Jimmy was 97
And, as such, was quite frail and in a home. There, he had a girlfriend, Ada, who was also 97. Every night, they would hobble down to the television room, when everyone had gone to bed. Jimmy would wop his cock out, and Ada would hold it, as neither of them had the strength to do anything else.
One evening, Ada couldn't find Jimmy. She looked all around for him, very slowly, but could find no trace. She looked out of the window of the television room, tears in her sad, wrinkled old eyes, and she saw Jimmy, with FRANCES!!!
The next day, she confronted him.
"Jimmy" she said. "You're MY man. Look at Frances! She's 97 like me. She has white hair like me. She has to use a catheter like me. She can't walk properly, like me. What in Gods name has she got that I haven't?"
Jimmy looked up at her. "Parkinsons" he said.
(V3lvetPresley, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 10:11, Reply)

Little Johnny
Is sucking his Grandma's tit. A touch of white stuff spurted into his Mouth.

'Hey, Grandma' said little Johnny. 'Aren't you a little old to be producing milk?'

'Aw Johnny' said his doting Grandmother. 'That isn't milk, it's cancer'

I told this one, and I got punched in the face, very, very hard, as his GrandMother was recently decased. From Breast Cancer.
(V3lvetPresley, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 10:06, Reply)

What's the best thing about having sex with a three year old?
Hearing its hips crack.
(Xiang, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 9:34, Reply)

Little Jimmy wanted to impress his dad
so he went up to his pop and said "Father, can I do something for you?" His father proceeded to give him 10 pounds and said, "buy me ten pounds worth of what's what." He knew well that he was sending his son on a wild goose hunt, and he expected his son back in no time.

Jimmy walked down the street to the corner store and asked the cashier "hey, can I buy ten pounds worth of what's what?". The cashier knew Jimmy was on a wild goose hunt and decided to have a litle fun with it. So he tells lttle Jimmy to continue down the road until he comes to a house wiht a red light on inside the window, where he can buy all the what's what he needs. Jimmy, being only a small child, obediently follows the cashier's directions until low and behold, a house with a red light appeared. He raced up the steps and knocked on the door. When a naked woman answered the door, Jimmy knew not what he was looking at, and inquisitively asked, "What's that?". The woman said "what's what?" and Jimmy replied "I'll have ten pounds worth. It's for my dad".

Really dumb, but then again, someone might like it.

Classic sick joke:

What's more fun than nailing a dead baby to a tree?

Ripping it off.

- My boyfriend gets sick whenever I tell that one, he's even told it to his friends and they've gotten sick too. I guess I've just got a good stomach for these things.
(HaMM, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 6:08, Reply)

A few years out of date...
Paul McCartney tells his kids "I've got some bad news and some good news."

"The bad news is your mothers dead. But the good news is its sausages for tea tonight."
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 4:01, Reply)

What do you call...
..a Spanish woman with no legs?

Cuntswaylo.

..an asian gentleman in a bullet-proof vest?

P'ting (works better when drunk)

..an Ethiopian on a hunger strike?

An Ethiopian.

..an Ethiopian taking a dump?

A show-off
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 3:57, Reply)

Man staggers into hospital...
says to doctor "ARRRGH! I've been raped by an elephant!"

Doctor examines rapees bum hole and cries "You're right. But your arsehole is 10 inches wide, an elephants cocks is only 2 inches wide. How'd it get that big?"

"He fingered me first."

Insert humourous goatse related footnote here.
( P45 Sent by my Bosch 509e in the year 2000, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 3:51, Reply)

What's more Linda McCartney than Linda McCartney?
Linda McCartney's Linda McCartney!!!!
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 2:23, Reply)

okay
this one isn't as bad as the other ones but i thought it was kinda funny..

Johnny goes up to his mommy and asks her "Mommy, is there such things as male flies." His mommy replied "Why yes son, there are." Johnny took a moment then asked "Mommy is there such things as female flies?" Now thinking that Johnny was going to want the birds and the bees talk his mommy replied "No, Johnny." Johnny squashes two flies that were on top of one another and says "Fags"...
(DoubleMintBob, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 1:53, Reply)

A quickie
A paraplegic walks into a bar.

Wait a minute, no he doesn't...
(meatybrain, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 1:53, Reply)

A woman gives birth to the smartest baby ever.
The baby is able to talk. The next day his father visits them at the hospital.The father looks at the
baby and the baby pokes the man on the head. Then he says "Now you know how I felt!"
(ChiCken, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 1:23, Reply)

What's the Worst part
of having sex with a ten year old?



Getting the Blood out of the clown suit.

or

The look in their eyes when you tell them your going to have to kill them.
(Primeight, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 1:19, Reply)

Another Oldie
Whats green and eats balls?

Gonorrhea.

Subconcious note to self: These seemed really funny last night.
( Louse POKE 35899,0, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 0:58, Reply)

why is Helen Kellers Guide dog depressed
so would you be if you were called Mmmuunnnnnggggh

How many hands does Helen Keller use to masturbate?
one, she uses the other to moan

what is Helen Kellers favourite colour?
Corduroy!
(Monskervator the Monsk, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 0:57, Reply)

What do you do if a kitten spits at you?
Turn the grill down.
(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_(_ =o.o=, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 0:43, Reply)

Classic Oldie.
What's got two legs and bleeds ?

Half a dog.
( Louse POKE 35899,0, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 0:30, Reply)

Not seen any Policeman jokes !
Whats yellow and looks good on a policeman's head ?

A JCB
( Louse POKE 35899,0, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 0:23, Reply)

My 'mate' almost got chucked out of the army for this one...rightly so!
A man was sitting on the bus, and about five minutes into the journey, he felt a huge bump and heard a massive bang

"What was that?" he asked the driver

"Just a paki" the driver shrugged. Another five minutes goes by, and another bang and bump. The driver looks over his shoulder and explained he's just hit another. Just before the mans stop, he feels two huge bumps.

"Did you get two in one then?" the man askes. The driver turned 'round and said:

"Nah, just the one, but I had to mount the pavement to get the bastard!"
( owain2002, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 0:19, Reply)

Probably been done, but...
what's the definition of confused?

forty blind lesbians in a fish market.
(mister_charlie, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 0:08, Reply)

Have another..
Whats long, has a hole in one end and ends in 'ock'

a SOCK damn dirty bastards
(hairyfishbox, Sun 12 Sep 2004, 0:00, Reply)

My one
Whats the difference between a baby and a fridge?

A fridge dosnt scream when you put your meat in it.
(hairyfishbox, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 23:54, Reply)

dead baby jokes
Q: How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
A: Nail it's other foot to the ground.

Q: What's nastier than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
A: 1 dead baby nailed to ten trees.
(hazardbunny, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 23:50, Reply)

Apologies if they've been posted before
Topical not so long ago though not at the moment, but here goes:

Q) What does a Cuban do if he gets a flat tyre/tire?

A) Drowns

This one's always funny:

What do you do if an Irishman throws a firework at you?

Light it and throw it back.
(Lord of my Ring, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 23:29, Reply)

dodgy
3 prostitutes in a bar, first one says
"i've had so much sex i can stick my fist up my cunt"
second one says "thats nothing, i've had so much sex i can stick both fists up my cunt"
third one says "i beat both of you... i've had so much sex i..." and she slid 5 inches down th barstool
(cheese toothed toucan, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 22:41, Reply)

Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 22:38, Reply)

heres mine...
whats better than winning a gold a the paralympics?

not being disabled
(tapes_are_punk, Sat 11 Sep 2004, 22:29, Reply)

New twist on an old favourite...
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies with slashed cheese grater sgetting fucked by Gary Glitter and a Rolls Royce?

I've got a Rolls Royce in my garage, you fuckin' chav!
(The Mysterious ., Sat 11 Sep 2004, 21:58, Reply)