Sex toy storage
Can't get your drawer closed due to it being full of marital aids? You can save space by placing your cockrings onto your dildo, and storing your dildo inside your fleshlight.
(Spaff_Quaffer Wise fwom your gwave., Wed 24 Feb 2010, 10:16, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Worried that the new series of Doctor Who will be crap
and Matt Smith is too young to play the Doctor and Steven Moffat will RUIN the programme beyond repair, leading to cancellation?

Simply purchase or download Time And The Rani*, watch it, and relax. It could never, EVER, be this bad again.

Could it! Could it? Could it...

Dktr S

*Or Time Flight.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Tue 23 Feb 2010, 13:38, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Feeling Fat?
Make sure to eat all the food in your biscuit tin NOW! Delaying eating the biscuits will result in extra calories on a future date, and its highly unlikely you'll buy biscuits ever again.
*sighs*
(muzzvsworld, Sun 21 Feb 2010, 8:14, Reply)

People with beards:
Do not attempt to trim your beard with blunt scissors when you are drunk.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 19 Feb 2010, 23:35, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Turning a door handle when shutting any/every door late at night
will stop it sounding like a small explosion.


You cunt.


(This trick is best employed in conjunction with that other long-forgotten skill, "Committing to memory all the things you need from a place before making the journey")
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 17 Feb 2010, 13:24, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Busty amateur wife.
Make some more videos.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 18:52, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Avoid fouling the air
in someone's bathroom, by crapping into the cistern.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 18:44, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Changing at Baker Street without permission
may cause you to end up sleeping in the spare room.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 18:42, 4 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Who says crime doesn't pay?
The other day I drove my car into a load of kids waiting for the school bus and I was rewarded with flashing colours and voices in my head.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 18:36, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Noisy, over-amerous next door neighbours disturbing you
Beat them at their own game. You'll need two vibrators. It's best if your vibe is getting a bit worse for wear, so go buy a replacement. Now, take the old one, split it open and remove the vibrating bullet. This is the engine. You will not believe how much of the energy the rubber covering actually absorbs rather than being channeled into the lady's magic button.

Now, make sure your lady-partner is comfy, and then you insert the new vibe inside whilst using the vibrating bullet on the bald man in the boat. Get it right, and she'll drown out any noises made by the neighbours.

Though remember blokes, it might be wise to invest in some waterproofs or at least put a towel down.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 15 Feb 2010, 18:33, 11 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Noisy, over-amerous next door neighbours disturbing you?
Very gradually turn your stero louder and louder and louder...

Then suddenly turn it off.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 14 Feb 2010, 19:21, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Stomping about the house bitching about how cold you are won't make you any warmer.
Put another jumper on and shut the fuck up.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Fri 12 Feb 2010, 17:12, Reply)

If you can't find any air freshener
Then open a window you daft cunt.
(zebby wasting irony here on, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:59, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

If you buy three bars of chocolate in order to make some chocolate buns
Then make the buns, don't keep munching away at it or you'll end up with none left when your mrs decides she'll make them instead.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 13:49, Reply)

If you can't find any air freshener
Then do not, on any account, decide that spraying scented furniture polish around the place will provide an acceptible substitute. This goes double when one has laminate floors. Particularly so if, for example, you've chosen to freshen the place up for your friend and his heavily pregnant wife to come and visit.

Pregnant women, it turns out, are very graceful on surfaces akin to polished glass.
(Light, Wed 10 Feb 2010, 0:13, Reply)

Trying to pull girls
Whenever trying to pull, never say, "You look just like my sister."

Just Don't. Trust me.
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Mon 8 Feb 2010, 4:03, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Painting Bathrooms
When painting a bathroom, either put a dustsheet down (carpeted floor), or mop the floor before you start if you have tiles or lino. If you mop the floor, the floor is damp, and if any paint drips from your brush/the ceiling/the wall, you can wipe it up at the end because the paint can't dry onto the floor
( RossThePiper Stretch Armstrong is my Father, Sun 7 Feb 2010, 20:52, 8 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

When you're having a cigarette outside someplace
exhale upwards. It's easy. Stick out your bottom lip a little. There you go, now people won't complain about us smoking outside the shop!
(Floz Nietsnezolf doesn't have photoshop, Sat 6 Feb 2010, 19:57, Reply)

Modern Day Male Pornstars
Why not wait until you are on the brink of ejaculating before withdrawing from your cinematic partner, that way your audience won't be put off their vinegar strokes by having to watch ten minutes of you trying to crack one off.
(Cochise, Fri 5 Feb 2010, 0:51, Reply)

Impress the internet
By portraying youself as really cool, hard and popular. For added giggles, hold forthright opinions.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Feb 2010, 11:31, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Tired of
the pain of frostbite because you forget foorwear when walking/running in snow or on ice?

Tie a large red balloon to each big toe as a reminder to look at your feet before venturing out into the blowing, drifting snow.
(barrycounty, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 16:53, Reply)

Computer shenanigans
If a co-worker ever asks you for help because they're looking at a document that's upside down, instead of going for the boring Rotate option in the software application, simply press CTRL+ALT+down arrow, and slink off as they thank you for helping them.

By the time they realise their entire screen is upside down and their mouse pointer's going the wrong way, you'll be next door sniggering like an eight year old
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 15:49, 6 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Give the illusion that a cat is trying to impress you
by leaving a dead mouse on your doorstep every day
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 12:50, 2 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Wearing a mask
can help you avoid mesothelioma when hanging asbestos based wallpaper.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:20, Reply)

Naighbours giving you trouble?
By wallpapering the adjoining wall with asbestos you can burn their house down without affecting your own property.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 3 Feb 2010, 9:18, Reply)

Misery avoidance
Ensure you are never surrounded by a housefull of completely useless, wildly expensive tat by avoiding computer/credit card combo when blotto.
For similar reasons, avoid churches, registry offices and women.
(shinypurplebit booked his tickets (yay) on, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 23:20, 1 reply, 15 years ago)

Fancy going for a meal?
Then go here www.bluebellweaverthorpe.com/ which can be found here tinyurl.com/bluebellinn

I've just come back after a three course meal plus coffee. It works out about £30 a head plus drinks, but the food is truly exquisite.

Not spamming, just a recommendation
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 23:05, 3 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

webmaster people
Create a sense of consistency on your website by either keeping an /all feature on a forum, or getting rid of the 'see the popular posts' on an image challenge section as any concerns over vote-rigging would surely apply to either.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 2 Feb 2010, 22:48, Reply)

Ladies - getting ready to go out?
Can't decide what to wear and think you might need to bother your partner whilst he's watching the footy? Simply try an item on, think back to when you first bought it and ask yourself 3 simple questions. Did you like it then? "Yes". Did it look good on you? "Yes". Did it make you look fat? "Of course not, that's why you bought it in the first place". Problem solved: proceed with dressing.
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Mon 1 Feb 2010, 10:30, 5 replies, latest was 15 years ago)