Spaceman
I always wanted you to go into space, man.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 8 May 2014, 13:18, 3 replies)

(accidental) Urine Filled Orifice
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 8 May 2014, 13:11, Reply)

Close Encounters of the LAST Kind

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 8 May 2014, 12:56, Reply)

Last
of the Time Lords?
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 8 May 2014, 12:37, Reply)

Outside of boots with an air wear sole, Fermi is my favourite paradox.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 8 May 2014, 11:55, Reply)

Boring but true.
Shrewsbury, a Sunday afternoon, sunny day with a few clouds.

In the sky, four objects, white, basically point light sources, one brighter than the rest, all stationary in the blue sky. Between them they formed a rhombus, two equilateral triangles, whatever. Didn't move.

Gradually, they faded until I could only see the brightest one. Then a cloud covered that. I saw them, my mum and stepdad saw them. I have no idea what they could have been, but would be interested to hear theories (ideally sensible ones, I'm not David Icke).

Things they weren't:
- Iridium flares - those things move across the sky fast and don't appear in formation
- airliners - ditto
- helicopters. There's a helicopter training centre at Shawbury, but these things were so high as to be featureless. You can see the wings on an airliner when it's six miles above you, but these things were just points of light with no wings or other visible shape.


Things they might have been:
- weather balloons. Odd that they should make a perfect two-equilateral-triangle rhombus in the sky, but not impossible.
- er...
- nope, I got nothing else.

Anyone?
(SonofRojBlake, Thu 8 May 2014, 11:45, 5 replies)

Useless Fucking Original (post)
I dunno I take a break and come back to this shower of shit
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 8 May 2014, 9:13, 1 reply)

This summer just past we had a group of aliens tour Australia
They claimed to be from England and said they were a cricket team but, when they tried to play you could tell they had never seen a cricket bat before and had absolutely no idea of the game. Clearly they had to be from outer space they had that little an understanding of cricket.

TL:DR 5 - 0
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Thu 8 May 2014, 7:17, 3 replies)

Abduction
Walking home from the pub one night
Was pretty off my face!
I got abducted by a craft!
That came from outer space.

This ship shot down this beam of light
It made me calm and placid
It was so weird I thought my mate
Had spiked my pint with acid.

But, no, I had got beamed aboard
Some interstellar ship
It made me so damn nervous that
I almost did a shit.

The pilots of this craft came out
Was quite to my surprise!
Their head was large and round and bald
With creepy lifeless eyes.

Their skin was cold and dry and grey,
(My skin is somewhat pinker)
And so they got an anal probe
And stuffed it up my sphincter.

With telepathy, they did say
"Human, know what pain is!"
And so they got another probe
And rammed it up my anus.

They had another probe, I said,
"Hey lads, give it a miss!"
They laughed and thrust it deep into
My knackered orifice.

They passed around some whiskey
That I had a massive hit from
Because I had three anal probes
Lodged right where I shit from.

That whiskey served it job quite well
and dulled the pain as well
It got me nice and drowsy
And this place seemed less like hell.

I laughed a bit ‘cos I was drunk
And my arse was well loaded.
But then I went to have a sneeze
My fucking arse exploded.

No matter what I ever eat
I manage, like, to crap well
I maimed those Martian rapists
With my flying shitty shrapnel.

The ship was now quite damaged
And the warning lights were strobing
So whipping out my meaty cock
I started my own probing.

I went to the boss alien
said "Right now, mate, your DOOMED!"
Removed the butt-probe from his eye
And then I fucked the wound.

I shagged his ragged eyehole hard
I wasn’t really thinking
But looking back, was my first time
of extra-terrestrial squinking.

The second alien had a probe
Half sticking out its chest
I pulled it out with violent force
And, well, you guess the rest.

I looked at him right in the eye
And screamed in abject rage
With Martian blood as lubricant
Shoved cock in his ribcage.

The third alien was all dead
He was decapitated
From my arse-launched anal probe
So, neck stump I violated.

I was really cross by now
I was carrying a big gripe
Which seemed to wane as, screaming, I
Ejaculated in his windpipe.

So, aliens from outer space
Hear me, you're not deaf!
You try to probe my arse again
I'll fuck you all to death.
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Thu 8 May 2014, 7:09, 12 replies)

Apparently a couple of hundred Nigerian kids have been abducted.
Any ideas?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Wed 7 May 2014, 22:06, 6 replies)

when i was young, i was lying in bed looking at the storm and all of a sudden a bright orange dumb-bell shape appeared in the sky, almost the same shape and color as this (http://www.encoremedicalsystems.com/homegymsinc/Body-Solid-10-lbs-Vinyl-Dumbbell-in-Orange.php) for about a second. i watched for a while and the same shape appeared in almost the same place. weird that! never been able to explain it. not even like ball lightning.
( skullbuggery uh huh! kissed a cow!, Wed 7 May 2014, 20:22, 3 replies)

Just to say
really enjoying all the stories so far, bless, you puny humans, *grabs more popcorn*

Carry on!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 7 May 2014, 18:43, 19 replies)

Invisible UFOs:
The fact that you CAN'T see them, PROVES they must exist.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Wed 7 May 2014, 15:45, 4 replies)

have we done the one about the dreadlock pirate sticking star trek collectibles up ugly genitals?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 7 May 2014, 14:09, 12 replies)

Late one night I witnessed exactly the reason why UFO watchers and conspiracy theorists are
unintellectual bellends driven by their own senseless none data and none proof. It was a BSKYB program on some awful 400+ channel and a like there was this guy lets call him - Jeremy Kyle Mk5 or JK5 and he had a group of keen UFO spotters spouting their usual shit about SHEEPLE not understanding. All very amusing. However, shit got serious when one group started saying how they had modified their DSLRs and their Christmas Cracker telescopes and had in our very own solar system witnessed ongoing spaceship battles, NASA WOULD NOT COMMENT SHEEPLE (or any other space agency). JK5 was suitably angry and the audience muttered their approval.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Wed 7 May 2014, 13:24, 6 replies)

Captain's Log. Stardate. Three, One Two, Five Seven.
I'm adrift, in a sea, an endless see, of, intergalactic, poon.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 7 May 2014, 11:39, 9 replies)

One night, some years ago now, I was lying in a field in the middle of the countryside, stargazing.
To cut a long story short, I accidentally pissed in my own mouth.
( Muns, Wed 7 May 2014, 11:10, 1 reply)

*something darkly cynical and misanthropic but nonetheless very amusing*

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 7 May 2014, 9:49, 16 replies)

Starbuck is Doctor Who's dad.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Wed 7 May 2014, 7:43, 5 replies)

My Daughter
No fucking idea which planet she thinks she is on. Bank of Dad, train ticket, late lunch (vegetarian), oyster, gig tickets, alcohol when she could be bothered to listen. Wait half an hour whilst she tries to get a photo with the band out the back, then wants food. Nothing is open!! Offered to sort her something when we get home, the look on her face.

Well fuck you lot, I'm off to Mars and you are welcome to the ungrateful bitch.

She is a shame from my bollocks. Yes that's you Dr.

No you....
(Suck it and Sea, Wed 7 May 2014, 0:40, 9 replies)

I live in the North East.
On Friday there was this big orangey-yellow glowy thing in the sky, then the next day it all went reassuringly grey again. Until this morning, when I met some family members in a cafe, and the mysterious globe of fire reappeared, causing an unfamiliar sensation of dampness under the armpits.

Fucked if I know what it was. Probably witchcraft. I'm reassured that it will be pissing it down again on Thursday.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 6 May 2014, 21:21, Reply)

Part of my job is anal probing/bum fingering, but I'm not an alien. I was born here.I'm a gp.

(DBT became a fruitarian on, Tue 6 May 2014, 18:56, 1 reply)

Ha, the stories I could tell about anal probes! But sadly patient confidentiality means I can't.
You'll all just have to imagine your own probe stories to wank over.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 6 May 2014, 18:35, 4 replies)

So this bloke in white said "YOU SHALL NOT PASS"
but Ben did this thing where he looked like he was rolling up a bogey and flicking it, and told him these weren't the droids he was looking for.
(username failed moderation, Tue 6 May 2014, 17:19, 2 replies)

There was that time at Glastonbury when my mate dropped acid and thought Darth Vader was following him

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 6 May 2014, 15:03, 5 replies)

anyone know a good site for torrents?

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Tue 6 May 2014, 14:16, 15 replies)

Oh haha one time I was in this bar and some guy came up and said his friend didn't like me and then Kirk came to my defence and then Cylons.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 6 May 2014, 14:08, Reply)

They mostly come at night.
Mostly.
( Fork Has lost his bash virginity!, Tue 6 May 2014, 12:32, 19 replies)

I won't eat octopus because I believe they are an intelligent alien species and one day they will
rise. true story, maybe Dr. Skagra can confirm.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 6 May 2014, 10:05, 28 replies)