I've been trying to finish this last verse for Kevin Bloody Wilson. Hope you can help...
...(to the tune of "I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus)...

Can't wait to see on Christmas Day,
What Santa brings to Mum.
'Cos I heard him promise her anything at all,
If she'd take it...

Any ideas?
(SatchmoR No, mummy, don't put knitting needles in my ears!, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:36, 10 replies)

Ah, timing
This morning I went for a jog. Unfortunately the thing I couldn't finish is much more disgusting than what you might expect. Buckle your seatbelts, its gonna get messy.

The schoolboy error I made was to have a lamb tikka jalfrezi last night. I make no apologies, it was payday and I was hungry. I even put a bog roll in the fridge in anticipation of having a ringpiece like a solar eclipse this morning. But after nearly 5 miles of jiggling the innards, it became apparent that I was going to struggle to get home without needing to evacuate. And it's very difficult to accelerate when the reason why you jog is that you're disgustingly unfit. So you can imagine my relief when I entered Sloughbottom Park (it's actually called that) and saw a sign indicating a female public toilet on one side of a building which I've never previously seen the point in the existence of.

Before the usual catcalls and predictable trumpeting of "BUMDER" are heard, I can assure you that I rounded the building in eager, sweaty anticipation and was phenomenally relieved to see the matching male public toilet sign. Slowing to a walk, I approached the door, feeling relief flowing through me like a long, sludgy turd.

The door was fucking LOCKED.

What the hell was I supposed to do? I was still just over a mile from home, and I was categorically past the point of no return. Turtling. Further jogging probably would have caused the tip of my intended excretion to snap off and rattle around my undercrackers all the way home. Luckily, the door was in an alcove at the back of the building. So I did what any of you would have done. I dropped my kecks, squatted out of sight and dropped the anchor on dry land.

You would have. Be honest.

Thankfully it was textbook. One smooth, fluid motion, no need to push. It was a very peaceful morning and I could actually hear my cheeks ripple as the poo parted them. I pulled my shorts up, had a quick check of colour and consistency, rebuked myself for not bringing my phone - it was at least a 7 on ratemypoo.com - and continued jogging.

I did warn you that it wasn't the jog I couldn't finish.

You know how there's always that last bum nugget that you can't quite get without toilet paper? Well, I may be disgusting enough to take a shit in public and tell the internet about it two hours later, but I draw the line at wiping my arse with my own bare hand. The rest of the run was... uncomfortable. I motivated myself to run faster with the idea that I might be able to see my poo on Google Earth when I got home.

That's not the worst part.

Worse than shitting in a very pretty park which I frequently jog through, worse even than running with a gutful of slurry, worse than any comments which get posted below, is the feeling when you've been to the loo at home, tidied yourself up, and pull your sweaty pants back up over your clammy thighs. Lamb tikka jalfrezi, though. Well worth it.

The WORST part? Unlike most of my posts, this is absolutely 100% true.

Length? Hard to say, it was more of a dollop than a cable
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:00, 10 replies)

OK
Let's get the inevitable out the way now:

I jumped through hoops, but never got the cake.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 23:34, 1 reply)

Stuff.
One of these days, I may surprise myself and fellate a baboon to completion. But just now... meh.

Did I mention that I work for London Zoo? No? Oh, good.
(Mr. W. K. Kellogg's Anusol Flakes (TM) is the other Special K, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 22:45, 4 replies)

There is a great deal of pleasure
that can be had from winning one over a large company. Such as when I stuck it to the man also known as how I milked the council for their cock up. Anyway, about two years ago we had a small electrical problem..
Ah fuck it, it's late now so I'll finish this tomorrow.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 22:34, Reply)

Climb Every Mountain ProjectO
This isn't so much of a 'something I couldn't finish' (as there's loads of those projects gathering dust in my garage) but a challenge I set myself a few months ago that I need to start. In September this year the company I work in Birmingham for will be going to South Africa to help build houses for AIDS orphans as part of the ProjectO initiative. The idea being that everyone in the team raises money to fund the trip and make a donation to the charity, we're hoping to raise a total of £40k.

In a not very well thought through fundraising challenge (sitting in a bath of beans style) idea, I said to my colleagues that I would walk up Mt Everest to raise money, well not Mt Everest for real (cos that shit needs ropes and ice axes and stuff) but by walking up the stairs in the office.

So lets do some math! Mt Everest is 28,804ft high and my office is on the 12th floor 145feet up so after a bit of rounding thats walking up the stairs in my building 200 times. Oh yeah I can walk up the stairs 200 times its just a simple stroll, is it fuck!

Walking up the stairs takes 3 minutes, and in an hour I'll use up about 1200 calories and be sweating like a drug mule in customs.

So am I going to have a heart attack before I complete this challenge? Lets look at the evidence, I'm nearly forty, I smoke a bit & drink in moderation, I don't take enough exercise and play football to a standard that makes England look good, drive to work & generally sit on my arse eating pizza (current situation).

If you want to see me make it, or you just want to see me fall to my doom like some bit part actor in Dynasty, and actually finish something worthwhile just go here www.rwbthatisme.com and clicky the crappy paypal donate button on my home page (and before you ask its a south african charity so we can't be on just-giving) .

Anyway thank you for reading (if you got this far) and think of me while you ride the lift the next time.
( rwbthatisme is on holiday this week, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 21:32, 2 replies)

I can't cum.

(Spleep Shit, or get off the internet., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 20:58, 2 replies)

It was a dark and stormy night
And the rain came down in torrents. The Watchman said to the Guard "tell me a tale" and it went as follows...

It was a dark and stormy night and the rain came down in torrents. The Watchman said to the guard "tell me a tale" and it went as follows...

It was a dark and stormy night and the rain came down in torrents. The Watchman said to the guard "tell me a tale" and it went as follows...

It was a dark and stormy night and the rain came down in torrents. The Watchman said to the guard "tell me a tale" and it went as follows...

It was a dark and stormy night and the rain came down in torrents. The Watchman said to the guard "tell me a tale" and it went as follows...

It was a dark and stormy night and the rain came down in torrents. The Watchman said to the guard "tell me a tale" and it went as follows...

It was a dark and stormy night and the rain came down in torrents. The Watchman said to the guard "tell me a tale" and it went as follows...


Length? I could go on forever...
(Fireyfox is prepared to change, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 20:32, Reply)

shame at not finishing
My first marriage was when I was very young I was 18 and very inexperienced. My wife had a very sheltered upbringing, the child of a single mother who was very distant and had never really gotten to know.
It was a very small wedding and as we had never been intimate before taking our vows I was very nervous about our wedding night, the first night of our honeymoon.
Unfortunately nerves got the better of me and was not able to perform and I was so ashamed that we ended up staying in separate rooms.
I found out later that she lay there in the darkness filled with sadness and gloom, hoping that I would return to try love her as I tried before.
But I didn’t and all that is left is a band of gold and the dreams she holds if I was still there with her.
(nimrodihnio making gravy for one., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 18:45, 2 replies)

I have never made it through 'Titanic'
without crying.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 18:36, 5 replies)

I was going to post a joke
Something to do with mastermind, couldn't think of one though.

Oh well, I've started, so I'll finish
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 17:17, Reply)

The Lord of the Rings
Every half a dozen years or so since the age of eight, I've picked up 'The Fellowship of the Ring' and attempted to read this much-loved classic of fantasy literature only to get to the bit with Tom fucking Bombadil, whereupon I promptly give up out of sheer boredom.

Thank God for Peter Jackson, that's what I say.
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 17:06, 14 replies)

Katzilla's story reminded me of something.
It's not my story though, it's about my friend Jess.

Jess has never seen The Lion King all the way through. She's tried after being nagged loads of times, but she's never successfully managed to sit through the whole movie.

Why? She went to see it at the cinema with her Mum when it came out. Then it got to the part where Mufasa gets trampled to death. And she screamed the cinema down and had to be taken out.

She lost her Dad a month or so before the film came out, he had a heart attack. Her Mum thought that taking her to see a Disney film that deals with dead fathers might "help her cope".

It did not help her cope. She still has to switch it off when she knows Mufasa is about to die.
(Melody was not PMSing on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 16:47, 4 replies)

My Ph.D Proposal.
Closing date is tomorrow. :(
(hadr0n Craic whore, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 16:26, 7 replies)

Am I the only one who only very rarely is able to finish all my chips when I've been to the chippy for a fish supper?
I can't be the only one. They give you loads.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 16:17, 11 replies)

Firefox
No sorry not the browser but the Clint Eastwood film where he comes out of retirement (AGAIN!) and has to fly a fighter plane from russia...it's a great film but i know for a fact i've tried to watch it 3 times but just can't finish it
anyway.....
(slipmatt Thats sooper dooper, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:40, 6 replies)

The Lion King
I've seen a couple of computer game based posts here this week so I thought I'd stick my oar in on this one. My story begins at the age of 8 or so, I'd just discovered the joys of qbasic and had my first few experiences of HTML, loved playing Monkey Island (special edition 2 out next week, CAN'T WAIT) and watching my dad play Doom. All in all I was well on my way to geekdom.

wavy lines

I'd gone round to my friend's house and her dad had just bought the brand new Lion King game! I freaking loved the Lion King, it was about all I could think about at the time, so when she asked whether I'd like to have a go, you know what my answer was.

It was about 5 floppy's worth of game and I remember thinking to myself 'woah, the graphics look like they're from a CDROM!' it was so smooth, so responsive and you could make Simba roar. Brilliant!

Her dad very kindly copied the game for me and I took it home. From then on, I spent days playing this game, I would get scared in the Elephant graveyard and spent ages looking for bugs.

But there was a problem.

I could never get past 'Hakuna Matatta'. I wanted so badly to see Simba grow up, to hear his big roar and to use his special, grown-up attacks, but I just couldn't do it!

The annoying thing about this game was that there was no save feature. Every time I fell into that stupid water, I'd have to start again. It got to the stage where I could play the other levels with my eyes closed. But I still couldn't do it.

I gave up after a long time, and thought I would never see the end.

More wavy lines

Fast forward about 10 years, I'm onto much better games and stumble across the Lion King floppies that I'd known, loved and despised 10 years previously.

I load it up and immediately remember everything about the game. The graphic were far from impressive now but it was still a good game. Soon, Hakuna Mattata was up. It took me a few tries but at last, I made it up that stupid waterfall and the rest of the level was easy as.

Grown-Up simba was just as cool as I thought he'd be and the next levels were pretty awesome too. All too soon, I was fighting Scar. the fight wasn't as impressive as I'd hoped but it was ok.

As soon as I'd killed scar, I knew that the climax was coming. The culmination of 10 years of blood, sweat & tears spent on this kiddie's game...

All I got was a roar. Then the game ended.

That. Was. It.

I wish I had never finished that game. The anti-climax was much more disappointing than the knowledge that I'd failed to complete the adventure and actually made me quite angry.

Sorry for the long one, but I imagine you're probably just as disappointed with the climax as I was...
(Katzilla Follow Me! @Kat_Zilla (I don't promise funnehs), Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:39, 3 replies)

Well, basically, these dudes flew a plane into this guy's building and it made him do sads, so to cheer him up
I suggested we invade Afghanistan and Iraq.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:24, 2 replies)

Oooh, look! I'm fat and people hate me. But I'm not bothered, my fat is actually magic and it'll fuck you up..
I've always been a lover of Robin Hobb's books. Fitzchivalry and Nighteyes were/are two of my favourite protagonists. I still get teary when I read the bit where the wolf dies. The liveships rocked my teenage socks and then the Tawny Man came along and made my adult self go all mushy for fantasy again.

Then came the whiny bloke whose entire trilogy seems to be "I'm really fat! Oh woe is me! Blah Blah sex swing." That trilogy just ruined reading for me for a good few months. I got about halfway through the second book, expecting the Hobb awesome sauce to start oozing after one last wallow in self pity.

Instead it felt like an American; who had convinced themselves that their massive obesity was 'glandular' or 'genetic' rather than the regular stops to the Dunkin' Donut drive through; was writing an allegory for how they're treated in real life. And then they give sex tips for fat fighters... I think it was the point where a diseased forest dweller has put the main character in a forest sex swing and then performs some cringe-worthy obesity shagging that I considered sending a rude letter. Apathy won out so I just put down the book that had been despoiling my good opinion of Robin Hobb.

So that's how I didn't finish a book...

The consequence of this is that I've not read her most recent books. They're set in the original world so if I read them and they're as bad as Miserable Fat Man then it's going to poison a little slice of joy from my youth.
(ElectricSexPants would like to be the Sultan of something, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:33, 4 replies)

Films
If you haven't seen Oldboy- prolly shouldn't read this...


Following from the Archduke of South London's post about people who say "oh I love this bit" etc etc when it's your first time watching the film.

I also hate it when it’s the other way around and people who haven't seen the film before ask questions about what's going to happen. Worse is my flatmate who always has to say out loud what she thinks is going to happen. She can't just sit and enjoy it, letting it unfold!

I don't know if they genuinely cannot wait for the film to finish, or if they just want the whole smug "I knew that was going to happen/ I told you so" factor. I think the latter, which is what drives me nuts.

Recently we were watching Oldboy, she had already asked a few questions, then she said "oh I bet that's his daughter", I could take it no more. I pressed pause on the remote, turned to her, said “do you REALLY want to know?” then proceeded to tell her the whole plot and conclusion of the film and told her to enjoy watching the rest.

I have warned her now that if she asks any more unnecessary questions, or keeps trying to guess what’s going to happen, I will do the same thing again. So hopefully she should just shut up and watch films from start to finish now… otherwise she’s not a fun film buddy :(
( awayfromthenumbers, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:32, 20 replies)

Anal
I have a wife who reads way too much Dan Savage and stipulates that if I'm going to get any rear-guard action she now reserves the right to 'peg' me in return. We tried it (yes, lots of lube, took our time etc. etc.) but it was ridiculously painful! I'm in awe of those petite ladies you see in pornos who can get their back doors bashed in by ten inches of thick man-meat and still do a good job of pretending to enjoy it.

So basically, no more bum sex. The house seems a cold and melancholy place without it. There are just memories now. Unfinished business indeed.
(Happybara The jungle came alive and took him, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:04, 33 replies)

this one is probably a once in a lifetime coming together of circumstances
but I met a Nissan Micra driver who chose not to finish what he started.

I was driving to a karate lesson, dressed in my karate suit. I was also wearing a sleeveless fleece (relevance to be explained shortly). It was about 7.02pm, just after a lot of bus lanes become inoperative. Driving through Twickenham, there was a long queue for the lights, with an empty buslane on the left. So I whizzed up the bus lane . . . not illegal, but maybe antisocial. At the end the traffic merges into one lane. So, I waited a bit and timed it so I just nipped in in front of Mr Nissan Micra.

He goes apeshit, hooting, flashing lights, driving an inch from my back bumper, sticking fingers up, generally being an arse. He has not realised I can drive in the buslane after 7pm, I assume. I pretty much ignore this, but then he does a wild overtake and slams his brakes on in front of me and stops. He gets out of his car, so I do the same. He looks at me, a fairly hefty 6 footer in a karate suit, dives back in his car and screeches away.

Best bit is, at the time I was a red belt, which is pretty much the lowest you can be. But my fleece was covering up the belt I was wearing, and he couldn't see that.

Satisfying.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 10:41, 10 replies)

I once met a guy from Northern Europe who honestly didn't know how to build a fire, so I showed him how I did it.
"There!" I said, as we warmed ourselves on the flames, "I've started something you couldn't, Finnish."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 9:48, 4 replies)

I've just seen how much
iPhone / Android App developers earn compared to web developers. Consequently, I'm downloading the mobile Java resources, SDKs and all the tutorials/guides I can find.

This time next week, the furthest I'll have progressed is just past the 'Hello World' example and the all the files I downloaded will be in the Recycle Bin.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 9:21, 10 replies)

I started a fight aged 13 by accident
Reading this before posting I thought how tame and childish it sounds, I guess thats the point, when you are young little things make a big difference. A casual remark starts a fight... No funnies but a happy ending.

Picture yourself a young lad, in a a past time, growing up and reaching that age when admitting you liked girls was becoming allowed and admitting you played with Star Wars toys was becoming frowned upon.

Now let me detail the main people involved in the story.

Me - Usually in the top five in exam scores, also usually in the last five to be picked for sports. Glad to have been better at the exams.

Chris - New guy to my school, clever, funny and worked hard to let it be thought that he was a had case.

Liam - a guy who was I was friendly with when younger and went to a Chris's old school.

Now to the telling of the tale, in school one day Chris mentioned an upcoming football game against his old school, he told the class that he knew all the players and who were the ones to watch out for. Chris said that our mutual (so I thought) friend Liam was a great player, I said he was not that good as I could score against him. This earned me a look of daggers from Chris. I have gone over what happened from there a lot in the years since, I'm not sure how it happened but it lead to many years of problems for me.

Chris took exception to me questioning the football skills of Liam and told him what I said, Liam told Chris I was a dead man (a strange threat from a guy who used to borrow your space hopper).

Now at this time I was a notch over five foot and weighed about the same as a supermodels handbag so a physical confrontation was not something I would aim for. I thought I'd ride out the threats and intimidation and go back to being the guy in the corner.

Instead what happened was Liam, Chris and four other guys waited outside school for me one day. I still remember walking along with them about ten paces behind, knowing they were there and that something was going to happen, feeling my heart beat so hard. I remember wanting them to just get on with it as the waiting was torture. Liam caught up with me and shouted how I said he was crap at football and he was going to sort me out (christ it seems so stupid now), I tried to say sorry , this was mocked and then I ran... I didn't get far. In the end I got a kicking and the result was one mild scar on my face and some deep scars in my mind.

I had been beaten in the street in front of friends and by people I thought were friends. For a few years I would be laughed at in school and in the street, I never talked about it.

I hated myself for a long time, seeing Chris in school and hearing the comments, avoiding going out so I would not meet them. About three years later I saw Liam in the street and had a moment of panic and had to run and hide in a field. Even into my early twenties going home would bring on a bit of worry. To sum up it fucked me over for years.

Until one afternoon about ten years after it happened I was walking down the street and it hit me that the familiar guy walking towards me was Liam, for a heartbeat I went back in time and felt the fear. Then I thought, well things have changed, I'm bigger and in all honesty I could pick him up and thrown him around like a doll if I wanted. He didn't recognise me & I laughed. I had no desire to hit him, talk to him or have any involvement with him.

I watched him walk away while thinking that years after the bruises had healed I had allowed the beating to continue hurting me. I did not feel angry anymore, I was grateful (and still am) for that kicking. In the long run it thought me a lot.

I learned that somethings hurt in the moment but the worst pain comes from what you allow to stay with you.

Its a fight that will never be finished because I'm still learning from it.
(cname, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 1:35, 4 replies)

Wheres my drink?
I'm currently on holiday with a family member.
Who has the most OCD tidying up habit ever.
Ive lost count of the number of times I've started to drink something, turned away to chat and then reach for it again and find it gone.
To be informed 'Oh I thought you'd finished it and I took it away'
For the last week I havnt managed to finish a single drink I've started *sigh*
I wish I had £1 for every time I've said
'Wheres my drink/bag/brush/phone/camera/shoes/toothbrush/coat etc that I left just here a minute ago?
I'd then be holidaying in the South of France instead

I darent fall asleep on the sofa in case I wake up to find myself tidied away in a cupboard somewhere
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 1:28, 6 replies)

Boring (and includes reverse tautology)
I used to be a prolific QOTW poster, but now just don't get around to it. I mean I see the questions every week and think ooh I'll just write... but then It's thursday again and I've missed the boat.

And I've just realised that
a) this answer disproves itself, a reverse tautology if you will.
b) it is incredably dull, and have now changed the subject accordingly
c) and have changed the subject again to include reverse tautology reference
d) and doesn't actually answer the question

Night all
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 23:29, 3 replies)

Learning another language
I realise that this is true for most people in Britain, but foreign languages seem to elude me.

French was an ever present threat from my early days with my folks buying all manner of learning schemes aimed at turning me into the next Hilaire Belloc. I've tried my best to learn, I really have, but it just makes no sense to me. My French, in its entirety: Ou est le jambon? Le jambon est sur la plage. Great... THAT'LL get me out of some scrapes and no mistaking.

Then I tried German in school. Now this is a language I could really get along with as it's basically English but angrier and with longer words. I have learned one, useless word. Luftkissenboot. Unless I find myself stranded in the middle of the Black Forest in dire need of a hovercraft, this is unlikely to aide me in any way whatsoever.

Any really easy languages I could learn instead?

EDIT: Stop writing German at me! I don't understand it! Oh CHRIST! Well, now I'm just going to have to have a long sit down with Babelfish and sort this bloody mess out.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 29 Jun 2010, 21:36, 29 replies)

My project to post every picture
of a cat that exists on the net.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 18:24, Reply)

If it is important
I find the time. If its not I find an excuse.
(unicornflakes, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 17:39, Reply)