Annoying, but the best shag ever...
... She'd get me to take her to dinner, then gently suggest, following her sweet, that I take her home and make love. Fine!
When she got drunk she ask to be taken home to be FUCKED, with a capital F. Best sex I have ever and I mean, EVER, had.
Then things got really heavy in the serious department, marriage, move in, stop over a few days.
All this when she agreed from the outset it would be just for fun.
Then the phone calls, "Now you've fucked me you don't want to see me again". Nothing was further from the truth.
Why is it that we are not able to run a relationship as agreed from the start?
(Hugh Jambton Wun Hung Lo's mate, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 22:28, 2 replies)

I bet Rory's boyfriend has the best story this week
.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 22:26, 2 replies)

One of my ex girlfriends
loved me to go down on her for ages and ages, but she wouldn't watch Horror of Fang Rock. So I chucked her.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 22:13, 3 replies)

FUCK OFF
AND GET YOUR OWN CHIPS BITCH
(meepmeep is, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 21:51, 1 reply)

Minimalism
I used to live like a marine - everything neatly tidied and squared away, everything clean and tidy, no clutter and little or no furniture except for a futon and a weights bench. I could cook full meals with very few utensils, tidy up after myself, and generally behave like the OCD freak I acknowledge myself to be.

My (now) wife moves in, and within a month, the place looks like Widow Twanky's fucking wash-room. There are clothes everywhere. It looks like Boots have backed up to my bathroom and emptied a lorry's worth of supplies in there. Soft furnishings are now breeding like rabbits, and there is an alarming upswing in the volume of crockery, pots, pans and single-use kitchen utensils, which now festoon every single available surface in the kitchen. I no longer have a bedroom - I have an Ikea showroom.

This isn't limited to the house.

Any time my car is borrowed, it comes back filled with tissues, sweet wrappers, receipts, carrier bags and fuck alone only knows what else.

What. The. Fuck.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 21:51, 7 replies)

She's a bugger for wanting what she can't have.
We broke up nearly three years ago now, and I thought we'd become good friends. Apparently, she's thinking we're a little more than good friends.

It's very difficult to fend off a drunken Yorkshirewoman whose sole aim is to pin me to my bed and do naughty things to me. Doable, but difficult.

If her boyfriend ever found out... oh my.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 4 Aug 2011, 21:29, 7 replies)

I dumped my supermodel ex-girlfriend, because she wouldn't quit her whining about the time that I drove my sports car well over the speed limit whilst off my face on drugs.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 20:51, 6 replies)

Timing deaf
Newton's lesser known fourth law is that the more tone deaf one is the louder one must sing gratingly out of tune to Magic FM at 6:30am when one's partner does not have to get up for another hour.

This is a situation I imagine most people here will have been in (on one side or the other) at some point in their lives. Personally I have now built up quite a relatively strong immunity and it doesn't really bother me that much anymore.

My missus however has taken this to a whole new level. She is what I have christened 'timing deaf'. This is a remarkable skill whereby she will, without fail, start singing at least one note too early for EVERY, and I do mean EVERY, song which comes on the radio no matter whether she likes it, hates it, has heard it 50 times before or just once, no matter the genre. It's not even just at the start of the song - she does it every time there's a pause for longer than a bar.

What takes it from mild annoyance to ripping the hair off my arse and shoving it in my ears to block it out is the fact that there's no pattern to it. Sometimes she's a bar early, sometimes just one note - one time she started singing the closing refrain to Hey Jude while it was still in the middle of the first sodding verse!

Apparently she does it at work too and they find it cute.
(Milo Minderbinder, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 19:53, 1 reply)

Today's hangover was an annoying partner to last nights drinking.
That's for damn sure.
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 19:35, Reply)

I love my girlfriend.
Shes awesome.
But i would say that, she'll be reading this.

P.s babe, you're getting fat and the sex is getting boring.
(Margatemug, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 19:32, 2 replies)

My husband is 6ft. I am 5'2"
He has a habit of leaving the upper kitchen cabinet doors wide open at 90 degree angles which come over the edge of the work surface. This makes them perfectly positioned to:
a) not quite make out their position when viewed straight on that obvious
b) take my EYE OUT or SMASH MY SKULL IN if I move towards them because I am WEE
We've been living in this house for almost two years, and he still forgets how short I am, despite him buying me a set of steps for the kitchen so I can reach things.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 19:17, 2 replies)

Whilst I have my own flaws.....
Mrs Shmoo does not put the cap back on toothpaste tubes. Even if it's a flip cap. Why? It's not much more than a thumb movement!
Solution? She buys the expensive pump dispensers instead.

Hence I shall continue to leave the toilet seat up. (1 of 9 things she says I annoy her with)
( NooShmoo It's a fantazmagorical pile of ultra bollocks, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 19:12, Reply)

My g/f is very forgiving, easy going, groovy etc
so I have to say it must be my pettiness that what I feel is tantamount to 'hiding things so I don't know where they are' she legitimately calls 'tidying up and putting away'.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 4 Aug 2011, 19:11, 3 replies)

This is geeked up a little bit
G4VAE(&ES(&YO<WDN#0I-86ME(&UE(&$@<V%N9'=I8V@@8FET8V@A
( zacherynuk @echo off, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 18:59, 5 replies)

most of them haven't annoyed me
i just get bored after a while. i tend to go for intellectual* men, or at least men who act like intellectuals. problem is, we don't really have much in common, so things fizzle out.
my longest relationship was with someone who i've spoken of here before; Creepy Thin Man. CTM had many, many annoying habits. i have listed some below. i won't list them all, nobody's got that much time to waste.
failing to uderstand that "regular bathing" means more than once a week.
coming into the bathroom for a shit whilst i'm in the bath.
storing food in his pockets.
using about 10 foot of toilet roll to blow his nose.
picking bits of crap from between his toes when i'm eating.
putting the ashtray on the floor right where i'm going to stand in it.
trying to have sex while i'm asleep.
putting fags out in his tea cup.
leaving teabags in cups.
speaking so quietly that nobody can hear or understand him. on the plus side, i've developed ears like a fucking safecracker.
eating like a camel.

as i said, there's plenty more, but that's quite enough for now.

*yes, ok, i mean geeks.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 18:28, 11 replies)

Just because you can, doesn't mean you have to...
Wavy lines to 10 years ago and first year of university...

Met a nice girl, a few boundary and ex boyfriend issues but generally a good solid girlfriend other little quirks included finding sex a bit painful and encouraging me to finish as quickly as possible (not normally a problem) and only giving me a blow job if I wore a condom. So after a few weeks together it was the Easter break and living in halls meant we both had to go back to our respective home towns. No great problem it was only 2 weeks and we both had Orange mobiles, she had the Orange everyday 50 (or 60 I can't remember exactly) plan, which meant she could phone me every day for free for 50 minutes.

So she did!

Everyday I got, in minute detail, what she had been doing, normally the same thing as the day before, it would normally take about 5 minutes to bore each other with our day's limited activity. Then I would be subjected to 45 minutes of tedium about life growing up in a small Welsh village, random drivel and awkward long silences whilst I counted down the minutes. As soon as the 50 minutes had passed, and I felt I had performed my boyfriend duty I would gently remind her that we (she) had been talking for 50 minutes. She, without fail, would say that it was only 1p a minute anyway so we can continue talking until I could find a reason to hang up (even to the point of rubbing my stubble on the receiver to sound like interference and a bad line).

Anyway after about 10 days of this she called me whilst quite drunk, I had just poured myself a generous Vodka and Orange when she called, I don't remember any of the conversation and I woke up hungover to a text message saying "I hope we can still be friends".

We didn't really see each other much after that, although it did turn out that it wasn't 1p a minute after she had used her allowance and she had ended up spending a fortune on boring me to tears and ending our relationship, oh well.
(Little Animal Disaster isn't finishing what he started, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 18:19, 6 replies)

Just when I'm about to cum on her tits...
... power-saving kicks in and I end up cumming on a blank screen.
Also, if I don't wear a condom it's damn hard to clean the semen out of the silicone rubber tubey-thing.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 18:13, 1 reply)

Not annoying as such, but about one year ago...
I met a girl who seemed like any other kind of idealistic, kind-hearted person. We hit it off quite quickly, and started going out with each other.

One day we went to sit outside Urbis, which for non-Mancs, it's where all the goths and scene kids hang out. (Yes, I was an emo then, deal with it.)
What happened next is as of yet unrivaled by any girl I met after her.

She would point at guys and tell me she'd slept with them.

About 14 of them.
In one Summer.
And they were munters.

If I ever manage to see a shrink, that'll have them going for a bit.
( Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 17:32, 18 replies)

One girl I was seeing.
Didn't even realise I was seeing her at the time! How mad is that?







Mind you I was using a telephoto lens at the time.
(FondaAccord, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 17:15, Reply)

Simple
She was just a fuckmuppet
(retrac fumble in the jungle, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 17:15, 4 replies)

I was dumped
As I don't believe in ghosts, mediums, psychics or other such guff.

The annoying part was she loved Derran Brown, a man who constantly dissproves what she believes in.
(Mong goose, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 17:06, 3 replies)

Not much annoys me. This is probably because my crippling, undiagnosed misanthropy means I don't really talk to anyone much.

The postman annoys me though, when he puts mail through my door all screwed up and creased. That is all.
(Freakmandu, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:54, Reply)

She's gonna blow herself up....
Love my wife, etc, etc....however we have a gas hob in the kitchen, the dials on it work like so:

6 0'clock - Off position
3 0'clock - Full whack and lighting position.
12 o'clock - Low flame.

Simple yes, It's done this way so that you can't accidentally extinguish the flame whilst trying to turn it down. We've lived in this house for 8 years, has she understood that yet, has she feck.....

Thankfully she doesn't use the hob that often.
( repooc, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:47, 6 replies)

Vegetarian ex-girlfriend.
An old ex of mine was a serious vegetarian and would never eat any meat product because she loved animals too much (This eventually included man meat, hence the ex status). Like any good vegetarian, she hated it when I would eat meat, except when we went drinking and i came home with a nice greasy doner kebab. Then it was all "Can i have your Pitta bread?" Forget that it was soggy from the greasy "lamb" that goes into a fine doner. Every bloody time. Oh and she loved to eat my Haribo sweets too. Main ingredient? Gelatin. So yeah, bloody hypocrit vegetarian.
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:38, 1 reply)

Penny for them
I've had two girlfriends who would occasionally ask 'What are you thinking?'. It's one of those questions which is almost impossible to answer sensibly, and it's really girl-shorthand for 'we need to talk'. I could rarely anwer with the truth, which is mostly something like 'Phwoarr look at her tits', or 'Who would win a fight between a sheep and a dinosaur'. But then as they told me, I'm very shallow.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:28, 18 replies)

Somebody once said to me...
"All women are mental, it's just how far up the mental scale they land. No woman to my knowledge has ever been below a 6!"

I make her right.
(TheBat, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:27, 8 replies)

I dunno if this is too general or cynical but let's try it anyway
This is pretty much how every adult relationship I've ever had has gone:

1) Emvee meets girl. They get along.
2) They start seeing each other. Emvee tells girl some of the things he likes. Girl wholeheartedly agrees that she likes the same things too. She suggests that Emvee and her spend a lot of time doing those things.
3) Time passes and emvee notices that they never spend any time doing the things he likes. He mentions this. A huge row ensues.
4) It turns out that the girl never intended doing anything emvee wanted to do, she was just telling him what she thought he wanted to hear. By now emvee and girl are in a "proper relationship", which means that he's pretty much living a life that a Victorian prude would probably find dull.
5) Once more, emvee dies a little inside as he realises that the whole relationship from his point of view was based on a tissue of lies. By now a break-up is inevitable, which is obviously his fault as he "just doesn't understand" or some such shit.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:26, 7 replies)

They say breast feeding is totally natural.
Well so is masturbation, not that you'd guess from my girlfriend's reaction on the bus this morning.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 4 Aug 2011, 16:26, 2 replies)