long term marriage on the rocks ?
nothing to say to each other with starting an argument?
have you considerd the assaination buruea
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Dec 2011, 17:09, Reply)

do your friends and family seem to be punching each other in the face all the time?
maybe you should find friends with better mammorys
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Dec 2011, 17:08, Reply)

Been punche din the face for apparent reason?
chances are the person forgot your present and felt realy bad about it so dont hold it against them simple do the same to them next time you meet
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Dec 2011, 17:06, Reply)

Forgot a christmas present ? feeling embarassed and in adequate about it?
simply punch the person in the face and run awauy laughing
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Dec 2011, 17:05, Reply)

Avoid sudden bouts of pain when eating salt and vinigarggg crips
by making sure that you do not have a cold sore or chapped lips
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Dec 2011, 17:02, Reply)

Men , show how hard you are by not crying at funerals and weddings and
other emotional events, thus storing up years of suppressed feelings
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 17 Dec 2011, 17:00, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

If flicking through The Daily Mail 'round your folks' house on a Saturday
be aware that the title 'Heffer' next to a photo of a fat bloke in glasses on page 41 refers to the name of the columnist, rather than being a statement...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sat 17 Dec 2011, 14:57, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Make women cry
by demanding they peel you some onions
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 16 Dec 2011, 23:06, Reply)

Make women cry
by calling them a whore.

Repeatedly.

With your fingers in your ears to drown out their cries.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Fri 16 Dec 2011, 19:57, Reply)

Festive / All Year Cheer
Always sincerely thank people who do things for you, even when they don't realise they've done you a favour.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Fri 16 Dec 2011, 13:21, Reply)

Convince people
that Shakin' Stevens had an elder brother named Even...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Wed 14 Dec 2011, 23:24, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Motorcyclists.
Pretend you recently had a sidecar by pulling up to traffic lights, and letting the bike fall over on top of you.
(username failed moderation, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 12:39, Reply)

If your car radiator springs a leak
just crack an egg into it. Then you can eat poached egg while waiting for the breakdown truck to arrive.
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 14 Dec 2011, 9:45, Reply)

pissing in to some ones bovril drink is a damned fine way of making it taste better

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 10 Dec 2011, 18:45, Reply)

Annoy work colleagues
by tipping confetti into the paper tray of the office printer just before they print a large document. Preferably slightly damp confetti as it will adhere better.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 9 Dec 2011, 8:20, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Unless you spend your life in Space.
The glass is always full but sometimes it is partly full of gas rather than liquid.
This has fuck all to do with your personality and anyone who suggests otherwise is a simple minded twat.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 22:51, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Genuine tip
Have your Kitchen Knives gone blunt? No Knife sharpner available.

Simply get another knife, and - sliding the edge of the Blunt knife against the back of the other knife to 'true' up the edge works wonders.

If you notice the knife is a little blunt, do the above and notice how much shaprer the knife now is.

For some people the above might be obvious, for me it really wasnt.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 14:32, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Go to the cinema for that new film about Mr Winters, or, erm ...
Ah ...

...

... you won't see the Bernie flick.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 Dec 2011, 11:44, Reply)

to check if your cup
is empty or full simply turn it upside down and see if any thing lands on your lap
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 7 Dec 2011, 22:58, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

People who work in card shops
Make people's lives that little bit more festive by painting a solution of LSD along the glue strips of the envelopes of the Christmas card stock.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 17:06, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

An orange with about 30 fresh cloves pushed into the skin, tied to a length of christmas ribbon
Makes an ideal festive mace to attack red suited intruders entering your property over the holiday period.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 15:56, 5 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Save money in winter
by emptying your fridge and keeping everything in the garden instead.
(Smale is stuffed, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 14:25, Reply)

Make yoofs turn their music down on the train by coughing slightly and rustling your newspaper.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 6 Dec 2011, 10:23, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Save time and money by wanking over the body
of the prostitute you murder last Tuesday evening instead of going out and finding a new one and possibly catching a chill at the same time or even a runny nose and cold fingers have you ever tried to hammer some one to death with cold fingers? not easy you could slip with the hammer and hurt some one don't take the risk be a conscientious proszy murderderer and save your carbon foot print by recycling your old one that way you keep the greens happy and the local prossys more likely to get in to your old transit with the mattress with out screaming or slipping and hurting them self's before you do*






























*may in fact be illegal in some cuntry's
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 21:21, Reply)

Save money on expensive toilet paper
by wanking straight into the toilet.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 17:43, Reply)

Pierce a small hole in your eggs,
And inject a small amount of builders 'expanding foam'. This will prevent your eggs from smashing in the event of you dropping them accidently.
(robneymcplum spiced up his life on, Mon 5 Dec 2011, 12:57, Reply)

Avoid worrying about the economic crisis by not watching the news...
they're just trying to frighten you anyway.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 20:26, Reply)

avoid wasting peoples time by not posting shit top tips.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 11:33, 3 replies, latest was 14 years ago)

Keep your back against a wall at all times when in the company of homosexuals
Cos gays are obviously all rapists
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Sat 3 Dec 2011, 4:55, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Avoid nasty accident with sharp instruments when making long distance phone calls
by remembering which hand the phone is in
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Fri 2 Dec 2011, 17:39, Reply)