This one puzzled me - eating dry porridge oats mixed with sugar.
The ex one day declared that this had been his favourite snack as a child, and decided to make himself a nice big helping.

He stirred up a pint pot of it, and started eating it with a spoon, smacking his lips and saying 'Ooh, lovely! You should try this!'

I declined, and minutes later, when his mouth was clogged up with soggy oats and he could eat no more, he sheepishly admitted that it was awful and that he'd had NO idea why he'd ever thought he'd eaten that mess.

Perhaps he'd dreamed it.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Sat 31 Aug 2013, 17:14, 34 replies)

The Honda MTX 80.
A young Me liked to ride motorcycles and was on the way to becoming familiar with a nice Yamaha 175 trials bike. The trials bike was stolen and as a replacement an MTX 80 was given. About the most pathetic vehicle I have ever used -- and I've driven a few half-dead Metros in my time.
Really, truly, the MTX 80 is something to be confined to the past and only spoken of in hushed tones by those who have suffered.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Sat 31 Aug 2013, 16:11, 3 replies)

corduroy dungarees and fair isle sweaters
these things should remain in the 70's where they belong.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 31 Aug 2013, 15:51, 13 replies)

TROUSERS OF THE PAST.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 31 Aug 2013, 14:40, 5 replies)

The past was rubbish?
No.

I accept it as a learning experience on this journey we call 'life'. There was justice, injustice, truth and lies and all other kinds of opposing conditions that you imagine are part of life.

The past wasn't a great place, and neither was it bad. It was what it was.

From it, I gained experience, was taught a few lessons - and some of those quite painful, but it prepared me to be a reasonable bloke and live a pleasing enough life and to be a good man to my family, friends and fraternity.

The older I become, the more naive I feel that I was and that I missed some opportunities on both sides of the line.

The past? Reflect on it - and turn the experience into something that matters to you. The only time the past becomes immaterial to you is when you're dead.

The present and the future? To paraphrase... "It'll do, pig, it will do." Family to love, work to be done and other things to occupy one's mind - that's enough.
(EffinNitWit asks his tobacco where his whisky is, Sat 31 Aug 2013, 13:58, 19 replies)

Plenty of TV shows from my youth are still pretty good:
The Clangers, Bagpuss, SuperTed, and so on. I have particularly fond memories of Trap Door, which would interrupt Get Fresh on a Saturday morning. Tragically, my brother saw fit to buy the DVD and give it to the kids - it is impossible to remain pleasantly disposed to anything, when you're exposed to the entirety of it, all at once, again and again and again.
Likewise, Bananaman starts to look pretty shitty by about the third episode (although that may have been deliberate). I could probably watch DangerMouse all day. but that's not been tried, and never will, for fear of ruining it forever.

Apologies, "TV shows of my youth" has been done to death already, but I doubt I'll be the last. Nostalgia's not what it used to be, eh?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 31 Aug 2013, 10:06, 8 replies)

Fool Circle.
*This may or may not have happened. Sadly the theme is somewhat true.*
My mate Tobey is a nice, gentle fellow. Caring and nurturing, he's always worked hard and done the very best to look after his family. Including his parents and grandparents (whom he was very close to as they helped raise him and his sister whilst his parents were out at work). Particularly his Grandma Ethel.
After many years of hard slog and finally getting a promotion and some tidy bonuses Tobey and his missus Dianne decided they wanted to move out of their palatial 5 bed, 2 bathroom home with yard and swimming pool in their gated suburban community to closer to the inner city lifestyle. It would be expensive, cramped and their two kids would have to be uprooted from their schools and friends but Tobey would have much less of a commute and they could go to a fancy coffee house just around the corner.
In short Tobey and Dianne are wannabe hipster douches. Wannabe's because most hipster douches are younger and don't have kids. Put it this way - after years of being a fellow FPS gamer with me Tobey, on Dianne's extensive technical advice (all the other mum's at playgroup had iPhones) and his entire family "went Apple."
Yeah.

But anyhoo aside from that they found a place in North Perth. It was only 3 bedrooms and 1 toilet/bathroom/laundry. On a piece of land much, much smaller than their suburban block - no yard to speak of. It had been renovated about 10 years earlier and cost about AU$400,000 more than they were going to get for their old house. It was about 3 doors up from where Tobey's grandparents had raised his parents (before they had become more affluent and moved out to the suburbs - where they could afford bigger houses and more land). Oh, and the cafe strip was 'walking with a pram distance'. So they put their place on the market 'subject to sale' and headed off to their bank to talk mortgages.
About 6 mths. later Tobey decided to pick up his grandma Ethel from her nursing home on her 92nd birthday and take her home to show off where they lived. Now Ethel was old and infirm but still as sharp as a tack. So there her and Tobey were sitting on their narrow veranda enjoying some wine spritzers after lunch when Grandma leant over and said to Tobey,
"Where are all the children?"
Thinking he meant her great-grandkids he said -"Oh, inside on the wii."
"When we lived here you couldn't drive down this street quickly for the number of kids playing in it - including your parents. There seems to be a few young families nearby. So, where aren't the children outside playing?" she asked.
"Oh", said Tobey catching on. "Their parents are too scared."
"Scared of what?" Ethel asked.
"Umm - pedos, strangers, people hooning in cars, drug dealers, prostitutes. You know all the things that happen in an inner city 'burb nan." said Tobey absent-mindedly.

"So you're telling me you moved from your big house in a suburb where only the people who lived there were welcome, where you had a much bigger house, yard and you had a pool. To this place which cost you more and where you are too scared to let your kids out the front door because of all the deros?" asked Ethel.
"Well, yes." said Tobey.
"Tobey, you're an idiot." said his nan.

tl;dr - Can you remember as a kid being told to "make sure you're home in time for dinner"?
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Sat 31 Aug 2013, 7:05, 18 replies)

I was in the bath with Sean Lock the other day. We bathe together on a regular basis and the main
reason is for me to make sure that he does not go wallow in the idea that his best years are in fact behind him.

"Rastacise, was genius." I says to him. "The whole 15 storeys high and the radio show were brilliant."

Week in and week out, him offering encouragement. However, the other week things started to go a bit strange. It was about the point when the bath water starts to become less than body temperature, a bit grey, the Mr Matey isn't as foamy and conversation has come to an end.

"The 8 out of 10 cats does countdown needs a rethink," I proposed, as a conversation.

"Why?" says Sean.

"Well, that Joe Wilkinson is to say the least dated and I am not sure the nation is grabbing onto his bosom nor indeed is he clutching the nation's bosom."

At which point, Sean stands up and I clearly see his urethra start to open and spiralling out of the urethra comes what I can only describe as piss. Sean had accidentally pissed in the bath and because I was so shocked my mouth was agape and his piss went in my mouth.

We laughed about it later but our hearts weren't truly into the laughter. I cancelled the next bath night and instead went to Chariots II and watched old re-runs of unsatisfying gay pornography on the large screen plasma.

Washed up old comedians will never trump iniquitous visits to gay saunas with re-runs of old pornographic films starring Aidan Shaw.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 23:13, 1 reply)

The Beano the Dandy and Whizzer & Chips.
Read a few of these lately.

Absolute shite. Badly printed, awful kerning, horrible colour schemes and oh god so shit.

Nostalgia ruined.
(yeswehavenopasties, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 22:07, 2 replies)

Has Ringofyre been banned again then?
Maybe he's finally drowned himself in his 44,000 litre saltwater pool that he bought with his dead mum's money.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 19:28, 10 replies)

The middle school approach to gym nakedness
Youth was nerve-wracking, full of abrupt demands to comply with irrational rules. I remember the transition from elementary to middle school as being particularly worrisome. In elementary school, recess was carefree, but in middle school, physical activity was more regimented. I worried about showering with other boys. What good could come from that? I lost sleep over it.

First came the gym clothes. We were required to purchase clothing and write our names on it using magic marker. Since the ink bled, the letters had to be large to be legible, but of course, the larger the letters, the shorter the name had to be. Planning the damned thing was hard. And no mistakes either.

Then there was the jock strap. I didn't know such exotic semi-clothing even existed, but to protect our precious balls, we were required to wear one. The arse, of course, was fully-exposed.

The locker room was a dark warren of lockers packed with smelly, sweaty clothing, lorded over by my classmates, a pack of baboons. Resembled the opening of "2001: A Space Odyssey", excepted that they were all hairless.

The first day of gym class, I stripped down, and carefully put on the jock strap. The locker room fell silent. I looked around and realized everyone's mouth was agape. Despite the clear written requirement, no one else had actually complied and bought a jock strap. Everyone else had briefs. I was the only one with an exotically-exposed arse. Much hooting from the baboons.

The shower was a nightmare too. I had a protruding breast bone from inadequate calcium nutrition when I was three, and it attracted attention. At one point, I was the target of a towel-snapping attack by a cluster of naked baboons. I lunged to grab a towel, missed, and grabbed the baboon leader's bollocks instead. Which led to much more hooting and an accelerated attack.

These days, if I want physical activity, I go to aerobics classes full of exotically-dressed women. Better for the psyche.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 19:05, 2 replies)

This qotw was actually fucking terrible all along.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 18:50, 2 replies)

It's A Curse
It's a curse
Well thy forsooth
Who is that interesting hack over there?
By Gad, verily
Cracked curse
disliked
burdened
It's a curse
And am not unguilty of using it

"You, your tone is....
You tone of everybody"

Trying to bolt out of
Trying to get over
Operation mind fuck

"I do not like your tone.
It has ephemeral whinging aspects."

It's a curse. I am not unguilty of using it.

Waiting for you to f....
Trying to get out of
Tryna get out of
Waiting
They are waiting for you, bitterly, for you to fall over.
It's a curse.

Down their long egg breath
Cheap shaving lotion days
Their sandwiches stashed under their side seats
Their froglike chins ready to burst
I tell you, it's a curse, it's a burden
Trying to get over bargain vampires
In shops
I tell you it's a curse

"You, you tone is...."
Trying to get out of
It's a curse
Shafted over
It's a curse
It's a burden
That's burden
Operation Mind-Fuck

Look back bores
Bach and Wagner
All you really need is a good Schwartz
It's a curse
Balti and Vimto and Spangles were always crap,
regardless of the look back bores.

It's a curse.
Shafted over.
Trying to bolt out of.
Waiting for you.
It's a curse.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHgLtm3U5cg
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 18:40, 7 replies)

Landrovers
I passed my test in 85 or somewhen and the families pride and joy was a short wheel base petrol Landrover. Economy? 12-22mpg. Handling? Had it up on two wheels once and regular slides during the summer, 2.5 tons and melting tarmac, etc. Steering was via some over engineered gearbox and meant 45 degrees of slack in the steering wheel. There was no such thing as a straight line. Winter was far worse cos of the Aluminium sheet bodywork. Freezing weather meant the panels shrank and thinned and the truck became so noisy earplugs were needed (with your date or mates - what a conversation piece). Brakes? Non-assisted Drum all round lead to a 2 second warm-up period followed by lock-up if not judged well. Driving past a Pub late one night there were some arguing drunks outside with yours truly doing a regular 30mph approach when one guy gives the other a shove out into the road. God was on his side that night, he held his balance. If he hadn't he would have been under the wheels and fucking dead. No question about it, just would never have stopped in time nor been able to swerve. There is something about the experience of being close to killing, not to mention its a fact that follows you for life if it happens. Youth of today? Subaru STD, grip stability and stopping, crumple zones and low front skirt - they don't know how lucky they are.
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 18:34, 9 replies)

Teh intahweb*.
Go back a decade and at this time of the day nobody else seemed to be on the internet.
Now they have their new-fangled iPhones and, at last, when I m in the pub after a hard day abusing electrons there are people posting thoughts on this here inner-tube.
Shame that freedom of speech is threatened in many cuntries though -- the ex CCCP battling the UK and Australia in the race to the most pathetic censorship laws.
*I think that is how you are supposed to describe the world wide web and its associated traffic nowadays.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 18:17, 4 replies)

Panini Football Stickers
Me and my mate Chris were reminiscing about collecting Panini football stickers, and had a moment of realisation that now we both had full time jobs, collecting the full set of football stickers would be so much easier.

A couple of £50 purchases each meant we had tonnes of stickers in the book, and a load of swaps. Of course at the age of 30, not so many swappers to swap with.

But there in the back of the sticker album was the answer - they did swap events at many football stadiums and our local one, at St James Park in Newcastel was only a week away. How we giggled, we would just go down and swap away. It would be a hoot. A funny story for the chaps and we would fill in our albums in one fell swoop

...

I have never, and will never, look more like a paedophile. We wandered around a room full of 10 year boys with our swaps for about 5mins enduring the suspicious and hostile stares of their fathers and the worried looks from the staff until we, without swapping one single sticker, sloped out of the event never ever to mention it again.
(aneraseroflove excuse me...i have to go to space now, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 17:57, 1 reply)

I don't know why people say that school is the best time of your life.
Some cunt dropped pencil sharpenings all over my head when I was at school.

:(
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 17:52, 4 replies)

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE ANGRY CAPITALS CAN YOU GUYS KEEP IT DOWN PLEASE YOU'RE GIVING ME A FUCKING HEADACHE YOU BUNCH OF PANTSHITTERS

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 17:40, 1 reply)

I used to like going to France
Until that whole Jacob Dyer incident.
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 17:13, 2 replies)

the 1970's were a wonderful enchanting time for me
that was my childhood decade. As soon as we got into the 1980's my wide-eyed childhood innocence had gone, spoiled forever with a decade's worth of strikes, umemployment, greed, hairspray and lamborghini shoulder pads. The 1970's should be a time I can look back with fond memories of "It's A Knockout", "Seaside Special" and "Jim'll Fix It". "Top of The Pops" with Dave Lee Travis, Gary Glitter, Jonathan King and the Jackson Five.

Is it a decade I can now look back on with fond memories?? Is it fuck!! - all my memories are spoiled, tainted, defiled forever.

I would have still been able to look back with great fondness of the 1970's if it hadn't have been for those pesky kids keeping all that fiddling a secret. They all knew it was wrong but did they stop a bobby in the street and tell them what was going on, like all the public service adverts on telly told them too? Did they fuck, they just let it go on and on and on and on in secret. Don't tell me they didn't see all those "Charlie Says" on the telly - they were on every 5 minutes. But no, they all kept it to themselves for 40 years on purpose just to spoil my notstalgia. Well I hope all their teeth fell out from all the sweets they accepted from all those popstars in cars, the selfish fuckers!
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 16:44, 6 replies)

It used to be adorable.
But I can't help but feel creeped out when I see the host holding a puppy when I watch old clips of Animal Hospital.
( Muns, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 15:17, 2 replies)

I CLAVDIVS vs Rome
BBC4 recently repeated I Claudius so I TiVod it and have been working my way through. The story is a cracker, but...
- The sets and lighting are less than convincing.
- The acting is very, er, theatrical. It's about the most toned-down performance from Brian Blessed I've ever seen, but it's still very blocky and stagy. Derek Jacobi is good, and Sian Phillips is even better, but compared to the kind of stillness and subtlety than even the cast of Hollyoaks can muster these days, it's slapdash.
- The make-up looks shit. If you've never seen it, many of the actors have to play characters as both teenagers and pensioners, and generally "pensioner" effect is achieved by glueing some packets of crisps to their cheeks then spraying them with beige exterior emulsion and putting some talc in their hair.
- The direction is "for television" in the same way that the Jubilee boat pageant was i.e. it wasn't. Even TOWIE doesn't lurch from a wide to a close-up in a single shot. They clearly tried to shoot it in as few takes as possible to try to capture some kind of spontaneity, but the overall effect is of sitting in the middle of a play performance, rather than being immersed in the story.
- Even the theme music sounds like it's been nowhere near a record producer; like someone with a 1970s tape recorder just hit the and
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 15:05, 7 replies)

Ray Harryhausen and Dr Who
Film and TV special effects used to be terrible. They were great at the time, because nobody had seen, or could do, any better, but looking back now they were rubbish.

Now they are mostly pretty good, and any that do use old-style effects these days have upped their game to compete with CGI so much that they aren't shit any more either.

As evidence, compare any Harryhausen-esque stop-motion with, let's say, Wallace & Gromit (which uses the same techniques*). Not nearly as jerky and amatuerish watching Gromit clean windows and watching Jason pretend to fight skeletons, is it?

*Ok, Harryhausen invented most of the techniques, but Logie Baird invented telly and I don't plan on swapping my 46" plasma beastie for one of his nine pixel monochrome efforts.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 14:52, 21 replies)

THIS MATERIAL WOULD NOT MAKE IT PAST THE TUESDAY SNL WRITERS MEETING. WE CAN'T ABORT FETUSES BECAUSE MALE FETUSES ARE MASTURBATING AT 15 WEEKS ..... AND THIS SHITFUCKTARD WAS A OB GYN. I PITY THE POOR WOMEN WHO WERE HIS PATIENTS AND I THINK IF HE HAS CHILDREN THEY SHOULD BE CHECKED FOR CHILD ABUSE.
( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 14:51, Reply)

Don't tell anyone..
..but the Treworgey Tree Festival was actually a load of old toss.
Gaye Bikers On Acid? Carter USM? What were we thinking?
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 14:45, 5 replies)

Pac Man
It was shit then and it's shit now. Ms Pac Man was equally shit. There's no way to make it not shit. If they gave him a gun and turned it into a first person shooter it would just be Doom. Which was shit.
(Thor McLegend FUCK SHITPANTS PAC MAN, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 13:46, 10 replies)

Anyone remember the B3ta radio show?
That was also shit.
( Muns, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 12:52, 1 reply)

I LIKE CORY BOOKER'S ATTITUDE. THEN THE OTHER GUY IS JUST SO SPECIAL.
" AS A GUY I LIKE BEING A GUY ". WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN ??? THEN IT GETS BETTER. I DON'T GET MANICURES OT PEDICURES, I LIKE TO PUT A FOOT LONG CUBAN IN MY MOUTH. THAT IS JUST SOMETHING I NEVER UNDERSTOOD. HOW DO GUYS THINK THAT HUGE CIGAR, REALLY BEING JUST A BABY BINKIE MAKES THEM MANLY. MAYBE IT'S JUST ME, BUT I DON'T GET IT.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 12:50, 6 replies)

has anybody said shitpants nugent yet?

(alright alright, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 12:31, 4 replies)

NUGENT SHITS ON TOP
SHITPANTS
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Fri 30 Aug 2013, 12:25, Reply)