Gentlemen!
Start your engines!
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 6:54, Reply)

.
Man who goes through airport turnstyle sideways is going to Bangkok.
(IHaveTheRightToArmBears, Wed 6 Dec 2006, 1:56, Reply)

tired of getting unsolicted phonecalls?
I used to work for a market resurch company re: calling people up and asking them to do surveys. As you dont try and sell stuff or ask for bank details you are allowed to use a sistem of random dialling that will bypass BT callminder and ex-directory listing.

However dont dispair, as the companies that collect the data are only interested in talking to households. So if you get called and asked to do a survey, politley explain that you are actually an office or public call box. As soon as they hear this they will IMMEDATELY BLACKLIST your number and you will not be called back by the same company.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 23:20, Reply)

Gents!
"What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?" is a sure-fire way to guarantee a little slap and tickle.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 23:03, Reply)

Men!
When asked whether items of female clothing enlarge certain parts of the male body, honesty is never the best policy.
( Want Bartender Time gentlemen please.., Tue 5 Dec 2006, 22:55, Reply)

.
Man who jizzes in cash register comes into money
(alwyn Professional Whittler since:, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 22:35, Reply)

Absoloute Guarnateed Hiccup cure
Decapitation.

Works every time, and you'll never get them again.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Tue 5 Dec 2006, 22:27, Reply)

Tiger Balm
MistaFeesh,

Same happened to my mate, also called Fish. I told him that it was an anaesthetic and got him to rub two fingerfuls into each eyelid. Went blind for about 20 mins which meant I had plenty of time to both piss myself laughing and then effect a getaway.


Another toptip is to leave a jar of ultrahot chilli sauce where your cheese and tobasco toasty loving mate will see it. Let him make one and stand well back.

work only once but is soooooo worth it.

P.s. Tobasco is 2500 scovilles, Da Bomb is 125,000.
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 22:18, Reply)

Lost the security nut on your car???
...or are you just a thieving bastard?

Either way, the best way to get them off is to get a spare socket just smaller than the size of the nut. Bash the bugger on and it'll grip the smooth "security" nut. Undo as normal and bash the nut out using a big nail through the back of the socket. Okay, it'll probably fuck the socket but hey, you just got a free set of wheels.

Works wonders for me and my mate at the scrappy.

hugs and kisses from BW.
(71 hour Ahmed wasn't working at, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 22:14, Reply)

sore eyes?
If you have sore, itchy eyes - rub a little tiger balm on the skin just beneath them.


I believed that when Scot told me it. Git.
(teasus likes tea, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 20:34, Reply)

Garlic!
When peeling garlic, just rub it between the chopping board and a piece of rubber. The skin comes right off, and the clove is perfectly intact, so no nasty garlickey hand smell!

PS Kudos on the ginger/tablespoon peeling tip. Tried it last night, result!
(RitalinFreak is dying in a clichéd manner, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 20:31, Reply)

Gentlemen
If you're worried about an important dinner, cooked by your good lady wife for your boss, or a potential investor; it's a good idea not to shout out the name of your Mistress when having a nerve-calming shag beforehand.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 19:42, Reply)

If you find yourself on a popular forum for the first time
ALWAYS READ THE FAQ.

Or I will break your nuts with a brick
( AutoPrawn is glad we're living in the future now, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 18:58, Reply)

when sanding a bass/ guitar
use a peice of dowel with sand paper wrapped round to sand the horns it will save hours and although the dust smells like cherry it is actually quite toxic so do not inhale it.
( Sheehan forevermore owes Ttssattsr beer, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 18:25, Reply)

If busting for a piss at a festival
an acoustic guitar makes a handy urinal!
avoid pissing on the strings as it is can cause them to corrode
( Sheehan forevermore owes Ttssattsr beer, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 17:50, Reply)

MACCA!
Worried about the divorce settlement? Make sure she doesnt have a leg to stand on by chopping the other one off.
(luckymcdanger, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 16:47, Reply)

PAEDOS!
Worried about getting caught by the Rozzers when you're grooming your next bit over the net? Always keep a 12 year old boy handy and blame any dodgy messages on him.

Although if you can keep a 12 year old boy handy then you probably wont be in the grooming market.
(luckymcdanger, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 16:40, Reply)

When she...
...starts moaning louder and louder or says "I'm gonna cum!".
Never, EVER, stop to consider what she's said or worse still say "Pardon?".
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Semen in the shower plug hole?
dont run the risk of your semen becoming embroiled and matted into you mothers hair that hangs around the shower plug hole..

Wash your hair AFTER wanking in the shower, the surfactants in shampoo break down the spermatazoons lipid layer and render them much more amenable to flushing away.
(were all dEvO!!, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 15:14, Reply)

Outside
Heard a strange scraping outside, or bang or ghoulish scream? Go outside with only your underwear on and make sure you don't close the door either - you can guarantee that Mr serial killer has snuck in and is about to hack you to death......
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 15:07, Reply)

Midsomer
If you live in or anywhere near Midsomer - as in Midsomer mallow, etc. Then leave. Quickly. Chances are you'll die soon.

Oh, hello Cully, what are you doing here?

(No apologies if you don't get it)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 15:05, Reply)

the best tips that i've seen are
those belonging to the lovely Keeley Hazell.

huh? tips?...dang
(Handel blah blah blah, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 14:58, Reply)

Hiccup Cure
Has your mate got the hiccups?

Cure them by running up to him and kicking him in the crotch as hard as you can.

It might not work, but it'll give you a damn good laugh :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 14:56, Reply)

100% functional hiccups cure
Drink from a glass of water as long as you can while holding your nose and blocking your ears (airtight).

This admittedly requires a little practice if you don't have someone else to hold the glass from you. I've not tried it with a straw...
( wangmaster2000, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 14:39, Reply)

This time next year, Rodders...
Win the National Lottery by using your winnings to invent a time machine so you can go back in time to give yourself the winning numbers.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 14:16, Reply)

Ancient Chinese proverb
When cow jump over moon, watch out for pat on head.
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 13:03, Reply)

If you fall down...
Light a fag. People will think your tired and want a fag. True.
(Formaly Over say's hello, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 13:01, Reply)

Driving
When approaching a tight corner and you realise you're going too fast, don't use your brake to slow down - speed up instead. Your centrifugal forces will aid you around the corner *.

Or dump you deep into a wet, muddy field while wearing your best suit.

True story.

* Might not actually work in some cases.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 12:41, Reply)

Can't sleep?
Can't get to sleep at night because of ambient light, and don't have a sleeping mask handy? Contort yourself into a fetal ball and pull the top hemisphere of your foreskin up over the front of your face. The skin is remarkably pliant and as an added bonus you can thread some stray pubes through your teeth in order to keep the thing snug and secure.
(The Turgid Dahlia, Tue 5 Dec 2006, 12:33, Reply)