Little buggers
A friend and I spent some time some wasps which lived in a little hole in the ground, by shooting at them with an air rifle. They got real riled up.

Some time later I decided to go back to the nest to see if they were still riled up, and boy were they still angry... A whole swarm of them surrounded me, and chased me across a field. I thought I'd got away but a few of the blighters were clinging to my clothes - socks, jumper, etc, and proceeded to sting me at random intervals. I was 30 at the time, so I had no excuse for stupidity (but then, after the petrol/lightsabre incident I seem positively intelligent in comparison).

We went back with an improvised flamethrower made with a can of butane gas and a couple of sticks, and torched the fuckers. That showed them who's boss.

Oh, and I once got stampeded by a shetland pony when I was a littl'un. Left a massive hoof-mark in my back. The cunt.
( dr_fonz, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:03, Reply)

Argh...bedbugs
After going on holiday to Italy with my housemates, we picked up a couple of hitch-hikers and brought them back home. For those that...mercifully...don't know, bed bugs are evil little scrotes about the size of a ladybird. They make their nests in your mattress or bedframe, or any kind of furniture, then come out at night. Initially white, they acquire a distinctive dark red hue after feeding. On human blood, which they suck right out of you while you sleep. They seemed to like my friend's room, as they would congregate on the walls above his bed, though I woke up to find one nibbling on my finger *shudder* and one ran right across my shirt as I was watching TV. They're nippy little buggers too. We had the house sprayed loads of times and they still came back - eventually we all moved out, leaving the landlord to deal with the problem (they didn't, incidentally, they just didn't tell the next lot of tenants). Desipte taking all my stuff and chucking out/boil-washing/scrubbling/spraying with Jungle Formula/burning I still found a specimin had made it with me to my new flat. Cue another round of visits from Rentokil. My girlfriend went mental - it was a key factor in the break-up of my relationship and even though I've moved again I still get the terrible paranoia that I might encounter the little bastards, because apparently they like to attach themselves to your clothing, and you can pick them up from cinemas, public transport etc. Be warned, and pray you never encounter them.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:01, Reply)

Another 'Fowl' story (see what I did there?)
Mum, uncle and grandparents took us to sort of pub with a big garden that had a little river at the bottom of it. I think I was about 9 and my sister 10 or 11. Most of the time there the rest of the family all sat laughing while we were getting chased up a tree that hung over the river, by some mean white ducks and geese plus a few others to back them up. Our pleas of help were unanswered for a good 40 minutes
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:00, Reply)

Ambushed
Last week - in the dark, stepped out of my front door on the way for a pint, only to stand on a cunningly placed hedgehog, causing me to fall on my arse. Didn't do the little fucker much good either.
(Chillumm, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:00, Reply)

My youngest kid who at the time was
was feeding peanuts to an albino kangaroo, her twin sister was trying to tie her shoe so I turned around to help her. At that point I heard a growl, then a thump and saw the roo grab her jacket, go back on it's tail and kick her. She landed, winded about 5 metres away.

The twin sister has been bitten by a cuttlefish, a blue tongue lizard and stepped on a flathead (fish) and been spiked in the foot.

My middle daughter was attacked by a koala at the same place about a year before.

Same kid also got bitten on the leg when she was 7 by a white tip spider, nasty little fuckers have a neurotoxin in the venom that rots your flesh. Still has a dent in her leg.

My oldest kid was in Costa Rica earlier this year she got bitten by a variety of bugs and spiders but on her last night, got a bit pissed and went to bed without checking it. Scorpion got her on the foot, she came off the plane in a wheelchair.

My missus had been in Australia for 4 days when we took her out bush to see a bit of the country. In 3 days she got scratched by a 2 metre lace monitor (fucking big lizard), bitten by a rabbit and a camel as well as being kicked by a kangaroo. Also about 30 mosquito bites and 6 bull ant bites. It was the end of January and when She had left Liverpool it was a bit cold - to about 45 kms north of Broken Hill where it was 48 degrees in the shade - ha ha ha ha .

Me personally, well lots of retards but they don't really count I suppose, otherwise a bitten by a brown snake (very venomous), a possum (8 stitches), several feral cats and a really pissed of sheep (trying to remove lambs to dock tails) who bit me on the arm and back - still got the scars.
(peewee13, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 12:00, Reply)

At the zoo
tiger sitting next to the glass, yawning, relaxing.
Brat 6 year old kid on other side of glass, slapping the glass. Mother looks on.
Tiger ignores.
Kid slaps glass louder.
Tiger ignores.
Kid shouts and slaps glass.
Tiger jumps up and smashes right into glass, full force, like , well like a big f***off angry tiger.
Kid falls backwards over kerbstone, mother drops coke all over kid and self. Kid covered in juice and crying hysterically, mother shouting abuse at tiger.
Tiger resumes yawning, with slightly smug look in her eye.

Me and mate laughing hysterically and "bonding" with the tiger.
(ah sod it tinsels chummily, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:58, Reply)

Dolpin Sex horror
A Devonite mate of mine tells the following story at the drop of a hat- usually when trying to justify his seething hatred of dolphins.

Apparently he and a group of his backward west-country chums were fooling around down the beach one day, when they spied one of those loveable marine scamps splashing and frollocking its way towards them through the surf. They all eagerly envisaged an enjoyable afternoon laughing and catching rides on its back, like in the stories they had all heard about other people reading.

Unfortunately, it appears that Flipper had other things on his mind. It turns out that one of the girls in the group was in that magical pre-menstrual state where she was leaking pheromones like a sex-crazed skunk, and this had frazzled his dolphin-senses. The clicking rape-fiend then proceeded to single out this girl from the group and attempt to stick his long, thin dolphin cock in any available orifice.

Cue much splashing and attempted get-away. Thanks to the thin layer of swimsuit she managed not to get fully violated, but by all accounts her thighs had been bruised black by the vigorous thrusting of the cetacean love-member.

Safe to say, she never went in the sea again and my mate now affects a chronic dislike of dolphins. Even though I reckon he knows that she was asking for it- slut.





Apologies for lent- blame Jesus. Arsehole.
(BiffTannen, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:54, Reply)

OK this link might have bindun
but here you go anyway attack squirrel of death
this is a really funny story. 5 minutes of laughter guaranteed.
(ah sod it tinsels chummily, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:47, Reply)

killer ducks
around spring time, and after their ickle wickle cygnets are born, daddy swans become very VERY territorial.

judging by some prior posts this can become an issue on a canal boat - or of you;re unlucky enough, when feeding the bustards.

however, sitting in a single scull ( the smallest of all rowing shells) in the middle of a river, one is a little more 'exposed'.

so. i row past the nest, giving the swans 'lair' a WIDE berth. not wide enough for Mr Swan, who decided when i was fifty metres downstream already, that im still a threat to its grey ugly duckling fecking spawn.

note to reader. when a swan is about to launch a charge, it starts moving toward you in spurts.... kicking with its unseen devil legs under the water.

then its head goes down backwards into its wings... further and further....

and then it launches.. full on...

onto the back of your boat. where it lands hissing and generally being ultra agressive.

it followed me for a couple of miles doing this.

thanks for reading. its therapy really....
(magictorch, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:46, Reply)

Height of knackers = Great Dane's mouth
A mate and I were playing football on the local fields when we were about 19. A lad was walking (being dragged by) a Great Dane. The dog was let off the leash and immediately lolloped over to play with the ball. My mate did his George Best impression and 'nutmeg'ed the dog. The dog immediately lunged for my mate's knackers and held on. Much screaming ensued. When the dog finally let go my mate inspected the damage. Fortunately the teeth had sunk in everywhere around the genitals and only scraped the surface of his bollocks. Nice.
( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:46, Reply)

Years ago I chased a squirrel through central park till it ran up a tree and shat everywhere
and last year, one of those rare wee monkeys wandered into my tent looking for food in Sodwana Bay, south africa.

we both screamed. it ran. I chased. Have you ever chased a small herd (school?) of monkeys?

Glorious.
( WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:46, Reply)

When I was about 8
I was riding my sisters shit pink hand-me-down bike with her and "a friend" (never liked that tiny skinny blond cow) to the local newsagents when a fat fly flew right in my eye at top speed. Mashed up reall good in my open right eyeball. Sis was having a laugh with this girl while I stumbled blind from the carcase lodged in my eye and in pain to the greengrosers next door to the newsagents where i knew the shop keeper who kindly scooped it out, wings and all.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:44, Reply)

Where I got my monkey obsession...
When I was a wee lad of about 6 I lived in Nairobi, Kenya. It was a regular fun game for me and my (younger) brother to watch cartoons and laugh at the monkeys looking in on our windows as we did so.

The monkeys obviously took the mockery of us roughly monkey sized pink things to heart, as one day me and my bro were exercising our right to childhood innocence and making a den in the garden using bits of old tat when we heard rustling in the trees. A swift look up revealed a pack of angry monkeys bent on revenge for our childish pointing and giggling from behind the safety of glass.

Cue me and my lightning fast brother zipping at great haste for our front door with numerous grumpy simians on our heels. Tragically, half way towards the door (clearly several miles away in my eyes) I bit the dust, and a wave of fear came over me because clearly the most terrible consequence of being attacked by monkeys was - to my terrified of needles 6 year old mind - was a tetanus injection, which due to my skinny nature would be in my arse. I wailed and gnashed my teeth mightily.

Fortunately next doors Labrador appeared barking madly, scaring off the monkeys and saving me from a certain monkey-based doom. I'm sure then mummy came and made it all right.

However, a useful bit of the psychology of 6 year olds can be taken from this exercise, expressed as:

Fear of injection in the arse (is greater than) Fear of death

To this day I retain my anal virginity and a monkey fixation.
(incrediblemonkeydoctor www.rantatsomeone.com - go on, have a rant, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:44, Reply)

Tiny tiny fly fuckers...
While happyly rideing my bmx arorund a spiffy track on holliday when i was small(er) speeding allong a tiny white fly decided its going to fly right into my eye... not very nice, but before i can even think of slowing down i get another bastard one in my other eye!
So i'm going about as fast as a small bmx mounted kid can with bastard insects in either eye which are instincively closed, needless to say i fly over side of the course and fly several meters in the air with my eyes closed...

Bastard rubbish flys..
Insects are just plain shit.
(bigglestheflyingpoo, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:41, Reply)

Bloody wasps
I was paintballing in a forest a few years ago with a group from uni.
In one game myself and another bloke crawled through some undergrowth in a stunning flanking manoeuvre, leaping to our feet and charging towards the target in the closing seconds of the game. We were just about to become heroes when I heard a buzzing sound rather too close for comfort, followed by a series of stabbing pains around my neck. It seems we'd crawled over a wasp nest or something. I looked over and sure enough, the other guy was being attacked too. And then a dark blob obscured my vision - a wasp had crawled inside my goggles through the ventilation hole...
For those of you who have never paintballed, you are told to never ever take your goggles off in the game area, even if the game has ended (which by now it had), for blame-culture financial safety reasons. However, it seemed to me that the chance of losing an eye to a stray paintball was rather slimmer than the chance of losing it to the angry wasp that was contained half an inch from it, so I didn't wait long before ripping the goggles off. Of course the marshall was suitably unimpressed and threatened to end my day's paintballing for this crime (I could've entered this for the jobsworth QOTW too...)

Five or six stings to the neck, and thankfully none to the face. A small price to pay for such an entertaining anecdote.
I still hate wasps. They love my length though.
(moik, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:39, Reply)

How could I forget this one?
When I was about nine or ten years old I was stung just below my right eye by a great big bee, and said eye swelled up like a hard boiled egg. It bloody hurt too. My parents, ever mindful of a photo opportunity, had me standing on our front steps and had the nerve to complain that I "wasn't smiling"!!

It transpires that I'm allergic to bee and wasp stings, and always have to have some antihistamine tablets handy, as apparently it could kill me next time.... :-0
( BobbyParadise, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:33, Reply)

Relating to ivorp's story
When my sister was doing biology in college, she got really bored and decided she would swallow one of the experiments woodlice for £20. She got it and kept it in her mouth for ages, till she nearly chocked on it and eventually swallowed. Now shes not the sort to touch creepy crawlies, and she still cant belive we remember that.
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:28, Reply)

Animals Attack
I am scared of big dogs and they know it. When I was 12ish I was playing footy with my brothers in a park when I noticed a large white french poodle running towards our 'pitch'. I naturally assumed he was hell bent on attacking me so i ran to the safety of the trees. Unfortuantely said poodle was faster and probably assumed it was a game as it launched at me mentally scarring me and making me a laughing stock to my brothers and all the on lookers.

Silly old biddy blamed me for running :(. crap dogs anyway

also again playing football. My younger brother used to collect daisys while I was playing and on this occasion stored them in my trainers (i had my boots on). On finishing the game I placed my trainers on and then spent 5 minutes screaming and running in circles trying to kick my shoe off as the wasp inside stung my repeatedly. I am still mocked for it to this day.

sorry for length
( Smashy only 35 years of work to go :), Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:27, Reply)

brightly coloured trainers
You know the sort that Adidas made a couple of years ago? I had luminous yellow ones and they were beautiful. Sadly, when visiting the Biosphere II reserve in America, a large yellow butterfly decided he liked my shoes as well, and wanted to mate with them.
Cue running around, screaming, and throwing my shoes across the road. I was only about 11 though so that makes it alright, doesn't it?
(violetsheep, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:25, Reply)

He hasnt struck yet, but he's out there
We have a kamikazi bluetit in our back garden who started its hobby about 3 months ago, Hurling itself into the same corner of our kitchen window almost daily with his eyes burning with the fires of Hades. Only moves to the other back window when Im on here. Im scared to go in the back garden.
Havent seen him in a couple of weeks
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:22, Reply)

When I was about 12 years old...
...my dad and I went to the zoo. Now, they did this thing where you can feed the elephants bits of carrot and so on.

Naturally obliged and so I chose my weapons, a piece of banana. Nice harmless banana. Bah. The offending elephant happily accepted his treat, smooshed it up REAL good... and sneezed.

Now, if you've ever been sneezed on by a person, you know how much comes out of a little nose. Now think huge trunk. My word.

And just to make matters worse after I comprehended what was going on, he sneezed again.

Elephants are rubbish.
(dirty gypsy, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:18, Reply)

A few years ago
A few years ago I though it would be interesting to eat an ant. I picked one that was quite large by British standards - maybe 10mm long. I popped him into my mouth and swallowed. He bit the inside of my throat.

Serves me right, but I feel tremendously guilty about it now. A young ant life, full of promise, lost to a thoughtless human.

Oh, I was 23 at the time.
(lardaholics anonymous, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:17, Reply)

Apes
When I was 4 years old, our family went on a special day trip to the zoo (can't remember which one mind) after spending the previous day endlessly singing the classic "we're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo - how about you, you, you", we were at last on our way.

After spending a few hours pointing at snakes and laughing at Giraffes we came to a large round glass enclosure, containing some big trees with lots of stringy armed, pendulous breasted Urang-u-tans swinging in old lorry tyres. I thought this was the bees knees and started pulling faces at them and knocking on the glass. I turned round to my sister to say 'good eh' and noticed her face completely drop, I turned back round just in time to see a 20 stone ape crashing into the glass at full speed 1inch from my face in attack mode!

I actually shat my pants as I ran through a parting sea of laughing on-lookers, and had to spend the rest of the day stinking of poo and wee.


Ape bastards


*length etc*
(cherry B, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:08, Reply)

Bee.
One beautiful morning last year I was standing at Surbiton Station waiting for my train to work. The sun was shining and it was lovely and warm - I was full of the joys of spring. As I waited for my train, I noticed a bee of absolutely mammoth proportions (or at least it seemed tennis ball sized) flying recklessly about. It began to circle me in a menacing manner and being the big big wuss that I am, I flung my handbag on the floor and ran about 50 yards up the platform (as I did this I saw people laughing). The bee was in pursuit and as I circled back and picked up my bag, the bee was flying round my head and occasionally brushing my ear and cheek with its evil furry body. I had attracted an audience of mildly curious and bemused commuters by this point so I tried to stand still and take some deep breaths. But the bastard thing wouldn’t leave me alone. So. This is where I start to cry. Not a small, discreet sniff - a full on, shoulder shaking sob with tears and arm flapping. At this point, the platform attendant (to whom I am eternally grateful) came over, shoed the evil bee away, waited with me and saw me safely on to the train. Where I cried most of the way to Fulham. When I got into the office I was obviously tear stained. When asked ‘why?’ the only answer that could come from my mouth was ‘I WAS ATTACKED!!’ When I added ‘by a bee’ I realised I could never again command my colleagues’ respect.
(rumandcoke, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:06, Reply)

Not actually attacked, but
When was about three or four years old, a friends parents brought a new Labrador puppy. It being a puppy it was quite enthusiastic and jumped up at me, a lot - scaring the shit out of me. It has taken years to get over this fear of dogs. I'm generally okay now, with the exception of rottwielers and pitbulls.

Also, swans – one of the bastard things bit me when I didn't let go of the bread I had in my hand quick enough. It made me cry.
( Goldfish_, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:06, Reply)

Humans
nasty buggers they are.
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:05, Reply)

Wasps!
When I was tres young on holiday, I put a hose pipe into a wasps nest and turned it on. Needless to say the little blighters went mental. Some holiday chum I had acquired dared me to run past and I duly complied. They chased me for a good 100 metres until I eventually came to a dead end and had to turn round...I got stung about 5 times.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:02, Reply)

evil little bastards
bees. every bloody year i get attacked by bees and their more shitty wasp cousins.

the worst of these summer insect-wars took place many years ago... having just started at a new school in cambridge, i was keen to impress my new found freinds. so one fine afternoon in the first week, i found myself invited to join in a game of football, whereupon my less than amazing skills became apprent. then, disaster struck. i felt something on the back of my neck, and just went to scratch it, only to then be hit by a blinding pain on my back - then another, and another, and another. the wasp in question managed to sting me seven times before i dropped to my kness screaming and ripped my shirt open, much to the amusement of my new chums.

needless to say, i certainly made a lasting impression.

later that week i got stung again on the sole of my foot in my garden by a bee. a dead fucking bee at that.

i now own a beekeepers suit.
(bodders i'm a mighty pirate, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:01, Reply)

Dogs, mostly.
But a swan once, down by the canal. Scary fuckers and, contrary to popular belief, not graceful in a fistfight.
(Small Beer, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:00, Reply)

When animals don't attack!
I put my hand on a pig poo covered fence once. I'm talking Diarrhoea pig shit sprayed all over the fence and little old me puts both hands on the fence. I could feel the squish and it spread between my fingers. Not sure if that counts but its been the most appropriate place for me to tell such an...exciting tale
(TheSadisticThespian, Thu 2 Jun 2005, 11:00, Reply)