clearly, the world is going to end at the end of the month
I never thought the guardian would go in for such tabloidy stuff

www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jul/02/swine-flu-uk

Favourite disease/illness? I like gout.
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:44, archived)

Why do they need 60m vaccines if they are expecting 100k a day to catch it?

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:46, archived)

They will take off and vacinate the site from orbit

(thediscokingpin, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:47, archived)

If John travels to London at 60 mph at 3pm, and Steven drives to london at 55mph at 4pm
both being 100 miles from london, who will catch swine flu first?
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:47, archived)

If it's me, I shall be mightily pissed off.

( thealternativefact, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:51, archived)

well, usually you manufacture for the population, so 60m
but the health secretary should shut the fuck up. "Cases are doubling every week and on this trend we could see over 100,000 cases per day by the end of August"

Yes, if you use maths. On the other hand, if you knew more than the square root of fuck all about epidemic spread modelling (and hey, you're only the bastard health secretary, why should you know anything about that? it's only your job) then your 100,000 a week is rubbish and frankly idiotic to say. You might as well go "oh fuck, we're all going to die of zombieAIDS" ... you'll be as accurate and create the same level of panic.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:42, archived)

I read the end of your link as Swine fuck

(thediscokingpin, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:46, archived)

SEXY PIGS.

( sleepybinky, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:35, archived)

YOU RANG?

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:38, archived)

from skimming that article it doesn't really seem that alarmist
does anyone know what the mortality rate is?
( well, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:46, archived)

1.5%
16.2% APR

Your swine may be reposessed if you do not vomit blood.
(thediscokingpin, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:47, archived)

100%
Unless you've discovered the fountain of youth
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:48, archived)

if only the context of my post offered some cues which might have helped avoid this comic misunderstanding :(

( well, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:50, archived)

Im just being difficult today
I blame the heat:(
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:51, archived)

What do you normally blame?

( Pickle Fairy is clumsily dancing away this fear, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:11, archived)

JMG, of course.

( thealternativefact, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:11, archived)

You

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:25, archived)

:(

( Pickle Fairy is clumsily dancing away this fear, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:34, archived)

The retardation.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:28, archived)

Thats sweet Gonzo
But i couldnt let you take the fall for it
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:31, archived)

It must be almost in double figures in Aberdeen right now
I don't know how you can cope
( Theoban What of it, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:32, archived)

28 degrees on the thermometer yesterday evening

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:36, archived)

I blame all the granite
And the resulting radiation
( Theoban What of it, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:37, archived)

Stupid country always gives weather you dont expect

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:38, archived)

THUNDER storms here tonight
I'm looking forward to this muchly
( Theoban What of it, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:40, archived)

i think only 3 people out of about 10000 have died so far in the uk

( Mrs Sp@m, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:48, archived)

They're regretting their rush to be fashionable.

( thealternativefact, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:49, archived)

Not to mention that those 3 had pre-existing medical conditions

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:56, archived)

so basically swine flu is killing off the weak, leaving a strong master race

( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:01, archived)

This virus is worse than Hitler!
I demand the government take action and invade France.
( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:03, archived)

I'm a big necrotising fasciitis fan

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:47, archived)

Thats what Friz has, isnt it?

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:48, archived)

I never thought you'd go in for such a liberal, lefty, bet-wetting, yoghurt knitting, pinko newspaper as The Guardian.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:49, archived)

Its best to read a variety of papers, dont you think?

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:51, archived)

I thought you hated it and its readers.

( RR I love you ... in a way, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:59, archived)

Then this must be quite a revelation for you
Perhaps you should sit down, its simply earth shattering.
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:01, archived)

No thats what happens when YOU sit down
LOL
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:01, archived)

Mykey is actually rilly, rilly deep.

( Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:43, archived)

I'm not scared of swine flu, first off I'm not even a pig!

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:51, archived)

That's swine fever.

( thealternativefact, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:52, archived)

SNNNORF SNNORRF SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:57, archived)

You are sooooo getting fever. And flu.

( thealternativefact, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:59, archived)

oh nose :S

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:00, archived)

IMNA SLICE YOU UP FOR BACON SARNIES

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:09, archived)

LOL JOKE IS ON YOU
I'm only enough bacon for half a sarnie.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:14, archived)

i'll photocopy the slices and have twice as many!

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:16, archived)

be sure to check for staples

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:20, archived)

some smart thinking there, gludelroo

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:24, archived)

hahaha

( moohalaa, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:21, archived)

damn yoooooo!

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:32, archived)

me one, you zero

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:34, archived)

HARSH!
I so going to write about this in my livejournal
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:35, archived)

i'm going to boast about it in my blogger!

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:39, archived)

i u
( Mrs Sp@m, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:52, archived)

:'(
I wish I was one *sniff*
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:56, archived)

i still think you're a bunch of pugs operating a human shaped robot

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:12, archived)

sssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:14, archived)

secret is safe with me, pugtron

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:17, archived)

*zoop beep snuffle blorp*

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:20, archived)

Fuck it, that's going to cause havoc with my wedding.

( Jobe, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:51, archived)

Good excuse not to go through with it :)

( Maximinimus you stick around I'll make it worth your while, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:56, archived)

Best have an affair, just to be safe.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:09, archived)

Only if you catch it first and then spend the ceremony licking out the bridesmaids and spitting in their eyes

( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 14:57, archived)

if you think that's bad wait until you find out what i've done to your cake

( Lightguy hail satan, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:05, archived)

don't worry, there are clinics where you can take it to have an abortion without anyone finding out

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:07, archived)

"clearly, the world is going to end at the end of the month."
I never thought mykey would go in for such tabloidy stuff
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:01, archived)

I'm just looking forward to the zombie phase

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:08, archived)

BRAAAAAAAIIINSSSSS

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:10, archived)

I am currently reading World War Z for about the tenth time
Smashing stuff.
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:11, archived)

Will you be feasting on brains or running away?

( thealternativefact, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:11, archived)

if she tries to eat my brains i'll push her in a hedge

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:17, archived)

Bastard
Edit: Also, I wouldn't reach.
Edit2: It'd be less filling than a Happy Meal
( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:20, archived)

my brain would be like a jacobean banquet

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:26, archived)

I've seen that I Am Legend film (starring Will Smith, out now on Bluray and DVD).
The cure is going to turn us into eaither really-fast zombies or really crappy vampires.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:11, archived)

Will Smith is a shitcunt

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:13, archived)

Haha, 'shitcunt', two swares in one word, I'm going to have to use that.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:25, archived)

every giggly post in the last couple of hours has had 'shitcunt' in it

( manolith hooray for me, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:28, archived)

Will Smith is a terrible murderer of dogs.
MURDERER.
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:26, archived)

Did you contract him to do your misses in?

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:29, archived)

No, but i might chuck him a few quid to do your mum
Someones got to
( Mykeyboy A massive, salty filing cabinet, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:33, archived)

obesity

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:12, archived)

more of a lifestyle choice than an illness isn't it?

( well, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:14, archived)

ok then, gayness

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:14, archived)

do you get fat gays?

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:21, archived)

all I've got left is the mercy of the Lord

( moohalaa, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:22, archived)

I can't help noticing that god hates fags but he's apparently ok with fat people
clearly Fred Phelps knows which side his bread is buttered

I might have to make a website condemning their sinful lifestyle
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:24, archived)

We are the beloved of the Lord
All angels are tubby. It's the devil who can fit into a size 6
( Theoban What of it, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:29, archived)

I might do this, just to annoy fat religious merkins

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:29, archived)

i can't think that there could be a better way for you to spend your time
good luck
( well, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:32, archived)

I could incorporate an online shop selling christian weight loss pills and really clean up

( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:36, archived)

Each pill has a picture of a very slim Jesus on it

( Theoban What of it, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:37, archived)

i've never seen a fat jesus

( well, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:38, archived)

It's a closely guarded secret that he weighed in excess of twenty stone and used one of those fat people scooters to get to Damascus

( Theoban What of it, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:39, archived)

i feel sorry for whoever had to heave him up onto the cross

( well, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:40, archived)

there wasn't a rock in front of his tomb
they just couldn't push his body in any further
( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:40, archived)

"Buy Reverend Frank's Holy Weight Loss Pills or you won't fit through the Pearly Gates"
this may be the best idea I've ever had in my entire life
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:41, archived)

buy 6 packs and get a free crucisick, a cross with soft plastic tips for putting down your throat

( glued eel /questions/questionsyoudliketoask/post1648081, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:39, archived)

I'm deffo doing this
I'm going to get rich with idiots' money
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:43, archived)

Slemmel's Disease

( Theoban What of it, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:23, archived)

As long as it doesn't kill healthy adults
then I don't really give a fuck.
( WormuIus, Thu 2 Jul 2009, 15:39, archived)