b3ta.com qotw
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Question of the Week » My sex misconceptions » Post 258930 | Search
This is a question My sex misconceptions

Freddy Woo writes, "aged eight, a boy from my class told me everything these was to know about sex: male prostitutes are called destitutes and women use tampons to stop men sticking their willies up them. Also, women pee out their bums, something I didn't realise was wrong until I was about 18 and my first girlfriend looked at me aghast."

Share everything - Uncle B3ta wants to know.

zero points for conception/misconception jokes

(, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:54)
Pages: Latest, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, ... 1

« Go Back

Babysitting lady seduction shenanigans
Teenage-PJM was a scant seventeen years old, over laden with hormones, hair gel, bell-endedness and concern as to the effect of excessive Onanism on the hirsuteness of his palms whilst being chronically under-endowed with brains, confidence and precious little lady related experience. I'd probably spent more time having injections than having sexual intercourse at this point.

I was at the time good friends with two sisters of my own age - Anna and Clara, the daughters of a local plod, who lived nearby in a street of houses reserved for serving police officers. Being the polite and clean cut teenager as I was, their parents welcomed me escorting their daughters out for age disqualified beery nights out in the local pub. These two girls were very close friends, so trusted in fact that I treated them with an almost sibling-like regard (stopping short of giving them Chinese burns and dead arms).

Sure enough, Anna - the elder of the pair confided one evening "I know someone who fancies you. But I can't tell you who they are. I promised them on my life that I wouldn’t" which was followed by some knowing winks and a hint of innuendo, followed by the vague suggestion that she’d “set us up” one evening without any warning. A fruitless round of guessing ensued, having gotten nowhere finding out the identity of the mystery woman, teenage-PJM fucks off home cross-eyed with stupidity and lust.

Next evening the phone rings. It's Anna. Her and Clara are babysitting for their next door neighbour this Friday, would I like to come round and help out with them again? They have MTV… Sure, why not.

Anna and Clara's next door neighbour; Lyndsey, was going through the throes of a messy divorce and not content with keeping the house, was off out that Friday night to get utterly shitfaced and humiliate her soon to be ex-husband by bringing home a random fella right under the noses of his colleagues who staffed the small Police Station, just yards away at the end of the street.

Sure enough, teenage-PJM finds himself sat on the sofa in between Anna and Clara, watching MTV as the kids stubbornly refused to make any sort of a nuisance of themselves, no doubt having seen teenage-PJM coming down the street.

"God" belmed teenage-PJM, "I wonder what sex is like when you're really old? Like thirty or something?”.

“That’s Lyndsey’s age!” blurted Clara.

Indeed. The awfulness of it. Imagine being say… Thirty-four years of age and still having sex? Oh the thought of it.

As the evening went on, we sat lower and lower in the sofa reaching for the glasses of wine and beer thoughtfully provided by Lyndsey.

In my alcohol fuddled state, I looked to my left and to my right. Anna was tall, slim and coolly attractive. Indeed, we'd drunkenly kissed one evening at a party a few months before, although it was mutually agreed afterward that "it had never happend". Her sister Clara was equally pretty, but possessed of a mischievous sense of humour. I must confessed that Clara once kissed me whilst under the influence. But again, we didn't speak a word of it. We talked, laughed and fooled around like the carefree teenagers we were. Clara’s eyes sparkled as we exchanged yet another filthy joke as Anna looked on with feigned indignation and sighed “God, you two are so disgusting”. Anna was looking admittedly quite radiant in the glow of the television, transfixed with Michael Jackson’s latest video featuring morphing faces and Macaulay Caulkin.

“Go on then Anna, who is this mystery woman you told me about?” I asked.

“I really can’t tell you! I promised” she replied, winking. Clara nudged me in the ribs and poked her tongue out at me, playfully.

It got later and I got drunker. The identity of my mystery admirer vexed me, as I explored the modest extent of my wits to figure out who she might be.

Who could she be… Who could she be…

With that, the front door opened and in walked an inebriated Lyndsey in the process of noisily bidding her female drinking partner goodnight as she tottered through the doorway in heels not designed to support a woman of thirty years vintage and under the influence.

“Hallo!” she breathed, swaying slightly as she stood in the lounge. “Don’t go home yet, we must have a drink and a chat first!”

I sat there in between the two girls, innocently.

“Oh, PJM I’ve got something for you!” said Lyndsey.

“Stay right there”. With that she ran up the stairs, risking life and ankles in those heels.


“Hold out your hand then!” she said as she reappeared in the lounge.

With that, I felt something small, flat and square, with sharp edges being placed in my palm. I couldn’t see because my view was blocked by Lyndsey’s face as she leaned forward and kissed me on the cheek as she whispered "I'm glad Anna and Clara organised this one, fancy coming upstairs when they go home?".

I looked down and saw that she’d placed a condom wrapper in my hand. I was shocked. I didn’t know what to do…

So I did the only thing that hormone laden, bell-ended teenage-PJM could do. I gathered up my wits, seized the moment…


…fucked off out of there as fast as my legs would carry me.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 19:55, 25 replies)
I may well be a newbie
but I've been lurking for a long time and your intelligent tales have never failed to amuse me.

This one is no exception.

I salute you.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 20:15, closed)
Aye, alright
I fucked Girls Aloud, all of them. Loads of times.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 20:16, closed)
You clearly haven't actually read my post
Go away.
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 10:25, closed)
Fucking hell, is it write the longest and most adjective-laden post ever competition or something?
You're shit.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 20:20, closed)
You should probably cunt off.
I don't mean to be rude either. But really - why not post something constructive?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 20:27, closed)
because THIS
is her most interesting story:

» Picky Eaters

Muffins and Ice Cream and Pringles

Is all my friend Claire will eat. Seriously, she never ever eats anything else. For Christmas dinner she has ice-cream, and a muffin, with pringles for dessert. I dont know how shes not dead.

Also, my dad wont have garlic ANYWHERE near him.He can smell it from fifty paces, and goes nuts if he suspects any of us of eating it.

(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 11:36, closed)
*high-fives rachelswipe*
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 12:43, closed)
*lows fives DG*
*chest bumps DG*

*bottom bumps DG*

*goes away happy*
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 13:09, closed)
Don't worry
when you're older and have learned to read, you'll appreciate literate posts.

*pats on pointed little head*
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 20:50, closed)
What you see before you is the doffing of my cap to the more mature response.
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 21:07, closed)
Sadly I suspect that the effort is wasted...
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 21:49, closed)
Is it me
Or is there a curent rise on the numbers of /talkers who are coming here to see what this QOTW buzz is all about, realise they don't understand whats going on due to the lack of abuse and posts that come in more than two lines with a complete lack of lolcat speak?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 21:09, closed)
It does seem that way.
Really not sure what the fascination is with coming to another board only to slag them off. I go to /talk now and then, but only to post in the conversations, not to tell them that they're shit. I don't get why this keeps happening over here...

Then again, idiots tend to point and laugh at things they don't understand. *shrug*
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 21:27, closed)
*points at TRL*

No, seriously, you are an enigma...
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 23:58, closed)
That is completely
unnacceptable in any situation. I know B3ta is all about fun and poor taste but that's just fucking out of order. Plus it's utter bollocks, he's totally white, I've met him.

Oh, you said an enigma didn't you.

(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 11:44, closed)
I didn't get whether it was
one of the sisters who fancied you, or the Mum?
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 20:23, closed)
Sorry if it wasn't clear, Ape
I've edited the post to explain things a little clearer...
(, Wed 1 Oct 2008, 22:09, closed)
lol great story
If it had been me I probably would have just turned beet red and been frozen
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 5:49, closed)
Was Lyndsey attractive? I've found that older women make for better shags, I reckon you should have gone for it.
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 10:32, closed)
I was bloody terrified!
Looking back, if older PJM could travel back over the years and swap places with younger PJM I'd still be bloody terrified.
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 10:35, closed)
While it's tempting to say with hindsight you should have stayed
if you had mentally forced your way past your fears, your state of terror would have made it hard for you to get it up.

I speak from personal experience here.
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 14:03, closed)
Put it this way, absolutely not for one second have I never regretted doing a Linford out the front door at the earliest opportunity!
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 14:12, closed)
That is fantastic, I also liked the honesty rather than the 'yeah, then we went upstairs and fucked like bunnies for hours and hours'

So a click from me!
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 10:35, closed)
I'd have died and thought I was in Heaven if that had been me at that age!

Click for a great tale, though I'm gutted it didn't finish how I wanted it to lol
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 11:57, closed)
ah, that most unusual of creatures ... an honest man.
(, Thu 2 Oct 2008, 13:50, closed)

« Go Back

Pages: Latest, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, ... 1