Worse than "we need to talk"
is avoiding it. My exit strategies have included phone call, email and text. My favourite avoidance of "we need to talk" went even lower.

I sent my about-to-be-ex a link to a 'special' section of my website. (I later forwarded the same email to all of my friends). This special page had a photo of us together with a big red cross through him (expertly done in MS Paint) marqueeing across the page, with text underneath saying "You have been chucked. Thank you for visiting this website".

I've bumped into him a couple of times since, and it ain't been pleasant, but at least we didn't need to talk.
(bedsitmartyr : Doctor of Bottles, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:52, Reply)

desensitised from over use...
My partner, whom I love dearly, bless her, tends to over-use the phrase, "we need to talk".

Now in our early days this used to scare the bejesus out of me. Not in the least because her finishing with me would involve a lot of pain and loneliness (and packing and moving home) on my part.

But in the intervening years I have developed an immunity to the fear those four words instills in most right-thinking individuals.

Because I have learned that she actually means we literally just need to talk (as opposed to rutting, watching TV and drinking). So the dreaded "We need to talk..." is often followed by conversations about any number of things from relationship related d and m's, to family problems, work, life, TV, drinking, rutting etc, etc.

So there's no problem there. I'm used to it.

The strange part is, I now do not fear those words in any context. To the point that people end up complimenting me on how well I take being screwed over, or berating me for being cold and detached when recieving particularly bad or good news.

To date, I have remained cool as a cucumber, aloof and relaxed while being told;

- Our parents have been in a car accident
- Your sister died three times on the operating table
- You're fired
- This company is being liquidated
- I'm divorcing your brother
- We're having a baby
- Grandma died

I could go on, but I fear you may all think I am too callous, cold and detached.
(lessmiserable, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:41, Reply)

never go out with an engineer

they always claim to need serious torque.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:40, Reply)

After a long night copulating
I cooked her breakfast.

'We need a spork', said she, so I provided one, before reaming her out with my massive phalus.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:37, Reply)

me and my girlfriend never have 'talks'

as we believe that the most profound truths about human beings are best expressed through dance.

Although sometimes she gets a bit , and this makes me feel
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:35, Reply)

Breaking up IS hard to do
Age 19, I wanted to break up with my first ever 'proper' girlfriend after 5 months of relationship and I knew not to start with "we need to talk" as it means only one thing, "Dumpsville, population: You". I had it planned, we were going to the student union on a Wednesday night as per normal. I would get drunk for courage and dump her on the way home where the path branches off to our separate halls of residence. That way I was spared any long sobbing chats & I would be back in time for tea & toasties, hooray!

Unfortunately I got too drunk, missed the point where the path branches and led down in the main road like the drunken student twat I was. Right, take two...the following week I drank 1 drink less than the previous week and dumped her right on the money, I was about to march off for aforementioned tea & toasties when she said "what, aren’t you going to walk me back?". That 5-minute walk felt like 5 hours & put me off my tea & toasties completely.

Age 21 - Just about to finish uni and I want to dump my cow of a girlfriend after 1 year of relationship. She had called me and asked me to come over, as "we need to talk"...YESSSS!!!! Said I when the phone went down, I did a little victory dance as SHE WAS GOING TO DUMP ME! BRILLIANT! She would be the bad guy, I would have the moral high ground, everything would be hunky-dory & I would have a clean conscience, FANTASTIC!

I get to her place and she's all bubbly & happy. Shit. "Err, you said we needed to talk", "Oh, I just wanted to see you". Shit. So I re-started an old argument & finished with her, rolling out all the time honoured clichés of "it's not you it's me" etc etc. She tried to seduce me and said we could carry on going out until we graduated in a months time, but I had suspected for a while she was trying to get pregnant by not taking her pill, and anyway, I’m not that kind of guy.

Age 27 - Here we go again. After 3 years of relationship I was completely fed up of my arrogant snotty girlfriend & it was time to do the (un)decent thing and dump the bitch. Experience had told me that doing it on a walk or going round the soon-to-be-dumped house just gets you trapped & you have to have goodbye hugs and watch them cry, so it was time to sink to a new low. Dumping by telephone, only dumping by text message could be classed as lower....

...And it worked out really well, never saw her again and it felt like a much cleaner break. There is no 'good' way of finishing with someone so you might as well do it in a way that causes you the least grief, and that way ladies & gentlemen, is by telephone.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:32, Reply)

I went out with Erwin Rommel

until he told me we needed to have a serious tank.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:28, Reply)

I'm a Knut
Looking to get out of a relationship with a clingy bint I gave her the "We need to talk" talk the day before I moved house. Which I hadn't told her about.

This was pre-mobiles, so I never heard from her again.

A nice clean break, as the Doctor said to the ski instructor...
( Udderbelly A tale of four titties, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:26, Reply)

bah
"We need to talk" used to come from my parents once in a while. "Get your arse in gear", "this person's died" or "what do you think of our decision to move to" or whatever.

Memorably, however, was the time I was in boarding school and my housemaster had me brought to his part of the house. "We need to talk Mo, I'm getting a little worried about this and this person", and so on and so forth. These were house meetings and three of us attended them: head of house and 2 deputies, all voted for. These things started at 9pm and finished well after midnight. And no.way. OUT! ARGH! His wife usually brought some drinks and biscuits but it didn't help because the cockmuncher kept repeating himself. Again, and again, and again.

meh. apologies for length and shittiness, I shall do better next week
( morrybyte made a subtle namechange at, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:18, Reply)

when Jodie Foster wouldn't return my calls

I knew we had to have a serious stalk.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:18, Reply)

she said "we need to talk"
I replied "Wooah. Fuck - I'm all like...shit. That totally does my head in. Man."

Then she said not to worry about it.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:17, Reply)

Fellow b3tans....
we need to talk.

surely it's too early for the terrible puns?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:14, Reply)

"We have to talk".....
....I said to the ships captain whilst climbing aboard, "I'm no good at Morse code or semaphore."
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:11, Reply)

holiday baps..
Seeing a smashing pair of baps in Bulgaria while on holiday with my ex initiated my "we need a chat.."

She had the sun lounger in front of me and the then GF, and was on her own. Cracking looking lass, size 14, lovely lungs, blonde, early 30's, just my type. So i spend the whole day peeking over my book imagining that my GF at the time wouldn't miss me if i disappeared back to the room to get out the sun, in a covert cover to take miss lovely back to her room and give her the holiday seeing too she obviously craved.

Never happened, so I decided enough was enough when we got back home and started one July afternoon with "have you got a mo, we need a chat" few tears, but really I was glad that I didn't have to dress as a pirate in bed anymore.

Grand.
(japper, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:09, Reply)

I'm lucky, no girl has ever told me "we need to talk"
then again i've only ever been out with girls who are mute or don't speak english
(Handel blah blah blah, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:08, Reply)

Marcel Marceau told me
that we needed to not talk.

However he seemed to believe that our relationship was difficult, like walking into a strong wind, and that he felt trapped, as if he was in an invisible small box or behind a very clear sheet of glass.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:07, Reply)

as Kurt remarked to me back in 1994

"damn, if I hear 'we have to talk' one more time..."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:04, Reply)

difficult to convey opinion
A girl once said to me 'we need to talk',
unfortunately, this was shortly after I had decided to live my life as a mime artiste.

Consequently, it was very much a one sided conversation.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:04, Reply)

my litl brthr jst gt ths msg:

'hun-e, we hv 2 txt'

lol!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:02, Reply)

After we'd been through a bit of a rocky patch...
... my then-boyfriend told me that
"We, uh, need to talk".

My response was along the lines of
"No we don't, I'm already shagging someone else. Byeee"

Edit: Oooooh, 9th.
(bedsitmartyr : Doctor of Bottles, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:01, Reply)

Mobile
We all need to talk but in these days of expensive cross network mobile calls, especially in the daytime, I find it most convenient to use the company mobile your not supposed to have for those essential non work related chats.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:00, Reply)

I was hanging around with the other monkeys
when my wife told me "honey, we have to use any of a small number of distinct grunts to convey limited information".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 9:59, Reply)

Everyone has had the fatal "We need to talk..." but....
none have been as strange as the one I got once. I had been seeing this girl for a few weeks and she had a rep around town for only going out with someone for 2 weeks. I had made it to the 3 week mark and thought I was in there but oh no...

One night, after a few too many drinks she gave me that fatal conversation. It was very long and drawn out (just like this answer) but the short version is

"We need to talk...you and me...it's not working...because my dad killed himself I feel like everyone is going to leave me just the same"

How the fuck do you argue with that!? Anyway, I had a too much to drink and got all emotional, not at her splitting up with me but I felt sorry for her, of course no one believes that and still think I was crying like a child at the death of my 3 week fling. cockbadgers.
( Bamboo Steamer, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 9:56, Reply)

All about
Eve are to blame. As a student I was dating one of the hottest girls in college - hard to believe but I'm sure it wasn't a dream - after a frenzied bout of love making we lay there listening to Julianne Regan's band warbling the words to "Never promise anyone forever". I romanticaly took her in my arms and muttered the fateful words - "Promise me forever..." to which she replied "Right I think we need to talk". Fucksocks I think is the phrase.

Size ? Well she didn't complain at the time but in retrospect it might have been an issue.
(Tammytastic, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 9:48, Reply)

I get told this constantly
'We have to talk'....followed by 'why aren't we getting along' and 'we should be pulling together' despite the fact nothing in either of our behaviour had changed! I swear my partner is obsessed with the need to talk.... Running off doesn't help cos I get trapped back in it again and then get accused of not wanting to face up to anything and 'don't you want to be with me then?'

'We need to talk'......nothing good EVER follows that.....

shitbuckets.
(TheGizoid wowling since, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 9:45, Reply)

BITCH!
My ex, after two and a half years, sat me down just two weeks after a great Spanish holiday, and said 'we have to talk'.

For no apparent justifiable reason she then spouted every cliche in the book, like 'its not you its me' and 'ive changed somewhere along the line' and then proceeded to finish with me without any due cause.

It would have been better if she had been shagging someone behind my back you know!

But I happen to know shes had no cock since.

I was going to propose to the silly effing cow as well!

Fucksocks.
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 9:38, Reply)

Had the exact same convo twice!
'Do you still love me?'
'No, and I don't think I ever did'

I started the convos, but seriously! That's how my two engagements broke up!

First post! (DAMN! I was so excited too, just got my net hooked up after 2 weeks offline, thought it was welcoming me back! I can't look at b3ta at work...damn!)
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 9:37, Reply)

I initiated it
I had been working up to finishing with my girlfriend, decided that today was the day (not today, but the day on which this occurred)

She came rushing into my room telling me that her bag and wallet etc had been stolen while trying on shoes (take note women!!)

I tried to comfort her, but apparently she sensed something in my hug (wtf?) and so I uttered the immortal "we have to talk..."

during the course of the following discussions I unleashed such other classics as "it's not you, it's me"

That is all


woo first

Edit: unstabledan, you're not my ex are you? I had just been on a holiday in spain, we had been together for two and half years....
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 9:37, Reply)