Okay...
What's white/red/blue, and wiggles?
A baby in a Tesco's bag.

What's red and doesn't?
The same baby three weeks later.
(Dooley, Mon 9 Jan 2006, 21:56, Reply)

WEVE GOT A WRONG'UN
Whats the difference between Acne and a Peodaphile?

Acne waits until puberty before it comes on your face.....

..no? sorry.
(klegnut, Mon 9 Jan 2006, 20:57, Reply)

scared my mind
On the subject of woodwork..

A: What type of file would you use to make a small hole a bit bigger?

Q: A peodaphile.
(klegnut, Mon 9 Jan 2006, 20:49, Reply)

Hmmm. Is it too early to talk about cocktails and dancing in Thailand?
Sex on the beach and then clubbing.
(Garnett, Mon 9 Jan 2006, 14:26, Reply)

I love this one.
What's pink and smells of Holly??
Ian Huntley's cock!!!
(gstewart3000, Mon 9 Jan 2006, 12:08, Reply)

Sickest magazine?
not a joke but something i read in one of the old QOTWs (about mother-in-laws):
'Kazza' wrote about a load of junk his MIL gives him and his description of 'yours' magazine had me and my brother in stitches:


Three copies of 'yours' magazine (knitting patterns, cake recipes, 'Doctors said lose your baby or your legs type stories)
(Just Harry What should I put here?, Mon 9 Jan 2006, 0:18, Reply)

Original methinks.
A Canadian couple, an English couple and a Texan couple are going to all get divorced. When the Canadian couple get divorced they say "Can we still be friends?"

When the British couple have done they say "Can we still be pals?"

When the Texam couple are finished they say "Can we still be siblings?"
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sun 8 Jan 2006, 19:19, Reply)

Total nerd... I assure you, it's purely genetic
Bill Gates dies and is escorted to Heaven's doorstep. God appears before him in a blaze of whatever deities appear before people in and says,
"Since you were such an influential person in life, I'll give you the choice to influence My judgment of you. Specifically, you get to choose whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."

Bill is, of course, a little taken aback, but like every good businessman wants to consider his options.
"Is there any way I can see a demo version of both before choosing?" he says.
"There certainly is," says God. "You can tour Heaven for a day, after which my colleague down below will show you around his realm for a day."

So, no sooner said than done; Bill Gates is escorted into Heaven and to be honest isn't entirely impressed with what he sees. Jesus runs Windows XP, all the angels are very friendly and everything is very neat and tidy, as is becoming of Paradise, but it lacks that extra spark. After the day has passed, Bill thanks God and departs for Hell.

Satan welcomes him and leads him through a magnificent palace; the souls of the damned are positively grovelling at his feet, everything is spectacularly constructed of the most precious materials, and everyone is connected to a multi-terabyte wireless network with only the best and most cutting-edge machines; his choice is easily made by the end of the day.

He returns to the Pearly Gates and informs God of his decision; God shrugs, pulls a lever and Gates is plunged into a pit of fire, brimstone, eternal pain and suffering and all that bad stuff. Satan appears before him and Bill cries out,
"I don't understand, what happened to the beautiful place I saw before?"

Satan smiles and says,
"Then, you were a visitor. Now, you're staff."

Shoot me now...
(CK is rocking out near you (cosmologically speaking), Sun 8 Jan 2006, 16:39, Reply)

Sorry
What's the difference between an illegal Turk and a bottle of suntan lotion?

An illegal Turk is someone from Turkish descent without legal residence documents and a bottle of suntan lotion is a bottle full of lotion that protects the skin from the sun's harmful rays.

I really didn't think it was that hard...

CK
(CK is rocking out near you (cosmologically speaking), Sun 8 Jan 2006, 16:18, Reply)

In a Liberal Democrat Report
Charles Kennedy was demanding more Teachers....

...and Jack Daniels, Bells....
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sun 8 Jan 2006, 1:03, Reply)

another diana story.............
what did diana and the queen mum have in common???

They both died pushing 105

So sorry house of windsor!!!!!!
(superyid100, Sat 7 Jan 2006, 14:35, Reply)

Suicide
An eskimo stabs himself with an icicle.

He died of cold cuts.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 18:15, Reply)

D'oh!
What did Ted Kennedy wear to Mary Jo Kopechne's funeral?

Seaweed
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 18:11, Reply)

Yes, Mrs. Lincoln,
but did you enjoy the play?
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 18:09, Reply)

So Mrs. Kennedy,
what did you think of the parade?
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 18:08, Reply)

Sorry, sorry...
Flashback to 1981...

What is Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable?

Jim Brady!
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 18:04, Reply)

Dangers of leaving work early
It was a man's anniversary, so he decides to sneak out of the factory early and surprise his wife. As he sneaks into his house, he looks in the bedroom and sees his boss in bed with his wife!

"Oh no!" he says as he high-tails it back to work. "I almost got caught leaving work early!"
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 18:02, Reply)

What's the difference?
What's the difference between the [insert school/college name here] women's track team and a tribe of super-intelligent pygmys?

One is a bunch of cunning runts.

I thought this joke was tops until I told it to a couple I'd recently met. I realized my error when he said to her "He didn't know."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 17:45, Reply)

Jesus and Moses
Jesus and Moses are fishing in a boat.

"Gee," says Moses, "I wonder if I can still do my old trick." So he reaches his staff out over the water, and "FOOM!" the water parts! "Yes, yes!" Moses shouts. "three thousand years later, I still got it!" and closes the water back up.

"I wonder if I can still do my old trick," Jesus wonders. He steps out over the side of the boat and promptly starts to sink like a stone!

Moses helps pull the coughing and sputtering Jesus back into the boat. "Wow, Jesus," Moses says, "I'm sorry you couldn't do your old trick."

"Well," Jesus replies, "last time I did it I didn't have holes in my feet."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 17:41, Reply)

Seen on a bumper sticker:
Your daddy should have rolled over and shot you out the window.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 17:32, Reply)

Prayer for sale
The CEO of Tyson Chicken goes to the Pope. "Your Holiness," he says, "Tyson Chicken will donate $1 million to the Vatican if you change the words in the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'."

"Absolutely not!" the Pope screams, "No way! That prayer was given to us by Jesus himself!"

"Okay," the CEO says, "how about $5 million?"

"Um," the Pope considers. "We could sure do a lot with $5 million, but nope, can't do it."

"Okay, $10 million."

"Done."

So the CEO hands over the cash, and the Pope calls the Cardinals together. "I got good news and bad news," he says. "Good news is, I just got a contribution for $10 million. Bad news is, we lost the WonderBread account."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 17:30, Reply)

young love
There is a couple deep kissing in the back of the cinema, the girl breaks away and says sorry i think i just swallowed your gum.
the young man replies na that wasn't gum, i was just clearing my throat!
( Lilith, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 10:11, Reply)

joke from the port arthur massacre
Right after the port arthur massacre - early 1990s, 35-dead shooting spree, in a quaint Tasmanian tourist town - I heard this joke:

My mum went to Port Arthur and all she brought back was this bloody T-shirt!

Very sick but I laughed my self stupid (not hard)

First post - pop!
(blu-k, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 4:14, Reply)

This jokes really crap...
But my friend told it with a very straight face.

Why did the black man get lynched?
Because he's a second class citizen.
(PAMPAMPAM, Fri 6 Jan 2006, 0:21, Reply)

rough or smooth
There's this drunk bloke looking for a hooker he can get a fuck off of. He's in luck as he comes across a lady of the night who offers him a bit of business. "How much is it?"

"Well if you want a rough shag its 30 quid, if you want a smooth one, its 50"

the bloke looks in his wallet and goes "go on I ain't exactly flush tonite, I'll have a rough one" so he pays up they do the business he shoots his loads and starts getting ready to leave

"Out of interest luv" the bloke says "If I'd wanted a smooth one, what would the difference have been?"

"Well... If you wanted a smooth one, I would have picked the scabs off first!"
(ruffdiamond, Thu 5 Jan 2006, 17:05, Reply)

Women tell the WORST jokes...
How does a hillbilly know his little sister's periods have started?
His dad's dick tastes funny!
(minimalist ..., Thu 5 Jan 2006, 15:50, Reply)

Surely this one is sickest
Whats the difference between menstral blood and sand

You can't gargle sand!
(oogami, Thu 5 Jan 2006, 12:34, Reply)

What's worse than Michael Jackson babysitting your kids?
Ian Huntley giving them a bath.
(lucifer_84, Wed 4 Jan 2006, 21:23, Reply)

It's okay, the dead horse can't feel it.
What's the diffrence between Historical Astronaut figure Neil Armstrong and Micheal Jackson?

Historical Astronaut figure Neil Arstrong Was the first man to walk on the moon...micheal jackson shags little boys in the arse.
(The Horizontal Monster Mash Mr. T Pitties Me, Wed 4 Jan 2006, 18:32, Reply)