Panda Sam
my main topic is sam. but i have to mention Jef with one F. known him since i was 6. picks his nose, eats what he finds, gets caught in his teeth, picks his teeth, eats what he finds, picks his scabs, eat them too. still. he's 19 now. weiiiiiird kid.
but onto sam. sam had always been an odd kid. not exceptionally so, because he was so quiet. he grew up to be a 6 or so foot giant pink baby. he's pale, blonde and strangely pink. and fat. he had the odd habit to smile at everyone... and blush like crazy if you talked to him. we all left high school, i moved and he instant messaged me one day... i never really talked to him to much, so it was odd. anyway, he ims me and says he has invisible friends that live in his mind and they talk to him constantly, gives me their names and what they say, and "they" started chatting with me... it was odd. then the next day he comes back with how he's letting them go. and tells me he is gay now... well we all knew this before he ever did. so it wasnt a shocker really. thennnn... a few days later he comes to me with questions about furries... and i tell him what i know... next day. he's a panda. yep. and also he has a boyfriend. blaze. he's a horse. blaze likes to make sam wear a collar at school... and sam went into details about their relationship... finally i told sam i didnt want to talk to him anymore. plus he got acceptionally rude with me since he became a panda, i could swear pandas were cute cuddly creatures... but alas, we shall leave panda sam too his own devices. and if he's b3ta lurker... my apologies kid, you scare the holy hell outta me.
(sammichofdoom, Wed 24 Jan 2007, 1:16, Reply)

Cpt. Fantastic, Catamite
while us cruel, delectable schoolboy bastards laughed our arses off all the way to school.

Congratulations! Not only have you revealed yourself as a vicious, humourless cunt, you've basically admitted to being perky priest-fodder. I shall send Father O'Pederast over for a quick "word".
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Wed 24 Jan 2007, 0:32, Reply)

From these stories I now know
to never name my child Jason.

Has anyone else noticed that?
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Wed 24 Jan 2007, 0:19, Reply)

Oh dear.
Year 11, there was this one girl who'd been widely unaccepted as mentally normal, which was fair enough. Quiet, fat, bad hair, bad teeth and so on. The rumours abounded that she was a lesbian but these were unfounded.
The crowning glory, however, came in year 11, when someone nicked her notebook and read it out to the entire year at lunchtime. And there was some, by our view, sick stuff in there, including a story. I forget how it went, but it involved sheep-shagging, bumsex, cocks stuck down plugholes, you get the gist. Plus a whole list of insulting stuff about teachers. Saying that your ICT teacher is a transsexual and your chemistry teacher is a rapist probably isn't on.
So it got handed over to our head of year.
She got threatened with a lawsuit for defamation of character.

Yes, yes, it was me, you guessed it.
Strict Catholic girls' school and that. I never did get sued. Actually, nothing happened. I didn't get the notebook back though.
(and now for someone completely different, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 23:56, Reply)

Disco Dave
When I were but a Prince to my throne, I was at school in London. Well, Morden to be exact.

I'd grown up with a chap named Jason White. Looked like a muppet, but not our story's hero today.

Now, all through middle school, and most of high school, there were rumours that the by Jason had brothers. that was fine, but no-one had ever seen them. Fine, they must be at another school somewhere else.

In our final year, we finally met Jason's brother David.

Slight story deviation, but ultimatley related, in our lunch halls(we had two, becuase we were a "new start" school or something) we had TVs which played TMF and other freeview channels.

One lunchtime, a few of us were eating inside out of the driving rain. So there we were, all camped out around this table, and we hear singing. Seniorita by Justin Timberlake, no less, and there is young David, giving it his heart and soul to the TV and dancing a fully choreographed dance routine to the tune. In the lunch hall. In front of about 300 mocking bastard children.

And then Jason gets up, trying to stop his brother. I'll never forget the words uttered by David at this point:
"But Jason, why do I have to stop? You showed me how to do it!" but with that I digress.

So we have young David, giving his full length JT moves(and doing a fine job of it), Jason clears off for a few days and we all forget the incedent.

During Jasons days off, David appears to be your bog standard hyperactive year 8. No dance routines to proudly display to an avid audience.

Upon Jason's well documented return, David starts dancing to all sorts of songs on the TV. This became an accepted part of the lunchtime viewing, but soon he was ignored and left to it. The poor sod had killed his obvious talents through over exposure.

So one day, he's giving it his all time 100% best performance(I presume, given that I'd stopped watching Disco Dave by now) he stops dead in the middle of a routine and falls to the floor.

Literally, just BANG! that was him. Lights out for the Dancing Boy. Unfortunatley for David, this is an old move, so it gets no attention. After about 5 minutes of ignorance, there are few glances, none of them concerned, so David throws a MASSIVE eppy. I've never seen one so big, or so violent. Punching walls, the floor, anyone within flailing distance.

He stops long enough to check his fists. Now bloodied and presumably rather painful. So he starts headbutting the vending machine. And I mean with some force. The whole hall is enthralled by this latest effort.

and then, as soon as he is sure he has evryones absolute attention, he starts dancing to whatever song was on then. As if nothing had happened, his hands pissing blood and looking fairly swollen, a large gash on his head, also leaking at a prodigal pace.

And then there is David. Dancing happily to the music(which by now, would be most accuratly described as "in his blood").

Tragically, I have no idea what happened to David, but I hope he's a dancer. Or something. He was some mover.

I have to apologise for length, but the songs were at least 3 minutes each.
(King of Swandanavia Proud owner of the worlds first Flong, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 23:37, Reply)

"At least I wear clothes!"
- an all time classic comeback from a girl who was told her coat was shit.

My mate also made her hyperventilate by taking the piss out of her hair.
(tree hugger putting the "semen" in "basement"..., Tue 23 Jan 2007, 23:30, Reply)

I was the weird kid in my class.
Well... Relatively speaking. Most of the people at my school seemed fairly well balanced.
(tacpprm has a mmrpcat, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 22:04, Reply)

When weirdos meet
It being rural Wales, there was a heady mix of weirdos at my school, in-bred sons of farms, like the one who regularly used to dry hump girls on the schoolbus, or the one who inflated his own gonads with a fifty mil syringe.

But the weirdest ones weren't agricultural...but...they did "like" animals.

S and G independently both developed a tendency to fwap frenziedly in class. Nobody really blamed them in chemistry, as the teacher was many a lad's guilty pleasure. But when S started in history class, it was a different matter. Thing was, the desks had shelves underneath, and he'd accumulate his waste paste there and it smelt like a fishmonger's bucket after a few weeks.

I suppose it was the notoriety that led them to erm, coming across each other, but anyhows this was just the start. Somehow they both realised they had a penchant for pet pr0n. Borrowing G's dad's video camera and S's mum's dog, they filmed each other giving the poor dog all manner of manual, oral and digital pleasure that the Rolf Harris vets wouldn't like.

Although a few people saw it, unfortunately it never went wide enough to get them sorted out. I'm just glad YouPube wasn't around to make it a global phenomenon

Length? it's my first time, I'm trying desperately to perform and all you can think about is me length....
(mochyn, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 20:47, Reply)

A tad harsh...
...but funny anyway.

There is this girl in the year below me at school named Samantha, who we all know to be at least sub-standard in the thinking department, who gets on my bus, or at least used to, I don't quite know what's happened to her.

Anyway, to provide ourselves with entertainment on the way to school, we naturally had to turn to the less able. In a period of 2 years, we have managed to get her to say the most foul phrases we can think of ("go on Sam, say 'dirty fucking minge'" and that was one of the tame ones), get her to talk about her 'pussy' in such an oblivious way which Miss Slocombe would be proud of, and also get her to do impressions of common farm yard animals (her horse whinny was particularly recommended), while us cruel, delectable schoolboy bastards laughed our arses off all the way to school.

Do I need to mention that this girl is the ugliest thing I have ever seen? Sporting bright ginger hair with the worst cut in the world, fat, ill-fitting clothes and a face like a monged out pug. Although I'm safe in the knowledge that she'll leave this August with a youth award applied GCSE and excellent references to the nearest council estate.

Apologies for length? It's only that big but the missus loves it that fat.
(CptFantastic stopped doing work on, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 20:44, Reply)

Vacuum cleaner
Just thought of another one. Matthew who would proudly show his ability to twisted his scrotum round by 720 degrees. I was sure that one day the sack was going to burst. He also once pleasured himself with a vacuum cleaner, again in full display of everybody. From what I remember he had a massive penis and it got once got stuck when he started to get erect. Last I heard he was running an off-license somewhere is Surrey and had shacked up with a girl about 10 years his junior (must have impressed her with his rotating balls trick).
(veniceboy lives in California, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 20:35, Reply)

There was a kid
in my brother's year at school when he was 12, the year below mine, massive Elvis freak at the kind of age when Elvis is lame. High pitched voice, remedial class, ate like an ox.

Another classmate who was a chum of my bro's got invited to his birthday party.

He went to his house next to the petrol station his Dad ran, party commences, jelly etc. In the afternoon, being a poor host, weird guy disappears. He is finally located under his bed, having full sex with a modified stuffed toy penguin.
(cs1ca, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 20:24, Reply)

A born poet
I used to sit next to a guy, Chris, whose forte was making up filthy poetry about his classmates, all of which rhymed perfectly and had a killer ending.

For example, about a boy with a rather large nose :

Big fat honka 'tween his eyes
"Bloody hell, John, what a size!"
He uses it for probing bums
Lots of spunk around his gums

Now he sits up in the class
Got his eye on an innocent arse
His mouth is watering at this sight
There's a tin of vaseline in case it's tight

Then he stands up with a slight frown
With a flick of the zip his trousers are down
Now the target's come into line
The bum's in sight
OH SHIT IT'S MINE

21 bloody years ago and I can still remember it perfectly.
(rogerzilla, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 20:03, Reply)

Gay sex
Two unfortunates - one, Jonathan, was deaf and on the remedial class, the other, Steven, was just in the remedial class - got caught in the showers by the P.E. teacher, where Jonathan was giving Steven a blow job.

Their parents took them out of the school by the end of the week.

I suppose they would have had a rough time if they'd stayed.
(rogerzilla, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 19:57, Reply)

Weird, maybe not. Dumb as can be, definately...
A girl in my Sixth Form (so she would have been at least 17 and she was definately shagging her fella) asked if girls could get AIDs... oh dear.
We convinced the same girl that when we had a night out at the local Rock Club we drank blood... "It´s like Budweiser but it´s got an ´l´ in it and it´s dyed red - instead of asking for a bottle of Bud you ask for a bottle of Blud..."
The same girl asked if The Handmaid´s Tale (set in post-nuclear holocaust America in about the year 2030) was a true story.
Dear God! No idea what she´s up to now; she was actually quite a nice lass to talk to but still, the though of her ever having babies is a wee bit worrying.

*Edit* Although nothing like as worrying as some of the walking-adverts-for-eugenics I´ve read about below...
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 19:51, Reply)

Mark Humphries was his name
and I had the misfortune of sitting next to him in most of my lessons. He was never fond of doing the classwork that the the teacher would set, and instead, often decided to focus his attentions on expanding his 'willy book'.

He would spend his time simply drawing different types of todgers. He used to show off his latest design to me every time he finished one.

He had,
big ones small ones,
short ones tall ones,
thin ones fat ones,
white ones black ones,
honest ones bent ones,
some smelly scent ones,
few had a condom,
most had a hardon.

The thing is though that I don't ever recall finding his obsession with cocks weird at the time, I was more concerned with his constant suggestions that we steal a couple of bunsen burners and take turns at pushing them up each others bum holes.
(Fatima Whitbread's hardon drugs and the causes of drugs, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 19:34, Reply)

In Geography....
...slightly thick Brian was caught doodling on his book cover by the teach. Initially teach was not impressed, until he saw scrawled on the cover "Swansea City for the FA Cup!" and a pic of a crap trophy above it. He laffed him out of the classroom.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 19:22, Reply)

typhoooooooooooooooooooooooo
we where dicussing the british general election of 1906 in history. where the liberals introduced new legistation which was the start of the creation of the welfare state. it some how led on to victorian living and i came out with the mongist remark of all time "people didnt live long in the victorian time as many of them suffered from typhoo" which lead to the class riduling me and my tutor calling me a plank and left me laughing for abar 2hours as i pictured somebody waking up to notice they had turned into a teabag. i also called my manly geography teacher with a mustache mum.
(branflakes, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 18:53, Reply)

David: The thin line between genius and utter loonball
I went to a small primary school in Harrogate in the mid 80s, and in my class was a chap by the name of David.

Everyone knew he was a special kid, because he had his own tutor that would come in once a week. Not because he was slow, but because he was so fucking brainy for an 8 year old that the SMP maths cards we were trudging through had been despatched by David in days.

So he had a tutor that would (we guessed, aged 8) teach him stuff about space and time travel or something.

Looking back his behaviour, if repeated nowadays it would have doubtlessly resulted in either merciless bullying or an unprecedented drugs regime...

...but we simply let him get on with it when he ran around the playground smacking himself in the head and shrieking.

...We gazed on in wonder as he span round in circles grinning manically singing "When you go to the loo you show your tits!!!" whilst beating his chest with unnatural force for someone so skinny.

He left after the easter holidays in the 4th year juniors, never saw him again. I like to think he's an astronomer, or some kind of Mad Scientist. In fact he often springs to mind when I watch Reanimator.
( B00gle-H00ps Looks like a horse, in a man costume..., Tue 23 Jan 2007, 18:24, Reply)

Jason
Being schooled in Cornwall, we had our fair share of in-bred nutters. My favourite was Jason. He would be sent to other classes to pass on messages (the teachers always seemed to choose him, sadistic bastards) so would appear in doorways suddenly and sway from side to side for a very long time before stammering the message out.

Some teachers would wait patiently, but others would yell at him for being so useless. Mr Hermes went one step further; I was walking past his classroom when the door opened and Jason sailed past me and landed in a heap. Mr Hermes went back in and shut the door. Jason seemed unperturbed.

A few years after we left school, Jason appeared on the front page of the Sun; apparently he had been arrested abroad for football hooliganism. Must have been physical violence as it would have taken him more than 90 minutes to complete any racist chant.
( thealternativefact, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 18:13, Reply)

charlie mason
look up his name in C4's brat camp, the first
series, i had him in my form for most of secondry school

not neccecerily weird, but deffinately a troubled kid

unfortunately, something about my personality tends to really wind that sort of person up, so there were a few occasions where i had him threatening me with fire extiguishers, retort stants, etc while most of the rest of my form was holding him back.

if you recall little while back, there was a school in the national news because of death threats made to a teacher by some pupils, thats the same shchool, i also knew those kids, no-one liked them
( wjh31, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 17:37, Reply)

Oh dear
I can't think of a weirdo at my school, leaving me the solution that I am the weirdo.

Either that or the social retards who all vaguely kick a ball around at lunchtime.
(conby whinemoansleep, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 17:19, Reply)

No 1 vs No 2
Back in high school, a ginger lass called Joanne Fisher who had really big ears did a shit right in the middle of the floor of the bad girls toilet. She tried to blame it on Hairy Helen the school spaz, but Helen was already in lunchtime detention for peeing on the rounders pitch so she had an alibi.
(Northern Lovely, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 17:08, Reply)

Sinden
Acne ridden (earned him the name "Beatric Spotter" for a while)
Wore a vinyl bomber jacket with some crappy 80's logo on the back.
Fancied the school lezza.
His eyelashes were too long to be normal.
Alleged to have shagged his cat, I once sent him a carefully crafted acceptance letter to "catshaggers college" in his class register.
Was very sciency and into gadgets without actually being particularly clever although he and I aced the Tech Drawing exams.
(LunarJim, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 16:18, Reply)

Twix in the Pants
My junior school is and was a fairly crummy place. As a treat during the all too cool summer months the pupils were allowed to take part in swimming lessons in the unheated outdoor pool. This was bad enough but the changing facilities next to it were something else. There were two wooden shacks joined by a thin wooden wall that playground legend told of having numerous spy holes in so that you could watch the girls getting changed.

One particularly cold day my class had all finished swimming for the day and were getting ourselves changed when someone happened upon a pair of fairly heavily soiled underpants. Once the initial giggles had died down it didn't take long to identify the owner of said smalls. He produced what to this day still hasn't been topped as an excuse for having shat yourself. The night before, he had been led on his bed reading a book when his sister had come in with a mug of hot chocolate. She tripped on her way towards him and by the most amazing chance managed to spill the hot chocolate in his newly cleaned underpants that were sat on his bed. Firstly, how the hell did she managed to spill the hot chocolate exactly in the arsey gusset region of the pants? Secondly, since when has hot chocolate been that colour? Thirdly, did he not have another pair of pants to wear? Things didn't get much better for this chap as he later went through a series of bizarre haircuts, serious anger management issues, had his car crashed into a tree by one of his friends and a girl he had a crush on was taken away by another.

Great times. Scary bloke. Shitty pants.
(edmacfly, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 16:04, Reply)

kim: sandbach school floater...you know it was you!
the brand new swimming pool; the heating was up way too high, like swimming in a bath, then: a log floated by, a good size too, looked like a strong combination of school dinners and veggies had combined to consitute a floater of dreadnought proportion...
the p.e. teacher made us all show our towels, miscreant not caught but it was you Kim wasn't it-now works in congleton as sum IT twonk
(mickturate if i could be arsed i'd be bored, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 15:56, Reply)

manly girly
My friends younger brother told me this one...

Apparently some kid in their class was blessed with a somewhat effeminate personality. Being at an all boys grammar school he was immediately named "girly girly" and was reminded of the fact very often indeed. He took great affront to this name and would throw tantrums everytime it was used, which of course meant that it was used with increased frequency. It was considered a particular skill to be able to push him to the point of frothing at the mouth without actually pushing him over the edge into a full blown hysterical outburst.

It came to a head one day when when in an english class the name calling drove him over the edge and he freaked out to the point of chair throwing and screaming, the works. The headmaster was called and the name calling exposed. Parents were called and a severe bollocking was obviously on the cards. So the entire year was called to assebmly where the headmaster made it crystal clear that if anyone were to taunt the boy with the name "girly girly" again they would be punished in the most severe way possible.

And so in true british schoolboy spirit he was immediately re-dubbed "manly manly". And that remained his name till the day he left school.
(Darth Vegas Poke It With A Stick, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 15:51, Reply)

The Jean Paul Sartre of the 4th Form
After his parents split up Wilkie turned to badly thought out Philosophy for solace.
He would regularly try to convince people they didnt really exist, or that their existance was pointless as they were minute parts of the cosmos.
However his crowning glory was when he finally realised that the tender cords of sanity that held him together were snapping, and ran naked through the main block, fingers covering his nipples, before dropping a large, viscous and offensive smelling foal off of the 3rd floor landing onto a queue of first years 2 floors down.

He was taken away then and became a part of school legend
(LunarJim, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 15:12, Reply)

M*** Short
... left leg signicantly longer than the right ... I guess it was the local genes as cousin was similarily blessed. Ahhh Dorset how I miss you.

Length gag - see above
(Biff..., Tue 23 Jan 2007, 14:56, Reply)

Problem Child
In a school of inbred weirdos there are too may to list them all. But one in particular Jonathon Plant aka “problem child” due to his (not all that, I realise in retrospect) unusual family background and being a mentalist. Yelping at the moon and chewing carpets were entirely normal for him.

Prob’ as he was more usually known, would stand naked on the headboard of his bed (it being a boarding school) saying there all night in return for a Fruit Salad in the morning. Would – for more or less the same fee – walk up to the biggest and most terrifying bully in the school and shout “you’re a cnut”, before being beaten to a bloody pulp.

He once tried wanking into an old-style milk bottle having greased the inside of the neck with Vaseline. In his ejaculatory frenzy, he created a vacuum, causing his knob to swell and become even more firmly lodged in the bottle. No amount of cold water or pulling or thinking very hard about ugly people would get it off, so he had no choice but to break the glass…. one of the gutsiest actions I have ever seen.

During adolescence he developed a single zit. Just one. Right in the middle of his right cheek. He claimed to have nurtured it and massaged fatty substances into it so as it wouldn’t pop. When eventually it did, in a French lesson as I recall, it squirted a putrid jet of pale green and foul-smelling liquid clear over the classroom to the squeals of all those caught in the crossfire.

After leaving school he had a clock-face tattooed around his gentleman’s area, so that when he laid supine and naked on an east-west axis, and thought very hard about ladies, he could tell the time from the shadow cast with astonishing accuracy.

Last I heard he was living with three model-stylee beautiful Latino women in a menage a quatre – which probably goes to show that having an impressive cock/sundial makes up for much maddity.
(bastardboy loves his mummeh, but hoo is daddeh?, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 14:28, Reply)

Weird champs
I went to a fairly big school (around 200 per year level), where the classes were labelled in academic order 7A1, 7A2, 7B1 etc for each year. The odd class out was 8R for "special needs" kids, who seemed to stay in that class for a few years and then vanish, probably to some other special school.

One of the kids in that class was ok and developed a "friendship" with us where we'd let him hang around from time to time, and wouldn't pick on him much (except in a friendly way). He told us he had water on the brain, and we could tell he was a bit slow.

Anyway, one day at the school assembly he won an award for something. This is with over 1000 kids watching. He jumps up, runs to to the end of his row and runs down to the dais (about 1 foot high, and about 3 x 3 metres) with his arms in the air (classic champ pose). The clapping started half heartedly, but built and built when everyone saw how excited he was. It was reaching the crescendo when he ploughed into the dais with his legs and crashed to the ground. Much mirth was had.

We still gave him backslaps afterwards - he was pleased as punch anyway.

Oh, and another person in that class was also in scouts with me. He was mentally disabled (nothing wrong physically) and only learnt to swim at a scout camp in his late teens. Move on a few years, and he got 6 gold medals for Australia in the disabled Olympics in Sydney in 2000. A real champ! I reckon he turned into a training machine and nothing was going to stop him. And the chicks probably digged his toned body too. Some guys are just born lucky.
(Skippyfillet, Tue 23 Jan 2007, 14:28, Reply)