Another one...
A few years back I played guitar in a folk duo with a lass who sang called Julie. We were kind of a poor man's Richard & Linda Thompson. Which was lucky because Julie would only sing songs by R< and Sandy Denny/Fairport Convention, which cut the reportoire down a bit. Now, Julie was fit as a butcher's dog. Of a certain age, blonde hair, a bit like Dolly Parton's rougher sister. Would I do her if I had the chance? Oh yeah, still would.
Julie had a bloke, a big butch biker bloke called Mark. So, one fine day I'm up her house, we've rehearsed for a while, sunk a few beers, and all three of us are couddled up on the couch. Mark's playing with her snatch, I'm fondling her tits and thinking yay, threesome ahoy. Which is when Julie announces she doesn't feel like it. I was somewhat disappointed but hey, what can you say? Which is the moment that Mark says "Oh, if Julie doesn't fancy it why don't you shag me?" To cut a long story short he liked a rough anal shag (which I didn't provide, I must say). Basically, Julie used to rag his arse raw on a regular basis and he didn't like her to stop until he screaming in pain with blood pissing out of his arse. And now he felt like having something warm go up there. It's such an erotic image isn't it? I made my excuses and left and the folk duo split up a couple of days later. (I'd also found out Julie had been working on her back, the reviews are still on Punternet if you know the right name to search for. Hint: dead folk singer.)
(hypostomus, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 19:03, Reply)

hmm...
The most surprising if not necessarily worst sex I've ever had was with a Glaswegian taxi driver called Sean on a beach in Corfu about 10 years ago. There we are doing the deed early one morning when... you've all heard the tale about the dog sticking it's nose up your arse? Well on this occasion this large black beast wanted more. As in, he wanted to jump on and join in. Having a cross between a great dane and a shetland pony trying to poke you whilst you're simulataeneously trying to keep shagging and fend the bugger off is not funny. Oh, and when I was done I stuck my head up to find a line of awestruck fifteen year olds watching. One of them stroked my ego wonderfully by saying "My God, it's huge!". I feel sorry for the poor sod, 'cos I've only got the standard six inches.
(hypostomus, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 18:54, Reply)

actually you don't shout spider man
it's "go web go!"
(commodore modesty, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 18:39, Reply)

Spiderman
that's where you pull out in the vinegar strokes and fire it into their face yelling spiderman!
(sailorspoon started wiping his own arse from, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 18:33, Reply)

Spiderman
Go web! Go!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 21 Jun 2007, 17:48, Reply)

Spiderman?
Let me guess... does it involve ejaculating into one's hand, and then flinging the resultant mess into the other person's face?
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 17:39, Reply)

not me
but my friend karl, who is an adventurous fellow. He likes to do silly things with some of his conquests.

like the time he takes home some lass he picked up in the club. he fell asleep, during play, on top. Both arms locked, propping him up from the bed. presumabl snoring as loud as he usually does.
the next thing he knows is it's morning, she's gone, and he has a MASSIVE foot-shaped bruise on his chest.

or the time his girlfriend bit him 'down there'.
Mind you, she was justified, cos while she was doing the deed, he was watching the snooker, and started clapping as 'hendry got a century break'.

he's done funnier things, but he (and we) think they're fantastic, such as the time he did a 'spiderman' on some unsuspecting girl. they'd be much better in a 'silly things youve done during sex' QotW
( lo, the Greebo Warrior - Est. 2002, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 17:33, Reply)

ancrenne
wow, you really are a disgusting fucking whore...
(Dame Throktar McBurgermuff, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 17:11, Reply)

Best place I ever had public sex!
www.virtualblueridge.com/parkway_tour/overlooks/00019.asp

Just beyond that stone retaining wall is a ledge, then a hill that turns into a cliff. I got laid at the bottom of said retaining wall.

Good times...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 16:38, Reply)

Valentine's Day
I met a girl near the end of the night, who was a rather excellent blonde goth. Delighted at my luck, I followed her to the taxi which took us to her flat. Back there, we did a lot of sex, all sorts, while listening to an odd mix of Marilyn Manson and Bush by the light of her lava lamp. I woke the next morning feeling satisfied but a little sick from the hangover. She woke about the same time and I gave her a morning kiss. She looked at me in horror at first but said it was nothing. After 5 minutes or so of very strained conversation, I decided to go for a pee and head home, assuming she didn't like what she saw. Upon looking in the bathroom mirror I realised that my whole face, from just below my eyes, my neck, chest, hands, stomach and thighs were covered in dried blood. I washed it off in the sink and went back to the girl and she didn't mention a thing and I never asked.

We continued our arrangement for about 4 weeks until I accidentally came in her eye, which seemed to have an effect on her ability to answer my calls.
( drbroon abloooobloobloo, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 16:30, Reply)

Just to finish off!
Worst sex I ever dreamt I had.

In a park, among the bushes with Eddie Murphy laughing like a loon!


I win!
( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 16:17, Reply)

Not my story, thank bog...
My girlfriend tells the story of a friend of hers who was giving her hubby a blowjob (apparently a rare occurrence) when, in mid-suck, he said, "Hey, could you set the alarm? I gotta get up at six."

I think he managed to keep his equipment, but that was the last blowjob he ever got from her...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 15:43, Reply)

Last night
Mid-coitus, the young lady asks me:

"What does the J stand for in 'JD' from scrubs"

wtf

Killed the mood a bit. However I think I qualify for the worst sex ever if that was the most pressing thing on her mind at the time.
(Just_Mister, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 15:22, Reply)

i was drunk so was she
it was like having sex with a log

nuff said
(gobbledegook blurs the line between lurking and stalking, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 15:01, Reply)

Papa, can you hear me?
I once shagged a guy who could only have sex while listening to the soundtrack from "Yentl".

Length? 47 minutes 24 seconds. On repeat.
(tattoosydney should be going to bed...., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:30, Reply)

Not my worst sex, but definitely the weirdest...
I once picked up a nice young man on the internet one evening and invited him over to my house. We had a joint and some of that gay anal sex that so many of the 16 year olds on here seem to find so gross. All very nice, so he slept over.

The next morning, when we woke up, we started in for another go. Suddenly I noticed that there was bright, wet, red stuff all over his hands and his body, that was now all over me as well. This caused me to panic slightly - no one likes a bleeding todger.

After a few minutes of inspection, it appeared that nothing was cut or bleeding on either of us. However, the mood was definitely ruined, so he went home.

It was only after he left that I found, on his side of the bed, a red whiteboard marker. I can only assume that (for some reason) he had gotten up during the night, hunted through my desk, found a big red texta, drawn all over his body with it, and gone back to sleep ...
(tattoosydney should be going to bed...., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:14, Reply)

having sex

with Nikki Webster would make you feel guilty wouldn't it?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:02, Reply)

Am i the only person
who is turned on by the idea of a lady throwing up on my cock?
( 100% Cock Raw like carrots., Thu 21 Jun 2007, 14:01, Reply)

NSFF
Jugular - almost all of this QotW is NSFF.

I've been feeling sick all week reading this stuff. It almost put me off having sex ever again.

But it hasn't!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:15, Reply)

Negotiation
Can we all agree that the worse sex involves someone the wrong size for you, unexpected blood/pain and poor partner choice?

I would also like people to start stating NSFF - meaning Not Suitable for Food, as I was eating a nice Foccacia whilst reading some peoples stories and nearly choked/puked.
(Jugular, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 13:06, Reply)

Girls' bottoms are not fragrant paradises..
At least not on more than one occasion, and I wasn't even trying to do anything to her arse. Fortunately the rest of her smelt ok, but the arse almost put me off doing anything. Wash FFS, Wash!

Also, can we please drop the gay=backdoor action thing. First off, gay sex isn't necessarily about anal sex (there are gay/bi men that never have it)and second you wear a condom unless you're utterly insane.
(EssY, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 12:08, Reply)

Banjo story time...
Me and the Mrs were making sweet love (read: drunken angry sex), when suddenly I looked down and she was covered in blood.

I looked her square in the eyes and said, "are you bleeding?" to which she replied, with a most confused expression, "am I bleeding?!"

She then proceeded to look down at her crotch, and then leg it out of the room like lightning, all embarassed.

So, I was sat there in our room, twiddling my thumbs, gazing at my blood-soaked penis. Then I saw a drip of blood. Then another. Then another.

I knocked on the bathroom door, whsipering, "it's me!"

It wasn't at all painful, and I'm normally quite partial to a sight of blood, but when I bled from my penis, my head didn't agree and I started feeling dizzy.

For the next couple of weeks, my penis healed up and I couldn't have sex or even pull the plonker. I eventually consulted my doctor, who suggested a circumcision. Although it didn't appear it after the surgery, it was the best suggestion I've ever received and don't regret a thing - no more nob cheese!

The only sad part to this tale is, we didn't get to finish the sex. Hmph.
(Roll Fizzlebeef enjoys a good Cleveland Steamer, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 12:03, Reply)

And While We're Being Real...
If there's something even vaguely phallic about an object, some girl, somewhere, will have stuck it up her twat.....

Aye - humans are a curious bunch..
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:48, Reply)

Lets get real!
Come on people, lets be truthful. If theres a small hole around anywhere in the world then some guy will have stuck his cock in it.
( girlinthehole, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:43, Reply)

The mouth is designed...
...to ingest foodstuffs.

Cock is a foodstuff.

QED.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:43, Reply)

Bugger! (No pun intended)
I was hoping nobody would spot that gaping hole (fnuur fnurr) in my argument.


EDIT: And I'm also a great fan of a tit-wank so I think I better go outside and beat myself up for blatant hypocrisy.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 21 Jun 2007, 11:40, Reply)