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# For about a month now,
me and my mates from work have been sending dozens of letters to the local paper (Kent & Sussex Courier) about dog poo. We wanted to see how many different variations of the term 'dog poo' would get printed. Thankfully they all were(apart from the 'dog expelled stuff from its anus' one...

I've scanned the last three weeks pages, but here's the initial letter that inspired us to greater heights...

Kent & Sussex Courier 28/02/03
Howard Thompson claimed dog faeces curtailed the enjoyment of walkers on Tunbridge Wells Common (Courier, February 21)
I am sick to death of complainers like Howard. I suspect he doesn't even own a dog and I'm sure he doesn't appreciate how difficult it is to control a hound's bowels in the environs.

I used to carry a poop-scoop, but found them to be totally impractical to carry and use.

Anyway the faeces is good for the earth.

It's moaning minnies like him who tread in and spread the mess for everyone else to slip in.

Dogs have as much right as humans to use the common.

Nancy Bellis,
Queens Road
Tunbridge Wells

Courier 07/03/03
Courier 14/03/03
Courier 21/03/03
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:02, archived)
# Dogs have as much right as humans
to use the public loos
Well Said Guy Jonston btw - the unemployed should be made to clean up dog mess in order to get their benefits.
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:04, archived)
# most public loos
are horrible, i wouldn't let my dog poo in them.
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:06, archived)
# .
If not more...
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:06, archived)
# Nancy Bellis
Needs to be hounded.

And every living dog ever as well.

Here's how to get rid of dog poo.

1) Gun
2) Kill dog with gun
3) Replace with Cat (not a dumbass like a dog)
4) feed dog carcass to cat!
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:05, archived)
# but cats
just bugger off until they need feeding.
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:06, archived)
# CareFree?
Need no attention
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:09, archived)
# yup
perfect pet for some.
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:11, archived)
# What a lovely little project.
Did you mention white dog poo, which mysteriously isn't seen anywhere any more? (for some reason, I used to think that it came solely from poodles)
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:06, archived)
# Will do!
Any more suggestions for alternate terms would be greatfully received.

My favourite so far is "dog ordure"
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:08, archived)
# I shall rack my brains this evening,
and come up with more euphemisms than you can swing a kitten at. Schnauzer Droppings, for example.
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:14, archived)
# dog's eggs
pooch poo
mutt muck
puppy plop
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:21, archived)
# miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:23, archived)
# Pooch plop
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:22, archived)
# Names for Dog Poo
My Irish friends name for dog shit is the best... 'Doggy Pukker'
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 12:14, archived)
# White Dog Poo
1. I moderate the Sunderland Message Board (somebody has to) and white dog poo has long been a favourite off topic. Since I was small in the 50s until my nephew moved out in the 80s, a footpath through our estate north of Sunderland was a favourite dumping ground (if you'll pardon the pun) for dogs. Until now we were generally agreed that the phenomenon no longer occurred and that perhaps this was due to the more balanced nature of dog food. What a joy to know it can still be found. You lucky people.
2. My daughter must have been about two when, one day, I returned home for lunch, stepped out of the car and she greeted me with "Daddy, you are in the doggy doo." Of course I immediately checked my boots. Clean. I got in the house and was greeted by a tirade. Apparently I was in the dog HOUSE, not the dog doo (I forget why). But the term dog doo has stuck.
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 12:29, archived)
# they used to put lots of chalk in dog food
i belive. then it was banned.
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:08, archived)
# or mysterious, furry poos
I used to tell my brother they were squirrel tails
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:10, archived)
# I hope he didn't try to stroke them.
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:12, archived)
# that was the plan...
we both thought pooh sticks was a game that involved dogsmuck on the end of a stick..
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:15, archived)
# Or
feed his nuts to them
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:16, archived)
# Why....
...do people say that? I see loads of white dog poo in the summer!
(, Fri 21 Mar 2003, 18:21, archived)
# "dog egg"
I am trying not to laugh as I am in a class of people taking an exam..

(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 12:24, archived)
# That one
got me too.
How about Dog Log??
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 12:34, archived)
# Whit turds
I have been told white dog poo is not common due to the fact that most owners take their dog turds home to crustate.

Or there are a lot of kids playing poo-sticks.
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 12:58, archived)
# White dog poo siting
In London. I saw some in Harrow!!

So impressed was I that I stopped to take a picture (much to the embarrassment of my bloke) with my crappy digital camera, but annoyingly it didn't come out. BUT IT IS OUT THERE. I saw it with the eyes in my head that I look through!
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 17:59, archived)
# Whit dog poop
I have been told by a friend that whit dog poo is not commonly available due to owners taking their dogs gifts home and letting them crustate there.

Or there are a lot of kids playing poo-sticks.
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 13:02, archived)
# Dog Eggs LOL
Just the fact that between you you managed to get "dog egg" in there makes me p*ss with laughter.

As for the silly tart saying dog bob is good for the ground.. what an utter fucktard.

(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 13:12, archived)
# Umm...
...that was us too!...
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 18:25, archived)
# best use of papers ever
If I had a hat, it would be taken off to you.

In the meantimne, here's an old one a friend of mine did in The Irish Independant, posing as a crazed priest alá Fr Ted... :)

(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 13:17, archived)
# That
is beautiful!
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 18:26, archived)
# "Dog faeces are not organic matter"
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 13:42, archived)
# dog filth
pure quality, why didn't we think of that?
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 14:12, archived)
# Absolutely hilarious
Dog Lodestones.
Laughed so much I've had to clear up after myself.
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 14:35, archived)
# What about "Canine Cack" or "Dirty Doggy Drops"?
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 17:33, archived)
# Marvellous :)
"please think of the children"
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 18:11, archived)
# **Update**
I didn't scan today's Courier as we didn't get a chance to send any letters last week.

There were a few "real" complaints about 'Guy Johnson' suggesting that the unemployed should be made to pick up dog eggs or lose their benefit - but that's all.

I promise to do better next week - we are currently trying to organise a protest march, "Residents Against Dog Ordure" - you'll be the first to know the details.

Oh and thanks B3ta. Hope it inspires more sauciness.
(, Fri 28 Mar 2003, 18:36, archived)