Bath time
Don't eat soup before you have a bath, you'll go down the plughole.

Thanks for that one Nan, a fine piece of advice if ever I did hear one.
(BrianFork, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 17:35, Reply)

Save a fortune at the hotel bar.
When ordering your first drink pay attention to the other customers. Note which room & name they charge it to.

Continue to charge all further drinks/food to that room. Check out early next morning and pay in cash :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 12:46, Reply)

Make the most of your lunch hour
By eating lunch at your desk whilst "working" then take a full hour off away from your desk to enjoy without the inconvenience of using it up eating.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 12:40, Reply)

Single Mums!
Avoid having Social Services turn up and take away your kids by not shacking up with people who have criminal tendencies.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 12:25, Reply)

Drum up spare cash
by selling stuff on ebay you don't actually have. Then claim to have sent it while enjoying the proceeds.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 12:19, Reply)

If you follow through...
... don't think "Oh well" and then relax, pee will follow. You can deal with poo-pants but you just cant hide wetting yourself.

NB: This tip mostly of use to the under 7's and over 70's.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 12:17, Reply)

When on a second date
with a girl you're desperately trying to impress, avoid the potential embarrassment of being caught stark bollock naked by her flatmate, urinating all over her ironing board, by going for a piss in the bathroom instead. * **


* may be cross-post / on wrong thread
** assume lazy cut'n'paste onto sleepwalking QOTW
(Nefarious Moose went back into lurk mode at, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 12:13, Reply)

Create modern art
By making a circle of super glue on a piece of canvas, then empty a tub of insects inside the circle.

Marvel at the pattern as they scarper for the edges only to get stuck within a few inches of the glue.

Once dry, hang on the wall.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 11:58, Reply)

Too much debt?
A chav's guide to getting out of debt:


Spend less money in the first place
Sell the crap you bought and got into debt over
Don't spend all your money on fags, booze, sky tv, petrol, drugs & shellsuits.
A mobile phone only needs to phone people, you don't need the latest £300 brick to do that.
Get a job, you'll never pay anything off on benefits
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 11:53, Reply)

Weddings
Avoid highly expensive weddings in the UK by going on holiday somewhere nice like Australia and just get hitched on the spur of the moment somewhere naturally pretty.

I was in Australia and didn't. This cost me over £10k on my return to the UK to "recreate" what would have cost me less than £200 down under.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 11:46, Reply)

I blame the Government
Builders: don't try cleaning paint off an "In case of fire, break glass" panel with a chisel.


(Having had our building evacuated for the third time in a week because someone actually did this, I can tell you that it's a very good tip).
(Steve The Monkey, Wed 29 Aug 2007, 11:45, Reply)

2 simple tips for the everyday man/woman/shemale
when pleasuring a larger lady invite your friends along, grab hold of the woman and see how long you can hang on for when she sees them and tries 2 escape. top tip is suggest doggy style...you can get a good grip whilst on her back.

if you hear a noise coming from your parents room NEVER investigate...even if they are being murdered, you just cant risk it!
(razz87, Tue 28 Aug 2007, 14:26, Reply)

Don't do it
Don't scratch your rectum with a nail file. No matter how itchy it is.
(beirtipol, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 22:00, Reply)

To avoid sleepwalking...
have your legs amputated. If you then sleepcrawl, at least you don't wander to far from home.
(barrycounty, Thu 23 Aug 2007, 14:17, Reply)

This could just save your life!
I'm sure I'm not just speaking for myself here, fellow B3tards, but every now and again I experience a strange, inexplicable sensation in my abdomen area that can only be described as 'rumbling'. This can sometimes occur up to 2 or 3 times a day (approximately), and I find that if ignored, I can be prone to suffer after-effects such as weakness and lethargy.
After extensive research and testing I have discovered a quite phenomenal antidote to this condition that almost immediately resolves my ailment. There is a new-fangled substance called 'food', which comes in a veritable plethora of varieties and forms of solidity, most of which appear in conjunction with alternating effects on the sensory apparatus on your tongue (important note here, some seem to be pleasant, some not so – be careful if experimenting).
Once ingested orally, this so-called 'food' can possess marvelous restoration properties of health and vigor, whilst simultaneously removing the (sometimes embarrassing) audible discomfort in your crap-factory.
Further studies have shown that this miracle substance actually sustains and prolongs life in a more advanced way than the ingestion of almost any other solids can - particulalry wood, pebbles, glass etc.

I would particularly recommend ‘food’ to those of a particularly dramatic slender build as prolonged dosages appear to have a prolific effect on the body mass index of those participating.

In short…Top tip for anorexics...When your thighs are thinner than your knees, start eating fucking cakes again
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Tue 21 Aug 2007, 16:57, Reply)

annoy your friends
When someone's just about to sneeze, say "bless you" just before they release. This will cause them not to sneeze but be left with the pent-up about-to-sneeze feeling without getting the full release.

My ex-girlfriend used to delight in doing this to me and it's incredibly annoying,
(pmsc, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 16:12, Reply)

Hmm... Not Sure If This Count As A Top Tip...
Well... This story could have been used for many a past QOTW. The tip: Never, ever get confused and brush your teeth with a toilet brush.

Bit of background to go with that pearl of wisdom? Eh, why not. A friend, who shall remain nameless (He's bigger than me and i am a mere frightened mouse around him)... Ah sod it. Let's call him Rob. Anyway, said friend, went out on a New Years Eve, and well, as you can imagine, ended up completely blathered. To say the least. And completely and utterly off his rocker on many different substances, the naughty boy. Interestingly, when he threw up there were all the colours of the rainbow...

I digress. Anyway, after said boozing and drug-taking had occured, Rob decided to head to bed. And brush his teeth first (He only does it while wrecked, ya'see). In his trashed state he picks up the fucking TOILET BRUSH, put's a WHOLE TUBE of tooth paste on it and tries brushing his teeth with it.. We have pictures, somewhere. Muppet. So yes. There is the story of the tip. Hurrah. You... Wake up. Yes. Pay attention boy!

P.S. Thankfully one of our friends was a kind enough soul to stop him after a few minutes, the rest of us evil people were doubled up trying not to pass out from laughter exhaustion.

I know this should probably be in another QOTW, but.. Well. There we are. And. First post. First of many perhaps. Long live Teh Cow.

Eh... Length, standard poo-brushing utensil. Ha, Ha, Hush Cow.
(TheIllusionaryCow Is Slowly Being Grilled By Imaginary People On, Tue 21 Aug 2007, 9:07, Reply)

dead?
ring arthur sodgeham, middlesex, and our fiat 850 will be round within the hour to take the corpse away.




free half bottle of champaigne for every certified stiff.
(Slappywag live at the manchester academy, Sat 18 Aug 2007, 23:55, Reply)

Posting something new?
And can't be arsed to carefully read some mindbogglingly huge number of pages to make sure it is? Well, those awfully nice people at Google have already read the whole site (and I bet their eyes are bleeding now). Anyhow, if you're not sure if your nice new content is new, like a QOTW suggestion or something, you can go to Google and put what you want to post in the search box, followed by "site:b3ta.com". That'll make sure that Google's magical search goblins only look at this site. If there's no results, then feel free to spooge the contents of your brain all over the face of the board! You won't make a fool of yourself on here (probably) after an accidental roasted pea.

Enjoy, and here's to your future, Google-proofed, posty goodness!
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Sat 18 Aug 2007, 11:57, Reply)

Recruitment consultants!
Save wasted time and effort by just jumping off high buildings.
(><(((">, Sat 18 Aug 2007, 10:12, Reply)

Recruitment consultants!
Save wasted time and effort by bothering to read a candidate's CV in the first place. Or get a grown-up to read it for you.
(><(((">, Sat 18 Aug 2007, 10:10, Reply)

Recruitment consultants!
Save wasted time and effort by not phoning candidates about jobs in Edinburgh who are looking for jobs in London.
(><(((">, Sat 18 Aug 2007, 10:09, Reply)

Recruitment consultants!
Save wasted time and effort by only phoning candidates who are looking for a job now, not ones who got one 5 years ago.
(><(((">, Sat 18 Aug 2007, 10:08, Reply)

Bad A-level grades?
Don't worry, nobody will ever know - only the posh kids ever get put on telly or in the papers at results time. And they've all passed anyway.
(><(((">, Sat 18 Aug 2007, 10:04, Reply)

Good A-level grades?
Congratulations, now go and get a f***ing job.
(><(((">, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 14:13, Reply)

Real poor?
You have a party coming up soon and you are to poor to pay for a karaoke machine, not to worry all you have to do is switch on your tv, go on to music channels like kiss, bubble hits and all the other crap ones. Then all you need to do now is stick on the subtitles and there you go free karaoke machine.
(Monoball, Thu 16 Aug 2007, 0:31, Reply)

Tube Trumps
Want to sneak a filthy sulphuric air-biscuit out on the Underground? Do it near me. I'll blush like a lunatic and everyone will think it's me.

Well done to the lady or gentleman who achieved just that this morning.

*blushes again*
(Mozchops ... just not in the face, Wed 15 Aug 2007, 8:57, Reply)

Fuck ugly?
Bad luck.
(HNGTHDJ, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 18:00, Reply)

Aussie conman?
Can't sell your expensive and fraudulent weight loss pills? No worries sport! Just give your enterprise some credibility by selling a few flats to Cherie Blair.
(><(((">, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 13:33, Reply)

trying to lose weight?
I believe that the correct way to lose weight, especially on a treadmill is to point it in a westerly direction.

You see running against the spin of the earth, it burns more of those pesky calories...

Useful tip for your weight loss needs.
(ubergingerspaceninjer last watched you sleep on, Tue 14 Aug 2007, 12:49, Reply)