive as far as I can without hitting the cars coming from the left, which means entirely blocking lane I'm crossing, turning to the person who enticed me out who is now stuck, and offering them a shrug and a vacant expression.

This makes people mad.

Am I the only one that this happens to?

To forestall comments: yes I know that if I pull out people will likely feel obliged to stop and let me in, but I dislike forcing my way in amongst cars as I dislike people doing it to me.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:19, Reply)

Odd fellow...
Mate of mine (not seen him in a bit) was as straight-laced a fellow as you've ever seen. Worked in IT, drove a Nissan Micra and didn't take sugar in his tea. But just get on the wrong side of him on the roads when he was suffering from a hangover! I was sat in the back of his Micra one morning when a 4x4 (slightly - could even have been an innocent mistake) cut him up on a roundabout in Bristol. He didn't say a word, just dropped a gear, floored it and smashed into the back of the offending truck. Then took the next exit and drove off, cool as a cucumber all the way. Weird, eh?
(Whizzer, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:11, Reply)

Chavs
Country road in Oxfordshire and I'm pootling along with the missus, when the standard Chav'd up Nova (alloy wheels, ridiculous exhaust, colour scheme of white paint and grey filler, baseball-capped, goldie-chained neanderthals inside) comes screaming down the outside of me as we approach a blind corner.

Obviously, something suddenly appears coming the other way and I have a split-second to weigh up the two options of a) either braking heavily myself to give them room to swing in in front of me; or b) stay as I am, forcing them to choose between piling into the oncoming car or taking their chances with the hedge on the righthand side of the road (its amazing how quick the mind can work).

Out of consideration for the other car I go for option a). I'm hard on the anchors, the Nova swings in in front of me, there's blaring horns, flashing lights and a little tyre smoke from the other car. A nasty accident narrowly avoided.

The Nova driver and his mate shows their appreciation for my generous gesture by giving me wanker signs out of the window before subjecting me to a brake test as we head down the next straight. The resultant chase down the road was only brought to a halt by my missus' cries of fear.

With my masculinity in tatters, I give in to her pleads and allow the twats the pleasure of thinking they won, my mind full of thoughts of what might have been had I been on my own (of course, had I been on my won they wouldn't have caught up with me in the first place).

So you can imagine my glee 15 minutes later when we came round a corner to find - at the end of a long set of skidmarks leading to a hole in a fence - two dazed looking chavs in a field surveying their Nova, now on its roof and surrounded by cows.

Should any of the people who had stopped to help be reading this, you now will understand why the driver of a red Golf went past the scene joyfully beeping its horn and waving the wanker sign out the window....
( Squid Ink should be stored upright in a cool, dark place, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:10, Reply)

Stupid pushchair mothers
who push their baby out into the road in front of them, between parked cars. I suppose they figure they can just have another one when they finally get it killed.
(><(((">, Mon 16 Oct 2006, 13:04, Reply)