not sick but mad as a box of frogs!
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is
absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if
Anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row
And shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz
chord .
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the
Blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a
difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz
chord, play a Jazz chord".
A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he
is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around
the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes
wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play
A jazz chord".
Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to
appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage
"OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the
Mike and starts to sing . " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."
(Lamby, Thu 12 Jan 2006, 17:22, Reply)

Spastics
What do spastics do at School? Assembly

What do spastics do in metalwork class? Make friends
(funkfish, Thu 12 Jan 2006, 13:47, Reply)

question
'what do you find in a lepraucons condom?'
fairy liquid
(babog, Thu 12 Jan 2006, 0:58, Reply)

piss poor
A father is walking his 6 year old son from school. The boy spots a used condom on the ground. He asks his father, 'what is that father?'. The father answers that its an eclair. The boy tries to pick it up but the father stops him before and tells him he'll get him an eclair when he gets home. However, they get home and the boy never gets an eclair. A few hours later...the boy comes into the kitchen and says 'Father, Father, I went back to get that eclair!'. Father says 'Fuck'. The boy continues 'its ok. i sold it to a man for 5 pence but not before i sucked the cream out of it'.
(babog, Thu 12 Jan 2006, 0:57, Reply)

again, heard in the pub
What do you throw a drowing Ethiopian?
His family.

Sorry
(thefatsnowman, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 21:09, Reply)

very strange
This was said to me, completely dead pan by a good friend of mine. Nearly made me cry.

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe
(thefatsnowman, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 21:03, Reply)

Heard this down the pub the other day.
What's black and blue, and hates sex?
A rape victim
(thefatsnowman, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 20:58, Reply)

another shocker
Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A:Nothing, you've told her twice already
(thefatsnowman, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 20:56, Reply)

just awful
Enlishman, Asian and a Australian walk into a bar, sit down and order a pint each.

The Asian finishes his pint, puts the glass down, pulls out a gun, and blows the glass to pieces. "we have so many glasses where i come from, we never need to drink out the same one twice."

The Australian finishes his pint, puts down the glass and pulls out a gun, and blows the glass away. "where i come from, we have got so much bloody sand to make new glasses with, we never need to drink out the same one twice"

The Englishman calmly finishes his pint, puts the glass down on the table. He draws his pistol, shoots his two drinking companions, smiles at the barman and says "we have so many fucking foreigners in this country, we don't need to drink with the same one twice"

terrible, i know.
(thefatsnowman, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 20:53, Reply)

First ever post :)
There is a woman at work, when a man walks up to her and says her hair smells nice. Straight away she walks over to an executive and says she wants to file a sexual harrasment issue. "What's wrong with someone saying your hair smells nice?" he asks. She replies "He's a midget"
(donkeysoup Was last seen on, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 18:16, Reply)

what's red and fluffy, sits in a tree and likes teh punetang?


down



down





down




...A sanitary owl.
(kx, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 14:50, Reply)

Seen on a T-Shirt
Jesus is coming! he's wanking through the hole in his hand!




One ticket to hell please
( Lilith, Wed 11 Jan 2006, 13:30, Reply)

Racism
What are three things a black person can't get?

A black eye, a fat lip and a job.

hell?
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Tue 10 Jan 2006, 21:57, Reply)

Irish
Paddy and Murphy are walking down the street one evening, when Paddy says 'Mind your step, Murphy. That looks like dogshit down there.'

Murphy says 'So it does. Let's have a closer look.' So they both bend down and look at the offending substance up close.'But we'd better make sure'. So they bend down further and have a good long sniff.

'It really smells like dogshit and everything,' says Paddy. 'Yes,' says Murphy, as he touches it, then licks his finger.'And it tastes just like it too.' Paddy does the same and says 'So it does. I think we can say it definitely is dogshit.' 'Without question!' Murphy agrees 'Lucky we didn't step in it'.
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Tue 10 Jan 2006, 21:55, Reply)

Lightbulbs
How many Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?

6. 1 to change the bulb and 5 to, like, share the experience.

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

100 - 1 to hold the bulb and 99 to turn the house.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's OK, I'll just sit here in the dark.
(Radio Free iPods "Fickt nicht mit dem Raketenmensch!", Tue 10 Jan 2006, 21:51, Reply)

Maids
An Irish Catholic girl moved to England to work as a hotel maid. One morning as she and another maid were cleaning a room, she was shocked when she saw a condom in the trash bin.

"What?" the other maid asked. "Haven't you ever had sex in England before?"

"Yes," the Irish girl replied, "but never so hard it took the skin off!"
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 21:34, Reply)

joke
whats blue and wriggles?

a baby in a plastic bag.


whats green and doesnt?

the same baby three weeks later.



whats blonde,has six legs and runs through michael jacksons dreams?

hanson.


what did the jewish peodophile say to the little boy in his car?

hey go easy on the sweets
(muggins im afraid dave.my mind is going, i can feel it, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 18:15, Reply)

Joke
what do you call a black man flying a plane?


a pilot you racist bastard!!
(muggins im afraid dave.my mind is going, i can feel it, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 18:13, Reply)

Real oldie but real goodie
A minister knew of an aging WWI pilot who had some amazing stories to tell about life in the air. So he invited him to tell his story on Sunday.

"So there I was," the old Ace began, "I came out of the clouds, and there were five of them fokkers right in front of me! So I shot one of them fokkers and he went down in flames! Then I chased the second fokker, and down that fokker went in flames too..."

The minister was starting to get embarassed, so he stepped up to the pulpit. "Uh. Ladies and gentlemen, the word he's using is 'Fokker,' F-o-k-k-e-r, which was a German airplane manufacturer during the war."

"Fokkers?" the old man quipped, "Hell no. Them fokkers were Halberstadts."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 15:16, Reply)

A young priest, a bishop and a cardinal...
A young priest, a bishop and a cardinal were in a train station trying to get to Pittsburgh.

The young priest goes to the window, and the ticket lady is quiet nice to the eyes, wearing a low-cut blouse with the top couple buttons undone. "Umm, ah," the priest stammers, "we want three pickets to Titsburgh."

The bishop grabs the priest and pushes him aside. "Young man, you need to control your earthly desires, or you have no business in the priesthood. I'll get the tickets."

The bishop goes to the window and says "We want three TICKETS to PITTSBURGH, and we want our change in nipples and dimes."

The cardinal grabs the bishop. "Now, I shouldn't have to give you the same lecture you gave the priest. I'll get the tickets."

"Okay," the cardinal says, "we want three TICKETS to PITTSBURGH, we want our change in NICKLES and dimes, and young lady, you better change your ways and not try to show off your blessings or when you die St. Finger is going to wave his peter at you."

Eww, that one hurt to tell it.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Seen on a bumper sticker...
Jesus loves you.
But everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 14:50, Reply)

More regionalism
What would have happened if the South had won the Civil War and annexed Missouri, Kentucky, Maryland and West Virginia?

It would have raised the IQ of both countries.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 14:46, Reply)

Wylie Coyote lives!
What does a Minnesota farmer do when an Iowa farmer throws a hand grenade at him?

Pulls out the pin and throws it back.

What does the Iowa farmer do then?

Catches the pin and watches the Minnesota farmer blow up.

Substitute your own petty regionalisms, there are plenty to go around!
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 14:43, Reply)

Dangers of power walking
A barber I knew used to sweep up all the hair clippings and burn them out back ofhis shop.

Two women were power walking down the street as some of the smoke blew across thier path.

"Smell that?" asked one, "smells like burning hair."

"Yes," said the other, "I think we'd better slow down."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 14:38, Reply)

Sick
Whats the best thing about shagging twenty five year olds?

Answer: There's twenty of them.
(Bearos, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 13:25, Reply)

oh yeah...
...just remembered a joke that my uncle told me in 1989, which I was too young to get at the time. in about 1995 I had the longest delayed laugh ever.


what's the difference between Everton fans and Liverpool fans?

Everton fans have blue shirts and red faces, Liverpool fans have red shirts and blue faces.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 12:54, Reply)

sure this one's already been done....sorry
paedophile and a kid are walking into the woods at night.

the kid turns to the paedophile and says "it's dark! I'm scared!".

the paedophile says "YOU'RE scared? I've got to walk back out on my own!"

yukyukyuk
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 12:42, Reply)

one I just made up
What did Gary Glitter say to the Scooby Doo gang?

"If it wasn't for you, I would've gotten away with meddling with these kids".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 2:00, Reply)

Okay, not so offensive. I still fucking hate emo kids.
What's the best part about an emo pizza?

It cuts itself.
(I bape rabies Let's go get Chick-fi-A!, Tue 10 Jan 2006, 0:14, Reply)

And -
What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?
Smack her across the face.
(Dooley, Mon 9 Jan 2006, 22:08, Reply)