I don't like summer; never have, never will
The idea of paying money, my money, money I worked hard for, to some fake-tanned slapper in a travel agency who's probably called Joy and who is having an affair, for the privilege of wasting two days in departure lounges, cramped buses and extortionate taxis in order to get to a place where the water feels wrong, the food is Russian roulette for the digestive tract, and all there is to do is plod and trudge around sights under the incessant glare of a too-hot sun - that's just fucking wrong. What muppet dreamt that shit up? What foul incredible genius managed to convince the world that holidays, summer holidays, are something we should enjoy, we should demand, we should fucking pay for out of our own pockets?

I see it like the naughty dog having its nose rubbed in its own shit. "You see this developing nation, you dirty Westerner? You see how they oppress their women and don't understand hygiene or paying tax to support critical infrastructure? This is where you'd be, unshaven and splattered with the faeces of three different species, if we hadn't raised you up and made you do some decent work. We give you the time off and the free cash to spend so that you can travel to these piss-stinking arseholes of so-called civilisation, so that you can come back home and appreciate what you've got." Summer holidays are like some bastardised moral lesson for idiot adults, which hasn't worked. Much like the dog returns to his own shit to scoff down a faceful, so too do the mindless Iceland-burger-eating Ingerlanders, with their chubby kids in tow, enjoy the session of dicking around the coast of a failed economy, slurping up grease and alcohol while developing skin cancer. The whole thing is utterly incomprehensible.

And if I were a mod, I wouldn't drag this question out for a whole fucking month either.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 8:29, 52 replies)

well arent you a positive soul
I like the sunshine, and the heat. I like swimming in the sea and snorkling without fear i might catch pneumonia. I like drinking foriegn lagers, and inspecting towns and finding nice places to eat. I like water parks. I like the idea of interacting with strangers and having a laugh.

None of the above (maybe apart from the lagers) can you do in the UK. Dont get me wrong, a holiday in the UK is splendid. But flying somewhere that isnt the UK is special. If i could - I would travel further than the Med like im doing this year. But that costs more money. I like to spend my money on experiences with my wife/family. Staying at home and writing things like the above like youve done seems utterly miserable.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 9:53, closed)

Thanks to its extensive immigration and imperial imports, Britain has got some of the most diverse cuisine in Europe
It's got 9000km of beaches, with the most number of blue flag awards of any European nation. It's got a million types of beer, millennia of cultural places to see (which haven't been ransacked, plundered, looted or bombed to shit by constant wars), and the chats you have with the strangers are genuine; not a bunch of fake smiles as the local tries to con you out of your hard-earned for some cheap tat marketed as a souvenir.

Really, this idea of summer travel, especially around the Med, is a shallow excuse of an experience to make plebs feel like there's something in their life beyond Sky subscriptions and Asda deals.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 10:10, closed)

Yeah, but the skin cancer you get on the beaches here ain't right.
Not like that proper, healthy skin cancer you get on the continent.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 10:14, closed)

youtu.be/Ps2WwRjvQkY?t=26s
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 10:21, closed)

You live in Poland, you miserable sack of guffs.

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 11:33, closed)

And you own property in France, so I clearly win

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 12:40, closed)

I just had a lovely swim in the lake.
Just me and the obligatory 80 year old frenchman doing incredibly slow backstroke up and down all day.
(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 12:43, closed)

My girlfriend's doing that at her lake
which doesn't have a Frenchman in it, so is therefore better.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 12:54, closed)

I assume her massive slavic beak will break the year-round ice.

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 13:29, closed)

Haha, yes, because it's the Poles who are famous for big noses
Not the French, oh no, not at all. I'm surprised your wife doesn't rent out her nostrils as wind tunnels.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 13:32, closed)

Nose? I'm talking about the whole slavic skull: receding brow, mongoloid cheeks, chimp-like muzzle.

(Go Man River everybody loves anal, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 20:16, closed)

I live in the north west
so apart from a few beaches in Wales, the coast line isnt a sea i would like to swim in, not because its dirty, but because its essentially one big estuary. The water runs brown (and healthy mind) but nothing to get me excited enough to take a dip.

Also - its very cold where i live. Infact apart from early July when we had the heat wave ive had to wear a jacket/jumper most days. Thats not fun when you like to spend alot of time outside like i do.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 16:07, closed)

fp this now

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 10:00, closed)

Well if you go to Benidrom that's what you get.. Maybe you should try somewhere a little more upmarket?
I like to go away on holiday because I live in Scotland and the summer weather in Scotland is almost as shit as the winter weather - only the rain is slightly more tepid.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 4 Aug 2015, 10:18, closed)

^^ Has a caravan at Skegness.

( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 4 Aug 2015, 10:55, closed)

I do the family holiday thing in the UK as the GF won't go in an aeroplane*
I've found some great places to stay, beautiful countryside, lovely food etc in the UK. Can't knock it**.
I also do a long-haul by myself every now and again. Sometimes with a purpose*** sometimes just because I fancy having a look at somewhere. YMMV

*Utterly irrational fear fuelled by the fucking media - far safer than driving and she doesn't think twice about jumping in the car ffs
**However, accommodation prices in the UK are a fucking joke during school holidays.
***Last one was to South Africa for youngest daughter's wedding. I'll go back there just for a mooch around.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 11:42, closed)

Show her the film 'Alive': she'll come round when she sees how survivable plane crashes can actually be.

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 11:59, closed)

I've flown in an Antonov-24 and survived*
You're unlikely to survive an aircraft crash but they're very very rare.


*Damn thing was held together with tape, snot and hope.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 12:08, closed)

i've flown air cuba
the aeroplane was twice as old as I was, and all the emergency instructions were in Russian
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 12:47, closed)

The safety of modern air travel is a spectacular achievement, considering the inherent madness of being fired at nearly the speed of sound 5 miles up into the sky in an aluminium tube.
But it's not quite as safe as some of the rhetoric that is often employed to reassure people. If you look at the comparison table here, per km travelled flying really is the safest way to go. But that's really because planes go so fast and so far. Per hour, it doesn't look so good, and per journey even worse.

So contrary to the popular saying, you are actually about 3 times more likely to die in an plane crash than you are on your drive to the airport.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 13:01, closed)

I agree with you re the'inherent madness' thing
But (and much like that of my ex-wife, this is a really BIG but) it's not 1/1000,000th as dangerous as she thinks it is. You're very, very unlikely to be in an air crash. Those very very few times passenger* aircraft are involved in accidents**, the media hype it to the heavens - thereby scaring the shit out of the people.


*Air incident statistics are skewed by military crashes - see also third-world plane usage.
**Germanwings wasn't an accident.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 13:17, closed)

Good point.
So if you're in a plane that's brought down by either:

1) a collision with a military or a Third World plane; or
2) a suicidal pilot

Then you should consider yourself quite unlucky and/or a statistical anomaly.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 4 Aug 2015, 14:20, closed)

I got on a flight a couple of weeks ago and the two pilots were talking to a woman at the front who was having a panic attack
reassuring her that they were both happily married men who loved their children and they promised that they wouldn't crash the plane on purpose.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 14:49, closed)

Why don't they just sedate these people?

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 14:50, closed)

Possibly...
...because that would make flying the plane inherently more difficult.
(McBollocks stop being so fucking pretentious., Tue 4 Aug 2015, 15:17, closed)

Oh FFS.
Well you're hardly going to admit to 200 passengers that you're clinically depressed, your wife has moved in with your best mate and you've got a small willy, are you?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 4 Aug 2015, 15:20, closed)

How come you know so much about me?

(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 15:24, closed)

Your Mrs has started paying me a visit as well. Sozzers.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 5 Aug 2015, 10:20, closed)

As much as I object to deeply sexist phrases like "their women", this is a quality rant and I clicked accordingly.

(Porcupine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 12:04, closed)

if you can explain why that phrase is sexist
I might edit it
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 12:39, closed)

The use of "their" is to indicate inclusion within a set.
In this case, the set is people of foreign origin.
Therefore "their women" means "women who are members of the set of people of foreign origin".

Can you think of a less clunky way of communicating this idea which doesn't use "their women"?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 14:47, closed)

why not just delete "their"?
*dusts hands*
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 14:55, closed)

Well, because it changes the meaning of the sentence, subtly.
Without the "their" you're left with no distinction between any women at all.

In some countries, they may be happy to oppress the local women who have no defense, but might think twice about oppressing visiting western women backed up by money, power, education, and western governments.

A woman who has never left Wales cannot be really be oppressed by an Emirati in Dubai.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 15:02, closed)

i only have a weak anecdote
wherein my Australian friend got spat at in Malaysia for wearing a sleeveless t-shirt.

she was 10.

but I fail to see why that should stop us from making wild accusations and throwing around international slurs.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 15:06, closed)

Hey I'm just playing devils advocate here.
Pointing out there is a linguistic difference which might indicate some nuance of argument, as opposed to being sexist.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 15:17, closed)

no, let's just assume everyone is sexist and racist
we might get more frothing and keyboard bashing that way.

you sexist racist, you.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 15:27, closed)

Sexy AND racy?
You say the nicest things.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 15:41, closed)

yes master

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 15:52, closed)

Clicking 'I like this'
just isn't enough
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 16:10, closed)

The UK is beautiful and there are many things to see and to do.
But your miserable phizog is here so I'm going to stick with going abroad. After all I paid £90 for my passport.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 12:56, closed)

My miserable phizog hasn't lived in the UK for over a decade

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 13:00, closed)

Cornwall here I come.

(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 13:19, closed)

"Isn't the weather lovely?"
No, it's hot. Fuck the heat, fuck going on holiday, fuck the summer.
And fuck christmas, while you're at it.
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 13:37, closed)

*applauds*

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 13:46, closed)

In Turkey many of the appliances are made by a company called Arcelik
Had me rolling around with laughter and I totally forgot about the fighter planes roaring overhead.
Arcelik - brilliant.
(Tugnut Ex of this parish, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 16:13, closed)

I'm impressed that you've managed to find somewhere worse than Poland for your holidays

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 4 Aug 2015, 18:25, closed)

Anywhere further south than Opolonek is a shithole

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Wed 5 Aug 2015, 9:02, closed)

My dream is to go to England for my summer holidays.
Is this a good thing, or does it mean I'm twat who wants to spend my money on going abroad?
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 5 Aug 2015, 8:00, closed)

Depends whether you're going to sit on the beach for two weeks, eating and drinking processed diahrrea

( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Wed 5 Aug 2015, 8:52, closed)

"splattered with the faeces of three different species"
That line deserves to be written into a song.
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Wed 5 Aug 2015, 9:00, closed)

Hmm,
Tweak it a little to make it scan better and you're away...

"splattered with the faeces
of seven different species"

or

"splattered with the faeces
of half a dozen species"
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Thu 6 Aug 2015, 15:50, closed)

captain placid likes planes that haven't crashed

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 6 Aug 2015, 8:32, closed)