Internet Service Providers
Rather than spending out on expensive infrastructure and technically able and competent staff to meet customers satisfaction, just employ a load of cheap phone monkeys on a premium phone line and give the punters the run around until they fuck off...

Then spend the cash on huge advertising campaigns to recruit even more suckers!

Love,
Rupert Murdoch / Richard Branson xx
(Phlash, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 11:51, Reply)

be on time
Be sure to have your question of the week answer to mind as soon as you sit in front of your computer, otherwise when you reply you might find that the question is closed. Leading to much frustration and gnashing of teeth.

Flange.
(lympicita_ie, Thu 1 Nov 2007, 11:34, 1 reply, 14 years ago)

Man United fans!
Take advantage of declining house prices. Move to Manchester.
(><(((">, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 23:07, Reply)

England
Got a miscreant that is totally worthless to your country? Send them to England, the World's Prison.

First Post! =D
(Eo1spy is reversing the polarity on, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 21:47, Reply)

Only bother to check for top tips updates when the new viz comes out

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 28 Oct 2007, 17:45, Reply)

Keith
Your daughter is fat, gobby and can't sing. Please sort her out. Thank you.
(><(((">, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 7:43, Reply)

If youve killed a young girl
Dont, for fuck sake dispose of her tiny dead body in the boot of your rental car.


Fucking Rookies.
(rossydizzle, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 16:25, Reply)

stop snacking, loose weight!
I just chewed on a pink smartie I found in the sofa, only it turned out to be a ibuprofen tablet. I can verify that is a highly effective appetite suppressant.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 23 Oct 2007, 21:07, Reply)

Don't waste money on expensive personalised number plates.
I simply changed my name by deed pole to SV51 CSZ. Voila!
(Just recline and let me service you, Tue 23 Oct 2007, 17:37, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Cold Callers...
When they knock on your door, let them start speaking when you answer it, after about 15seconds just say "I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce and selling up!" they soon scarper! lol


Next time a telesales person calls(i used to be one btw, shit job but good pay and bonuses), don't ask where they got your number from, its always from a licenced data company that have got it from a survey even if you think you havent done one, it'll be somewhere in your past, lol, just politely say your not interested and you would like to be taken off the list, 99% of the time if your polite you will be taken off it, if you are rude, you'll be left on it and called again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and so on.
(mufin_man1987 p u r e F I L T H k i z u k o L E E D S, Tue 23 Oct 2007, 1:42, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

I'd just like to say...
by jove, i think she's got it!
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Sat 20 Oct 2007, 17:54, Reply)

Don't have anything original to say?
Why not take a pop at someone popular on the boards? Legless seems to be flavour of the month, but why stop there - I'm sure you can think of other individuals infinitely more talented than yourselves to randomly flame. After all, it saves you having to think of an interesting story. And it saves us having to read your worthless drivel.

Seriously, it stopped being original 3 QOTW's ago. It's now just fucking boring
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Fri 19 Oct 2007, 1:41, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

bored of cracking one off whilst waiting for the next QOTW
Crack someone else off, giving makes you feel all warm inside, or on the outside of my right leg as ive just found out!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 12:46, Reply)

Bored waiting for the next QOTW?
Crack one off!

(You know who I'm talking to here...)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 18 Oct 2007, 12:35, Reply)

Problem with cold callers at your door?
simply let them in, nip to the kitchen to make them a drink, slip out the back door, ring the old bill and tell them you have burglers in your house!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 12:22, Reply)

Its trick or treat time
Tell the little brats to fuck right off.
(the noggin causes laxative effects, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 12:14, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

I always find...
That pulling the handle on the cistern above the toilet helps rid unwanted poo into the sewerage system.

I can only hope that the cunt who left a massive pile of bangers and mash with a fucking great big alligator sat on top of it in our work bogs, reads this tip.

They've even taught chimpanzees to flush ffs
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 18 Oct 2007, 12:13, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

motorists..
Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 12:13, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Youths
Enjoy subjecting others to the dire, tinny, pisspoor excuse for music from your mobile instead of wearing headphones?

Shove the phone violently up your arse, the acoustics will make the music sound better, honestly!
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 11:25, Reply)

Does your counrty..
have a paedofile problem?

Lower the age of consent to 12, hey presto!
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 11:12, Reply)

Feeling
Tired all the time? always hungry, no get up and go?, single? and depressed?

Its cos you are a fat lazy cunt, now lose some weight and get a life
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 11:02, 1 reply, 17 years ago)

Youngsters
Wearing skinny fit jeans halfway down your arse?

Pull your bloody trousers up! I don't want to see your pants and you won't look quite so much of an immature little tit that can't dress themselves properly.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 10:56, 3 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

Jeans slightly too small?
Or are you a bit tubby but wearing hipsters?

Muffin tops are great.

But only if you have the good fortune to have been born a muffin.

On people... no. Try buying clothes that fit instead.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 18 Oct 2007, 10:39, 1 reply, 16 years ago)

Always win insurance disputes
ALWAYS keep a bottle of Whiskey in the car.

If you ever have an crash, console the other driver and offer some whiskey to calm their nerves...then call the police!

They will instantly fail the breathalizer test...
and you will be off scott free!
(BJCDLL, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 22:26, Reply)

QOTW Posters.
Make your story more popular by speling it coreectly, writing in proper sentences and actually elaborating on your stories.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 22:17, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

About 12, have no life experience and can't spell?
Go and post on some teenage site about your spots and wanking and stop posting on b3ta, I'm sick of wading through shite to get to the genuine (mostly) good stuff.
( randomwomanwholikespink, Tue 16 Oct 2007, 19:10, 2 replies, latest was 17 years ago)

keep hold ups sticking to leg
by licking index finger and running it around the rubber grip before twanging it to your upper thigh. Prevents embaressing 'roll down' moments in public places.
Unless you like that kind of thing of course.
(zookie, Mon 15 Oct 2007, 0:36, 1 reply, 17 years ago)