Learning another language
I realise that this is true for most people in Britain, but foreign languages seem to elude me.

French was an ever present threat from my early days with my folks buying all manner of learning schemes aimed at turning me into the next Hilaire Belloc. I've tried my best to learn, I really have, but it just makes no sense to me. My French, in its entirety: Ou est le jambon? Le jambon est sur la plage. Great... THAT'LL get me out of some scrapes and no mistaking.

Then I tried German in school. Now this is a language I could really get along with as it's basically English but angrier and with longer words. I have learned one, useless word. Luftkissenboot. Unless I find myself stranded in the middle of the Black Forest in dire need of a hovercraft, this is unlikely to aide me in any way whatsoever.

Any really easy languages I could learn instead?

EDIT: Stop writing German at me! I don't understand it! Oh CHRIST! Well, now I'm just going to have to have a long sit down with Babelfish and sort this bloody mess out.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 29 Jun 2010, 21:36, 29 replies)

all you need to know is really weird stuff, or pornographic stuff
I developed a great relationship with a couple of austrians purely because i knew some quite unpleasant german phrases, and managed to pull a french bird with my semi-surreal pidgin-french

mind, last time i was in france, i ate only croque-monsieurs...
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 21:40, closed)

"last time i was in france, i ate only croque-monsieurs"

Pfffffffffffffffahahahahahaha. That, my friend is an all too familiar tale. With the whole of Parisian dining at my disposal I spent a long weekend eating those feckers...

On the German front, I can actually add to that one word - Meine luftkissenboot ist windig und meine Klapperschlange ist kalt. Guaranteed to pull any surrealist German lady at the drop of a lobster.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 29 Jun 2010, 21:46, closed)

mein luftkissenboot ist mit aale besezt
ich mochte gern dein hund sein
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:56, closed)

Wo ist meiner Meerschweinschen? Ich möchte meiner Meerschweinchen!

(note: I have never owned a guinea pig, but shouting about one is a fantastic way to sound angry.)
(epinephrine, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:32, closed)

b3ta.com/questions/unfinishedbusiness/post766705

Ich mochte gern an deinen Busen rasten
Wie eine Kuh am Futterkasten

And prepare to get punched in the face...
(IHaveComeAmongThee__Twice Tissues on the left. Self-esteem on the right., Tue 29 Jun 2010, 23:10, closed)

Takes me back to CSE French
That made me giggle. It reminded me of all the pat phrases we learned for our French CSE exams. I am sure that all our essays read exactly the same.
Strange days indeed.
(Woofie, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:01, closed)

Esperanto
The catch is, you'll be pretty much the only speaker.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:36, closed)

I got into that for about 5 minutes
then I realised what a stupid idea that was..
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 9:24, closed)

scouse
'aye, aye' is pretty much it
(imallamallama looking forward to llamageddon on, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:46, closed)

In attempting to reply...
I have discovered that it's difficult to type in scouse.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:49, closed)

kkkhhhaaahm down khaaahm down
dey do doe don't dey doe?
( weaver., Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:52, closed)

Orrrrrrrrrrrr tha's ghrea' tha'
doz i' chchome in polyesteh or nyyyyylon?
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 29 Jun 2010, 23:24, closed)

...and have your sense of humour surgically removed.

( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 9:33, closed)

*sharpens knives, liverpudlian style*

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 19:57, closed)

Damn.
The exception that proves the rule...
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 9:53, closed)

Don't forget
airm.
'Well. airm, I know I was, airm, cchrap at the, airm, Wairld Cchup liycche, airm...'

Weeyne, airm, Rrrrrooney liycche
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 21:49, closed)

Es gibt keine "einfachen" Sprachen, weil es gibt komplizierte Aspekte in alle.
Aber ich bin damit einverstanden; Deutsch und English sind sehr ähnlich. Es ist das einzige nicht-englische Sprache, die ich sprechen kann. (Ich hatte kein Französisch in der Schule gelernt.)
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:51, closed)

DIE KATZE
IST AUF DEM TISCH
( weaver., Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:53, closed)

But is it
full of eels?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 22:58, closed)

hehheeheh
oh, Rimmer!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 19:57, closed)

You could try something easier
and learn an accent.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 23:00, closed)

Ah now THAT I can do...
Maybe all my linguistic ability was hoovered up by accents...?
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Tue 29 Jun 2010, 23:22, closed)

Portuguese
Don't even try. I speak french and spent 2 years one-2-one learning the Portugese language. Been there too. Dont bother, you will never get it right.

French is easier, spanish is better, but you have to have learnt latin to understand it. then you have to learn the culture. its important.

Hope this helps
Tiggy
( Tiggy the diver, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 23:04, closed)

I speak
fluent Portuguese, but it took 10 years of living in Brazil to do it.

And to be honest, I still sound like a refugee from 'allo allo.
( Not Pineapple anymore, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:09, closed)

Wenn Sie dieses lesen können,
haben Sie festgestellt, dass babelfish nicht mit Resultate sehr natürlich-klingen aufkommt.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 23:07, closed)

German
Speaking German can sound good as it makes you sound like a hardcase. Slovak or any other Baltic language for that matter takes it to a whole new level.

Want to woo a lady? Forget French, use Romanian. Trust me.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 29 Jun 2010, 23:44, closed)

DU
DU HAST
(The 2-Belo OH SHI--[Sound of impact][End of recording], Wed 30 Jun 2010, 2:12, closed)

He was from everywhere.
As Martin Luther once said: Ich habe einen kleinen problemo, avec deiso religionie...

So there.
(Zutroy started without you, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 8:00, closed)

I experimented with a little Italian once...
she was single, beautiful, 25 years old and had a good job - but that story will wait for another day.

However, during my 3 months in the country, my Italian improved no end. It had to, as she spoke no English whatsoever.

Can hardly remember any of it now. Lack of use, plain laziness and it'll no longer help me get my end away.
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 9:03, closed)

Deine mutter war ein hamster
Und dein vater roch nach holunderberen
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 9:18, closed)

Jetzt geh weg, bevor ich dich ein zweites Mal sticheln
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 21:56, closed)

Shwmae, bore da,
Sut mae? Dw i'n dod o Saesneg. Nos da!
(epinephrine, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 13:37, closed)

Esgusodwch fi?
You what???
(Audax Victor, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 20:23, closed)

Pysgod a sglodion...
...os gwelwch yn dda.
(Photon wasting your time since, Thu 1 Jul 2010, 0:34, closed)

Das ist eine schöne bouchnabel
Is a reasonably successful pick up line for me. Just learn some totally random and utterly useless phrase in a foreign language and you're home and dry.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 19:21, closed)

Pech geb

( jim_bob can herd cats., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 23:40, closed)