Not much strange people, just odd names
I was in junior school between 1992-1996. We had a headteacher called Mr Major.

The caretaker was called Mr Blair.

Unfortunately due to the sheer number of chav-thicko-types that were at my primary school, no-one seemed to notice the oddness of those pair of names.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:44, Reply)

good old mr curtoys
good old mr curtoys the worringly camp physics teacher, he took a fair few for the team, from having us hiding his lesson plans in the asbestos ceiling tiles to setting fire to his desks, i can only put it down to this that he once told us he was attracted to a table ( aye aye ) i guess he was the sort of person who got erections in ikea.

even more worryingly he mentioned that the table was attracted to him, they got married and had lots of small pirate children with wooden legs.

yarrrr
( Gerbilinafishtank Gerbil in a fish tank...TURTLE POWER!, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:36, Reply)

And then there was Mr. Daggett...
He was the teacher who taught us how to say "lying sack of shit" in Latin.
(busterbeckett BUSTER BECKETT - saved by the buoyancy of citrus, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:27, Reply)

Biology teacher.
Played rugby, came in several time with huge black eyes. Biggest oddity was his sheer hatred of squirrels. Brought a dead one in once to dissect it for us, and fuck it stank! Also admitted to shooting squirrels whenever he saw one.

Geograpy Teacher.
No fucking clue. After catching someone on porn on a school PC (as culprit had left the projector on), he was asked "show us your collection then sir". And he did.
50 pictures of steam trains he'd taken near Manchester. Oh, the horror.

We used to play "Teacher Tennis" with him.
The idea was to get him to come to your desk, and ask increasingly retarded questions to keep him there. You got a point for each minute you distracted him. He never caught on!

Chemistry teacher
Various scars and injuries, and used to point out the chemical accident's that he'd got them from.

EDIT: Also the lecturer I have who spent a quarter of an hour explaining how he'd heard of the Neighbours Soc here (they watch Neighbours)
and how sad they were, writing "sad" on the board to prove it.
( Labmonkey last thought about having another coffee on, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:25, Reply)

prog rock nightmare
not my teacher but a one i was in school with. he was an IT teacher. mr hughes. about 3 inches tall.

my mate asked him if he'd been to any gigs, to which he replied 'yes'. then being slightly shitty kids he was given a list of dodgy metal bands to see if he'd been to see any of them. like this:

pantera?
yes
megadeth?
yes
biohazard?
yes
nailbomb?
YES

each 'yes' getting louder & more aggressive...until it was realised that the only gig he'd ever been to in his entire miserable little life was rick wakeman's prog rock pioneers Yes.
(Lord of the Pies, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:20, Reply)

Worrying teacher behaviour
In 5th year Geography I knocked my pencil case onto the floor at the end of the lesson. I bent to pick it up and experienced a very definite *slapping* sensation across my buttocks. I stood up and slowly turned around. Amazingly, there was Mr Nicholas holding a ruler. The pupils left in the classroom were staring in shocked silence. The teacher laughed nervously and said "Sorry Susanna, but some targets are too good to resist."

Nice save sir. Nice.
(SusK, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:14, Reply)

MOTT
We had a temporary geography teacher named Mr mott. As well as being named after the mott he also (ironically) appeared to be entirely bald to the extent of lacking eyebrows and having a visible black elastic thing beneath his occipital lobe. All this would have been fine were it not for the indefinable air of the mentalist home about him. Nothing specific but you wouldn't want to be stuck in a lift with the bloke.
( wingpig wish I'd known about liquify eighteen years ago, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:10, Reply)

Psycology teacher at my school
Shouts "I SHAGGED YOUR WIFE" at the referee when he goes to football matches.
(titwankfuckdick, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 18:05, Reply)

Anyone know
Mr Fosh - mail me if you remember him!

He invented weird. He wins, you all lose.

I remember he fancied Samantha Lewis out of Grange Hill (Georgina) and I think used to carry a picture of her around. Don't blame the guy, she was lovely. Well i thought so, being a 16 year old. Didn't occur to me that it was maybe a little inappropriate for a teacher. Fancying a schoolgirl and all that.

He "taught" geography. I called his mate - Strauss - a "cunt" on a schooltrip. He grabbed me round the neck and held me up against a wall shouting. Fair play, I deserved that.

Oh and he used to 'phone Eileen Bilton. 10 points if you know who she is.

I couldnt be a schoolteacher. I'd be up on charges within the week.

No apologies for the dirty little cumsluts in their little skirts.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:53, Reply)

at that college place...
My humanities teacher is a crazy guy. he is convinced he was a native american indian in a previous life. he calls himself Chief Soaring Eagle and gave all of our class indian names. i was Thundercloud. great.

Also there is another classroom that to get to you need to walk through our classroom. anyone that dares interupt his lesson he chases out barking like a dog.

On occasions he has preteded to die, sat on his desk meditating, rode his harley davidson to work and at lunch he locks himself in his car with a cup of coffee and ciggerette.

this guy has somehow has been deputy head at our college for 20 years.

My chemistry teacher is not really weird but scary. if anyone dares to skivve her lesson she storms out looking for them. and always somehow finds them. she looks like she is about to explode.

A Psychology teacher, who fortunatly doesnt teach me as he is a bit of a twat, looks like Skeletor form He-Man when he takes off his glasses.

My Maths teacher is an alcoholic who is seen at lunch times in the local shops buying vodka and repeatedly leaves our lesson comming back smelling of the stuff.

Theres also 'Geoff-woo' who walks like a pidgeon, wears 2 inch thick glasses and is generally a twat who cant teach. he fails to controll any class and if you shout Geoff-wooooo at him he looks panicky and hides. also likes to take people into his office and tell them off. next plan - poppers under the radiator in there. haha (im joking...)

every teacher is weird really

usual apologies for length, boringness, waste of your/my time
(ThePony, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:53, Reply)

My climbing/judo teacher
Probably one of the hardest guys I've ever met. He was quite a big bloke who just seemed to just get stronger and more solid as he got older. So when he was teaching me in his 60s he was pretty terrifying. He used to invite us to line up to take flying kicks at him during judo lessons just for a laugh. Everyone used to dread being called up for him to demonstrate a throw as you'd end up hitting the mats like a sack o'shite.

Most scary was his short temper which used to appear (thankfully) for about 5 seconds at a time:

"You, the blonde bastard!!"
*to himself* "Don't swear at the children Gerry."

Top bloke though, had a lot of fun at those lessons.
(flimflam_machine, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:42, Reply)

I had a creative writing teacher at college
We all had to go and see a play he'd written. It was about a guy on Death Row, and there were only 4 actors (and not that many more people in the audience to be honest).

There was bit where one of the actors wee'd onto a mirror to make a point about Spinoza, and another bit where the lead female took all her clothes off for no reason. The boys liked that bit.

The teacher was called Richard Edwards. We called him Dick Ed.
(Pachey, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:41, Reply)

One of our RE teachers
was a bit of a liar. Here are a few things he's claimed over the years:

1. He discovered a comet.
2. He discovered an island in Scotland.
3. He's having lunch with Gary Linekar.
4. He's had lunch with the Queen.
5. He was on TV last night.

etc.

Another RE teacher was extremely old fashioned and told a number of people (including myself) in our class that they were going to hell (Both my parents had been married before they married each other, so in Gods eyes my sister and I are bastards). He spent 2 months teaching us The Apostles Creed (and nothing else), before giving up on the class and letting us do as we pleased for the rest of the year. This would have been great, had it not been year 10 and meant we had to catch up on the other 4 or 5 modules in our GCSE revision lessons in year 11 (he'd been asked to leave at this point).

I got a D in RE. WOO!
(PAMPAMPAM, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:24, Reply)

Old biology teacher
One day we were talking about the Ozzy Osbourne show. He said that Ozzy was a pathetic old wanker who can't sing for shit. We asked him what kind of music he liked.

His reply? Black Sabbath.
(thick as a brick I think a no, I mean a yes, but it's all wrong, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:22, Reply)

Ok so
Film Studies: Can be summed up by the following exchange between me and friend.

Friend: Oh yeah *so and so* is a decent teacher... yeah .. used to admire him a lot more before I found out he drug deals at school. You won't repeat that, riiight?"
Me: So long as you don't tell anyone about *other so and so* having a lesbian one night stand.
*shifty smirk*

English: Nervous breakdowns or both.

Music: First one was a scary Scottish bloke that used to perv on the boys then left after a nervous breakdown. Second one was a scary Welsh bloke that perved on BOTH. Third seemed relatively normal. The brass teacher apparently died of cancer then we found out he was really in Argentina. The guitar teacher was younger than a friend's boyfriend.

Graphics: Had about 5 teachers for one lesson. Only 2 of them were actually GRAPHICS teachers. Only 3 were actually qualified teachers.

Science: ... now we come to a real beauty. Mrs X shall we call her. My intense hatred of her for failing to get my name right. After THREE YEARS, she could not get my name right. I surrendered and told the half-deaf bat that she'd got it right. She promptly went around telling everyone how she'd finally got it. HURRAH! ... (wrong) Once during an experiment involving pitch and frequency, turned up machiney thing so that it was screeching. Whilst the entire class writhed around, she stood there and went "I can't hear it!" with a retarded expression on her face. Got revenge by mercilessly taking the piss for entire time with her. Includes the entire class plotting to creep past her and change the clock forward so we could leave early. Mwahahahaha.

More screwed up stuff will probably resurface later.
(ladyintheradiator, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Mr Mason the cat shagger
My form tutor Mr Mason was a born again christian (and a complete cunt). He used to bring in a walkman and a loudspeaker and play hymns during registration. Cunt. On my second day at secondary school I entered the boys toilets in teaching block one (called the 'Bat Cave'???) to find a huge mural in permanent market covering the back wall describing in great detail what Mr Mason did to little kittens. I think the rumor may have started because he had poster on his classroom wall of 2 cats sitting on the piano. Kids are cruel. mr Mason was a cunt. And he shagged cats for defo. Ask anyone who attended Waltham Toll Bar between 1989 and 1994.
(jakes, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:15, Reply)

Piano Man
We tortured all our secondary school teachers - we got our first one fired, our second one developed diabetes and the third died of alcoholism. In 4 years! Thats pretty good going.

None got it as bad as The Lurch, and strange Frankensteinian cross between a young Patrick Moore and.... well, and Frankenstein. A mad glazed stare pierced the room from under massive black perma-cocked eyebrows.

And we tortured the FUCK out of him. Throwing keyboards around playing 'Reggae Demo Number 2' at bowel-emptying volumes... we were evil incarnate.

When the lesson reached this chaotic frenzied peak of what we thought was unbridled creativity (but what the police would call wanton terrorism) he sat behind his piano, staring at the ceiling, playing some classical piece, probably repeating some calming mantra that his therapist taught him under his breath.

Then I saw him a few weeks ago busking at Angel tube station. He plays the violin. Look out for him - thats The Lurch.

And boy did I ever feel guilty. I almost went and apologised.
(That Boy Joe, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:14, Reply)

Mr Travis
My GCSE English teacher, Mr Travis, drove an extremely battered M-at-the-end reg Reanult 4. Kids were always asking him "Sir, sir, why don't you but a new car, yours is shit?!, to which he'd reply "I'm trying to bring down the capitalist system on my own".
(jakes, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:09, Reply)

Mrs Steel..
.had a right go at me over my handwriting skills.. told her get get stuffed as she was a maths teacher not english teacher..

.. seemed logical at the time LOL
( Signify, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:03, Reply)

odd teachers
we had a woodwork teacher who used to talk to himself, when he made a mistake on the blackboard he used to shout at himself like basil fawlty and our p.e. teacher was called mr.bennet and due to the constant fug that surrounded him as he smoked about 80 fags a day we used to call him 'bennet and hedges'. at least we did until he died of cancer. what a role model.
(come2whereimfrom .co.uk, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:01, Reply)

Mr Morris.
Another Story,(shorter this time)

Mr Morris was our Woodwork teacher. He apparantley was gay.

We found out, then the whole school knew.

He hung himself 2 weeks later and was found by Mr Deakin.

Weird
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 17:00, Reply)

one of my sixth form art teachers
was renouned for using dog shit as an art medium
(moik, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 16:56, Reply)

Sedbergh
Having read Humptys stories of Sedbergh based nutters my favourite teacher springs to mind.
Dr C.
On occaision RAF jets would fly down the valley that my school was in.
This scared Dr C.
So much so, he would retire to the safety of the space under his desk and make duck noises untill they went away.
He would make random farm animal noises to illustrate the finer points of Latin verb conjugation and generally acted like a care in the community patient.

(M Rawe from one of Humptys earlier posts had an interesting way of disicplining naughty boys, by bending them over their desks and then kicking them as hard as he physically could while shouting "SCREW KICK".)
(A bit Manchester, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 16:53, Reply)

LSD And the 6th Form Disco
13 Years ago whilst at school we had a Teacher called Mr Dolan. He was a new teacher, pretty straight forward and told you exactly what he thought. Anyway once we left school we all went to 6th form, where funnily enough Mr Dolan started to teach as well, as he had had enough of 11-15 year old twats.

Cue the day of the disco, we were all blagging him to come as the bar would be open, anyway lo and behold "Bernie Dolan" turned up.

He got fucking wankered, everyone buying him drinks etc, some bright spark then decided to spike his drink with Acid.

Well - He went fucking radio, and I mean radio, the weirdest shit he was doing, talking weird languages, dancing like a right cunt too.

Thing is I feel guilty now, as he has Parkinsons disease and I coach his son in a junior football team.

Still - I passed GCSE English with An A and Literature with an A and a Grade 1 in Spoken Languages.

Weird as fuck
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 16:50, Reply)

school cv
infant school:
Mrs Gin, headteacher
nice old lady, forced into early retirement by people excusing bad behavior by claming "well he told me to do it"

primary School:
Ms Kid, year 3 teacher
in a fit of rage threw a lump of chalk on the floor only to have it bounce up and go up my best mates nose (mutch blood and hilarity)

Mr gentry, year 6 teacher,
school disiplinarian, would start each new year by lecturing the class on how mutch of a shame it was that you couldent hit kids anymore whilst holding a 42" bord ruler.

secondary school:
Mr casey, geography
nice bloke but couldent controll kids for shit. was totaly at the mercy of hormonal-as-fuck 14-15 year olds. he would stop teaching as it was 'close to cristmas' in early november.

Ms Ploughman, also geography
broke a leg whilst stealing birds eggs whilst hiking and missed half the course.

Mr cairns, chemistry
Wild blonde hair, would entertain the class with jokes and anncecdotes rather than do work. cool bloke and his class would always end up getting the top results.

mr morley, woodwork
was obsessed with scribers and would spend 3/4 of a lesson instructing us in thier proper use.

special case, star wierdness award!
Mr mills, substiute maths teacher
about 80 he would fall asleap evry lesson. he was the architypal sweet old man, and as sutch avoided the usuall crap that was normally reserved for substitutes. his nodding off was what cost him his job however as he was caught napping through a important exam he was ment to be envidulating.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 16:41, Reply)

Bastard Light.
John (von) Light I think his name was. A total and utter bastard. He was a Zero-tollerance French teacher, and fully responsible for earning his nickname a million times over.

This isn't really a funny story... but he was a housemaster, and the lads over whom he presided rebelled, and vowed that by the end of the year, they'd have given him a nervous breakdown.

They succeeded.

Twice.

It was the small things that did it. Letting sheep into his end of the house while he was on holiday, having a fireworks display INSIDE the house: all rockets and All aimed down the corridoor at his office door. slaughtering his chickens....

He then left our school and went on to be the headmaster of a school in Oswestry. Apparently he was still a bastard.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 10 Nov 2005, 16:38, Reply)

Mr. Goodlad
took some year 11s to a French gay bar whilst on a school trip.
(The Disillusioned Starburst, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 16:37, Reply)

My college teacher..............
.... used to kiss the blokes on the head if they fell asleep in class to wake them up, he also did the full "haka" for us one day for no reason and his nick name was the screaming skull.

And he's so old that one day he fell asleep in his car and got woken up to a student banging on the window because he thought he was dead!!!! He was a cool bloke though.
(xlux, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 16:34, Reply)

R.e teacher got sacked, he sent out a kid in class
Then, afterwards, threw him down the stairs...
(David Fishwick Minibus Sales - notmad.co.uk, Thu 10 Nov 2005, 16:34, Reply)

Eric Trevor Allison.
He was one of nature's true latin teachers: no more capable of keeping control of kids than a the Ginger Führer is of looking after a laptop in a pub...

He was infact autistic. His knowledge of train and bus timtables was undenably freaky. sure... he used the system regularly, but he knew ALL timtables: not only our area, but for all of the midlands.

He has serious personal hygene issues. he had BAD problems with B-O, breath, teeth, you name it.

He wore the same clothes day-in, day out. He'd go running in his teaching clothes, beraka killer-sweat, and then teach for a week in teh same clothes.

The best thing about his Temper. It was guaged by his states of un-dress.

Stage 1: pens out of pocket. He'd line up his 3 parker roller-ball-pens on right hand side of the desk, (red, blue, black from right to left)

Stage 2: his watch would come off, (cheesy strap and skin-mulch and all...), and would be positoned on the LHS of the desk.


Stage 3. Jacket off. Positioned on the back of the chair.

Stage 4: (becoming volatile) Off with the Tie. He taught in the school for 4 years while I was there, and it was ALWAYS the same puke-green tie. Placed in top left jacket pocket (where the pens came from)

Stage 5. Final stage, and always pre-curser to a serious session of rage. Screaming, shouting, and spit flying from his mouth.

We favoured this when compared to his good moods.. when he was in a good mood, he'd put his arm around your shoulder as he explained the complexities of the dative form or Puer.

Not fun: There's a limit to how long a 10year-old can hold his breath.

We used to push him to stage 4, and hover on the brink of stage 5 for as long as we could. I kid you not: his stages were simple and amusing, and he NEVER deviated from the set path of anger, no matter how hard you pushed.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 10 Nov 2005, 16:29, Reply)