not-so-secret-santa....
Having bought a pleb boss at work a whip, and having but thirty seconds to get the damn thing wrapped I chucked it in an envelope and lobbed it on the pile of presents.

Walking away I remembered it was MY envelope and had an invoice addressed to me in it....shitbags
(narcolepsy, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 23:28, Reply)

Dance der Mussolini . . . . .
I'm still hoping they organise one at my work, as whoever I get is going to receive the 2001 Mussolini calendar that my friends bought for me outside Lazio's ground in 2000.
(garrison, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 21:25, Reply)

.....
Never done it :(
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 20:49, Reply)

Not-so-secret Dysfunctional Family Christmas
A friend of mine had a schizophrenic brother who spent rather a lot of time sitting around the house eating Cheerios whilst medicated. This raised the ire of his aunt, a former alcoholic.
The family, a large one, rationed presents by havinga gift-recipient lottery. The aunt and nephew drew each other. She, ever the wit, bought him two boxes of Cheerios - regular and honey nut.
Her smug pleasure at mocking his mental disability was short lived. With a giant grin, he handed her her own present - its shape and weight were a giveway. A bottle of wine.
Touche!
(TommyShanks, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 20:24, Reply)

Which one of you....
From another forum :
"Today was our Secret Santa day. I have organised every year for the last couple of years, not that that has anything to do with anything. But our rules were the usual, maximum £10 a gift, not racist, sexist, offensive gifts. One of the men here gave someone a golliwog, complete with hangman's noose. That's not right is it?

I know this gift was definitely meant to wind me up. I'm trying not to get wound, but I'm a bit pissed off and feel strangely upset about it. Am I being too sensitive?"

Which one of you was it?
(lofichic, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 18:35, Reply)

One year at school, the girl I got had a sticky-outie ear
Just one. The other one was fine.

I bought her a pair of huge joke ears and just gave the left one.

She never knew it was me...
(Peelmytangerines, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 18:31, Reply)

Too subtle
No secret - there's no Santa.

The bunch of knobs I work for organised for us plebs a free Christmas dinner - costing them £25 a skull - at one of the best eateries in town and next to nobody is going. They just can't take a hint.
(The Jannie, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 18:28, Reply)

Stealing X-mas
During the holiday season, my mates and me go about and steal each other gifts. We draw names out of a hat and we shoplift something for that person. My racking abilities are not really tip top, so the mate I drew this year will wind up with candy, a meat tenderiser, skelton gloves and a tie from Urban Outfitters, low cut socks, a pack of nails and your assorted office supplies.

Last year my secret santa gave me a J. Linberg (sp?) blazer. It's value is over $600.00 USD. I'm not much of a fashion buff, but this thing is absoloutely beautiful, "the 600 dollar blazer".
(The Horizontal Monster Mash Mr. T Pitties Me, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 17:15, Reply)

Our team in work tried Secret Santa.....
Faraj the Iraq immigrant didn't quite understand the concept though and gave our manager an AK-47 and two wives.

Seriously though, last year Faraj was blessed with a new child, and took 2 weeks off for leave. When he come back in, we'd all signed a congratulations card for him and gave him it in a meeting. He actually burst out crying in happiness as no-one in Iraq would batter an eye-lid to them if he worked there.
Sort of puts things into perspective a bit that does.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 17:08, Reply)

My Neighbour's Son....
...once presented his parents with a box containing Lion dung one Christmas morning.
Apparently his logic was this item of excretia would stop cats from going in their garden as they'd smell the droppings of a larger animal and peg it.
I just imagined their faces as he proferred a steaming feline turd, smelling offensively to a mother in her best frock and a father in his best Noel Edmonds sweater, neither knowing whether to accept it gracefully, or disown him there and then.
(LunarJim, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 15:20, Reply)

Bought a bottle of charddonay for my bitch of a boss
drank it, pissed into it, re-corked it, chilled it. It looked just like new!
(poonugget emptied his bowels at, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 14:06, Reply)

I excelled from the off
NOT. I've forgotten who it is am meant to buy for.

I'd love to give the people around me piles of valium...to get them to shut the fuck up so I can eat my lunch in peace.

Problem with that is that I work in a rehab.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Wed 20 Dec 2006, 13:53, Reply)

Filth
Last year I was given a Cliff Richard calendar. This was after I had spent many a painful hour discussing my hatred for the botoxed weirdo, so initially I was none too pleased. But when I started looking at it, it was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen.

This calendar features some of the most salacious filth ever printed. To give you some idea, this is the 2007 version. Eeeeeeeeeewwwwww!!!

There are pictures of the lovely Cliff on a cross trainer *shudder*, cooking, decorating a Christmas tree, shaving - actually shaving! I mean, WTF? And all this is done with exactly the same simpering smirk for every month.

As you read this, somewhere some menopausal housewife is flicking her bean over pictures of Cliff Richard on a cross trainer.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 9:58, Reply)

£5 limit
Very nice bag: £1.49.
Curling one off into it on last day at work: free, albeit slightly tricky not to hit the sides.
Leaving on boss' desk discreetly: Easy.
Remainder for pub: 2 pints. (It was Sheffield after all).
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 9:50, Reply)

secret santa... likes the liqour
There was a secret santa at a party I went to and the food was excellent. It was one of those chinese gift exchange where you can take someone elses gift or open a new one.

I brought a bottle of goldschlager and packaged with it the classic LP "Saturday Night Fever" double record set. Over half the gifts were liquor and I walked out with a Bacardi Limon gift set that came with on the rocks glasses. Result!
(armednuclearterrorist, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 5:07, Reply)

Amyl Nitrate

So I was at a Christmas part that was truly falling flat on its face in London, when Secret Santa is called and everyone sits back down and feigns interest. Jeff, a colleague who really didn´t give a fock, had bought the gay creative director some poppers (amyl nitrate to the uninitiated) as a laugh but literally *none* of the bosses had a clue what it was. The rest of the night was spent abusing it with my clean cut bosses, telling them that it was a an aid to help you digest dinner and was used by wine tasters to clear their pallettes between mouthfuls, but excessive use may cause slight disorientation. If that was true it would surely be the shittest secret santa ever.

Anyways, I´m in Columbia right now and I´ve got better things to do than this. Laters.
(davesnakes, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 5:06, Reply)

Secret Santa...
I just passed on 5 Bic lighters with 'twat' worded on each to a painful collegue who often steals mine.
(semtec, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 0:19, Reply)

A "Cleveland Steamer" anyone?
I've never even heard of a Secret Santa until now, and am most disappointed to discover what it actually is.

I was really excited, thinking it was some new act of depravity I had yet to try - kinda like a "Dizzy Gillespie", a "Red Eye Whistler" or my old favourite, a "Wolfbagging".

Dammit!
(Rsoles, Wed 20 Dec 2006, 0:18, Reply)

Scousers pt II
la swipe:

That reminds me of an old job I once had in the office of a haulage firm. We had this depot in Liverpool which was a seething hotspot of tribal warfare akin in 1990s Rwanda.

Not a week went by without more than the usual amount of "Eh? Eh? Eh?"s and "Calm down!"s being uttered, but during the run up to xmas two events occurred which caused particular mirth.

1) A scouse driver was called into the MDs office and reprimanded as he's apparently been witnessed masturbating in his cab by a very valuable client. The offending driver had just celebrated his sixty fourth birthday, so we briefly suggested congratulating him instead. There was no rush to shake hands with him however.

2) After a rather fraught round of wage calculations with a "little Billy" (the above character's son in law), regarding a council tax attachment of earnings I was obliged to recover from his wages "little Billy" popped into the office. He was six foot six and built like an outdoor scouse privvy. Thankfully he was in a festive mood and shook my hand rather than killed me.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 19 Dec 2006, 17:45, Reply)

scousers!
not secret santa exactly, but whilst the present giving was going on at my old estate agency's christmas dinner... we were in the posh restaurant by the albert dock which my boss owned. i was on one of the company tables. suddenly there was a horrendous racket at the other table, as about 18 men jumped on 1 bloke and began to beat him to a christmas coloured but otherwise very unseasonal pulp.

turned out they had all been introducing themselves as there was a mix of liverpool and manchester staff. when they got to this man, it was discovered he was just a pikey scouser who'd wandered in off the street for a free meal - turns out he'd been getting away with it most nights all christmas! only in liverpool...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 17:23, Reply)

The Greyhound
Brilliant mate! Me and my muckers do summat similar at the boozer on Christmas eve.

anyways, back to topic: I got Rich with the girly hair an alice band and a pink hair brush. I got a "Things we used to believe" book... yes, it is as shit as it sounds...
(The Splendid Oaf, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 17:12, Reply)

Secret Service Santa
I've just spent a week working for a Con-man who, rather than paying me the 2000 Euro he owes, has closed the office and "taken a job in Dubai" if you believe what the lying little bastard says.

I'm thinking of getting him a Christmas visit from these chaps....

www.moskau-inkasso.com/
( Stevedix http://www.stevedix.de/blog, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 16:13, Reply)

Similar to...
...This Post...

I once got a pack of pampers for secret santa. (very very long story, for another QOTW)

Little did I know that the twat who did it also signed me up for a free sample of said baby poo catchers, as a 'New Parent'.

Every 3 months, for the next three years, I got a sample of Pampers delivered.

TO MY FRIGGIN WORK ADDRESS which meant they were left on my desk.

For 3 FRIGGIN years.

Bastard.

And the best bit, every three months or whatever it is the size went up from newborn to toddler or whatever they do.

I mean, bloody nappies!

ffs

/rant
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:52, Reply)

used to work in woolies
I was 18 and slightly nieve, I was a trainee manager. Apart from my mate who I hired for saturday work the rest of the staff were women and one gay bloke. Therefore I got a constant barrage of teasing and sexual abuse from all, Secret santa comes round and one of the women managed to get my name, it turns out by swapping with the one who actually got it, she was 28 very nice, had been flirting heavily with me, and married to a local hardcase bouncer etc.. Xmas party in the staff room and she gives me my present in front of everyone. A pack of condoms. Oh how we all laughed that they could give me something so rude. Still I used them with her that weekend in the cellar of the pub while her husband was working on the door in the adjacent nightclub. I would say I'm sorry but it turns out he'd been knocking her about a bit and she left him shortly afterwards.
(b3tan senseless is slowly getting older, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:40, Reply)

Golden Balls
I have just received my secret santa gift, a set of golden boules from a woman in my office. She knows me too well.....
(Jimmy Large Is huffing Jenkem on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 14:38, Reply)