Amuse yourself on the way to work, when someone is walking towards you with ipod headphones in, mouthe 'oh my god' and cover your head whilst ducking
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Wed 4 May 2011, 10:38, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Enjoy hedgehogs by covering them in clay and baking them.
When the clay is removed it takes the spines with it and you're left with some delicious hedgehog meat that can be eaten without piercing your lips.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Wed 4 May 2011, 9:35, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Create realistic enormous model hedgehogs
by placing WWII floating mines in your garden
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 3 May 2011, 16:23, Reply)

Create realistic miniture floating WWII sea mines
By putting small polystyrene beads on the end of each of a headgehog's spines.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 3 May 2011, 15:39, Reply)

Make hedgehogs
safer to handle by pushing a small polystyrene bead on to the end of each of its spines.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 3 May 2011, 15:00, Reply)

Avoid drowning by taking anti-histamine tablets.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 3 May 2011, 13:51, Reply)

Suffering from hay fever?
Stick your head in a bucket of water. Remove it in autumn.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 3 May 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Hedgehogs make ideal "croquet balls" for use with flamingo "croquet mallets" in surrealist children's books
written by Oxford dons inspired by their incredibly suspect friendships with 12 year old girls.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 3 May 2011, 9:15, Reply)

The second best way to kill hedgehogs
is to find which hedges they frequently hog, and then bulldoze it down and lay a B-road in it's place.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 2 May 2011, 23:16, Reply)

Post three top tips in a row.
Oh, yes indeed.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 2 May 2011, 0:08, Reply)

Eat lots of delicious food,
and get hammered on red wine.

You know it makes sense.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 2 May 2011, 0:07, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Cunt 'em in the fuck.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 2 May 2011, 0:05, Reply)

The best way to kill hedgehogs
Make a pile of sticks, leaves and other garden waste as you perform your gardening duties throughout the year. Keep it covered with a sheet of tarpaulin so that it remains dry. In the middle of winter, set light to it.
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Sat 30 Apr 2011, 23:21, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Today's tip
Sharpen those expensive razor blades with your jeans
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 15:03, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Elaborate your pronunciation splendidly in order that you might
appear wonderously intellectual and verbose.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 13:45, 2 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Driving
When joining a motorway, its always a good idea to accelerate down the sliproad to match the approximate speed of the traffic flow. This will prevent the ashen faced bloke in the car behind you having to take to the hard shoulder whilst simultaneously leaning on the horn and mouthing foul invectives in your general direction.*

* May apply to elderly drivers who wear Trilby style hats and drive 15 year old pristine Rovers.

He's probably never had an accident but has been at the scene of plenty..
(frightfullybored, Thu 28 Apr 2011, 11:41, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Don't go into work with a hangover, put Afro Celt Sound System's "Sure-As-Knot" on Windows Media player, and sit watching the pretty colours for the entire duration.
It won't help matters.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 Apr 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Want to annoy everyone?
Of course you do. Next time anyone mentions or appears to take for granted that a) the earth revolves around the sun, b) living creatures are made of cells, c) all things are made of atoms, or d) continental plates floating on magma and colliding cause earthquakes, retort with "that's just a theory" à la creationism's response to evolutionism.

For this to work, you have to never let anyone know that "theory" doesn't just mean "something someone once made up off the top of their head and expected everyone to fall for".
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Wed 27 Apr 2011, 11:22, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Never stick your rhubarb
in another-man's pie.
(knackerz is skinning up, Wed 27 Apr 2011, 2:43, Reply)

busy men
The application of muscle toner (slendertone, TENS machine) pads in the right places can induce ejaculation in well under a minute leaving more time to do other things.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 16:11, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Sick of rhubarb top tips?
Simply change the subject.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 16:06, Reply)

Napalm makes an ideal "rhubarb reduction mechanism"
for when you've got too much rhubarb.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 13:17, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Thinking of growing rhubarb?
Don't plant too much, and thin it every few years, otherwise you will be reduced to thinking up ridiculous uses for it all the time.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 12:49, Reply)

Are you an elf, trapped outside in the rain without an umbrella, near a vegetable patch?
A rhubarb leaf will make an ideal impromptu, waterproof covering to shelter beneath.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 11:56, Reply)

Burnt pots & pans but too much rhubarb?
Boil rhubarb in your burnt pans to clean them easily.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Constipated and got lots of rhubarb?
Boil grated rhubarb root in water to make a mild laxative. Eat dried, powdered rhubarb root for a stronger purgative. Or use a stick of rhubarb to dig the crap out of your arsehole.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 11:32, Reply)

Got too much rhubarb and don't know what to do with it?
Make rhubarb fool: it's easy and yummy. Cook the rhubarb with some sugar and whip some cream. Strain the (cooled) rhubarb and mix the liquid into the cream. Puree the rhubarb and fold it into the cream. Garnish with a piece of rhubarb.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 11:23, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Fool gerbils into thinking they're rats
by whispering "You are a rat ... you are a rat ... " continously to them as they sleep.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 11:16, Reply)

Pawnee former grotstars
White man fellate with forked tongue.
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Tue 26 Apr 2011, 9:49, 1 reply, 14 years ago)