The trolls killed QOTW to death
out of jealousy because their pathetic lives mean that they have no real stories of their own to tell, so instead they round up on other posts and rip them to pieces instead.
(King Nightmare, Thu 17 Jan 2013, 11:05, 15 replies)

SHEDS
I like boobs
( M o D, Thu 17 Jan 2013, 10:29, 1 reply)

I did not care for The Godfather
It insists upon itself
(flimflam_machine, Thu 17 Jan 2013, 9:42, 7 replies)

I...
I don't like horses. They're not best of all the animals.

(Though I confess a soft spot for lovable old Jeremy)

I can't live the lie any longer.
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 17 Jan 2013, 8:49, 1 reply)

Pricks
wankers
( Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Thu 17 Jan 2013, 8:42, Reply)

Lastest

(McChinaman banned, Thu 17 Jan 2013, 6:39, 2 replies)

Not quite what I expected
I had to do a death notification for the police force in anther city. The only daughter of the deceased lived in my area, and it is our practice to do these notifications in person. I was the lucky guy who got the assignment. When I knocked on the door, in full uniform, and asked her "Are you So-and-so, the daughter of Mr XYZ?" she caught on right away and asked "Is he dead?"I assumed a suitably sorrowful expression and confirmed it, whereupon she said "Thank Christ! I thought the miserable old bastard would be around forever!" Apparently no love lost between the two...
(Smudge the Demon, Thu 17 Jan 2013, 5:07, Reply)

Laster

( 4Q just lurking, Thu 17 Jan 2013, 1:19, Reply)

Last.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 16 Jan 2013, 23:35, Reply)

3 pages of posts? seriously?
Shut this motherfucker down permanently, yo
(quintsy, Wed 16 Jan 2013, 22:49, 10 replies)

I quite like Coldplay

Whew, it's a relief to finally get that off my chest.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 16 Jan 2013, 10:35, 33 replies)

Might as well tell my tale of saying the unsayable
(dusts off cobwebs and starts typing)

A few years ago I was stranded abroad and working to pay for my trip home. The locals were a pain in the ass, the food was pretty decent but the fact that there was some form of local conflict going on meant that I wanted to bugger off sharpish. I finally managed to get close to sorting everything when I was given one final job from one of the locals.

Simple (and like many of the things I had done before, pretty dodgy), the job was to pop over to the more lawless part of the area, pick up a package using the right codeword and bring it back to the guy who asked me to do the job. My plan was to then bugger off into the sunset and leave this dump behind. It should have been simple…if I wasn’t distracted on the way and sort of screwed up the codeword.

How the hell did he think I would manage to remember to say Klaatu verata nicto anyway? Having to fight off your evil twin and a number of mini copies of yourself can really cause a lapse in concentration.

Apologies for cobwebs, I seemed to have taken one drop of sleeping potion too many, but I’m sure I said the right words this time……
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 15 Jan 2013, 14:49, 19 replies)

I once had to tell someone
that they were to be made redundant due to company downsizing. It was one of our junior workers, a diligent, cheerful fellow in his mid-thirties, who had a wife and two small children to support. Everyone liked him, he was a good worker, his sick record was impeccable, and he always scored Exceeded in his annual review.

But fuck that. We were strapped for cash, so the cunt had to go, and his duties spread around other teams in the office.

I always believe the best way to deal with redundancy is to tell the affected person as soon as possible, so as to squash any rumours, and to tell it to them straight. Then let them collapse into a blubbering snot-nosed heap in front of you, and then quietly and politely extricate oneself from the meeting, and go for a power wank. I'd done it before, and I'd do it again - many times, going by our plummeting bottom line.

And so with this in mind I invited the oblivious employee for a quick 'chat.' He blanched a bit when I said this, as everyone knows that the worst thing a manager can ask of you is to come for a quick 'chat'; but I smiled and reassured him that it wouldn't take long.

He happily followed me into Meeting Room 2.2 and sat opposite me, a vague smile playing over his bland, good-guy features. I felt an erection begin to stir, and shifted in my seat as I clasped my hands on the table.

"Bill", I said [name changed obviously - it was John really], "I'm afraid I have some rather bad news for you. You will be aware that we are undergoing a period of business reorganisation at present."

I paused. All the colour had drained from Bill's face, and his eyes had widened in shock. I knew then that he knew, and that my next words were almost irrelevant.

"Due to downsizing we can no longer afford your post, so we are terminating your employment with us, so you will be made compulsorily redundant in three weeks as of today which we have a right to do according to your contract of employment."

I watched with interest as Bill sort of... melted... in front of me. First his eyes closed, tears squeezing through his eyelids. Then his mouth twisted as he emitted a choking sob of despair. His shoulders slumped and he collapsed head in hands over the table, his body racked with shuddering sobs as he wept in utter and complete despair.

Lush!

I was now fully erect, and couldn't help flicking the V's at Bill's abject carcass as it howled and squirmed before me. I then intoned in the most callous monotone I could manage: "Counselling is available for all staff affected by the downsizing. Please contact the Staff Counsellor, you will find their details on the Intranet."

I then stood up to leave, my erection making this somewhat difficult.

Bill's twisted, destroyed form writhed beneath me, and he managed to twist his gaze in my direction. "Bubleraghaghegoblublagheraaaaagh!" he said.

I shook my head sadly. "Believe me Bill this hurts me more than it hurts you. And who knows? In the current climate it could be MY head on the block next!" Like BOLLOCKING FUCKTHUNDER it would.

"Please," the victim gasped. "My family... it's Christmas... please... gluberooberaargherblaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

But I was already on my way out of the room and Bill's cries receded as I took myself off to the executive bathroom for that well-deserved power wank.

Very soundly, next to my beautiful wife, thanks for asking.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 21:44, 9 replies)

Peons
It recently fell to me to tell everyone that they're getting too much money and not giving me enough money. And that they're fat and unhealthy and drink too much. I like telling people what's good for them so it didn't phase me one bit. I've even got a special face I do for it and everything. Keep up the good work b3ta.

Regards,
David Cameron
(DMDeck16, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 21:07, 12 replies)

Just an indication
At 7am and out of smokes one just cannot accept any more 'cuddles'. No I've not had nicotine for about 12 hours, so get the hell off 'woody' and let me go for a pee, get dressed and get some Slit Cut.

Managed that ok after much grumbling from Ms Suck but had forgotten that I had left my contact lenses in overnight, therefore my eyesight was a bit hazzy. Not a prob I thought, done this loads of times. Just blink a lot and all will be fine, only 5 mins down the road....

Until cunt features pulls out from a parking space. Anchors applied and flash the lamps, cos he's a cunt, not driving a Honda Accord, and not indicating. Cunt.

Get to the end of the road and the haze is changing to a red one. Mr blind cunt then stops. He has three ways to go. Left, right and ahead. Hmm, nothing orange so cunthead is going ahead.... Nope. Turns right. Green cunt, saving precious battery by not using the stalks. My devils spawn car using all 4 right turning lights, GPS (guff positioning system), SIPS (Sperm Inducing Pussy Sonar) so using more energy that Mr T lifting his wallet, then manovuers behind GC (green cunt). 200m down the road he then saves more energy by pulling in, on the right hand side, no lights, no hands, fuck all.

Oh cute, he's going to the same shop as me.

Fucking use your indicators you cunt. You what? Said GC. I said fucking use your indicators you cunt, moving closer. He said hmm, fuck off or I shall breathalise you whilst showing his warrant card.

Cunt
(Suck it and Sea, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 20:19, 11 replies)

Looking back on it, it wasn't my proudest moment
Back in my sales office days, we took on a new guy, Spock. That wasn't his real name, but it quickly became his nickname when we realised that he had no sense of humour whatsoever.

Since I was showing him the ropes during his first few weeks, it fell to me to tell him that he had a really bad BO problem. Taking him out of the office, I told him as tactfully as I could that his armpits were causing no little offence to everyone and suggested that maybe he could use a bit of deodorant in future.
He was predictably mortified and promised to do better in future. So far, so good. However, a few days later he was back to his stinky ways... so I walked over to his desk and placed a can of Lynx firmly on it. He went bright red, said "No way!", then took the can and left the room, returning a couple of minutes later smelling somewhat fresher.

To be fair, he never smelled of BO again after that so it did work...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 19:20, 7 replies)

A friend of mine once plucked up the courage to tell me...
...that anything I ever do in life, he could do a better job of it.
(Mud the Far Car can and will, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 14:57, 7 replies)

I told my dad not to patronise me.
He responded that as my patron, he'd patronise me as much as he liked.

He's approaching his late 70s now.

I'm looking forward to when he's feeble-minded and feeble-bodied enough that I can turn the tables.

EDIT: I have no idea how this fits the question, either.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 13:37, Reply)

I know one of Rob's dirty secrets and had to tell him it was becoming obvious to all who met him. It was this:
[Mod deleted. Post contravenes QOTW Guidelines.]
(McChinaman banned, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 13:14, 4 replies)

They have no word for "fluffy"

(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 10:20, 3 replies)

I like to be actively rude and unpleasant to others, and point out their character flaws, their faults and their failings.
If they object, I simply reply that I was only joking, and tell them they have no sense of humour.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 14 Jan 2013, 9:50, 10 replies)

Lord Voldemort

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Mon 14 Jan 2013, 0:02, 7 replies)

I asked
"Would you tell me if I had bad breath?"

He replied, "Yes."

I said, "You've got bad breath"

Do unto others as they'd do unto you (Mahatma Gandhi, 1876-1984)
( Pope Shax XIII uses Visio for picture editing, does it show?, Sun 13 Jan 2013, 23:33, 1 reply)

Cad a dhéanfaimid feasta gan adhmad?
Tá deireadh na gcoillte ar lár;
níl trácht ar Chill Chais ná ar a teaghlach
is ní bainfear a cling go bráth.
An áit úd a gcónaíodh an deighbhean
fuair gradam is meidhir thar mhnáibh,
bhíodh iarlaí ag tarraingt tar toinn ann
is an t-aifreann binn á rá.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sun 13 Jan 2013, 22:04, 21 replies)

I made this joke about a shed on an internet humour forum and....

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 13 Jan 2013, 20:51, 10 replies)

Not me, but I wish it had been
A work colleague, an ex-copper from Nottingham, tends to say what he thinks.

He's on a train one day and the guy sitting next to him gets out a laptop and starts looking at photos.

These start as men in tight clothes.

And progress to men in fewer clothes.

And progress to naked men with other naked men.

My colleague whispers to the guy, "Excuse me, are you sure you should be looking at that on a crowded train?".

The guy ignores him.

My colleague announces, in a VERY LOUD voice, "Hey, this guy's looking at gay porn!" just as the carriage goes quiet.

Bloke closes laptop and disappears at next stop. Job done.
(rogerzilla, Sun 13 Jan 2013, 20:16, 4 replies)

I make a lot of inappropriate observations in public because of my Asperger's.
At least that's what my mum says.
(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Sat 12 Jan 2013, 20:58, 9 replies)

Red lorry
And of course, yellow lorry
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 12 Jan 2013, 19:07, Reply)