The shower routine - I always get it wrong...
Now I know that I'm not the only one who does this, so I'm putting on here to break the taboo.

Whenever I shower I always, and without forethought or reason, wash myself in a particular order - soap on hands, onto arms, pits, chest, back legs, genitals, genitals, genitals, arse. Then always I stop, think to myself "Shit. I've done it again". Then wash my hands thoroughly again twice and wash my face. If I just started with my face and finished with my hands AFTER the arse, surely THAT would be a more hygienic method and there'd be no more nearly washing my face in my own poo?!

...
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 9:30, 39 replies)

Bizarre habits was a couple of weeks ago

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 9:41, closed)

bizarre habits?
Showering isn't bizarre, you mucky monster, you!
(downhill without brakes . It was the worst day of my life, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 22:32, closed)

Then again, if you wiped your arse EVERY time you took a dump
and not just when your aunties remind you to, you wouldn't be covered in poo all the time.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 10:32, closed)

^^ This is sage advice
*makes note*
( snee held his breath since, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 10:35, closed)

Nah, you are doing it wrong
start at the pubes and use as a foaming pad. Spread foam all over your body from that area.
( Peej, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 11:02, closed)

...and this is why you lost your job as a primary school PE teacher.

( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 11:09, closed)

If your Primary School kids have pubes
Then you're DEFINITELY doing it wrong.
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 20:15, closed)

^ this
glad it's not just me then

[edit]

not ^ this the one above it
( shitkicker, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 15:54, closed)

Hmmm
I start on head and use that as the foaming pad...
(Zutroy started without you, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 3:48, closed)

That's no good
I'm bald.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 14:49, closed)

Hmmm
Seems logical to me to start on the top (i.e. hair) and then work my way down.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Tue 20 Jul 2010, 11:04, closed)

This is one of those you really can't do wrong, it's all down to the individual so long as you get cleaner, for me soap gets it clean so order is irrelevant,
just for the record I go hands, face/head, pits, genitals, arse, all dabbed with a little shower gel, then back to face (oh bugger now I'm doing this in the voice of the Old Spice Man) and I go thru the same routine this time foaming and spreading it around to the shoulders and all extremities, then I take the shower head off it's mount and switch it to power flow and rinse from the top down.

Then after only a few minutes I smell like the man YOUR man could smell like if he only used Lidls Lemon and Tea Tree body wash! *holds product* I'm on a duck board!
( ..wil, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 11:27, closed)

on a similar note
If you somehow got shit on your hand would you a: wash your hands? Or b: just wipe them with a dry tissue?

If a: why do you wipe your arse with dry toilet paper?

FYI, I use baby wipes, one of the benefits of having kids around I suppose.
(Kip, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 11:40, closed)

well, the dry tissue would do a fair job at removing all remaining residue from your hands - where it might fall down, however, is on removing certain potentially-harmful bacteria.

Onto why this is a somewhat nonsensical comment. Your butthole, despite being lovingly cleansed with babywipes, will very quickly replenish its bacterial load - you are achieving a temporary victory at best. Furthermore, whilst you might conceivably chew your nails (although you've presumably reached homeostasis with the various bugs in your own body), or transmit said germs to door handles and whatnot, you're probably fairly unlikely to be chewing on your own ass, or ramming doorhandles into its dark recesses.

In short, bogroll exists to keep your pants clean, rather than establish a scorched-earth policiy for bacteria. Hands, being used for somewhat more varied tasks than arses, require more dilligent cleaning.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 13:37, closed)

top marks
good explanation, i would be against an ad campaign that promoted a "scorched earth" policy on bum wipage
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:22, closed)

it could possably be after a curry

(roadkillontoast, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 19:47, closed)

"you're probably fairly unlikely to be chewing on your own ass, or ramming doorhandles into its dark recesses."
Half right, anyway.
(richardm, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:24, closed)

true
Which is why I always use an alcohol style gell for my hands after I've been to the loo or touched someone else's keyboard etc.
(Kip, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 8:53, closed)

No kids here but wet wipes are ace.
I think they stuck around from when I was a small child, but they save time and are more hygienic than plain paper.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:07, closed)

I find them...
...horribly stingy on the ole' marmite pot. Perhaps I just have an overly delicate derriere.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:26, closed)

As a side note
does anyone remember the tracing paper toilet roll at school? Any kid going to school in the 80's must have stunk of shit. :\ I remember training my body to shit at home.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 14:50, closed)

Yep
..also to be found at my grandmother's house.
Crinkly, painful, and didn't even do a particularly good job of smearing, let alone removing.
(Kyzia was here on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 16:55, closed)

Izal
if i remember right
(boarders You won't catch me with my trousers, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 18:14, closed)

Izal is correct
In the words of more than one famous person, it didn't clean the shite off, it just spread it around.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 20:47, closed)

Well remembered!
Those kids don't know how good they got it now, PC's and the ability to wipe their asses properly ;)
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 10:01, closed)

Baby wipes...
...block your bog. I know from painful experience from spending an exceedingly hung over morning with my head and shoulders down a manhole (guffaw, fnarr, fweep) scraping baby wipes from the shit encrusted waste pipes beneath my driveway, after my dear father had crimped off a length of spine, flushed and watched in horror as his poo-baby floated to the rim of the crapper.

From that point onwards, I actively encouraged my wife to desist from flushing baby wipes down the trap. My daughter uses moist paper tissue instead, which she kindly also allows me to use. Far fewer finger-through-the-damp-bog-paper-and-into-my-own-ruddy-tea-towel-holder incidences, and I get to wipe my arse with Winnie-the-Pooh. Sweet. I knew there had to be some benefits from having children.
(Tighthead, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 19:59, closed)

My brother unblocked an oveflowing drain in his garden last year
and removed several carrier bags of stinky baby wipes. The wipes don't disintegrate like bog paper does and get caught in the pipes.

His family don't use them so they're coming from another household nearby. I told him to print out a letter of advice and shove copies through all the doors of the houses up-pipe from him.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 23:11, closed)

i only use them for the final wipe
Just for the extra freshness, so 1 a day max down the bog
(Kip, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 8:56, closed)

Butt (see what I did there?), that's how it starts.
Thats what they all say. You use one a day, then gradually it creeps up, and before you know it, you're up to your neck in shite, scrabbling in your drains.

We now use Tesco own toddler wipes, guaranteed not to clag your drains*, and in a choice of fruity flavours (WTF?); fruits of the forest and citrus, or something.




* may not be true
(Tighthead, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 10:28, closed)

*wants a citrusy tea towell holder

God knows what brand the Missus buys, the first thing she does is take them all out of the packet and put them in a Disney Cars tub so the look more appealing to the little one.
(Kip, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:56, closed)

For a a citrusy tea towel holder
take a plastic Jif lemon into the shower and give it a squirt.
Let us know how you get on.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:46, closed)

stung my ring sonewhat
The idea was a good one though.
(Kip, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 21:54, closed)

for this very reason...
... it is unwise to use kitchen roll to wipe your arse because you've run out of bog roll and are too lazy or skint to buy more. Toilet roll (and moist toilet tissue) is specifically formulated to disintegrate in water.

Kitchen roll, baby wipes, old newspapers, Conservative party election leaflets etc are either not specifically designed to disintegrate or are specifically designed not to disintegrate.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 14:54, closed)

But the Conservative party election leaflets
feel sooooooooo goooooooooooooooood.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 16:44, closed)

i don't have that problem
i don't wash my face in the shower and NEVER wash it with anything but water. never had spots, either.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 17:14, closed)

For the love of Jaysus
Wash your genitals first - these are the most important bits.
Rub one out - while you still have hot water.
All the other parts are largely inconsequential.

And wash your face in your basin. You are going to have a shave, aren't you? Like any civilised bwana?

I don't know what the ladies do, as I always kick them out, or make them sleep in the guest wing after magic-time
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 20:23, closed)

After living in West Africa for a few years
I've got so used to using fingers and water from a small plastic kettle and then washing hands very well afterwards. It feels better and gives you a quick health test in a kind of (DR) Gillian McKeith way. Does leave your boxers slightly damp for a few mins though but I can live with that.
(Wagane, Tue 20 Jul 2010, 23:50, closed)

Hmm, yup, Nigerian beaches
A lecturer who'd lived in Nigeria told us that as he and his wife once stood on an idyllic Nigerian beach at sunset, enjoying the breathtaking view, a couple of buses full of local workers stopped nearby.

The workers climbed out and began trooping home along beach. As they went, they'd stop, drop their pants, crap on the sand and then carry on walking.

It seems that to them, the part of the beach below the tide was a public bog, not a lovers' rendezvous.

Killed the mood a bit.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 21 Jul 2010, 13:13, closed)

i do the same bloody thing
:(
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Thu 22 Jul 2010, 14:58, closed)