I almost stood on a dog-egg this weekend.
Missed it thankfully, but it was a close encounter of the turd kind all the same.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Mon 5 May 2014, 22:03, 1 reply)

Whoop
My memories of this episode are pretty patchy as I can’t have been more than four or five when it happened, but as a generous surprise to my parents, I contrived to catch whooping cough. This came with a free ticket for a several-day stay in hospital, the first twenty-four hours of which were spent in an oxygen tent (which I remember as being a sort of bendy plastic greenhouse). After my condition stabilised a bit, the tent was removed and I got to sleep in my standard hospital bed.

Hospitals at night are a strange place for a child. Whether the room itself was hot or whether I was just running a temperature – probably both, in retrospect -, I had difficulty sleeping and my parents seemed an ocean away. There was an endless hum of subdued chatter and footfalls in the corridor outside my room, and the diodes of assorted machines blinked at irregular intervals. Turning over on the preternaturally white hospital sheets, I stared into the darkness of the corner of the room and let my eyes drift out of focus.

After a moment I saw it: an orange light, dimmer than the lights of the machines but several times larger. For a couple of seconds it stayed still but then began a slow swooping arc upwards, glowed more brightly and seemed to set its eyes on me. I became suddenly aware that it was not growing larger; it was coming towards me. Gripping the bedsheets and unable to take my eyes off this glowing and terrifying insect, I could feel my throat go completely dry and felt another fit of coughing burning its way up my throat, helped by the strange scorched smell that accompanied the light.

As the light neared my bed I felt a much larger presence behind it, darker than the ambient darkness of the room and somehow a source of intense gravity. The light glowed brightly again and the smell of scorching was suffocating me. The dark shape looming next to me made a low sound. “Now then, now then”, it said. “Now then, now then.”
( .Yeti., Mon 5 May 2014, 15:12, 5 replies)

Laying out in the garden one night watching the sky, one of those incredibly clear nights where it seems you can see every bit of the milky way.
Noticed what looked like a bright star travelling across the sky, oh maybe thats the ISS I thought.
But then it stopped, just hung there for a minute or so, then suddenly it zipped very fast to one side,stayed there for a minute then back again, it continued to zigzag and stop across the sky at high speed for a few more minutes, then it turned into 2 separate lights which sped off in opposite directions and vanished,
I dont believe in little green men, but im curious to know what that could have been.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 5 May 2014, 13:57, 1 reply)

I saw something in the sky I couldn't explain

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 5 May 2014, 11:56, 7 replies)

I used to work with a bloke who played one of the pilots in star wars.
Apparently none of it was real and the x fighters were just plastic models.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 5 May 2014, 11:39, 5 replies)

I went to the newsagents when it was John Menzies and not Wh Smith
which it was before it got demolished os we could have a big ol PrimARK. So anyways I was in John Menzies and there was a blonde who worked there who had a bit of the ol mongoloid face going on but was still certainly 'in my league' as cunnts are wont to say. So I was finishing aa shift in the factory putting together plastic toolboxes with my big ol steel toe capped boots and I decides to go and ask her out ona date. Now i haf to say this took a lot of the ol dutch courage as im a right ugly fucker and a perennial punchline to many a birth joke involving slapping and suchlike so the hopes were not in the assendence as you can imagine. So imagine my amazements when i saw a SIGN in the sky! The verry thing to put some girders in a mans step and set the loins to mach whatever. It was ablaze with signifercance and the path to true was open to mine own eyes and so i stepped out with vigour and did my duty and won the day. So she said no and i dint believe in signs fromm the heavens or aliens ever again so im not sure what all that was about.
(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Sun 4 May 2014, 22:35, 5 replies)

I've travelled this old world of ours from Barnsley to Peru
I've had sunshine in the arctic and a swim in Timbuktu
I've seen unicorns in Burma and a Yeti in Nepal
And I've danced with ten foot pygmies in a Montezuma hall
I've met the King of China and a working Yorkshire miner
( Peej, Sun 4 May 2014, 8:08, 18 replies)

Aliens must have abducted QOTW,
it looks like it's lost the last 12 hours
(Plague Hedgehog 'posting crap', Sat 3 May 2014, 22:24, 2 replies)

Hi. I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman.
You might not remember me from such movies as "While You Were Sleeping" and "Twister". Wait, was I in "Twister"? No, no that was Bill Paxton. See? Memory can be pretty tricky. So that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them, their brain will implode. Good luck. I'm Bill Pullman. Oh, oh, I was also in Independence D
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 3 May 2014, 10:10, 9 replies)

I like breasts.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 3 May 2014, 0:46, 13 replies)

Close encounter - of the VERY first (artistic) kind...
I met this alien in a car scarpyard in West London once. I was quite scared at first, but you could tell the alien was shocked too - you could see the surprise on his (dare I say) ALIEN features.
It said it came from a planet which loosely translated into English as "half rock half trees".
I said I come from a planet with means "Ground". We both chuckled at that one!
Turns out he was in the scrapyard looking for various metals - which surprisingly he could bend and mould using something akin to telekinesis. He didn't even have to touch anything - it literally bent to his will.
"Most impressive," I said - and he undulated his "arm tentacles" in appreciation.
"I'll tell you what", he told me (I still don't know how we could understood each others communication) "as you are the first human I have encountered - I will create a likeness of your features using these materials we have at our disposal here"
"What, like a statue of my head and features using scrap - a kind of bust of ME - made of metal?" I enquired.
"Yes" The alien said - thus he began…
Using an engine block from a Mercedes President - with an almost imperceptible humming noise he took the camshaft - and kind of flattened it and moulded it - and even as I stood watching I saw it became stretched and rounded, and started to take on a skull-like appearance.
The air filled with static - the feeling was unbelievable, and as the alien's neck-frills shuddered briefly, it took another park from the engine - the cylinders - and from them (using the power of it's mind again) moulded the metal into my eyes, nose, ears and hair.
The likeness to me was beginning to become well evident now, and for a final touch the alien used the metal compressors from inside the cylinders to make my lips, lower jaw and teeth.
Long story short - piston my own mouth.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 2 May 2014, 21:24, 2 replies)

Christian robots
I used to be one of those annoying bible basher types that wanted to convert everyone (I actually joined b3ta a couple of years before I ran away screaming from the church about 8 years ago. If I tried to convert you, sorry about that!)

I'm fairly sure a few of the people I met in church over the years were actually androids. They seemed to be spectacularly clean cut and unaffected by, well, anything really. Apart from Jeebus, who gave them a rather scary gleam in their eyes.

One young couple in particular, who I still bump into from time to time, come to mind. I don't think I ever saw either of them express a single emotion, ever. They look entirely smooth and wear precice middle of the road clothing. Conversation with them consisted entirely of inanities, and boredom appears at light-speed as soon as you try to talk to them.

I like to think they're actually alien robots sent to case out Earth for an invasion. The alternative view that they are in fact human is more scary.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 2 May 2014, 21:06, 2 replies)

Chinese Lanterns
5 or 6 years ago I went to a party in semi-rural Berkshire. In the late evening a partygoer produced 6 to 8 (I forget) chinese lanterns and a group of us carefully unpacked them, shielded them while the wicks were lit and patiently extended the paper balloons so they'd inflate and not inflame...

Away they went - climbed gently to a good height (several hundred feet perhaps) until they resembled a small flickering constellation, then a crosswind whipped them away sideways and they were lost from view in just a few minutes

The following week a local paper covering the Newbury area reported that a group of UFOs had been seen cruising over Greenham Common, silently and in perfect unity, before vanishing.

So we knew how far they'd gone before the wicks burned out. (About 6 miles, for the record and in case anyone was interested)
(Carpe Cyprinidae, Fri 2 May 2014, 19:53, Reply)

Bright, unblinking low-altitude light in motion north of Beatty, Nevada
On August 25, 2009, at about 10:10 p.m. Pacific Daylight Time, I was in the process of driving a moving van along Highway 95 in southern Nevada, perhaps six miles north of the town of Beatty, west of the Nevada Test Site, where the atom bombs are detonated, and a little distant from the eerie, top-secret air base at Area 51, which is on the eastern side. Beatty is the first place on the highway where they have legal brothels (which are illegal in Clark County, where most of the people are, but generously bear most of the taxes in rural Nevada).

Anyway, traffic had been light. Leaving Beatty and heading north, even the local traffic had disappeared. I was all alone in the night, half-listening to radio DJ George Noory. Noory promised his listeners a "UFO Extravaganza" after the commercial break.

George Noory is an American institution. He is almost-infinitely suggestible, gullible, and flattering to his guests, and is the perfect medium to broadcast rubbish stories of every variety and kind. I don't know how the country ever survived without him.

Suddenly to my left, I saw a light in the sky, heading south. The light looked like a very bright planet - like Venus - but in motion. I did a double-take, thinking it might have been a reflection in the driver's-side window of a stationary light located to the right of the truck, but that was not the case. Something was flying south through the air, not very high, and not very far away.

It is quite plausible that the light belonged to a small private airplane. There is a small airport located just south of Beatty, equipped with flashing beacons for nighttime travelers, and the airborne light was heading in that direction.

Still, private planes are supposed to be equipped with colored blinking lights for nighttime flight. This light was not blinking at all. Was the cockpit light on for some mysterious reason? If so, why were the external blinking lights off? That would be an unsafe condition, especially at low altitude! It was all very disturbing.

I spent the rest of the night driving through the jet-black darkness, craning my neck out the window and looking for brothels and aircraft. Sadly, there was no "UFO Extravaganza": the promise was over-hyped in typical George Noory fashion.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 2 May 2014, 19:04, 6 replies)

I lived with two aliens.
I lived in a shared house in Reading in the 90's and two aliens moved in downstairs. They were a couple of blokes, looked in their late twenties, very similar faces. They both wore blue boiler suits and carried a small black box each (like 'The Internet' from The IT Crowd) with a switch and a light on the top and a coiled cable came out the box and went up their sleeve. They always carried these whenever I saw them.
They used to cook grey goo in a saucepan for tea, never talked, if I said anything they just smiled. They never used the toilet, didn't make a sound in their room. They both used to leave early in the morning and walked weirdly, a stoop as if they were always walking uphill. They drove a van that had blacked out windows.
After a few weeks they never came back.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Fri 2 May 2014, 17:49, 4 replies)

I've had a knife fight with baldmonkey.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 2 May 2014, 16:43, 4 replies)

i've had dinner
with Gonz
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 2 May 2014, 16:20, 18 replies)

I have seen those weird 3 lights in the sky
Of course I don't think it was aliens, and we all know what chinese lanterns look like. But there it was, and I know some other people who saw them around the same time.
I was looking up at the sky at night as we were maybe able to see the aurora that night (up north).
So there.
( --- ---, Fri 2 May 2014, 16:15, 1 reply)

They're not aliens, that's just ridiculous conspiracy theorist bollocks.
They're actually mass hallucinations brought about by flourinated water and chemtrails.
( Muns, Fri 2 May 2014, 15:32, 7 replies)

3 SIGHTINGS
I've seen 3 "orbs": that is UFO's that are perfectly spherical lights.
2 white and one bright red on three separate occasions and definitely not planes, satellites, or Chinese lanterns.

I've actually done a lot of reading about the subject and I think we are being visited by aliens, I'm pretty convinced the crash happened at Roswell.
Sorry not a funny anecdote but the truth.
(nattydread, Fri 2 May 2014, 15:25, 11 replies)

A cloud dun a poop
www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEcVeNnBtag#t=30s
( PooPants, Fri 2 May 2014, 15:04, Reply)

i've seen attack ships on fire off the shoulder of orion

(Eukanuba, Fri 2 May 2014, 14:16, 9 replies)

My first attempt at a fry up many years ago
didn't end too well.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Fri 2 May 2014, 14:07, 1 reply)

There's something works in our local chippy so ugly you can't tell whether it's male or female. Or indeed human.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 2 May 2014, 13:27, 9 replies)

The bar of my local pub is a close inn counter.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 2 May 2014, 12:28, 3 replies)

My whole elite team got totally owned by just one fucking chrysalid.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 2 May 2014, 12:26, 4 replies)

There's a rock band called UFO!

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 2 May 2014, 9:51, 2 replies)

Just click "I like this" and we can all move on
I *dare* you NOT to post a reply
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Fri 2 May 2014, 9:48, 2 replies)

Truprint
Back in the olden days, when I was at school, Ivan Hutchinson was well known for his tall stories and blatant lies. However one morning he came rushing into class loudly proclaiming that he'd seen a UFO the night before: flashing lights, odd behaviour, impossible accelerations, etc. And this time he had the photographs to prove it!

Of course we all dismissed his story, but he was insistent that this time it was true: a bright light had followed the car he was in, then stopped, circled, stopped again, and then shot off suddently. And he'd had his camera with him, so he had pictures, real photographic proof.

But, this being the olden days, he had to wait until he'd finished the film, and then post the film off to Truprint, then wait a week to get it back. So it was only several weeks later that he came into class brandishing the green envelope with the pictures. Several black pictures, with tiny dots of light on them, and a big sticker over each saying 'Poor quality'. Thanks Truprint.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 2 May 2014, 9:28, 1 reply)

It's no mystery, I have owned many a lien.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 2 May 2014, 9:01, Reply)