Not exactly school, but not far off

I finally made it to college to do a degree (Art & DT) when I was 29, married and with a school-aged child. Most of the others on the course were straight from school though and pretty clueless.

One guy in particular stood out for gormlessness - can't remember his real name, but everyone called him Rodney. At the end of our second year we all had to produce something in our various specialisms - mine was furniture design, so I made a chair - a beautiful thing of solid elm and wrought iron. Rodney's specialist subject was Product Design and he came up with a genius idea: he re-designed the wheel-barrow. Let's face it: the wheel-barrow has been around for centuries, carting loads of soil around building sites since the pyramids were built - surely Rodney could improve on such a blatently flawed design.

His idea: instead of having the wheel at the front of the barrow, he put it in the middle - i.e. where the handles met the barrow. The only real difference to a normal barrow being that you'd have to push down on the handles to wheel it along, rather than pull up. Genius.

Until he explained his design in a seminar and a couple of us old-timers pointed out that it would be impossible to get it off the ground if the contents weighed more than the operator. I helpfully suggested that perhaps a pair of heavy-duty divers' boots should be supplied with every barrow, to keep the poor sod pushing it on the ground.

Funnily enough, I think I saw something very similar in and 'Innovations' catalogue the other month...only £29.99. Bargain.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 15:25, 6 replies)

My major school project was attempting to stay away from the place for as long as possible before I got ordered to go back.
Fucking hated school.
( girlinthehole, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 15:25, 1 reply)

Gifted and Talented group
We had to make a fucking large cell demonstrating the organelles... out of CAKE.

What the fuck? Our teacher was fucking huge, too. Maybe they sat and ate it.
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 15:24, 3 replies)

We had to design and make a board game for English homework
I spent most of the weekend a few minutes making mine and as a finishing touch selotaped a die to the back of the game and wrote "DIE" in big letters which filled most of the available space and an arrow pointing to said die.

I got my work back a few days later only to find that my teacher had "corrected" my spelling and put a small red "c" between my "I" and my "E" making "DIcE".

"Is this a fucking English class or fucking what?" I muttered to myself.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 15:14, 5 replies)

Well she was asking for it...
I was a smart arse at school and if I'd spent as much time actually doing the work that was required as I did finding work arounds for doing as little as possible I probably would have made something more of myself. C'est la vie.

I digress, my class got a new art teacher in year 8 who took us to the Tate. We didn't go on many trips (t'was a 'naughty' school) and I could go into lots of stories about the fun that was had but I shall save them for another QOTW.
We were given the image challenge, sorry, homework of recreating something we'd seen at the gallery. We could paint it, sketch it, make a model-anything we wanted. So I did a collage. Of this:
www.tate.org.uk/adventcalendar/2007/artist11.do

As I said, she was asking for it, wasn't she?

Sorry about the link-first timer-doesn't know how to put pictures on yet!
(Soy milk supernova has nothing witty to add on, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 15:10, 2 replies)

The benfits of having a mum who was a teacher...
...were that I always good good marks for school projects as she came up with all the ideas for them and I cobbled them together. Highlights included:

- A project to make a boat involving an empty Sterident tube some candles, a sardine tin to make a little steam boat (the other kids were jealous I got to play with fire!). There was also another back up boat made using a wedge shaped block of wood with a lump of soap at the back (something to do with breaking the surface tension forcing it forwards). My boats came last and second last behind the ones whose dad's had strapped a battery and small electric motor to a lump of 2x4 and I was gutted and ungrateful.

- A project to think up an invention and draw it. My mum came up with the spider scooper which was a sort of version of the ho-de-de-de machine your nan's used to have, expressly designed for hoovering up spiders. The best bit was the teacher liked it so much I got to skip classes for a couple of days while I made a prototype with the caretaker.

- A project on owls which I swear the teacher only loved as I selotaped a plastic bag with an owl pellet in the back along with more tape with examples of shrew jawbones from the aformentioned pellet. Shrews must be tiny.

I'm not sure I appreciated it all at the time as she set me working in my room but in retrospect it was all great so thanks mum!
(bigjonnydynamite, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 15:06, 1 reply)

Irony
Part of my BTEC in Nursery Nursing (didn't complete it, realised I don't enjoy being around the little ankle biting crotchfruits about three months in) included an introduction to sociology.
Sociology tutor asked the class, including me and my mates (who were all mad as badgers and easily led) to present a project on what we believed to be the most important invention ever in the history of mankind.

We weren't exactly into this, wondering what the point of that was and how did it relate to changing the nappies of the little darlings we had been assigned of a friday afternoon - all kids of either couples that would put The Modern Parents from Viz to shame or multiple brats of harrassed single mums who saw us, quite rightly I guess, as a free babysitting service. So we didn't quite put as much effort into it as we might have, and basically cobbled it together the lunchtime before presentation day in the college canteen.

Presentation session arrives, and the other groups in the class are extoling the virtues of such gems as penicillin, the flushing toilet, and the wheel, when eventually it's our turn. I had been elected by our group to present (read: the other lasses realised that the tutor was maybe not going to be so impressed with our efforts and voted me the one to take the immediate flack), so I bring out our only prop - a packet of three condoms purchased from the machines in the ladies bogs.

I then proceed to tell the rest of the assembled baby minders, earth mother wannabes and possible pedos (I have my suspicions about a couple of them) that our group feels the condom is the most important invention in the history of mankind, giving a brief history of said cock sock and highlighting it's virtues and usefulness in preventing the spreads of AIDS. I fairly bigged that packet of Mates up, I can tell you - I was extremely lyrical (might have had something to do with the few vodka I'd had in the pub at lunchtime).
I finish with tale of how if many more people were to make use of them, the world would not be populated with unwanted children thus decreasing suffering and poverty. For some odd reason I felt compelled, as my finishing statement, to urge my classmates to always go equipped as "there are enough children in the world already."

The tutor never liked me after that, but it went down well with the rest of the class. I packed the course in shortly after. God only knows what possessed me to take it in the first place.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:59, Reply)

Aaaarrggghhh!!!
20th...
(Rumbling Bear rumbled on, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:43, Reply)

Road sign of terror
We had a design project to built some sort of unpowered flying machine, at the end of which we’d test them to see who’s flew the furthest. We had to work in pairs so my friend Pete and I spent weeks lovingly building an aeroplane/glider thing. With a wingspan of about 1m (big plank of foamex plastic) and a natty paintjob it was a thing of beauty. Unfortunately, due to the fact that it weighed a tone and we knew sod all about aerodynamics, it didn’t exactly fly well. On the day of the competition we panicked. Ran into the store cupboard, grabbed a bit of foamex, cut it into a triangle (for no reason) and then cut a triangle out of the middle (again, no particular reason) to make a weird triangular aerobie thing that you could fling like some sort of boomerang/give way sign. Not only did it win the competition by miles, it also turned out to be utterly lethal – embedding itself in the grass a good 6 inches. Within a couple of hours the entire class had made one each resulting in a sort of oversized ninja star fight which broke two windows and sent one boy to hospital with a very nasty gash on his arm.

I got a B
(Alphabet Soap boshboshboshbosh, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:43, Reply)

Technology Teacher Showdown
This is a long one - sorry....

I had a technology teacher at school who was an absolute cock. He took an instant dislike to me. In fact, he took an instant dislike to all the lads in the class.

This dashingly-moustachioed middle aged chap in his safety goggles and natty white coat was only interested in the attractive girls in the class, you see, who received lavish guidance and assistance in their projects, whilst he would occasionally just wander over to the table where me and my mates sat and tell us our projects were crap.

This was really frustrating to me, because being a bit of a spod, but not that great at technology, I wanted to do well and really needed quite a bit of guidance to do so. Against my principles, I decided to enlist my dad's help on my project.

My dad, you see, was not only a technology teacher, but also a massive enthusiast for anything which involved building stuff. Most of the furniture in the house when I was growing up was made by him. The porch was built by him. He is the sort of person who has a wall of tiny shelves in the garage, all arranged in exact order and meticulously labelled, so that he'll never be without the right sized screw. And he's not just some handyman-type - he was a GCSE examiner for technology, and had also had a brief apprenticeship in technical drawing when he was a lad. The man seriously considered a career designing ships....

Inevitably, invited to help out on my technology project (designing and making a bathroom organiser thing to keep your shower gels, soaps, etc. on in handy reach), he approached it like a man asked to facilitate a moon landing.

We went down the shops and purchased every variety of soap, shampoo, and shower gel, in order to take accurate weight and dimension measurements. We then designed a holder based on these dimensions, including shaping the holder in a manner which maximised the ease of removing items whilst ensuring they didn't drop out. We investigated the qualities of a selection of materials before settling on plastic as the most durable option, despite the fact that in order to make it my dad had to obtain access to a particular kind of industrial plastic and plastic moulding machine used by a bloke down the pub. Making it involved getting in the car on a Saturday and driving to a workshop on an industrial estate to use the machinery.

The coursework which accompanied the final product included detailed debriefs of every detail of the design, as well as explanatory notes on aspect such as methods of fixing to the wall, and the pros and cons of various plastic types. Not only was this all very detailed, it was checked off against the GCSE marking criteria in order to ensure it would be well-nigh impossible to award me anything less than an A*.

I submitted it. Waited for my results to come back, confident in the knowledge that even this cock-end couldn't possibly justify screwing me over this time. Eventually, the results came back....

D

My dad was, to put it mildly, fucking livid. He contacted the school and was promised the teacher would call back. Apparently, the conversation went something like this:

Dad: 'Hello, I'm Snowy's father, I'm puzzled as to how his technology project, which he spent an enormous amount of time on, only got a D?'

Teacher: 'Well, Mr Snowy, as I'm sure you'll understand, we're trying to work the children up towards their final GCSE projects, and GCSEs marks aren't awarded purely on effort but based on a strict criteria, which we're obliged to follow. I'm sorry that you feel that Snowy has worked so hard to no avail, but unfortunately, there were areas in which his project just didn't warrant higher marks, and it's only fair for me to give an accurate mark now so that he can improve in future and achieve a higher mark in his final project'

Dad: 'Oh, OK. Well, I have the Northern Examination and Assessment Board's GCSE marking criteria for technology projects (which I believe is the board you use) in front of me right now, and a copy of Snowy's project, including model, so would you mind talking me through exactly which of the criteria you felt it didn't fulfil?'

Teacher: 'Eh?'

Dad: 'Well, I think it's only fair...'

Teacher: 'You actually have the marking criteria?'

Dad: 'Yes - I do.'

Teacher: 'Erm.. tell you what, let me have a look over it again and see'

And so I got an A, which dad saw as at best a compromise, knowing full well it should have been an A*.

The irony of it all? When it did come to my final project, my Dad was too principled to help me and I was too principled to ask. and so I got... a D.

Still, it was worth it just to know that my Dad had put this pillock in his place.

And no apologies for length - there's a detailed rationale for it which my Dad will submit on request.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:37, 17 replies)

University is a lot like school...
"What've you done for the project then, Misc?"
"Project?"
"Yeah - the one about opposites. We've got to present it today."
"Christ!"

And so, with about five minutes before the tutor was due to arrive, I went hunting for some objects that I could present to illustrate the words "precarious" and "safe". You'd think a Product Design degree course would come up with more interesting projects than that, wouldn't you? So did I. Anyway, I rifled through the off-cuts bin in the workshop and made my way back to the presentation room. The first unlucky victim was already presenting his pieces - some horrendously complex metal sculptures, based around mathematical formulae that he'd spent all week meticulously bending into shape. I can't remember which opposites this was supposed to relate to. The tutor was critical to say the least. This worried me.

And so, came the time of my presentation. I stood up, balanced a cuboid of wood on the edge of the desk, looked the tutor in the eye and said "Precarious!". I picked it up again and set it in the middle of the desk... "Safe."

The tutor looked dismayed. What was I trying to pull here exactly? And so, I unleashed the biggest pile of last minute bullshit I'd ever thought up:

"The purpose of this piece is to demonstrate that the same object can illustrate both opposites. This simple block of wood for example can be either precarious or safe, depending on its context."

A wry grin appeared on the tutor's face.

"I have to admire your gall..." he uttered, before eventually awarding me the win for "thinking laterally".
(MiscellaneousFiles, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:30, Reply)

"We've already got one, it's very nice..."
My ex-fiancé had to make a scale model of a cathedral for the Medieval Churches and Castles unit as part of our archaeology degree. He based it entirely around Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and carefully fabricated a Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch chapel (with miniature hand grenade shrine), lots of little Fierce Rabbit gargoyles, and a scale-model shrubbery outside.

He got a 2:2.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:30, 7 replies)

I remember
making a very religious girl burst in to hysterical, disgusted tears in Tech class by telling her that PVA glue was made from pig semen. We were 14, and I wanted to see just how gullible she was.
...very. She then rushed out of class to pray for my soul. Not really a project, but I was *at* school.
(berk, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:28, Reply)

I must be able to think of something
I am a primary school teacher after all.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:18, 2 replies)

Contour maps
Year...9 or something. Had to make a 3d contour map model (built up layers, different colours etc)...sounded a bit pointless, so I just found my brother's one, made four years earlier, and handed that in instead. Got half a mark less, and that from the same teacher too! Talk about inconsistent marking.
( mr ginglymus has something in his pance, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:17, 1 reply)

I did a school project that got me lots of unexpected bonuses.
Trouble is I was 22 and did the kids project for them.

pearoast from my one ond only QOTW win

www.b3ta.com/questions/fakingit/
( Peej, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:10, Reply)

The eagerness of youth
In 4th grade history, studying early writing, eg. phoenicians and clay tablets, the egyptians and papyrus - you get the idea. So, being the 4th grader keen to please the teacher, my assignment was handed in on something that was supposed to resemble an egyptian scroll, ie. two short pieces of dowelling at either end of quality paper artfully charred around the edges. I can assure you my classmates were suitably impressed, if only 'cos I was allowed to play with fire unsupervised.
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:07, Reply)

I think my Primary School teachers may have known that I had little to do with my fruits of these projects
I don't think it was the fact that when the project was to make a bridge, mine was by far the sturdiest, as someone in the class has got to be best.

I don't think it was the fact that my Viking ship never had any chance of floating, I mean, children of that age aren't necessarily going to have the skills to know the physics behind how something floats, are they?

I don't even think it was the fact that my nativity costume was significantly more realistic than the majority of my peers.

No, I'm pretty sure those things alone wouldn't have been enough to arouse their suspicions. I'm fairly sure it was the fact that they were all made of aluminium and welded together that gave the game away. I mean, I couldn't even reach the top of the gas canister.
( ma0sm, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:06, 3 replies)

A chap at my school was doing a Design GCSE

He built what he described as a "design excercise in speed, an elegant and lighweight single person projectile to accelerate the pilot to high speed on a snow covered surface"

I would have called it a chair nailed to a door, a door with the handle still attached like somekind of rudimentary anchor that if the design study did ever move would cause it to turn in an alrmingly tight circle.

Still got a D though, standards these days etc
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 14:05, Reply)

mud
it was a pile of mud on paper, was some tribal ethinic thing but hey the teachers loved it
(bluehamster, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:53, Reply)

My school project
Getting on the first page
( le brian, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:47, Reply)

This is the best I have at short notice.
A primary school project on senses. We were told to collect together something for each sense.

So something bright, for sight, say.

Something nice and tactile for touch.

Something that made a sound, for hearing.

Something edible for taste.

I don’t think the teacher was expecting Chris to shit in a lunch box for smell though.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:44, Reply)

7th
7th!
(TwiddlyThumbs, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:44, Reply)

6th...
A for effort... F for content.
(Jester_, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:42, Reply)

3rd, oh i mean 'how juvenile'
i am a teacher.

More to follow
(OTT, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:41, Reply)

fudged at a GCSE level
In our last year of high school we had to do loads of coursework through out the year.

We all got our results back but one mate of mine got the grades F, U, D, G, E, D and in the order.
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:41, 9 replies)

3rd
3rd! I once professionally sculpted an aeroplane from ice cubes that had a fully working ejecter seat

I called it an ice-cool-pro-eject







sorry.
(Eggstrovert isnt patronising you...honest..., Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:40, 1 reply)

I once did a school project on how I was first for the QOTW
I failed.
(Vikingheadache, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:40, 1 reply)

First?
?

Wow. I was actually going to write in foodsex.

Now I have to think of something to make this worth while...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 13 Aug 2009, 13:40, Reply)