The one way to stop hiccups is to
hold your breathe for 50 seconds exactly.
(__, Sun 25 Feb 2007, 0:13, Reply)

avoid getting a crap job
Want to avoid getting a crap job when you leave school, living a life of poverty and having kids that smell of baked beans?

Simply listen to your teacher, do your homework and revise for your exams.

Hey presto, no need to sponge off the state, wear fake Burberry, have a crap house or die young because your dietary habits were appalling.
(Monkey Festerer, Sat 24 Feb 2007, 11:04, Reply)

Sneezing again
Another way to stop yourself sneezing is to think about the back of your neck. I didn't believe it when I first heard it but, by jove, it really works. I often catch myself thinking about the back of my neck from time to time. Just to stave off any rogue sneezes waiting to strike. Nowt worse than sneezing in your other half's face during sex, yet the thought of one's own neck isn't condusive to orgasm. Unless, of course, you have a very sexy neck, in which case I should very much like to see it! Deirdre Barlow has one hell of a neck. It's a monster, although, like so many things in life, I imagine it's not quite so bad from the back.
(stusut79, Fri 23 Feb 2007, 10:03, Reply)

Emergency PLB
The personal locator beacon (PLB) will activate upon contact with sea water.

However the PLB will not work under water, you will need to raise your arm to the highest point, though this may be impractible for long periods.
(onlynik, Thu 22 Feb 2007, 16:56, Reply)

Piccadilly Line Commuters
Make the nation's capital a marginally more bearable place by remembering that the thing you're striving with murderous determination to reach is actually just a fucking job, that the global economy won't stutter to a halt if you land at your desk 15 minutes late, and that your manager is painfully aware that your reliance on London Transport means your arrival times will be at best wildly erratic, and any faint hope of sustained punctuality is frankly pie in the fucking sky, instead of harbouring a pathological hatred of anyone who has the staggering audacity to attempt to board a train at roughly the same time as you without first demonstrating, under laboratory conditions, a deep and profound insight into the innermost workings and vaguest subtleties of a huge and unfamiliar city's gargantuan and barely-functional public transport system.
(Monkey Tennis isn't Spartacus, Thu 22 Feb 2007, 12:30, Reply)

Can't find a Top Tip to post on the QOTW?
Go to the Viz website and nick one, there are loads!
( LimeyTreat Bitch. Lover. Child. Mother. Sinner. Saint., Wed 21 Feb 2007, 17:19, Reply)

Jukebox
Save money on those new computer-database touchscreen jukeboxes! Gosh!

The options are (usually:
- Play a song that's already on the database for 50p
- Play 3 songs already on the database for £1
- Download a new track for £1 and play it
- Download and play 3 tracks for £2

Basically, if you've not fallen asleep yet, and if you care, you can download and play two new tracks, and play an existing song, all for £1, which would normally cost you £2.50.

Put a pound in and choose a song that already exists on the database. You should then get the option to "play 3 for £1". Press this button, then search for your 2 new tracks to download, and choose "add". You'll get all three for a pound, and you'll only have to pay 50p to hear your new songs from now on.

Useful for all those that are skint and want to hear decent music on a shitty student database instead of fucking Chesney Hawkes and fucking Cleopatra, comin' atcha.
(Hammer Time, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 23:35, Reply)

Ladies, avoid bad feeling by using a single consistent judgement framework.
If four beers is "Drunk" then 4 bottles of wine with a girlfriend is not "just being sociable". If the latter is held to be true then 4 pints on the same scale is being "aloof, but not unapproachable or unfriendly".

Or, if you hold to the former then the wine intake is then "dribblingly, incontinently, pissed out out of your fucking gourd".
Thank you.
(tootired Is searching for a funny sig, nothing good so far, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 17:06, Reply)

Just started a new job?
Try changing your clothes at least every couple of days and possibly washing from time to time.

Wearing the exact same thing and obviously not washing for two weeks will not create the right first impression.

Hope the new guy's reading this!
(isotope23 accident free since, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 11:48, Reply)

Tip for British expansion.
To open up a vast new area for expansion, reclaim your rightful ownership of the USA.
We made a mistake, ask forgiveness, and are ready to rejoin our British cousins as one country.

Please hurry!
(barrycounty, Tue 20 Feb 2007, 4:43, Reply)

typical interview question
'What is your biggest weakness'

Only you can guage if it's appropriate to answer any of the following in your actual interview.

1. "Kryptonite"
2. "Perfectionism"
3. "Blonde hookers"

or my own personal answer-

4. "Your IT system looks slightly unfamiliar to me at the moment but I tend to pick up these things pretty quickly when I start at a new job."

All or none of the above may be suitable but don't ever have NO answer- just staring dumbly , slack-jawed at your interviewers while your brain closes down and you look like a dimwit does not help you nail that job interview.

Oh, and if it's an American blue-collar company, lie and say "Jesus' love for us all". JC is a polarising force in the US and you probably have a 66% chance of hitting the right note.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 20 Feb 2007, 0:55, Reply)

AS someonewho doesn't want to be seen as a twat by all around you at a busy club bar (and potentially opening yourself up to getting clocked by a burly gorilla in the same establishment)
Instead of leaning forwards and yelling your order at a bar person while waving the biggest denomination note you have in your wallet in front of their bored disinterested eyes as they sweep by to see the rightful next customer, instead quietly indicate with a discreet point who *is* actually next and after 2 or 3 goes the bar person recognises you for being honest and jumps you up the legitimate order because you aren't being an offensive boorish twat.

This works.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Tue 20 Feb 2007, 0:44, Reply)

attention fellow southerners
dont forget to fit lids to your flood buckets, otherwise the water will evaporate before the banning season.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Mon 19 Feb 2007, 22:23, Reply)

Teachers get far too many holidays !
Or isn't it you that gets far too few ?

Jealousy will eat you up in the end- bwhahahaaaaaaaa!
(CatPeeFactor, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 23:23, Reply)

Southern shandy-drinking girls party dresses
could easily avoid their whinging about water shortages and hosepipe bans during the Summer by filling up their buckets in advance during the Winter floods !
(CatPeeFactor, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 23:20, Reply)

If you hate cold callers as much as me
simply tell them to hold as their call really is important to you, place the handset next to the radio ideally tuned to a station playing something nauseatingly crap, then feck off and make a cuppa for at least fifteen mins. Bingo!
(CatPeeFactor, Fri 16 Feb 2007, 23:10, Reply)

Want to save money?
Don't buy a ps3
(ditfart7, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 19:50, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Want to turn money into piss?
Then become an alcoholic.
(samgasm, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 18:55, Reply)

ALWAYS poo at work...
... you save money on toilet paper AND you're getting paid to do it! :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 16:17, Reply)

Apples
are the best cure for coffee breath
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 16:09, Reply)

Call centres
A simple way to stop getting those sale calls, for those that don't already know; call the Telephone Preference Service (0845 07 007 07) or visit their website. (http://www.tpsonline.org.uk/tps/)

Or, if you'd like a little fun, why not enter the number of a call centre into any form you fill in and tick the box that says you want lots of phone calls? I suggest 01326 371500 but you may prefer to use one that's been left on your answerphone by some sad drone who's dead inside from their soul destroying job.
That used to be me. But the cnuts fired me.
(greenycrimson I stole the from pyschotherapist, Thu 15 Feb 2007, 11:30, Reply)

If you ever meet someone you hate...
Punch Them.
Really Hard.
In The Face.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 20:35, Reply)

A solution to crying while cutting onions (finally!).
Hate it when you have to chop up onions for the dip, but always wind up crying? Next time, try chewing some gum--it'll prevent the weepiness
(Mademoiselle Dustman picked a bouquet of oopsie daisies for you on, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 20:17, Reply)

Economy Fire Extinguishers
Save time and money by replacing your fire extinguisher with a plastic bag full of water over your chip pan. Should a fire occur, the plastic will melt, extinguishing the flames...

Evelcyclops
(Dundee)
(EvelcyclopS, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 19:50, 2 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Economy Fire Extinguishers
I have been informed by the Tayside fire services, that the best way to extinguish a chip pan fire is to use a slightly damp cloth

EvelcyclopS
(Ninewells Burns Ward
Dundee)
(EvelcyclopS, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 19:47, Reply)

Infrequent visitors to London...
Why not use the Picadilly Line during morning rush hour and guarantee the affection of your fellow travellers by wandering aimlessly onto the platform before stopping dead right in the way of the 50 people behind you who actually have jobs to go to.

Or you could just fuck off.

/disengage rant mode
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 12:40, Reply)

Dog Owners
Avoid having to tidy up dog mess when out and about, by feeding your dog condoms. Therefore producing the offending turds in little bags...
(likeajackhammer, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 9:27, Reply)

Women..
Stop saying that all men are arseholes, when in fact all the men YOU have been out with are arseholes and you are therefore an arsehole magnet...

PS your bum DOES look big in that
(likeajackhammer, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 9:26, Reply)

Avoid lengthy deliberations
by immediately hitting anyone who disagrees with you
(likeajackhammer, Wed 14 Feb 2007, 9:20, Reply)