When you need to go...
After a night of heavy drinking, a mate of mine (Hi Wayne!) passed out cuddling my loo. I debated trying to aim my stream of piss 'round his head but in the end settled for watering the weeds at the side of the house. I think he was still there the next morning, poor lad.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 12:01, Reply)

written on the wall
"as i sit and contemplate...
... should i shit or masturbate..?"
( wierdo was bored @, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 12:01, Reply)

Transformers / Glastonbury
I'm a collector of those toys from the Eighties and also a regular festival-goer. About 5 years ago at Glasto I popped into one of the plastic cubicles for a wazz when I noticed that someone had left a Transformer toy (it was Ravage, the jaguar that changes into a micro-cassette) in the little plastic basin/urinal bit to the side, on top of a mound of piss-soaked toilet paper. I opened the door and got my missus to pass me in some bog roll, which I wrapped around my fingers, extricated the little feller, then ran him under a cold tap for about 20 mins. Then I wrapped him in more bog roll and stuck him in my bag. When I got home I washed him in boiling water, and he's got pride of place in my collection to this day.

Though this story seems dull in hindsight, the pure coincidence of someone taking a Transformer to Glastonbury and leaving it for me to find in a toilet blew my mind somewhat as I was in a state of advanced chemical refreshment at the time...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 12:00, Reply)

Went for a long overdue wee

in a posh-looking bar. Statues and paintings everywhere. Lots of arty-looking types.

"Excuse me, where's the bog?" I asked an overworked-looking barman, elbows deep in glasses and hot water, who casually nodded to the other side of the room.

Door with a familiar symbol on it. Enter. Lock. Someone banging on door. Fuckit. Zip. Wang. Relief.

Zip up. Notice that the whole WC is covered in newspaper. Everywhere. Everything, toilet included. WTF? Open door, exit. Met by a look of sheer horror on face of an arty type.

I'd pissed in his art display.
(roysin, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 12:00, Reply)

Loosely connected
More a work in progress...

Many years ago whilst learning to drive (in a knackered old Lada Samara van) I managed to slip the vehicle into reverse instead of first and backed (at speed) into my neighbours garden, shattering a beautiful white lavatory she had lovingly filled with soil and flowers.
( armaitus Sheep Casings!, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:58, Reply)

Travelling across the centre of Australia by bus
I got chatting to the driver. He was bored. It takes hours to get anywhere and he's got to keep himself awake somehow, for his benefit as well as ours.

He had three favourite methods:
* He'd transfer a pen from his left shirt pocket to his right with his right hand, then from his right to the left with his left hand. The rhythym of this would give him something to fill the hours.
* He'd find a nose hair and very gently, very slowly pull it out. This is would wake even the dead.
* But, best of all he'd wait for someone to go to the onboard toilet, wait for a count of 5 and then gently dip the brakes. The subsequent *thunk* would keep him awake and giggling all night long.
( chthonic, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:57, Reply)

not me but worth telling
at glasto, years ago, the toilets were (probly still are) these green plastic cubicles which seeped the harsh sunlight through its walls to give everything a glowing 'radioactive man' aura. i'm standing in the que and BANG! one of the doors flies open and this dude, dreaded hippy early 90's type (as i still am) bursts out like a ferret from a cannon and 15 feet later comes to a stop. the look on his face was utter horror. never seen anything like it. i checked he was OK as that's what you do and he told me the tale. seems he was just taking a slash pre-coming up on the strongest acid ever and it came up a notch faster than he thought. picture the green glowing stinking smoothering horror of those toilets. now picture it crawling and writhing and closing in and sucking his breath from his very body. saw him next day and when i brought it up he just went quiet. his mates thought it was hilarious as they hadn't known why he'd looned out so badly the day before when his brother said he needed to go :)

length? fukyasall...
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:57, Reply)

Oh YES!
...and the other day I heard that a new aussie craze is called doing a

'CAN CAN'

which is basicly just straddling the toilet (the wrong way round) and letting your plops hit the other side and skid all the way down.
Then you get up with out wiping and declare 'I've done a can can'!

strange but true.
(JinDod, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:55, Reply)

i once went out on the piss in my first year at uni
one of my mates offered me to crash at his place rather than the long walk home.
before i went to sleep i decided to go for a pee, so i stumbled into the loo and lent against the wall, where i passed out - i woke up about an hour later when my legs gave way and i fell to the floor cracking my head on the loo seat! not fun or nice.
( Rev. Jesse. broke his ankle, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:53, Reply)

Scrawled on the wall.
"Big fat massive cock willing
after 6pm call
07943..."

'Nuff said.
( Laughing Boy, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:48, Reply)

TO LET:
Two bedroom apartment.
South coast location, all mod cons, balcony, seaviews, 2 mins from town centre.
Ideal holiday home.

£450 per week (Available July/August)



oh. Toilets, sorry.
(nappy rash, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:48, Reply)

i wish i didn't have a post for this one but unfortunately i do....
both my toilet stories involve a high level of drunkeness and an accompanying head injury.

1. i was in a small cubicle in the ladies at the pub and had just been for my 549th pee for the night (once you break that seal....). upon pulling up pants after doing the business i managed to slip on the floor, give the door in front a rousing glasgow kiss and knock myself unconscious, with my pants around my knees and the muff on display for all to see (so i was told). my friend had to jump the wall of the cubicle next door, drag me out to her car and drive me home (i was still unconscious). she then got done for drunk driving on her way home. next morning i had the mother of all hangovers, a gash on the top of my head and crusted blood in my hair. off to hospital, eight hours in A&E, 1 cat scan, 1 pee in a bed pan and 4 suppositories later and i come out with a sprained neck and severe concussion.

2. in paris a couple of weeks ago. out for dinner, loads of wine. go to late night bar, more drinks. back to hotel, in drunken state decide not drunk enough and open bottle of wine. pass out. wake up with vom in the back of my throat about to make its appearance any second now. stagger to the toilet, hit every wall along the way, reach the bowl, put my hand on top of cistern to steady myself while the puke flows freely, grab toilet lid instead and crack myself fair on the nose mid-puke. blood gushes out, streams down face to mingle with the vom already there. pass out on floor.

It won't be the fags that kill me.....
(firesnake, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:45, Reply)

Racing the turtle
After I finished my finals I took a trip up to meet some friends at gorgeous, blessed Sandwood Bay in the far north-west of Scotland. Left Edinburgh in my car at 4am. At about 7.30am, I felt the need in my bowels for my regular "sit down for a read of the Guardian". Actually a very, very strong, urgent need.

Well, mes amis, there aren't too many public loos or service stations in the far north of Scotland. I drove for what felt like hours, sweat beading on my forehead, my hands shaking, tortured sphincter tensed, cursing my lack of foresight in not bringing anything resembling loo roll with me. And I knew tings would be ... very messy ... if I nipped behind a bush.

Finally, I saw a wondrous vision, a lay-by with a loo. Barely able to walk and sobbing with gratitude I staggered to the door, anticipating the blessed relief I was about to experience.

Then I saw the sign on the door: "Closed till 9am".

Bit of a blow. My heart sank and my guts tensed as they began to lose the battle against the inevtable.

Mercifully a couple of minutes down the road was an old rural petrol station (shed and a pump) that was equipped with a Deliverance-esque kludgie. By grunting and pointing, I communicated to the bloke that I would like use his khazi.

Quite what he made of the banging, whizzing and laughing noises coming out of his easance I do not know but when I emerged I was 10 years younger and a stone lighter.

Moral: always carry tissues, a plastic bag and a hosepipe.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:44, Reply)

bubbly work toilets
our facilities at the office have a slight air-lock issue - there are two sit down ones next to each other and when one is flushed, the water in the other cubicle's pan bubbles away like hot mud.

not an issue if the other thomas crapper is vacant, but a little distressing if your newly voided turd comes back to say hello in a happy bubbly gurgly fashion.

the 'bottom' (snigger) of the problem are next door's toilets backing up - next door happens to be cafe nero by turnham green in chiswick.

nb - they had a cellar knee deep in backed up turd - we could smell it in our offices, but coffee apparently masks the smell of effluent quite well. took them THREE MONTHS to admit it was their problem and sort it out.
(magictorch, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:43, Reply)

Unprofessional toilet habits
Several weeks ago I went into the cubicle at work and someone had left a HUGE Leonardo (annoying shit that won't drown) in the toilet for the next person to come along.
I recoiled in horror and backed out, just as our company finance director came into the bathroom. I said "you probably don't want to go in there" but he persisted, and when he was greeted with the sight of a monster floater smiling back at him he clutched his hand to his mouth, said "oh sweet Jesus" and looked at me as though I had planned it all. There is still an "atmosphere" in the lift.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:40, Reply)

Mine
is rather embarrassing but very common... I'll tell it now before everyone posts their own similar one.
I blocked the toilets with a huge crap and all the bog roll I needed to wipe it off you see, in a tiny swiss chalet in the mountains, two years ago in New Year's Eve. I was there with some (good) friends of mine.
Unfortunately this happened late at night (or early in the morning) when we were all hammered so we decided to leave it till the morning.
Then of course the toilet and its content froze during the night, it was so bloody cold, so it's only after emptying half a bottle of anti-freezing liquid into the toilet and pumping the shit up forever that we finally managed to get it cleared out.
In the meanwhile we had to pee outside behind the chalet and two of my mates (girls) caught cystisis. Happy New Year...
( liverbird, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:39, Reply)

toilets....
There are ones in Bournemouth, that are the rankest I have ever been in....

Also

On Holiday in Tunisia (worst fucking holiday ever) went to see Roman ruins, 4 hours in baking bus to see stones slowly turning to sand and get hassled by tunisians flogging cigarettes,carpets, and other shite.
There was a toilet, we all queued (even the germans) to find that there was some local there who looked (and smelled) like he used his mouth and hands to try keep the toilet clean, however the toilet and cubile stank, I cannot begin to descibe the wretchedness of the toilet, the smell was so bad I didn't kow which end of myself to point at the toilet.

Then when I had finished, the cunt expected me to pay him for the privilage of using his shit-box....and then got all angry when I didn;t have any money...All the fine porcelain toilets I have used in the world for free, and then I have to pay for the privilage of using the worst one...Oooh the Irony.

Re; Drugs - not me babes, but my housemate Russ pulled a whitey while having a crap, and we discovered him passed out on the floor, with his pants around his ankles, covered in shit...

Apologies for wittering - too much coffee...off to toilet for wank now...
(Rockster77, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:38, Reply)

cocktails
Having been on a particularly strong all-day bender (Ale x many, followed by yellow, foamy cocktails) I felt the need to yawn. In Technicolour. I staggered to the toilet, and as always happens the vomit erupts just a second too soon. Fortunately I'd gotten into the cubicle but in my pissed state my aim was off and all the yellow, foamy vom bounced off the seat and all over the place.
The initial eruption thus concluded, I shrugged, and went to the next cubicle in an attempt to recover. Unfortunately during the three-foot journey, I was overtaken by another wave of nausea. Exactly the same thing happened. The last thing I remember was sliding down the wall of the cubicle, only to land on my arse in a puddle of vom with a resounding "Splat".

(Fortunately the friend I was with found me and took me home. He said it was very easy - all he had to do was follow the spray of foam)
(Sathington Willoughby, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:36, Reply)

Once upon a time
there was a thing called the Poopie List, which I am amazed to discover still exists. We added various poopies to the list based on our own poopie experiences. "The Jimmy White poopie - comes out so fast it doesn't touch the sides", "The Chameleon poopie - it's the wrong colour all together", "The Am I Gay poopie - where it feels so satisfying you question your own sexuality" etc.etc.etc

The crowning addition to the list was found in a public toilet in Coventry. A huge perfectly formed fresh shit in the middle of the floor. We called it The Great Escape poopie, since it looked like it was making a bid for freedom.
( expf, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:36, Reply)

Nightmare
I had a nightmare recently where an Austrian policeman broke down the door of my toilet and then weed on me. This was quite disturbing and I blame George Michael.

I once used a toilet on a National Express coach and it was horrible begrimed by a previous occupant, with wee (and other stuff)all over the place. I came out and sat down, some doddery old git came up to me and said "Did you see the mess in the toilet?"

"Yes" I replied.

He grinned toothlessly and said "That was me, hahahahahahahahahaha!"
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:34, Reply)

Ha, I know one straight away
I went on a works night out with some of the very 'cool cats' i used to work with.
One of them kept retiring to the loos to snort copious amounts of coke in the toilet.

I decided at some that i needed a good old shit and walked into the toilet. There was no loo roll to be seen so 'bold as brass' i strolled up to the bar and asked to borrow the massive roll of kitchen roll on the bar.
I tucked it under my arm and strolled confidently into the toilets.
I had my brownbum then i went about wiping with the thick oversized loo roll. basically it was a messy shite so when i stood up i realised that there were huge pieces of loo roll smeared with humanous blocking the loo.
I flushed and flushed and the monstrosity would not go away.
Fuck it.
I Thought.
I opened the cubicle door to see a maintenance chap stood with a pile of loo rolls (obviously tipped off by someone that a big feller was in the loo with a kitchen roll).
so i said....

'i wouldn't go in there mate, some dirty bastards made a right mess!'

and strolled out.

Then later on in the evening my white powdered friend came out of the loo looking unwell.
I asked him what was wrong and he said...

'I was just doing a line of charlie off the toilet seat and i thought to myself.. 'i can smell shit'.
he had opened the lid and seen the circus of horrors i had left for him.

I never told him a word.
(JinDod, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:33, Reply)

Been to a toilet in Germany
So much for german efficiency and cleanliness, looked like that toilet trip from Trainspotting. Yeeek.

Pretty sure I wasn't tripping at the time...
( PopePollo defloculating the soup of the surreal, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:32, Reply)

Princes St gardens
Never EVER use the gents toilets at the back of the pavilion in Princes St Gardens in Edinburgh.

Never. Again. Ever. [shudders]


(and i'm not talking about poo...)
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:26, Reply)

Bollocks
ran out of paper whilst on the toilet, so had to waddle slowly over to computer, would have had first post otherwise.
(nappy rash, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:22, Reply)

Boats
I was sick all over the bathroom in someones boat when i was trying to take a shit, the half a bottle of pernod didnt help.....
(Jimmy Large Is huffing Jenkem on, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:22, Reply)

Woo ... I'm no. 2
Guy I knew got busted for having a hand shandy in a public toilet in a station. Bit harsh, nobody saw him, apart from the copper peering over the door that is.
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:21, Reply)

first
woo...
glastonbury toilets... shudders... mate was tring to light a fag while squatting fora dump, drops only lighter we have down bog.. well on top of the pile of steaming shit from 100's of festival goers, cue us sending him back in to fish it out as we couldnt afford to pay a fiver or so for a new one.. still feel guilty about laughing while he sifts thru the crap with his bare hands...
( wierdo was bored @, Fri 2 Sep 2005, 11:18, Reply)