when i was about 8 or so i "had a go" at treading on a rake to see if it would do what it always did in cartoons
turned out it does.
( ms morbo lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 14:57, 4 replies)

Quail
I once walked into a door on purpose to try to woo a girl. Amazingly this unique and quirky approach didn’t work. I ended up tugging one off on my own in bed with a lump on my head the size of a quail’s egg. I wanted Nanna to help but her hands are so cold*.


*because she’s dead
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 14:53, Reply)

Childhood! Picnics! Gangrene! A username that doesn't have a non-rapey childhood version!
To set our scene, I have an older sister who didn't like me much when we were tiny. Two years my senior, I caught her up size-wise by the time I was three. (I am a giant of a person)

~~~ Wavy lines! ~~~

We're on a family holiday in Cornwall and my newfound size means me and my sister can play fun new games. Or so she convinces me... We're at a picnic site with those wooden tables and a concreted ground. The sister tells me to get up on the table, roll off the end and she'll catch me. Being three, I wasn't familiar with the inherent risk whenever anyone tells you to go first.

Up I clamber, lie down and see my sister waiting with her arms out like a rugby player waiting to catch that ball that's nearly going into touch. I begin my roll of destiny, she has second thoughts as an overgrown toddler who weighs as much as she does is about to drop onto her from three feet up. I roll faster; she stands her ground like a proper big sister looking out for her young sibling. I pirouette gracefully off the edge of the table, and my sister imitates the rugby player who sees the ball is ACTUALLY going into touch by flinging her arms out of the way and taking a step back.

Little ESP* has tucked in his arms to facilitate catching the twirly sausage roll that is he. He lands face first on the concrete, blacks out. Blood oozes. Parents finally notice what's happening behind their backs as sister screams. Regaining consciousness, little ESP begins to bawl as blood is EVERYWHERE, and there's a mangled mess where half his forehead skin used to be. Said mess turns virulently green in the next few weeks and little ESP has to endure pills on top of pus oozing from his face. (All this had been subsequently told to me due to memory loss, hence the disjointed third person.)

It's amazing how well infected head wounds heal when you're small. All I've got is a little bump in the bone and a snazzy little scar right by my hairline.

*I would refer to myself as ElectricSexNappy but that sounds a bit wrong
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 14:42, 2 replies)

Harry Potter...
As humans we have several little quirky traits that we all share. One of these is the repeated motion: you know when someone reaches up to touch a leaf on a tree and you think, hey I wonder if I can do that?

At school I took this to extreme once. Walking down a corridor, one guys touches a panel above a door frame, so the guy after him does the same (and repeat). I was a fair few paces behind, so I figured a run and jump would make it more impressive. Big mistake. I miss timed the jump and headbutted the architrave, splitting my forehead open and knocking myself out.

Due to my glasses, floppy hair and now scarred forehead, I earned the obvious nickname for the rest of my school career.
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 14:32, 2 replies)

When I was 5
My sister was 2. My parents put a stair gate across the top of the stairs to stop her falling down. I used to stand on the gate press the release catch and swing out above the stairs. My parents always warned me not to do this but I was 5 and knew better.

One day whilst swinging out I felt that small jolt that something makes just before it totally gives way. The gate tore from the wall and I rolled head over heals down the stairs becoming one with the stair gate. A human stair gate hybrid. As I lay groaning at the bottom of the stairs, my limbs twisted through the bars, my mother came running over. I shall always remember the words of her best friend Debra as I lay there in tears.

"Crack him Melodie!" she snapped. And she did.

Did I learn for this experience? Yes I did in fact. My daughters stair gate opens back on to the landing and not forwards over the stairs. This isn't for her safety, it's in case I get drunk and try it again.
( Peej, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 14:05, 1 reply)

Saved your life.
We were hanging out on a wall as teenagers do: smoking and talking about birds and stuff. We were cool, the coolest of cool, as we sat there just shooting the breeze without a care in the world.

"Saved your life." claimed Jim as he swept his arm across Nigel's chest.

"AAAAAaaaaaaaaaah." [thud] "cunt." replied Nigel, suddenly 6 feet below us.

How we laughed.
( Moey, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 13:47, Reply)

Yes this really happened
Long time lurker, first time poster....

I live in a third floor flat, which means no balcony and certainly no back garden to speak of. Fortunately though, just outside my bathroom window there is a large(ish) flat roof which is a nice little sun trap in the summer months. Climb in bath, open window, hoik yourself up a few feet and out, job done.

One day several years ago I decided on a lovely sunny Saturday morning to go out there to have a bit of a toke and a light snack. After finishing my banana I threw the skin in through the window back into the bathroom trying to hit the bin. Anyways, about an hour later with my head feeling like a helium balloon I decide it's time to find some chocolate. As you do.

I lowered myself back into the bath but the wind blew the window in at that exact moment, just catching me enough to wrong foot me in the tub so I lost my balance. This wouldn't have been so bad, I'm fairly light on my feet, so I neatly hop out of the bath.... and onto the banana skin I had tossed there previously. I skidded on this, the most slapstick of all of the fruits and crash down between the bath and the loo, breaking the toilet seat (in half!) with my chest. Laid there for half an hour wondering if I was dead or alive, it hurt that much. Broken ribs for next 6 weeks...
( DeadEyeDick, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 13:36, 3 replies)

deliberate slapstick
my best mate at school was deaf in his right ear and we, his friends were bastards.
we'd all walk on his right side and talk quietly, causing him to turn his left ear towards us and subsequently not look where he was going. some gentle steering on our part caused him to endlessly walk into trees, lamp posts, people etc.
good times.
(Redbull_(UK) pfffft, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 13:28, 1 reply)

Not a prat fall but slapstick
I used to paint Warhammer figures, when I was still living with my mum.

To start off with I'd give them a good undercoat with a spray can with the figure in a shoe box.

One day when I wanted to undercoat the latest acquisition of Eldar the can seemed to be blocked. I took the nozzle off soaked it in some solvent brushed it with toothbrush. Still no undercoat, the can was fairly new so I wasn't gonna be beaten

I looked at the can itself and I could see a blockage in the plastic nozzle sticking up from the can (you know the one) I got I big needle and started to pick at he blockage peering closely down the hole.

Suddenly pffffffft... face full of undercoat. I dropped the can in shock but it was still spraying undercoat. I grabbed it put my hand over the nozzle. Reason had long since left me because I decided the best course of action was to chuck it out the window. So I opened my window and flung out the can.

I had painted my face, the bed, the carpet, a window sill, an upstairs window, a path, some lawn & downstairs window. All in a lovely matt grey that would really take & show up the colours of acrylic paint. Additionally I had a secured me never painting in my room again and a new part time job as a paint scraper
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 13:20, 5 replies)

the best boyfriend i ever had...
well i must have been about 14. I had somehow got myself " pulled" by one of the bigger boys from the grammar school over the road. He was in the 6th form and even had a scooter ( this was back in the late 80s so it was kinda cool back then ) He was one of the trendy cool kids that all us girls used to get frothy over. He invited me over to his place, as his parents ( rich bastards ) had gone skiing and left him and his big sister home alone all weekend! This excited me no end.. not only was he gorgeous and clever and rich...he also would have a house full of booze fags and other exciting to a 14yr old girl type stuff. So i got the train to Barnehurst in my nicest pink mini-dress and those gross white knee high canvas boots we all wore back then. He met me at the station and walked me to his massive house. His sister was in unfortunately (i thought ) as i was right up for being a proper dorty little slapper having pulled such a stud who was bound to dump me soon enough.

So.. there we are, in his bedroom while his sister was in the living room playing loud music and having a one girl disco on her own. He suggested i go get a can of coke from the kitchen, so i did. Thru the living room, thru the french doors dividing the room and into the kitchen. As i came back holding this can of coke something stopped me. Really hard in the knee. WTF i thought to myself as glass crumbled all around me and it all became too clear what had actually stopped me. Some idiot ( his sister to be exact ) had shut the french doors. They were big glassy ones.. massive panes of glass..the type that look invisible.. and had no business dividing anyones living room. The noise they made too!!! I blinked twice wondering if i was bleeding profusely from anywhere to save my shame. His sister is screaming " oh my god, oh my fucking god.. shit shit shit..darryl ( for that was the uber studs name ) darryl..shit shit..come here" Darryl did. ( strangely not laughing whatsoever either ) I had completely trashed both doors, glass everywhere and unfortunately the only damage done to my personage was one 3 millimeter cut-let just above my knee. As they both started to cry and discuss how much it would cost them to repair the doors before ma n pa returned from holiday.. i decided to leave. Nobody offered me a plaster for my tiny tiny cut.. pair of bastards! I could have died horribly in a head severed leg off pool of innards blood and white knee boots! Selfish selfish rich kids!

Needless to say i never did hear from him again.. and no.. i didnt get a shag either.

Makes me laugh whenever i remember it tho.
(a girl called harry, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 13:06, 5 replies)

Headless man in the road!
FOAF drunkenly fell down a hole in the road, dragging the barriers with him and breaking a leg.

He heaved himself to the edge of the hole and shouted for help. His equally drunken mates, seeing just his head apparently lying in the road talking to them, screamed and ran off, leaving poor FOAF stuck in the hole until he was found a couple of hours later by a bloke on his way to work.

Should have just put a cone on his head like everyone else.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 13:06, Reply)

My Wife...
we were out on holiday once and we were driving to a colder part of the country.
Mrs BG winds down the electric window with her left hand, sticks her right hand out the windo to see how cold it is and then presses the button to wind it up with the right hand...

while her hand is still outside. I still tease her about it but get nervous every time she opens the car window.
(Bluffboy South Africa! World Champions!!!, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 13:02, Reply)

My mate's moment of slapstick comedy
Last summer my mate was out walking to another friends place.

On his way he found himself traveling along a road with the sun shining brightly in his eyes, so bright he had to use his hand to shade his eyes so he could see where he was going.

Up ahead he noticed someone staggering along with their hand pressed to their forehead.

He started thinking: "I wonder why that person has their hand on their.." THUMP!! "Ow! What the fcuk?"

He'd just discovered the reason why the person in front was holding their head by becoming a victim as well. A ladder strapped to a parked van had been left at an angle so it was arcing over the pavement at head height.

I wonder how many people got caught by it that day....
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:45, Reply)

On holiday in Kenya
I was about 10, watching a little boy of about 6 running around the hotel restaurant. He saw his parents outside... rushed to greet them... and ran straight through a plate glass window. Apparently he was horribly injured, but it was fucking funny at the time.
(D1sc0 Yes sir, I can boogie., Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:41, Reply)

Falling in the fire
This seems to be a bit of a Glastonbury tradition amongst my friends. One year we were all sitting around a lovely campfire (lots and lots of glowing embers, throwing out a lot of heat) when my friend A stood up, teetered a little uncertainly, and fell straight into the fire. Quick as a flash, I jumped up and pulled her off it, made sure she was okay (she was), brushed off any ash or embers and she went to her tent for a much-deserved lie down.

The next year A didn't come with us, but her memory lingered as we sat around the campfire and I told the story outlined above. Immediately afterwards, my other friend J (who could probably fill this QOTW by himself) got unsteadily to his feet, teetered, and fell face down into the fire. This time I was laughing so hard I couldn't actually get up to help him.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:37, Reply)

KAPOW!
When I was 5 I accidentally set fire to the carpet in the living room. I ran out into the back garden to tell my parents, who were playing swingball at the time. As I waddled out, arms waving, my father was in the middle of a backswing and cracked me right in the middle of the forehead. I went flying. Went unconscious. And the carpet was still on fire. KAPOW!
( mrlogic is copying your beard, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:25, Reply)

Wish I could have seen this from the outside.
1983. Paper round, it's dark and pissing down so I'm wearing my snorkel parka. I've finished, so I'm bombing back to the shop to drop my bag off so I can go home. Bombing like Lance Armstrong, legs pumping, head down. Schoolboy error.

There's a moment of disorientation, then I can feel the rain on my face. I'm lying face up on the roof of a car. A parked car. Into which I've just cycled, at full speed. I must have somersaulted the handlebars and landed on the roof.

Took a good heave to get my bike out of the radiator grille where it had embedded itself. I was unhurt, but I wish to this day someone had got it on video.
(SonofRojBlake, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:20, Reply)

I once
actually managed to walk into a door. Until then I’d always thought such a thing only happened to battered women.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:16, 2 replies)

Cinema queue
Odeon Coventry: two ticket desks on opposite sides of the lobby. Half a dozen morons queuing at the desk on the left, oblivious to the entirely queue-free desk opposite. I'm feeling pretty pleased with myself for noticing, as I saunter towards the other side of the lobby and and jauntily hop over the velvet rope queue-guide.

That was the plan.

As it was, my first foot didn't make it over the rope, it just lifted it so that when my second foot came up, it met the first coming back down, and wrapped itself in the rope. I had my hands in my pockets. I went down like a sack of shit.

Who's a moron now?... was what the people in the queue would have been thinking if a single one of them had noticed. Dolts.
(SonofRojBlake, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:16, 5 replies)

10th Birthday, me & my younger brother are picked up from school by mum.
Now, she's walking a bunch of kids home, as we live furthest away. But suddenly I realise that we've past the first of my friend's houses, and they haven't gone in.
'Surprise! We're having a bit of a party!' declares my mum. I spin round and punch the air 'BRILLIANT!'. I spin back round to face the way I'm walking, and hit a lamp post.

I spent the rest of my party with a bag of ice over my eye, the rest of the week with a black eye, and to this day my eyebrow is a lot thinner on one side.
( Kung_Fu_Russ ran out of amusing signatures on, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:14, Reply)

Dumb Prick + Packing Tape = Bollocks...
Whilst working ( and occasianally stealing ) at a shop a few years ( read : 20 ) back i was making my way out of the rear entrance ( no giggling at the back please )with a very nice Walkman ( well before MP3 you know, much better sound quality....like whatever ), peddaling like fury down a cobbled road i notice a small picece of packing tape on my front fork... being "on the lamb" i couldn't be arsed to stop so i tries to push it off with my tippytoe...Darkness enveloped my fragile frame, i come round to see about 40 employees of a rather large department store ( outside smoking , company policy you know...cunts ) standing at the warehouse doors laughing like hyenas on whizz....my adonis of a body looking fucked...2 broken wrists and 4 broken toes, split nose, split lip and 2 teeth missing...howls of pain only made these bastards laugh louder... and to cap it all the meat wagon turned up and those fuckers joined in the laughter...cunts

Still... they closed the department store last year and evryone ,lost their jobs... long awaited Karma i welcome thee with open arms....
(phils1969, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:09, Reply)

Simple
A female friend of mine was bending over and looking at some jewellery in a window display.

A little nudge from behind and her head hit the window with a very satisfying "thunk".
(Cylon Bum Raider already knows how this will end, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:03, 3 replies)

Mate of mine
Came home to find his brother sparked out at the bottom of the stairs. Brought him round and asked him what had happened. Brother denied all memory, stating that he must have fallen down the stairs.

Eventually he confessed that the doorbell had rung and in his haste to answer it he had jumped from the top step, cracked his head on the over hanging ceiling and knocked himself out.

He was 19.
(Cylon Bum Raider already knows how this will end, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 12:00, 1 reply)

Simple ones are the best
OK, not me, but ones I have seen:

1) Co-worker bending over to read a notice on the wall, and proceeded to get his tie caught in an auto-start paper shredder. Potentially lethal, but I could not help him as I was paralysed with laughter. I never wore a tie to work after that!

2) Three people walking along a narrow path in a tight 2-1 formation. Leading two walk either side of groin-high bollard, which trailing bloke does not see until too late. Again, paroxysms of laughter - more so as the guy doubled up on the ground crying was 6 foot plus, tough-as-nails Islander

3) Female friend (slightly toasted) trying to walk through a closed glass door onto a patio so hard that she bounced back 2 feet & landed flat on her bum. Laughed so hard I snorted most of my beer (not nice). She was well endowed, so I think her fun bags made the initial impact rather than her nose.
(Barry Dangerous, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 11:57, Reply)

Once...
whilst applying make-up at the mirror in the hall, I felt a sneeze coming on. Since my hands weren't free to cover my mouth/nose and I didn't want to spray all over the mirror I turned around as I sneezed quite violently.

Had a lovely black eye for weeks after managing to twat myself in the face with the handle of the upright vacuum cleaner which of course was directly behind me.
(Freakmandu, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 11:49, Reply)

The missus and I
went for a little drink in a country pub.

Then another.

And then another.

Suitably pissed up on cider, we started to merrily make our way back up the country lanes to her house.

She decided she was tired and deserved a piggy-back. Being a gentleman, I obliged. The cider had other plans. As I hoisted her up, I over balanced like I was in a You've Been Framed video. We tottered to the left ... and then to the right ... and then to the left again and then we fell backwards into a large ditch next to the road. As I landed on her, I headbutted her in the face.

Being drunken fools, we couldn't get out because we were laughing so much. The laughter caused me to do a little cider fart, which was actually a little cider poo.

A cow in a field opposite watched me with bovine disdain as I hid in the hedgerow and wiped my bum with a receipt, giggling to myself all the while.
(Cylon Bum Raider already knows how this will end, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 11:48, 7 replies)

'I'm not waiting in that...'
Five years ago, I was standing in the queue for the toilets during the Edinburgh Festival. It was nearly sunset and the line to get in to the 'Portakabin'-style temporary toilets in George Square Gardens was quite long, but it was moving fast. A bloke from the back of the queue shouted, 'I'm not waiting in that', and he strode purposefully off towards the back of the Portakabin - no doubt with the intention of relieving himself there. Unfortunately, in the dimming light and in his slightly inebriated state, he didn't see the tautly-pulled, shin-height guy-rope and he went straight down. He didn't even have time to put his hands out to break his fall - it was vertical to horizontal in the blink of an eye.

Now, it was immediately obvious that many other festival-goers had decided to relieve themselves at the back of the Portakabin earlier that night, although most had probably seen the guy-rope in the better light. What had formed over the course of the evening truly was a bog - a toxic mixture of earth, cigarette butts and gallons of lagery pish. And he was covered in it, head to toe in a foul, black slime. He got up and just stood there with his hands by his sides.
( ThisCaledonianClown has left it far too late, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 11:33, Reply)

Another Old But Good Video
Chavs And A Roundabout.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrZFeOpJB-0
(caescarna Hell's Roomba, Fri 22 Jan 2010, 11:28, 4 replies)

GTi! Mercedes! Towrope! Kerboing!
I have a history of rubbish cars. I like cars from the early 90s - I love old hot hatches, coupes, and if it has pop-up headlamps I'm sold!

As such, breakdown cover is a must.

I discovered this when my old Corolla broke down. I was visiting my folks in the back of beyond and my car just died. I had no cover, so I called my Dad and asked for help. He had just paid cash for a brand new CLK and welcomed any chance to drive it so he was there in a shot. I gave him my towrope, which happened to be elasticated, attached my bumper to his towbar, and off we went!

We got most of the way without incident until, at one set of lights, after applying my handbrake, I got carried away with the music and didn't notice my Dad set off. There was the sound of rending metal swiftly followed by a crunch sound.

I hopped out of the car and saw my bumper on the front of the Merc. I also saw a remarkably calm father, considering.

My bumper had given way under the pressure of the Merc setting off, rebounded (owing to the elasticated towrope) straight over the top of the Merc and into it's windscreen.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Fri 22 Jan 2010, 11:09, 1 reply)