If you're throwing a party in which red wine is likely to be drunk and spilled
Simply buy several bottles of white wine beforehand and liberally coat your carpet in it. If anyone does spill their red wine, it will instantly be neutralised.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 13:15, Reply)

Female Celebrities
We've not seen any of you get out of a taxi or limo with no knickers on in a while. Why not dust off your mimsy and give it an airing in the spirit of christmas?
(bunglist, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 8:46, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Vegans, vegetarians, fussy eaters, iceland customers.
Don't kid yourselves that you've been accepted to appear on 'come dine with me' because of your sparking personality.
(bunglist, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 8:34, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Spooky
Saying Jesus Christ five times whilst looking into a mirror will make someone rush into the bathroom thinking you've cut yourself shaving quite badly.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 8:18, Reply)

The sum of the numbers on a roulette wheel is 666 so whatever you do, dont spin it backwards or a videotape of Jesus will appear in the mirror or somesuch.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 6:05, Reply)

It is a well known tip
that a spillage of red wine can be cleared up by rubbing white wine into it. Similarly, a spilt carpet can be cleaned up by rubbing some lino into it.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 13 Dec 2010, 0:44, Reply)

How to remove red wine from white carpets
1. Rub it in with your stockinged foot.
2. Drink rest of wine.
3. Shout for the boy.
4. Buy a new, maroon carpet.
5. Chortle at plebian whimsies.
6. Continue drinking wine.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 23:11, Reply)

Fancy a nice walk but too cold outside?
Simply use google street view. It takes less time to get anywhere too.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 17:39, Reply)

Ensign Nellie Forbush in South Pacific
You wouldn't have to sing 'I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair' if you hadn't have agreed to the bukakke session in the first place.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 12 Dec 2010, 17:19, Reply)

Distortion as an effect is acceptable when using an electric guitar
and overdriving the pre-amp stage to create a sound rich in harmonics and the distinctive fuzzy sound of a modern rock guitar.

Distortion caused by a Vauxhall Corsa factory fit stereo being turned up to max while playing bass-heavy dubstep is conversely not a good sound and while it does make people turn around and look at you, they're more likely to think 'What a twat' instead of the 'Wow, look at that tricked out groovemobile' effect you were hoping to evoke.

p.s. Adding a subwoofer does not remedy the situation.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sun 12 Dec 2010, 15:43, Reply)

How to remove red wine from light carpets.
1.Prevent the spillage from seeping further into your carpet by placing some kitchen roll over the affected area and press down hard.
2.Keep pressure on the kitchen roll for a good 10 seconds and then replace with a clean piece of kitchen roll and repeat.
3.Get a cup and mix in approximately 5 tablespoons of salt, 5 grams of toothpaste (Colgate 2 in 1 works best I find), 100ml of hot water and 1 spoon of plain flour.
4.Throw the cup out of the window and draw a dinosaur on the floor with tomato ketchup. Wait to dry.
5.Once the ketchup has dried, begin playing the trombone and thinking deeply about your mothers menstrual cycle.
6.Pull down your undergarments and do a poo on the wine stain.
7.Roll your carpet up and put it in the bin.
8.Go to bed and reflect on a job well done.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 11:07, Reply)

How to remove red wine from light carpets
1. Soak wine with salt
2. Leave five minutes
3. Spray stain remover extremely liberally over all covered surface. If in doubt, spray more
4. Leave five minutes
5. Pour a very small amount of water over carpet
6. Push moisure/salt out of carpet using spatula/fish slice, until you can see whether the stain remains or not
7. If stain persists, repeat
8. When stain appears to have gone, leave overnight
9. Pray like hell when waking up
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Sun 12 Dec 2010, 6:43, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

My daughter
Make some more of that lemon loaf, it was scrummy.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 0:55, Reply)

Vegans
Why not go back to Vega?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 12 Dec 2010, 0:54, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Vegetarians and vegans
get over yourselves.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 11 Dec 2010, 15:17, Reply)

Manscaping can lead to more sexytimes from your wife
When your pubic hair grows longer than your wang.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 11 Dec 2010, 7:32, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

If you work in retail.
Don't use Gordon Ramsay as your primary influence. Customers don't like hearing you yell at your employees that they work like shit.

Even if they do.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Sat 11 Dec 2010, 7:30, Reply)

Convince people you are lighter than air
by doing a hand-stand on your roof and shouting "I can't hold on much longer!"
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 15:55, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Lying can make things a lot easier
for when you're caught in compromising situations.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 14:31, Reply)

DE-ICER
Save money on expensive cans of de-icer this winter by shoplifting
(sonofstuj is exactly who you think he is, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 14:15, Reply)

Watch a large spotted pink character from a hateful 1990s Saturday night light entertainment show do something incredible
Or you won't see the Blobby feat.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 12:35, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Don't use parcel2go.com
They will lose your expensive parcel then refuse a claim despite you paying for extra insurance because you cannot provide photographs of a missing parcel.
( Peej, Fri 10 Dec 2010, 10:03, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

if your car is less than 10 years old and a 'check engine lamp' comes on in the instrument cluster
If you then take it to a garage and they hook it up to the diagnostic tester to read the 'Diagnostic Trouble Codes' (DTCs)they will charge you between 40 and 80 quid for this service. Instead, look into getting a 'scan tool' that will do the same job, it's almost always cheaper to buy one than pay someone else to do it, some of them are universal and should work on most modern cars, and you can use it again and again over the lifespan of that car. What you have to do is locate the special diagnostic port on your car (A 'J1962' connector that is a trapezoidal shape with 16 metal terminals in it, two rows of 8) into which you need to plug the 'scan tool'. The user guide should tell you, if not then look on the internet. Most are located in the drivers' footwell, some are hidden behind plastic panels, under ashtrays, centre console armrests etc.

Key words to look out for - 'OBD2 compliant' (On Board Diagnostics), 'J1962', 'ISO14229' and 'ELM327'. Bear in mind some are standalone interfaces with a display, others interface to your computer but laptops thesedays don't tend to have 9-pin D-type serial ports so a USB to serial interface may be required in addition.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 10 Dec 2010, 1:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

mobile phone makers
Male predictive text algorithms that actually suggest the words you're nose likely to use rather than some of the quite ridiculous words it displays now. For example, how often does anyone text the word photosynthesis? I should not have to add common words to user dictionary

Edit: (from computer) such as photos.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 21:50, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

never
Get into a 'last man posting' fight with Falstaff.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 21:35, Reply)

Don't get into a pissing match with a skunk
Mom always used to say...
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 21:26, Reply)

Iceland commercial makers
Make the adverts at least partly tolerable by having one of the can-can dancer's tits pop out while they're bobbing up and down.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 9 Dec 2010, 18:35, Reply)

Washing machine pump inlet valve knackered?
Fire up the whirlpool bath and use that instead. You can double the load and can use a baseball bat as a big stirrer.

Also, you can still use the spin cycle on the machine.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 9 Dec 2010, 14:59, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)