Delight your friends, by simply changing the appearance of their mouse cursor to a willy.
Then make all their Icons look like Ann Widdecome.
( skeltonator Needs some new daps., Mon 19 Nov 2012, 2:36, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Don't join any messageboards...
...or you'll instantly regret your choice of username, reasons for joining, and posting shite like this.
(NecroMage crippled autism on, Sat 17 Nov 2012, 22:27, Reply)

blocked ears?
Use something like warm olive oil to soften the wax for half hour or so and then squirt warm water in to you ear with one of those plastic syringes they use for kids medicines. Worked great for me when I woke up deaf in one ear. Lumps of wax like peas fell out. Unfortunately I can now hear my children.
( Peej, Sat 17 Nov 2012, 8:14, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

Don`t send e-mail outside your company network if it is too urgent to put a stamp on and post..
There is a thing called a telephone, then you know someone has the information and when. Some people are paid to keep mail whizzing around in a matter of 10`s of minutes inside the company network, outside depends on how busy them internets are and how important them gel hairs make external mail. Sending at 5pm ON A FRIDAY and running away is safe because they`ll get it by 5.30, wont they?
Like feck they will!
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Fri 16 Nov 2012, 20:10, 1 reply, 12 years ago)

highlight the plight of the internet bullied and downtrodden
by threatening people with real life violence. threaten them with a baseball bat, that should drive your point home!
( mark morrisons prison shoes I love Willie, Fri 16 Nov 2012, 11:56, Reply)

Lighten the tone of sombre events like funerals or inquests
by issuing the invites/summons in multi-coloured Comic Sans.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 15 Nov 2012, 10:50, Reply)

when taking Pui Fan Lee on an aeroplane...
...remember that she is officially classed as hand luggage, and must be stored in the overhead compartment.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Thu 15 Nov 2012, 10:37, Reply)

Stuck for a Top Tip?
Go back and nick somebody else's from this morning
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 14 Nov 2012, 19:42, Reply)

Stuck for a Top Tip
Go back and nick somebody else's from a couple of minutes ago
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 14 Nov 2012, 11:50, Reply)

Stuck for a Top Tip
Go back and nick somebody else's from a couple of hours ago
(thefuckestuppest cheapened this, on, Wed 14 Nov 2012, 11:40, Reply)

Stuck for a Top Tip
Go back and nick somebody else's from the 13 Nov 2012 or so.
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Wed 14 Nov 2012, 2:33, Reply)

Stuck for a Top Tip
Go back and nick somebody else's from 2008 or so.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 17:45, Reply)

Try the Korean meatballs.
They're the dog's bollocks!
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 17:44, Reply)

 
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 13 Nov 2012, 11:48, Reply)

Perform the ultimate outflanking strategic chess move of all time
by unplugging Deep Blue just as it's about to rook your porn to the queen's 69.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 13 Nov 2012, 1:02, Reply)

Two carrot slices on a toothpick...
...makes and ideal dumbbell for a fitness obsessed hamster.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sat 10 Nov 2012, 22:36, Reply)

Eating one guinea pig on holiday in Peru is A Very Bad Thing
Fisting a gopher live on kids' TV on a daily basis is apparently fine...
(sarcastic fringehead feet of clay, buns of steel, head of lettuce, Fri 9 Nov 2012, 19:09, Reply)

Add a new dimension when relistening to the music of your youth.
By feeding the headphone wire up your left sleeve and sitting in front of a maths textbook.

Left handed people can use their right sleeve.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 8 Nov 2012, 11:21, Reply)

search is broken

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 8 Nov 2012, 8:00, Reply)

Make people think that you're driving a BMW...
By skidding all over the place when it snows.
( Vambo, Wed 7 Nov 2012, 13:33, Reply)

Men...
Never, ever use any shower gel that has a very minty fragrance to wash your bell-end. Unless you want your missus to have minty fresh breath after a game of 'Hide the Sausage'
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Tue 6 Nov 2012, 13:50, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Shoehorn the innuendo
"I've had no problems in THAT department" into conversation by being an excellent store manager at Debenhams.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 5 Nov 2012, 8:01, Reply)

Make people think that you're driving a BMW...
...by never using your indicators.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Sun 4 Nov 2012, 7:49, 3 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Sparkling Wine
Always put a tea towel or cloth over the cork of a bottle of sparkling wine, champagne etc. BEFORE you attempt to undo the wire cork retainer thingy. I took a bottle of Asti out of a cupboard, it had not been disturbed for a long time, I was undoing the wire and the cork flew out and missed my fiancee's face by a couple of inches. There did not seem to be any tension on the wire as I undid it but it went off suddenly.
(Mackeson_drinker, Sat 3 Nov 2012, 10:56, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Make your own bat...
...by building a tiny hang glider for a rat.
(NoStrings Tastes like zombies!!, Fri 2 Nov 2012, 18:41, Reply)

Avoid offending people when insulting them by saying "Just joking!".
If on the internet, use "(joke)".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 1 Nov 2012, 10:00, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)

Become a millionaire
by thinking of a great practical idea for a new product that no-one else has though of yet, then organising the financing, manufacturing, distribution and marketing while successfully defending your patent
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 31 Oct 2012, 19:32, Reply)

Gentlemen!
Prevent your womenfolk from becoming confused and befuddled by taking all decisions for them!
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 31 Oct 2012, 18:53, Reply)

Make people think you're clever by having a degree.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 31 Oct 2012, 17:18, Reply)

Make people think you're cleverer than you are
by filling in the answers to a crossword as fast as you can using the quick clues but crossing out the questions on the cryptic side.
(Paolo Nutini's Bikini Better than Frederick Fleet's optometrist, Tue 30 Oct 2012, 13:45, 2 replies, latest was 12 years ago)