Don't help
In my experience, if you bend over backwards to help someone, it just enables them to get a really good kick at your knackers in.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 13:58, Reply)

if someone comes collecting

for People Who Are Constantly Attacked By Wolves, the best thing to do is OH GOD NO NOT AGAIN THE FANGS
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 13:40, Reply)

slightly cribbed from the Young Ones

Next time you think Margaret Thatcher has in fact passed, don't be so sure - the smell could be British industry in decay.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:49, Reply)

Next time you wish the passing of Tony Cliff...

Remember, he's probably the reason you own your own Billy Bragg LP.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:46, Reply)

Next time you wish the passing of Margaret Thatcher...

Remember that while butter is passed to the left, Margaret Thatcher may only be passed to the extreme right.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:44, Reply)

Impress your work colleagues
When using the company toilet, wait inside 15 seconds after flushing before emerging from the main door. Colleagues who hear the flush will think that you have washed your hands.
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:39, Reply)

Next time you don't wish the passing of Margaret Thatcher...

If you live in the north of England, remember she's probably the reason you no longer own your fucking house.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:38, Reply)

Next time you wish the passing of Margaret Thatcher...
Remember she's probably the reason you live in your own fucking house.

EDIT Sorry - English is not my first language...what is the English for 'fucking house'?

EDIT Next time you wish the passing of Margaret Thatcher, remember she's probably the reason you live in a brothel.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:38, Reply)

Next time you wish the passing of Margaret Thatcher...

Don't leap to conclusions. It may not be Margaret Thatcher, but simply an enormous turd.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:37, Reply)

Nasty coffee breath?
After brushing your teeth, simply swish your mouth out with a cup of your own jizz.
(misteroz, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:24, Reply)

Next time you wish the passing of Margaret Thatcher...
remember she's probably the reason you own your fucking house.
(misteroz, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:18, Reply)

CS Spray
Trainee Special Constables get sprayed with CS to make sure they don't panic if they get a bit of blowback. From this experience I have the following tip:
If you have been sprayed with CS (for whatever reason) make sure you wash your hands VERY thoroughly before going to the toilet. I didn't.
If you're Cs'ed in the face, the best thing to do is face into the breeze and try and get your eyes open ASAP, as the crystals blow off. This advice does not hold for genital exposure
(superfuzz56, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 12:16, Reply)

unless you like lots of pain
don't snort Aftershock
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 9:20, Reply)

f u want 2 b

s33n as a cr3t1n, wr1t3 l1k3 this lol! ^_^
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 19 Dec 2006, 7:23, Reply)

From Marc (with a c)
today i will dispense free advice like a chemist giving out free drugs.

1) ginger nut biscuits do not double as car tyres

2) a penguin is not a small fish

3) fried eggs go in sandwiches well

4) a drop of vinegar will sting if you put it on the end of your penis

5) do not advertise your house party on myspace, its dangerous

6) microwaves are not small mammal cages

7) carla crab, i dont want a small crustacean, i want a taxi

8) sticking pins in your body is called acupuncture

9) jews are not the enemy, they are just plain evil

10) reading heat magazine may cause brain damage and in extreme cases death
(Marmite Omelette ...but I feel better having screamed, don't you?, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 21:42, Reply)

Dont make a chilli meal and then pleasure the wife
Also, if you need to make a cut on a job with a lathe, but have no coolant handy, use Vaseline, it will stick better and wont burn readily in the intense heat. It also gives a good surface to the job.


That is all.
( Wingnutt razzle dazzle my fantasmagazzle, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 20:39, Reply)

Never
under any circumstances drink and absinthe and cheese cocktail, fucking TRUST me
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 15:33, Reply)

Own a shit Nissan hatchback or Fiat Punto?
why not have two white lines painted down the front and have a unrealisticly large spoiler on the back and green underlights put on it so it looks EXACTLY like a dodge vyper. In addition put in a 5000w stereo so people will be drawn to your amazing motor.
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Mon 18 Dec 2006, 15:31, Reply)

Pensioners
When you reach the age when your eyesight is starting to wane - give your car to someone who can FUCKING SEE WHERE THEY ARE GOING!!!


(still in pain after collision with blind old cnut in a Skoda)
( h3donist tryin' to play me out as if my name is Sega.., Mon 18 Dec 2006, 11:33, Reply)

An Actually Useful One
Drivers: late for work, taking the scenic short cut, want to get around a corner quicker?

Rather than braking through the turn, brake just before the turn begins, then accelerate through the turn.

The car will grip the corner better, won't understeer, and you'll shave seconds off your journey time, just enough to get the good parking space.

I thank you.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 16:56, Reply)

To avoid losing your..
children in the new years sales, make them wear brightly coloured swim caps.
((((InfraSound))) SUNN0))) > YOU!, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 14:53, Reply)

Sneezing. Final solution.
It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Keep them open with matchsticks.
(Lannes, Sun 17 Dec 2006, 2:37, Reply)

If you want to go to family reunions again...
...dont fuck your cousin and then leave him for his younger sexier brother

Peace
(Fluent In Bentish Living in Scatman's World, tis being fun!, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 17:03, Reply)

Gardening
when turning over soil in the garden, use a gardening fork.

Ive found that this works every time!
(never-right -getting it wrong since '78, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 11:13, Reply)

Or...
Buy one of those canvas bags they sell for about 35p (small) or 75p (honking great thing). Lovely wide non-finger-destroying straps, and they last forever.

Just don't keep losing them.
( le brian, Sat 16 Dec 2006, 1:11, Reply)

Dragging a million bags home from Tescos?
Wear mittens... you'll look stupid but at least you'll be able to feel your fingers by the time you get home.

Better still, get them to deliver.
( Maladicta, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 18:55, Reply)

gets me through the day
never shit on your lunch break. poo is a right
(no1_cheesecake, Fri 15 Dec 2006, 13:52, Reply)