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I went to Glastonbury once.
I thought it was a bit shit. My highlights were: Ben Folds Five, Ultrasound, Robbie Williams and watching Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds on my own cos all my friends fucked off to see Bernard fucking Butler. My lowlight was being at Glastonbury. This is my Glastonbury story, tell me yours. If you don't have one, tell me a fact about yourself.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:10, archived)
I don't have much planned for today.

(I helped save b3ta! Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:11, archived)
Got a job yet?

(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:14, archived)
Not really.
A few bits and pieces of freelance work, nothing permanent.
(I helped save b3ta! Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:25, archived)
i went to glastonbury twice.
the first time i jumped the fence and got sunburnt and kept slipping about on slippery mud, also my boyfriend got punched by a guy who nicked his hat. the guy then came up and apologised and gave him his own hat. free hat.
(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:12, archived)
the second time i went
i don't remember anything notable. i watched music, ate food, drank... um yeah. thats about it.
(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:13, archived)
FREE HAT HOLY SHIT

(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:15, archived)
INORITE
i also got a free hat at the Big Chill, because there was a hat-making tent. Awesome.
(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:17, archived)
and latitude was possibly my favourite but omg so very far.

(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:21, archived)
I've never been.
I have a birthmark on my bell end.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:12, archived)
I don't think I have any birthmarks.
Plenty of freckles and 'beauty spots'.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:16, archived)
i have two birthmarks in my scalp and numerous blemishes all over.

(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:17, archived)
It's red.
And it tastes of cherry if you lick it.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:21, archived)
How do you know this?
Have you had ribs removed?
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:27, archived)
he has a massive penis
has is
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:28, archived)
I wish I could suck myself off.
I'd never go out.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:31, archived)
if it would stop you posting on here too, I'm prepared to pay for the necessary surgery

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:33, archived)
DEAL.
Use the donate button on here:

baldmonkeystuff.co.uk/dear%20baldmonkey/

It's in the column on the right.

Cheers.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:41, archived)
it won't let me pay in drachma :(((((((
not only did the Greeks joining the Euro fuck up the entire European economy, but it also means I can't pay to make you shut up. Stupid Greeks.
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:47, archived)
You useless prick.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:49, archived)
Is that what you're saying to your penis? bit harsh

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:51, archived)
Between straining.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:56, archived)
NNNNNNNGGGGGGGGHHHHhhhhhh.........

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:59, archived)
I would like to go to Glastonbury one day
But not the festival, I want to see all the hippy shops filled with crystals and shit and the druids dancing round the Tor and all the bad poetry books
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:12, archived)
Haha.
Out of season Glastonbury. Still, it won't be full of Tarquins and Freyas.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:17, archived)
It'll be filled with Geranium Posy II Archdruid of Warwick
And Merlins. Loads of Merlins. It's a LARPer town, I'd fit right in with my wineskin
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:19, archived)
as a town it's shit.
properly shit. so there.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:07, archived)
never been
I've had an operation and I'm BOOORRRREEDDD!!!!
(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:14, archived)
what was the operation for?

(I helped save b3ta! jenpots, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:17, archived)
had a ganglion removed from my wrist
and it 'urts
(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:18, archived)
i had a ganglion on my ankle once, it was ace and felt no pain.

(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:19, archived)
and you could pinch the skin up and pinch really hard but no pain.

(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:20, archived)
PELVIC SPLANCHNIC GANGLION

(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:24, archived)

LANCHNIC G
(I helped save b3ta! Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:48, archived)
I had a gang of lions in my wrist once too
They hurt more when they were in
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:48, archived)
That was rubbish
Go home
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:56, archived)
it was tend'n towards being a good effort though

(I helped save b3ta! vladimir, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:00, archived)
Oof
I need a lie down now
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:09, archived)
a group of lions is a pride, not a gang

(I helped save b3ta! Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:11, archived)
the young lions go around in gangs, chillin', yo nigga, all that sort of stuff, but because they take drugs they have no pride because drugs are for losers so they can't call themselves a pride
dunno.
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:16, archived)
STRAIGHT OUTTA KENYA
CRAZY MUTHAFUCKA NAMED SIMBA
(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:18, archived)
DRUGS AND GUNS ON THE STREETS OF THE CITY
LIFE IS HARD IN THE SERENGETI, YO
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:24, archived)
What operation?
I had an operation once. I don't remember it as I was only 18 months old. It was to remove skin tags from my little fingers. I have plastic surgery and everything.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:20, archived)
I cant use my right hand
And its my favourite one
(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:23, archived)
I have never been.
I don't have a middle name.
(I helped save b3ta! jenpots, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:16, archived)
The. Lovely. Jenpots.
right there. Lovely.
(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:18, archived)
*chuckles*
ok, I have an internet middle name, I don't have a real life middle name.
(I helped save b3ta! jenpots, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:20, archived)
reminded of this, if you know it.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0UZX-ZibpI#t=1m
(I helped save b3ta! RocketSurgeon is pretending he's still young, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:23, archived)
I've got two.
You can have one of mine if you like. You can't have a choice though. You can be Jen Helen Pots.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:21, archived)
... fanks
*walks round corner, drop 'Helen' in the bin*




OMG Blue Star! You wouldn't believe it, a big dog knocked my over and stole that middle name you gave me!
(I helped save b3ta! jenpots, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:25, archived)
:(
I was being nice. I don't think you're The Lovely Jenpots at all. You're The Meanie Jenpots

*runs off crying*
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:28, archived)
It did really knock me over!
*runs back to bin, gets 'Helen' out, wipes chips and ketchup off it*

Oh look! I found it. The big dog must've dropped it. I'm so happy.
*sticks 'Helen' between my names*

Mini-Ninja has the family middle name, from Trev's side. Her middle name is Drew.
(I helped save b3ta! jenpots, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:37, archived)
whats your other one?

(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:27, archived)
Elizabeth.
She can't have that though because it's a family name.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:29, archived)
I have an aunt Elizabeth, it is my sister's middle name and soon it's my brother's wife's name.
Excellent name.

No Helens that i know of.
(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:38, archived)
although my grandma was an eileen, that's a bit like helen.

(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:39, archived)
eileen hilda and valerie may.

(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:05, archived)
It's my mammy's name.
And I think she had an auntie Elizabeth. If I have a daughter it be part of her name too.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:40, archived)
elizabeth is my middle name.
therefore i am pleased to advise that your choice is approved and endorsed by me.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:08, archived)
yoghurt

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:26, archived)
I've been three times.
The third time I went I kept thinking, 'hang on, this is all the same stalls in exactly the same places, I don't think I'll bother coming again.'
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:17, archived)
(This avoids the need for me to tell you anything about me obviously)

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:18, archived)
Once was enough for me.
It was full of pricks. But I did see John Peel.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:22, archived)
You're right about that. But if I tried to avoid everywhere that's full of pricks I'd never leave the house.

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:26, archived)
Dunno.
There are pricks in my house.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:30, archived)
Same here, and I live alone.

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:34, archived)
Never been
and sadly just about never will. Two Readings, but I only go to All Tomorrows Parties this last decade if anywhere.
(I helped save b3ta! RocketSurgeon is pretending he's still young, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:20, archived)
It sounds shit but
I really can't be arsed with festivals anymore. If I were to go to one, fuck camping.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:23, archived)
i might do the opposite and go camping, fuck festival.

(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:25, archived)
try ATP then. All in chalets at Butlins, very pleasant.

(I helped save b3ta! RocketSurgeon is pretending he's still young, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:27, archived)
That's why I go to Latitiude, I can enjoy the comedy, the literary tent and some music
and fuck off home at 11pm to a warm bed, get up and get back onsite for midday the next day.
(I helped save b3ta! magnum, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:45, archived)
Keith Allen was bein all waki and walking around the hospitality area with his pants pulled down
I didn't see anyone laughing
(I helped save b3ta! Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:22, archived)
I love and loathe that man in equal measure.

(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:24, archived)
That particular day he just being an arsehole

(I helped save b3ta! Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:34, archived)
i remember one time when i didn't want to go to glastonbury so i didn't go

(I helped save b3ta! manolith hooray for me, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:23, archived)
GREAT STORY BRO

(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:26, archived)
MAN DUDE YO
I have the SAME STORY we could be story twins
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:30, archived)
COME TO CHRISTMAS

(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:34, archived)
Yeah that'd be good
I just gotta book the time off (if I can cos they normally have controls on days around Christmas) and flights and so on.
(I helped save b3ta! Theoban What of it, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:37, archived)
i've signed up for christmas
but i have no idea how broke i'll be by then
(I helped save b3ta! sleepybinky, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:14, archived)
I may have said it before
but when I was a wee Frisbee I was held by the cast of Platoon while they were out filming in the Phillippines
(I helped save b3ta! Frisbee TeaBoy, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:35, archived)
held as in kidnapped?
did your parents pay the ransom?
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:39, archived)
He was the child extra that the cast repeatedly raped for added realism

(I helped save b3ta! Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:45, archived)
No, held as in when you hold a baby in your arms
That kind of held
(I helped save b3ta! Frisbee TeaBoy, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:46, archived)
yes I knew that really
just because you're a high flying legal type, doesn't mean the rest of us are thickies. Apart from baldmonkey obviously.
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:48, archived)
Did any of them put a gun to your head?

(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:45, archived)
Fuck off.

(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:46, archived)
Sorry. There was no need for that.
I apologise.
(I helped save b3ta! baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:48, archived)
you are so fucking rude

(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:02, archived)
Never been.
I've just bought tickets to see Jimeoin
(I helped save b3ta! magnum, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:39, archived)
I've found him a bit hit and miss.
Am I wrong, magnum?
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:46, archived)
Hopefully
I've seen about 20 minutes of his stuff and enjoyed it all.
(I helped save b3ta! magnum, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:50, archived)
You may regret this.
Lovely fella, but bland as hell.
(I helped save b3ta! Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:47, archived)
I saw him a couple of years ago at a festival
and really enjoyed his stuff, hoping it wasn't just him trotting out his greatest hits now though.
(I helped save b3ta! magnum, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:49, archived)
I've been his support act quite a few times.
He's funny enough, but never does anything particularly memorable.
(I helped save b3ta! Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:51, archived)
I enjoyed his stuff about eyebrows enormously
Still, we'll see, it's not till October.
(I helped save b3ta! magnum, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 11:52, archived)
I've been five times, first time I was three so don't remember much
Second time it was a horrible mudbath.
Third and fourth times = best time of my life
Fifth time = working too much, no time to have fun, bit rubbish consequently. And they'd put the fence up and all the fun criminal types weren't there any more.
That was a while back, last one was 2001 maybe, expect it's shit these days because I'm not there.

Edit: corrected as accuracy in this issue is vital.
(I helped save b3ta! Zuowan, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:00, archived)
I imagine this is correct

(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:15, archived)
i went to glastonbury in 1995.
it was perfect, and i'm never going back in case it spoils it. it looks shit these days. i'm going to beautiful days in august. fact: i am related to the beverly sisters.
(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:06, archived)
What, all of them?

(I helped save b3ta! Zuowan, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:14, archived)
no. just the middle one.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:19, archived)
How did you feel when Christina Aguilera
stole Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B and made it into Candy Man?
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:17, archived)
DON'T MENTION THAT SLUT AROUND ME.

(I helped save b3ta! janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:19, archived)
I'm distantly related to Craig McLachlan
beat THAT!
(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:17, archived)
Im distantly related to David Mitchell.
I LOSE :(
(Unstable-Dan looks like that bloke out of Scream, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:31, archived)
I went in 1984
I am very old. *creaks*
(wimbley is feeling hungover, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:27, archived)
1983 here.
*beats you in one-upmanship by a whole year*
(I helped save b3ta! Zuowan, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:34, archived)
well it's gone 12 and I STILL don't have a present

(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:12, archived)
are you trapped in some sort of time warp thing transporting you back to the past like Billy Pilgrim?

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:21, archived)
that's a big negatory good buddy
I'm miserable, in pain and need a present to cheer me up.
(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:24, archived)
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
oops capslock sorry
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:26, archived)
a snack maybe? I'm quite easily pleased

(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:27, archived)
I don't have any snacks, sorry.

(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:29, archived)
oh

(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:31, archived)
Another hat?

(I helped save b3ta! Zuowan, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:26, archived)

here you go, have one present for every city in the world, that's like at least five presents, woah
www.what-time-is-it.com/
(I helped save b3ta! vladimir, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:28, archived)
super colossal!!

(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:29, archived)
I was hoping that when I clicked on that it would come up with
STOP! Hammer time.

But it didn't and I'm very disappointed now.
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:32, archived)
Is it your birthday?

(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:26, archived)
nope

(I helped save b3ta! Two Hats 🎩🎩, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:26, archived)
I went in 98 and it was fucking miserable
I saw Sonic Youth and Bob Dylan and that was it.
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:22, archived)
I was there.
Solid rain from Friday to Sunday and I hadn't brought waterproof clothes or money.
(I helped save b3ta! Zuowan, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:25, archived)
I was there from Wednesday to Monday,
at least it was cheap back then but I scarcely left the tent for the last 3 days.
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:27, archived)
I don't know if it was 97 or 98 when I went.
I did watch Bob Dylan for a bit to annoy my dad who loves Bob Dylan.
(I helped save b3ta! Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:28, archived)
That was 98
I haven't been to a festival other than for a day visit since.
(I helped save b3ta! Undulating Tentacles of Love getting fun down to acceptable levels, Thu 23 Jun 2011, 12:39, archived)