cuntdust makes a perfect fire accelerant.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 8:33, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid a catastrophic game of pictionary
by not playing in a plummeting lift.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 5 Jan 2011, 8:23, Reply)

Channel 4 bosses:
You might as well take Famous and Fearless off the air, no-one will notice.
(bunglist, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 20:56, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Avoid a catastrophic game of pictionary
by jumping out of the way at the very last second
(bunglist, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 13:48, Reply)

If you find you're spending more time with the dog than the wife
It's time to start asking questions. For example, 'would you like to go for a walk?' would be a good question to ask.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 9:22, Reply)

Don't feed your children scraps of food from the dinner table.
It'll teach them bad habits and they'll constantly mill around the table and pester you for food while you eat. The same goes for dogs.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Tue 4 Jan 2011, 9:19, Reply)

Avoid a catastrophic game of Pictionary
by making the confused old German lady and the Latvian with a poor understanding of the English language, have a game between themselves.
( Mr Nerdy-Speccy-FuckNuts Ouchy ouchy wa wa!, Sun 2 Jan 2011, 16:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Parties
When letting your teenage kids invite a few friends around for a new year party, make sure they don't invite a Polish girl who will say something like "this is how we do it in Poland" before necking a third of a bottle of cheap vodka, being sick on your rather expensive settee and then passing out.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 2 Jan 2011, 0:57, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Dating Tip
Don't believe what you see in adverts for dating websites. If you wander into a music shop, sit down at a piano and start singing a ditty about your passion for midget porn, bukkake and felching, you'd be surprised how few women actually choose to join in.
(costas, Fri 31 Dec 2010, 14:39, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

B&Q The Music
DIY stores: Don't bother piping music into your vast, cavernous shop-floors. Nobody was ever persuaded to buy a top-end kitchen by the strains of Dido singing into a cup.
(costas, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 19:32, Reply)

Avoid turkey being too dry
by going in Autumn and staying near the Black Sea coast
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 14:11, Reply)

Avoid tired old cliches about the turkey being too dry
by nibbling around the neck, working your way down to the nipples and eventually the clitoris, instead of just plunging straight in with no warning.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 9:38, 4 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Rearrange the post before yours,
So that it makes less sense and is far less funny/interesting/relevant.
(Margatemug, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 0:46, Reply)

Filling in a passport form?
Make sure you use BLACK BIRO otherwise the cunts will send it back to you and you'll have to pay all the fucking money again!
(The Hitman, Thu 30 Dec 2010, 0:33, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Fly tippers
Tip other insects instead such as beetles, as their struggle to right themselves is most satisfying.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 9:03, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Keep your wife's
shirt-potatoes in the fridge, it makes the nipples most proud and prominent.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 29 Dec 2010, 9:01, Reply)

Don't keep your potatoes in the fridge.
The light can turn them green and nasty.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Tue 28 Dec 2010, 12:54, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

After using telephone banking at work or at someone else' house
hang up and punch in a random number then han up again, or someone may be able to 'redial' your card number and a couple of numbers from your pass code.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 27 Dec 2010, 20:39, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Fly Tippers:
Leave all your unwanted waste near your local gypsy site, so they may use it to decorate their communal areas.
(bunglist, Mon 27 Dec 2010, 10:56, Reply)

Avoid tired old cliches
about turkey being too dry by cooking it properly in the first place.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 26 Dec 2010, 23:40, Reply)

Keep a tub of double cream by your bed
so that if your mum comes in to ask about the slopping noises, you can tell her you were making whipped cream.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 26 Dec 2010, 1:26, Reply)

To make whipped cream
Take an unopened tub of double cream and shake it up in down in an aggressive wanking motion for 10 to 20 minutes until it stops making slopping noises.

Credit for this tip goes to my mother.

Do NOT do this to tubs of cream in a supermarket that you haven't paid for.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sat 25 Dec 2010, 14:12, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Be excellent to each other.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 25 Dec 2010, 1:50, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

top flicks?
‎menopausal women......pretend your partner still loves you by listening to Michael Buble and masturbating.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Sat 25 Dec 2010, 1:16, Reply)

living with German housemates?
Don't they talk funny?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 11:40, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

fallen in love with a pizza?
run away so you can be together, no-one will understand.
(bunglist, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 10:56, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

avoid looking like a fucunting arse
logging out and checking if you think it seems strange.

it probably is
(epicsnail Likes working nights, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 2:45, Reply)

BA, BAA...
...black sheep have you any brains? No sir, no sir, we're completelely useless drains.

I doubt that anyone from the above named organisations, or Highways or whoever is supposed to grit the roads in the UK, is intelligent enough to read B3ta. But just in case, this is for you...

It gets cold in winter. You know, brr brr and all that. And sometimes this white stuff falls from the sky.

It's called snow.

It happened last year. And the year before. And it will happen again.

So, sheepy beings, what you need to do is be prepared. Like America, Canada, and every country in mainland Europe that experiences snow in winter.

Simples. Snow = happens every year = people can't get places = you need to think in advance = fucking get your act together.

I'm sure I'm not the only B3tan who's stuck on my own for Christmas thanks to you, BA/BAA shit-for-brains - so here's my Christmas message:

I hope none of your nice relatives were able to turn up thanks to your incompetence. I hope that the only people who did turn up to your festivities were the stroppy drunken aunts who disapprove of everything you do and the disgusting paedo uncles who have to be locked in the shed after 9 o'clock. I hope that the lovely presents you ordered from Amazon.com didn't arrive because you closed the airports and instead you had to explain to your Mum why her only present is a set of pens that don't work from Poundland.

So, BA/BAA brains asleep, let me suggest that this weird phenomenon called snow almost certainly will happen again next year so GET READY!

To all fellow B3tans - thanks for your excellent stories this year and may you have a great Christmas and thrive and prosper in the New Year. Provided you're allowed to do so in the "adverse weather conditions..."

Cheers! Eesnahk
(eesnahk, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 23:01, Reply)

Avoid having human DNA
by being a lettuce or a shrew perhaps.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 23 Dec 2010, 21:51, 1 reply, 14 years ago)