b3ta.com board
You are not logged in. Login or Signup
Home » Messageboard » Modernise the Bible » Message 9711095

[challenge entry] BY THE POWER OF SPRAYSKULL!!

From the Modernise the Bible challenge. See all 404 entries (closed)

(I helped save b3ta! cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:24, archived)
# *hides behind sofa*
I don't like that story
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:25, archived)
# We could tell you another story, if you like
Are you sitting comfortably upon this fine candleday?
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:29, archived)
# Yes, comfy with tea
:D
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:34, archived)
# Then I'll begin
Once upon a time, in the distant kingdom of b3taland, there lived a lovely little girl called Mrs Trellis. Trelly, as she was known, liked to go outside to play in the nearby forests. But her parents always warned her, "Never go near the old witch's cottage in the Dark Copse! Bad things happen there!"

(If you're scared, let me know and I can stop)
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:41, archived)
# *settles down with some popcorn*
(I helped save b3ta! Barbarossa is not my real name, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:46, archived)
# But, one day
while out chasing butterflies and rabbits and an abnormally fluffy foxcub, Trelly wandered far into the forest. Soon, without realising it, she was lost! Sitting down on a fallen oak tree (or was it a horse chestnut? But I digress) she pondered her situation.
"Hmm," she thought. "How do I get home? These forests are gi-norrrmous. I know, I'll walk roughly back the way I think I came."
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:52, archived)
# And so she did
But, unbeknownst to her, in her persuit of the fluffy foxcub, she had taken many twists and turns in the forest. Soon, the trees cleared and she found herself... in the Dark Copse!
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:53, archived)
# Oh noes!
*hides behind hands*
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:54, archived)
# In the middle of the copse,
surrounded by twisted yew trees and a somewhat apathetic-looking birch that really could have done with a bit of sunlight and maybe a kind word of encouragement from the other trees, stood the Witch's Cottage. Its stone walls seemed to grow out of the very ground. Strange green vines grew up the side wall, vines that hissed and grabbed insects that flew past.
"Oh no!" said Trelly. "I've defied the laws of probability and ended up in precisely the ONE PLACE in a gi-normous forest that my Mummy and Daddy told me not to go! What are the odds... Still, now that I'm here, I may as well challenge the stereotype of the evil old witch living alone in the woods. Let's see if she's in."
Trelly, in a fit of bravado, strode up to the rough wooden door and knocked loudly.
"Hello!" she shouted. "Hello witchy! It's me, Trelly! Are you home? Are you a nice witch?"
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:00, archived)
# Let it be a nice witch let it be a nice witch let it be a nice witch let it be a nice witch let it be a nice witch
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:02, archived)
# Pffft
you're so getting turned into a toad!
(I helped save b3ta! Barbarossa is not my real name, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:02, archived)
# *bottom lip quivers*
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:03, archived)
# The door cree-ee-eeked open on ancient rusted hinges
Inside, a dim glow from a corner lit the cottage. As Trelly's eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, she saw, slouched in front of a small fire in the fireplace, was a figure. It stirred, incidentally stirring a spider that had taken up residence on its shoulders. The figure spoke.
"Come in, child," said the witch, in a voice so cliched it would make Uwe Boll weep.
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:04, archived)
# *chews fingernails*
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:09, archived)
# Trelly wasn't scared of no dusty old witch!
She walked in and looked at the witch. The witch looked back. "Hello, little Trelly. And welcome to my cottage. Did your parents not warn you not to come here?"
"Well, yeah." said Trelly. "Hang on... how did you know?"
The witch tapped her head. "I know a lot of things." Supporting her weight on a twisted walking stick, she rose to her feet and walked over to a rotting cupboard. "I was expecting you. Sooner, actually. I have a present for you." The cupboard door swung open before the witch even touched it. She reached in and removed a small wrapped bundle. "Here, child," she said. "Your great-grandfather wanted you to have this. When you were old enough."
With nervous hands, Trelly took the bundle and unwrapped it. Inside was a gleaming metal tube, almost as big as that personal massager she once found in her parents' bedroom. She pressed the small button on one end.
Instantly, a glowing yellow shaft of light appeared from the rod! She waved it about and it made a "Wom-wom" sound.
"Oh wow!" she said. "Thanks!"
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:11, archived)
# :D
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:14, archived)
# This sounds familiar...
(I helped save b3ta! Barbarossa is not my real name, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:15, archived)
# "You said something about my great-grandfather?" said Trelly
"He was a great warrior," said the witch.
"Phhht. No he wasn't. He was a caravan driver from Burnley," replied Trelly.
"That's what your parents wanted you to think. He was a knight in the service of King Quentin, a hundred years ago. He defended these lands for many years, smiting evildoers and poking naughty people with that magical weapon. It's called a glow-pokey-sword, by the way. And the warranty has run out so be careful with it."
"Urrm, okay..." said Trelly. "So, what now?"
"Now you have to go home, hope that evil knights haven't killed your parents, then become a knight like your great-grandfather. Evil stalks these lands."
Trelly raised an eyebrow. Everyone knew evil knights didn't exist anymore, not since the Kingdom became technically a constitutional monarchy and all evildoing was outsourced to the lowest bidder. But, nevertheless, with directions from the witch, she skipped merrily home, trying not to damage too many trees and bunnies and butterflies with her new glow-pokey-sword toy.
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:17, archived)
# Within the hour,
Trelly returned home. Her parents were waiting anxiously.
"What time do you call this, young lady?" said her father. "You're late. Your dinner is getting cold. And what's that great big magical sword thing you're waving at the cat?"
"The witch gave it to me. She's not scary, just a bit loony. Says I have to become a knight and go poking naughty people and stuff like that. Can I be a knight, daddy?"
"Certainly not!" said her father. "Not until you've washed your hands. And stop taunting the cat."
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:21, archived)
# *glee claps*
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:23, archived)
# Later that night,
Trelly thought about what the old loony witch told her. Was the mad crone telling the truth? Or had she just blatantly stolen the glow-pokey-sword from a passing plagiarism? She resolved that, in the morning, she would find out for herself!

So, at about eleven o'clock, Trelly bundled up her glow-pokey-sword, a sandwich, a carton of Ribena from the fridge, her favourite ragdoll and fifty pence she had been given for her birthday, and set off towards the nearby village. It was a short walk, perhaps ten minutes, but the distractions of butterflies and bunnies and a somewhat bored-looking magpie sitting on a scarecrow (which, oddly, was not alive nor willing to accompany her on her quest) ensured the trip took closer to an hour.
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:27, archived)
# The village of Parpington!
With a history going back centuries, Parpington sat astride the river Parp. Nobody knew for sure how it got its name, but suburban legend stated that the great explorer, Oswald the Flatulent, originally discovered the river.
Trelly skipped up the village's main road. She knew that if there was one person in Parpington who would know the truth, it wouldn't be the librarian, Barbie Rossa. Instead, she would ask the official village gossip, Waggletongue Katy.
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:33, archived)
# *giggles*
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:34, archived)
# Waggletongue Katy was in her official location,
leaning on a garden fence specially erected for her use in the village square.
Katy took one look at Trelly, then glanced at the glow-pokey-sword. "Aren't you a little short to be an Evilpoker Knight?" she said.
"Am not!" said Trelly indignantly. "The witch said it's my destiny to become awesome or something like that!"
"Aye right. Go home, Trelly, and tell your mum that Mr. Daffodil the butcher is secretly a horse fetishist."
So Trelly, somewhat disappointed, wandered back home. On the way, she found a rather shiny pebble so it wasn't a complete loss after all. So, after washing her hands, repeating Katy's gossip and carefully putting the glow-pokey-sword away in her Toybox of Special Cool Things, Trelly ate her lunch.
And they all lived happily ever after.
The End.
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:40, archived)
# Dear Tribs
I am currently in the middle of a shit few days, and YOU have cheered me right up. If I ever have any money ever again, I will buy you a pint. Y'know, if you're ever at a bash. Or something.

Anyway, thanks :D

Yours Gratefully,
Trellis (Mrs)
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:45, archived)
# Aww! Hurrah!
And, you're welcome :)
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:47, archived)
# *claps*
(I helped save b3ta! Barbarossa is not my real name, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:46, archived)
# hahah this is total win
*nominates for thread of the year*
(I helped save b3ta! Mighty Nibus who dares gins | @nibus, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 16:03, archived)
# I don't trust that foxcub...
Edit: I was right!
(I helped save b3ta! Barbarossa is not my real name, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:54, archived)
# *wide-eyed with excitement*
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:54, archived)
# sorry to perturb you
on your candle day Mrs T :( ...but the truth must out!
(I helped save b3ta! cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:31, archived)
# Nae worries and nothing personal
But I always always hated that part of the whole Crimbo thing. You're happy, there's stories of donkeys and camels and gold and frankincense and myrrrrrrh and then BAM slaughter of the innocents. No thank you, I'll keep my Christmas up to the bit before that ta.
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:36, archived)
# you must really enjoy your easter eggs then mrs T
:(
(I helped save b3ta! cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:37, archived)
[challenge entry] I know I do
(I helped save b3ta! 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:46, archived)
# hahaha
that'll cure my choccy addiction....(maybe!)
(I helped save b3ta! cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:53, archived)
# "Eating Turkey at Christmas Is Like Nailing An Egg To The Cross" says Bishop
Those are the headlines, god I wish they weren't.
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:42, archived)
# From what paper?
'The Daily Peculiar Simile'?
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:55, archived)
# The Christopher Morris Globe & Mail...
;-)
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:01, archived)
# Nailing an egg to the cross ehh?
I now have a purpose for next Easter, to nail a creme egg to a cross.
And put a crown of thorns on it.
And some tatty pants.
Oh and a fake beard.
(Brigadier Arthur Charles, Mrs, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:56, archived)
# Ooh, and a loin cloth!
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:57, archived)
# Loincloth = tatty pants
Not really much difference is there? Strategically ripped-off pieces of the covering foil should do the trick!
(Brigadier Arthur Charles, Mrs, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:00, archived)
# Oh yes of course sorry
My brain just read it as 'tatty shop' and didn't question why....
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:03, archived)
# Hahaha
As I've said before he hates kids!
(I helped save b3ta! 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:26, archived)
# Superb!
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:26, archived)
# hahah, I love that!
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:29, archived)
# I fucking love this!
(I helped save b3ta! Joe Scaramanga with a G-double-O-D vibration, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:32, archived)
# hahahahaha
had to change me Tena then :)
(I helped save b3ta! cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:33, archived)
# Hahahahah
I was looking at that for ages before I realised it didn't say HE-ROO.

I was thinking "wtf is He-Roo?"

(I helped save b3ta! Barbarossa is not my real name, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:26, archived)
# ^also guilty as charged
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:29, archived)
# Likewise
(Mrs Trellis GIN, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:36, archived)
# me too
to be truthful :(
(I helped save b3ta! cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:38, archived)
# a HE-ROO
is what Bonnie Tyler was holding out for ...or so i am told
(I helped save b3ta! cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:30, archived)
# A male kangaroo, eh
each to their own...
(I helped save b3ta! Barbarossa is not my real name, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:32, archived)
# :)
(I helped save b3ta! J Peasemould Gruntfuttock Alpha Mike Foxtrot, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:27, archived)
# He has the power
And the power to turn scenes homoerotic with his bulging man muscles.
(cenaris Is dividing 3 by waffle, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:27, archived)
# I wish to state right here, right now,
that if anyone has read my QOTW post relating to School Nativity Plays, I was not dressed like He-man
(although it may have been preferable)

/I chuckled at this image :)
(I helped save b3ta! The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:28, archived)
# Denial just draws attention to your fibs
I bet you made the cutest little He-Man.
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:30, archived)
# hahahahahahahah! crikey! :D
(I helped save b3ta! theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:29, archived)
# ahahaahahaaa
(I helped save b3ta! pzyko Query failed., Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:29, archived)
# hahaha
Took me a while. I was wondering who Heroo was.
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:38, archived)
# he man you say?
(I helped save b3ta! yanmania... last shagged your mum on, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:43, archived)
# SPANG!
(I helped save b3ta! 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:44, archived)
# Pffft! Excellent!
:D
(I helped save b3ta! Prequal This is serious business. Very serious., Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:53, archived)
# HE-ROO?
i don't get it
(I helped save b3ta! Spunky McPunk not dead yet, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 14:56, archived)
# deliberate font malfunction
move along now!
(I helped save b3ta! cakeburglar still bored with Freebase, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:03, archived)
# hahaha
(I helped save b3ta! drbroon abloooobloobloo, Fri 25 Sep 2009, 15:19, archived)