
Got a great tip? Share it with us. You know, stuff like "Prevent sneezing by pressing you index finger firmly between your nose and your upper lip."
( , Wed 29 Nov 2006, 16:33)
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( , Wed 30 May 2012, 4:44, Reply)

No matter how fucking ill the first one is making you.
( , Tue 29 May 2012, 15:00, Reply)

and recreate the feeling of diagnosing a sick loaf of bread with complex symptoms having an MRI scan, simply buy sliced and flip through the individual rounds. At some point stop, point at a random batch of texture and triumphally declare "THERE!"
( , Mon 28 May 2012, 18:29, 4 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

Keep a fire-breathing dinosaur on hand, to flame-grill all your food.
( , Mon 28 May 2012, 9:34, 6 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

I mean a proper barbecue, not one of those gas barbecues for girls and gays. A Black & Decker paint stripper gun acts like a pair of bellows and will turn the small glowing embers into a raging furnace.
( , Sun 27 May 2012, 18:28, 3 replies, latest was 13 years ago)

( , Sun 27 May 2012, 15:48, Reply)

...by talking endlessly about your allotment, but never actually going there.
( , Sat 26 May 2012, 18:38, Reply)

by swapping the lids on your wheelie-bins, ensuring the bin men will always leave them alone for containing the wrong sort of rubbish,
Enjoy your new collection of rats.
( , Fri 25 May 2012, 15:28, Reply)

by swapping the lids about on your selection of different coloured wheelie-bins.
( , Fri 25 May 2012, 12:02, Reply)

Then lie locally.
( , Thu 24 May 2012, 14:13, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

Hide in the laylandii to get a closer look.
( , Thu 24 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)

Make the kids eat them by telling them they're broccoli.
( , Thu 24 May 2012, 11:36, Reply)

( , Thu 24 May 2012, 0:19, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

You anti-social cunt. I'm glad you don't live near me.
( , Wed 23 May 2012, 19:47, Reply)

that has been left to grow too high? If you want to trim it down to about 6ft, say, for easy maintenance, trim it to 5ft instead and then let new growth fill the top 12". This means that there will be no thick stems and branches at the top of the tree thus making it easier to maintain with a hedge trimmer.
( , Wed 23 May 2012, 17:02, Reply)

by putting them in the same bowl as some apples.
( , Wed 23 May 2012, 10:46, Reply)

By getting kneecapped by the IRA.
( , Tue 22 May 2012, 17:31, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

playing chess outside a pub does not make you look like an intellectual bohemian it makes you look like a cunt
( , Tue 22 May 2012, 14:50, Reply)

Hey presto! A freshly cunted fuck called a shitcunt!
( , Tue 22 May 2012, 12:34, Reply)

By sprinkling it liberally with radioactive waste and growth hormones.
( , Tue 22 May 2012, 0:43, Reply)

By sprinkling Oramorph onto it before serving.
This has the added advantage of keeping the little goits quiet.
( , Mon 21 May 2012, 17:46, Reply)

by sprinkling it liberally with grated parmesan before serving.
( , Mon 21 May 2012, 10:45, Reply)

Have you just foolishly bought a pack of low-quality pencils from a supermarket, possibly one whose name rhymes with Borrisons? Are you now stuck with 40 of the useless fuckers, each of whose graphite seems to be broken at centimetre intervals down the length of the twat, meaning that whenever you try to sharpen the little cunt, as soon as you get what looks like a useable nib, it drops out of the pencil and you have to sharpen it again?
Fear not: Rather than using your normal pencil-sharpener, get one of those that has two sizes, small and big. Use the larger sharpener on the shitty bastard pencil. This will lead to a wider nib which tapers more quickly, able to hold the poxiest of graphite fragments in place.
Alternatively, insert each pencil up your arse in turn, then post them all back to Borrisons in an envelope marked 'Free Gift'.
( , Fri 18 May 2012, 14:57, 1 reply, 13 years ago)

By continually staring at them through a visible gap in your lounge curtains.
( , Thu 17 May 2012, 12:44, Reply)

By naming your daughter 'Neeamhher' but spelling it 'neve'
I mean how does 'niamh' get pronounced like that?
( , Thu 17 May 2012, 1:13, 5 replies, latest was 13 years ago)
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