Where Should I Work Next?
In my IT career I have worked at the following banks:-

- Northern Rock
- Natwest/RBS
- Lloyds TSB
- HBOS

I realise that correlation is not causation, but there is a common theme here in their fortunes after I have been there.

Where should I work next, or better still will anybody pay me not to join their bank?
(Scooby Don't, Sun 19 Jul 2009, 2:48, 1 reply)

I had a pound in an account with the Woolwich when I was at primary school.
I lost the book, I never closed the account.

I bet it is worth a few quid now.

Bless 'em, what with the credit crunch an all, they probably need it more than me now.
( mikenco, Sun 19 Jul 2009, 2:34, Reply)

My one grudge with banks (so far)...
Is that things they have seem to be cut down to letters. Personal Identification Numbers and Automated Teller Machines. Now, this is fine. But it's when people use these shortened names, and then add part of what was shortened back on again!

It's a silly grudge, I know, but when people talk casually of the Automated Teller Machine Machines they visited, or the Personal Identification Number Numbers they have, I can't help but go, "aaaarrrrrgh!" inside. Also outside.

Why shorten it to make it longer? I even do it sometimes! ~shoots self with crossbow as punishment~
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Sun 19 Jul 2009, 2:26, 4 replies)

UK Banks
From what I've read in this qotw the UK banking system is apparently fucked.

Like me, there are hundreds of thousands of Kiwis who never carry cash. I use EFTPOS cards as every business accepts them. For internet purchases or the like I use a bank issued Visa Debit card (Much safer than a credit card). Most banks offer either a one of payment ($5 per month) to cover every transaction or a 10 cent loading per transaction.

ALL the banks are connected to a central system so any deposit to any bank is credited at midnight, cash deposits are available immediately at the same Bank not just the same branch. All ATM machines accept every flavour of EFTPOS card including credit cards and every ATM machine is fitted with an anti-skim device.
You're never more than 5 mins from an ATM machine, some shops/clubs even have their own private ATM machines connected to the network. Ideal for a busy club, they can fill the machine with notes from their cash tills.

Lost or stolen cards are replaced within 5 working days and it is possible to get a vanilla card - no name/expiry date from the bank branch in an emergency that will last 5 working days.(Actually happened to me last year)

I've banked with 3 different Banks here and they make it easy to move between banks. Sign the form and the Bank will arrange everything, moving your account, closing down the old account, setting up existing automatic payments and arranging similar overdrafts. If you've got a good credit record will even move your mortgage at the same time unless you got one of those 'got you by the balls' fixed rate mortgages. (Ask a banker about the pitfalls and penalties re fixed rate)

So having banked for 30 years here without any major dramas the only real cock up in all that time was with the Royal Bank of Scotland which I use for holding external funds when I'm travelling. The account is always in credit and yet I've been hit with overdraft fees (difficult to sort out being far away and in a different time zone) which were eventually credited.
A charge to a new RBS credit card in South Africa which I found more than highly suspicious as I'd never used that particular card so how did the arseholes get the number and the account name?
And once they 'lost' a deposit I'd made in a bank in Hamburg. Took me a few weeks to notice the account hadn't been credited and then untold phone calls that got me nowhere. Finally I complained to the UK Banking Ombudsman (http://www.financial-ombudsman.org.uk/consumer/complaints.htm), filled out the form, attached the deposit slip and some other papers and six weeks later the account was credited. No apology or explanation as to what happened from the RBS
(Jimmyinnz was sprung at work on b3ta on, Sun 19 Jul 2009, 2:20, 5 replies)

Nat west karma
She handed me the "available amount" slip.

It was a stinking hot day and the the amount I could remove from my account was zero.

Right on cue, the trusty lurcher dog by my side threw up, copiously.

Perfick.
(Shashi, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 23:50, 2 replies)

I live my life a a few simple rules...
...one is that if column A is the amount I get paid every month, and column B is what I spend money on, then the value of B should never exceed A.

Vigorous adherence to this rule seemed to confuse HSBC when I use telephone banking. Apparently, being in credit equals 'desire to take out loans'. Careful definition of being in credit and probably not needing a loan then ensued, and thankfully, I no longer get a sales monkey pimping their wares to me.

Indeed, when I did need a loan, it so happened to occur when I had qualified. Dragging myself into the branch with the appearence of a straggly student, I was met with glares similar to be found with the great unwashed trying to gatecrash an exclusive party. That was until some further gentle explanation that my visit was two-fold. I did wish to borrow their monies, but I also wanted them to change the 'Miss' to 'Doctor'.

I got an appointment with bank manager there and then, who if I had asked to moon the oncoming traffic whilst wanking off a table leg, probably would have done so. They then also tried to sell me a mortgage.

I respectfully declined.

For me it appears that HSBC are fairly ok when it comes to banking, so long as you don't ever speak to them. Nowadays (well, to me anyhow) - they share the same desire with their customers.
(witty_ditty has made multiple miaows since, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 23:49, Reply)

I love/hate my ex-bank.
Nearly nine years ago. I was originally with "B" bank, before changing to "N" bank. Mainly because A) it was closer to where I worked....actually that's it really. So closed "B" banks account, and put it all into "N" bank

Anyway, five years later I get letter from "B" bank. I have £30 odd pounds in an account. So I go in there the next day, and say that I haven't had an account with them for a good number of years.

So they understand, they explain that there could have been a little bit left in the account. (Fair enough)

So I close the account again, and put it back into "N" bank.

A year later, a letter from "B" bank. You have £1 odd. Repeat the above. That I closed the account. Aaaaand a year later. Another letter from "B" bank. Guess what I have.

Well at least they're giving me free money. But it's just a pain to walk that far.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 23:37, Reply)

Apologies - It's not funny...
A few years back Mrs Jono wanted to open a couple of bank accounts for the kids. Because the kids are from her first marriage they have a different surname to us.

So in to Scabby National she trots to open said accounts, where she is asked for proof that the children are indeed hers - in order to prvenet money laundering (I kid you not). Having a different surname to the children, and indeed to the one on their birth certificates, Scabby cannot be convinced that she is indeed their Mother, preferring instead to believe that she is a Russian gangster (with a Home Counties accent) and the children are drugs mules.

So I wander across the road to my bank, where I ask to open two childrens accounts. "Certainly Sir, just sign here please". No ID needed - let alone a genetic link.

Well done LLoyds - fuck you Scabby (or should I say Shitander)
(jono_h, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 22:15, Reply)

Barclays overseas are just as helpful
We recently went on holiday and I took my new Citibank card which has 3 currency accounts attached to it. Before I left I deposited many Euros in the Euro account, called them and asked them to link the card to the Euro account. All well and good so far.

Until I realised I'd forgotten the PIN number (new card you see, thought I'd changed it but hadn't.) Oops. Luckily, we were in a restaurant where we know the folk very well and I was able to sign the receipt. This was Friday night so we weren't able to get to a bank until Monday. We had enough cash and other cards to see us through till then. On Monday I went to a branch of Barclays, set up to serve the expat community in the Algarve. I smiled, explained my foolish error, showed them my passport and asked for a cash withdrawal. I figured being a Brit, in a Brit bank, needing help in a strange faraway land, they'd be lovely and sweet and sympathetic. No chance, flat refusal.

Arse. All that holiday money out of reach. I tried a branch of BPI and they couldn't have been more helpful. The cashier said that seeing as my card 'looked' like a credit card, she'd call through for the authorisation and not say anything about it having 'debit card' printed on it. Result: lots of nice fresh Euros ready to exchange for food and beer.

Barclays- you are Olympic class cross border nobbers.
(randomstupidname would really like this signature field to be bigge, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 22:11, 2 replies)

Fucking thieving bastards. All of them
The bank that holds my mortgage will telephone the ever loving hell out of me to pimp their shit. Constantly. Remember this fact.

After the collapse last year said bunch of fucking thieves decides that I have to prove I have homeowner's insurance. Funny...I haven't had to do that in the previous TEN GODDAMN YEARS that I've had the mortgage with those assholes. So they ask me...in a letter that looks like all the rest of the dreck I get from those fuckers. Which I routinely toss. And getting no answer from me, they raise my mortgage payments by 100% for the first two months of this year for THEIR insurance. Could these cocksuckers pick up a goddamned phone and CALL me? Fuck no. Of course not.

I get the payment booklet, see the change and go completely apeshit. I go down to my local branch where they try to get me to go home and call the mortgage division. Fuck that shit - it's the same fucking company and you assholes need to find out. Branch manager gets me calmed down, gets somebody on the phone who explains what happened. I look at the branch manager and tell her point blank that most people would just pay - but I'm a pig headed cheapskate who won't put up with this crap. And that instead of picking up the phone they smack me with the charge...and that this whole thing is nothing but a profit center shakedown. And I told her that when I get the house sold that her company will never ever see another fucking dime of my fucking money. EVER. Hell will freeze over and swine will be in the landing pattern at Heathrow before those bastards get my money again.

Fuckers. I detest bankers.
( HairyTwatter certified eel and sodium salesman, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 19:52, 1 reply)

Premium Bonds, Foreigners and Gary.
Heading to my local Abbey branch (Now Santander?) I went to receive my plunder due to the sum of £50.
£50 I'd won via Premium Bonds, such a joyous bounty I thought, I couldn't wait to add the princely sum to my account.

Then came my downfall in the form of the woman behind the glass panel of poor communication and bitter memories. This relatively simple task of receiving my money was about to become a lot more difficult.

For you see, lurking behind the counter of questionable convenience was a woman.
This woman, was foreign.
Ugly too, uglier than a combination of pus, blood and a cat all blended up into one gruesome smoothie. (Patent Pending)
She also had a massive mole malingering on her mug.

The next five minutes were an incomprehensible exchange.
I didn't know the exact type of account I had. I didn't know the jargon. Why was she not giving back my cash card. (At this point I only had an account to withdraw money from the machine, no fancy debit card for poor old Crud.) Apparently I had a savings account, also apparently this wouldn't do. A few confused and not entirely agreeing nods later I was being led somewhere.

I should mention that I was with my friend at this time. He'd been standing behind me quietly chuckling.
At this time he sort of broke into a bit more of a roaring laugh, quickly quieting for fear of too much attention.

I was sat down in front of a jowly, balding man named Gary. To be fair he was nice enough, friendly.
While my friend comes, sit downs next to me and laughs snickers solidly for the next ten minutes.

I come away from it with £500 moved from my main account to this new one with a not too shabby 5% interest. My main excitement came from the fact that it'd also apparently come with a debit card. My mind filled with images of things being bought from the internet! What joy would come!
I left, not too unhappy if a little bemused. My bonds had been cashed and I'd received a new method of buying utter wank.

I swear I even saw the ugly foreign woman and Gary do a little high five and even a little dance. Some sort of bonus they'd receive? Or perhaps a quota they had to meet, who knew or even cared for that matter, I was content.

One week later comes my new card. I open it up in excitement and look in and see...
Yet another bloody cash card.

The utter cunts.

(That makes three now.)

Apologies for length, it took me long enough to get the first account set up and there weren't any people speaking in broken English that time.
(Crudler, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 18:01, 2 replies)

I opened a joint account
At the bank of love about a year ago. I made one small deposit soon after, and nine months later the dividend came through.

I get to make a paltry deposit every month now, but the monthly charges on the account are killing me. (I also have an earlier account opened before the official one which after four years I'm starting to see a regular emotional payback on.(At the same bank I might add)).

However, the cashier is of above average extraction, so it's not all bad I suppose. The benefits that came with the account more than make up for any shortcomings I find at the end of the month, especially considering all my day to day needs are taken care of.

All things considered, I think my money's far better off where it is thank you very much, I wouldn't like to think any of those money grabbing bastards at the bank have their mitts on it for very long, (In fact I know they don't) cos I don't see that much of it! My bank loves me dearly and I return the love with chocolates etc as well as the monthly deposit. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Moral? There are better things in life to worry about,
Moral.2? Don't answer a qotw with a poor attempt at humour with an answer in which the pun is tenuous at best.

I'm off to buy a lottery ticket
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 17:25, 1 reply)

Incompetence, bureaucracy and money
Any 2 combinations of the above are infuriating.

It's no wonder people get mad with banks: incompetence is inevitable to some degree in large organizations (with thousands of employees there have to be at least a few numbnuts in there) and the other 2 are what the banks are built on...


...I'm glad I don't work in banking...honest...ahem...
(minlan no longer barks at bancleys, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 16:39, Reply)

The bank I go to is lovely
It is run by two ladies who are best friends, and know everyone by name and have a chat with them. Their kids go to the local school, they jog together at the gym and eat picnic lunches on the grass outside the bank. When I was young I very much wanted to be bank lady #3 to be friends with them, as they make it look fun!
(Mrs Ballunatic counting calories, not votes., Sat 18 Jul 2009, 16:24, Reply)

Unbelievable.
I have a checking (current) account with US Bank that I don't use - I used to bank with them before switching to Washington Mutual (now Chase) and the account has lay dormant for a year with $20 in it and $40 in the savings account. I also have a credit card with them that when used is paid off within the month.
Last night, I got a letter saying that I had gone overdrawn and was incurring fees of $8 a day, as well as the initial overdraft and overdraft fee. This puts me under about -$125 as of today.
I called the call center last night, who informed me I can't do anything and have to go into my branch today, even though I was willing to negotiate there and then - an old direct debit for my Barnes & Noble annual membership had come out - I just hadn't changed it over so it is my fault.
They couldn't and wouldn't do anything, so now I have to go into the branch and see what the branch manager can do for me.
Wish me luck! (The initial amount was $28 + $32 for the overdraft fee).

Edited for update: Woo! So I swan into the bank with the hangover from hell, all red eyed and still stinking of last nights booze and ask nicely to see the manager. Him and I looked at each other with a glance of knowing.....he was also red eyed and looked like he'd had a good Friday night!
Freely admitted it was my fault, and after some going back and forth (including a discussion on the best way to clean a catfish) he reduced the amount I owed to the initial overdraft amount plus the fee! Yayness!
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 15:52, 1 reply)

One bank
has pretty much ruined my (credit for) life.

This bank who we shall call Barclays (for that's it's name) decided to ruin me financally for at least the last 6 years and possibly longer.
It all started when I was about 10, I got my first account with barclays, all fine and well until I started work at 16, I was getting £150 a week wages and I wanted to get a motorbike so I needed a loan.
I was accepted and I got my bike, as this point I had a standard account, no overdraft and simple where you put money in and took money out. They gave me £3000.
Then my new bike had a problem and needed to go into the garage to be fixed and they gave me a hire bike until it was sorted. This bike was too big for me (I'm 5' 3" and 8 stone) and I was ran off a country lane but a cunt in a white van.
I needed £500 to get my bike back and pay for the repairs to the hire bike. So I went to the bank and asked for an extra £1000 on the loan.
Now this was a different branch to my normal one and the "helpful" young guy told me that I should get this fancy account where if you have more than £400 in your account then it went into a savings "pot" and if you dipped below £50 then it would be topped up again,
I said no, I didn't want a change I was happy with the way things was, so what did he do? He changed it anyway with out telling me.

So the new loan of £4000 went in to my account where the original £3000 would be paid off straight away and then I would cover the £1000.

Simple? Nope! With this "pot" system, the £4000 went straight into the savings part and didn't pay off the loan. I didn't know anything about this, thinking that I had made myself clear that I didn't want my account changed.

I went on holiday not thinking anything of the fact that I seemed to have more money as these "pots" were topping up my account with the money that should have paid off the loan. I didn't know what was going on as the bank had also decided not to send me any more letters since I had moved, even though I had gone in to my branch the day I moved with my tenancy contract and told them and got them to sign a piece of paper to tell them that I had informed them of my move.

So a few months have passed and I've not gotten any letters, I went to a cash point to get some money, the atm eats my card. I go to the branch and was told that I owe them £7000 from both the loans and that they were going to charge me nearly double that to pay it back! They said that they had sent letters to be about it and I asked what address did they have and gave me the old one, I said that I had moved out of there 4 months ago and she said that they didn't know that and I should have informed them at the time of my move! I said that I had and promptly produced the signed letter stating that I had gone in to the branch to change the address. She didn't say much then. So I now owed them £13,000! with monthly repayments of £500, that was more than my wages for the month and I had to pay £250 on rent not including bills so I told them that I couldn't pay that much and they had to reduce it.

I was told that they wouldn't even though they know I only got £150 a week wages so that I would not be able to pay it.

The bank assistant asked me "so you are saying that you are going to default on your payments?"

I said "yes, as you can clearly see I do not have the funds to pay it"

ba "you can't do that!"
me "just you bloody watch me!"

and I did, I stopped paying it and apart from sending a letter saying that the matter will be sent to a bayliff's I've not heard anything since. That was 2003.

This was after I explained what the "helpful cunt" had done when I went to get my extension and suddenly this guy didn't work at the branch anymore and they gave me a number to call for a credit advisor who "would help me sort this all out and you would be able to pay an easier amount" Well this number always rang out and when I did finally get through, the woman was never in, or available amnd noone else would help me as they weren't assigned to the case. That branch was 4 towns away from where I lived so I couldn't go there and when I did go to my own branch I was told that they were not dealing with it and wouldn't help me saying it was my fault for not noticing earlier, even though they were sending letters to my old address!!!!


I have not been able to get a bank account since and I've had to work for agencys for 6 years because they could pay into my fella's account.
I am now a student and I had to get an investment account with ns and i as they are the only bank that don't check credit. I needed to get an account as the student loans people wouldn't write me a cheque, or put it into my dad's account, but that's another story.

Bottom line is, I know that in 2003 I owed around £13,000. God knows how much it is now. I really don't know what to do and I'm afraid that I'll be taken to court if I show my face now.

I'm nearly 26 now and I've not been able to get a normal bank account or get on the tenancy agreement for my flat (thankfully my fella and our housemates credit is good otherwise I'd be homeless)

I would like to get this sorted out so we can start thinking about getting a morgage and I would like to move on with my life.

Any suggestions? I know the CAB can help but I don't have any of the paperwork to back this up.

Length? 6 years and counting but it feels like eternity
(Soaps Roller derbying your way since, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 15:43, 11 replies)

Omnious Bankers
I wrote a while back about my experiences in Dubai working for the Ominous Integrated Creative Consultants.

They did pay me in the end – only after about 6 weeks complaining to the UAE labour Authorities.

Banking in the UAE is a laugh. No one trusts each other, mainly because the whole place is built on greed corruption and lies. So standard practice is as follows:

1. You get sacked (very easy to do, very few laws to protect you)
2. The company is required by law to inform your bank
3. Your account is frozen
4. When your final salary is paid in it is marked as such
5. Any overdraft, loans, mortgages, credit cards, and car loans get paid off in their entirety

But hang on I hear you say – a months severance won’t cover all that. And how are you expected to survive and look for another job if the banks have hoovered up all your your money?

The answer from Dubai is simply this:

Fuck you.

Because no one trusts each other and they are all crooks, any debits or credits on your account prompt an instant text notification to your mobile. So at the ATM I would often feel my mobile buzz in my back pocket before the money was even out of the slot.

This week I got a text around 8am one morning to say roughly £7,500 had been paid in. They had deliberately waited this long so they could be sure the banks were waiting and I would not see the money - a months salary some holiday entitlement and some expenses to cover half the cost of my belongings being in storage for 6 months (while my fate was being decided). I then received a further rapid series of texts to tell me it had been taken straight back out (to pay my credit cards and car loan). Naturally none of this authorised by me (oh, and they want the full amount for the car loan, not just that months payment). This instantly made me a criminal in Dubai and put me on a no fly list. Any attempt to leave the country would see me flung in jail - like hundreds of others have been in the last few months. No joke. No exaggeration.

By the middle of May this year it was reported that 4,000 cars had been dumped at the airport. Many more are to be seen dotted around the city, covered in dust with a police notice on the windscreen. So the true total could be more like 6,000 by now.

This is why, like many others I had to flee with my family in the dead of night. I won’t see my cash and frankly I don’t give a shit. So long as the Ominous Integrated Creative Consultants don’t have it and I am safe in a democracy where laws are created with something more considered than a wave of one mans hand - then in my mind I’m very wealthy. The irony is as soon as I got back home I was contacted by one of the main Dubai headhunters offering me another job. But to wait 30 days for such an offer before my Visa being cancelled and the prospect of no pay that month raised the stakes way too high for me.

Duabi is broke, conservative estimates suggest their debts amount to 107% of their GDP. But still the banks lend. Most of the major construction projects have been put on hold, delayed or cancelled. But still new towers were springing up during my final months there - financed by lies, built by slaves. Who will occupy them is a mystery. The property market has collapsed, prices down by as much as 60%. There are 10,000 empty apartments yet still they build more. Jumeirah Beach Residence – one of the most popular places to live is like a ghost town now – you walk around at night and there are very few lights on in those apartments. Even the designer boutiques below are being boarded up. The population is shrinking rapidly. Expats make up around 80% of the population. Or at least they did until the bubble burst.

Within a decade, Dubai will be bought for a song by Russians, Chinese and most ironically wealthy Indians. Emirati’s will be back out in the desert sitting on carpets wondering just what the fuck went wrong. I’m afraid I can’t really muster much sympathy for them.

Banks are bastards but be thankful that at least in the West we have dragged them out of the dark ages.
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 13:25, 20 replies)

Borrowed a tenner off a mate
back in 1998, and we were students in Manchester, so it was a not unreasonable amount of cash.

A few days later, I saw him again. Sadly, I didn't have the tenner on me to repay him, so I offered to write him a cheque.

"You don't have your chequebook on you, do you?"
"Don't need it. You can write a cheque on anything"
"Really?"
"Yeah, as long as it has your details on it and who you're paying it to, and you've signed and dated it and stuff, you can use anything. People do it all the time."
"So... what are you going to write me a cheque on?"
"How about this postcard?"

There was a cinema postcard nearby. I wrote my name, sort code, account number and bank's name and address on it. Put the date in the top right corner, signed the bottom right corner and wrote "Please pay [my mate] the sum of ten pounds only", followed by the amount in figures.

Several days later...

"Did you pay that cheque in?"
"No. I took it to the bank. They said it was acceptable, but, as it's a non-standard cheque, there would be a processing fee."
"How much?"
"£10"
"You should have paid it in anyway. I'd have given you the tenner just to see it go through."
( le brian, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 13:16, 4 replies)

Interjecting phonetwat
Davros' Granddad's story reminds me of a similar event when my nan died.

My stepdad was in charge of dealing with all nan's arrangements, and succeeded mostly without trouble; I forget which institution was the exception.

Stepdad: Hello, I'd like to speak to someone about closing Nannybakerloo's account, she...
Teenage phonemonkey fucktard: I'm afraid we can only speak to the account holder, sir
SD: Yes, I realise that, but I'm afraid it's not possible, so I'll repeat: could *I* speak to someone please, because Mrs...
TPF: Sir, I can't allow that. I am only authorised to speak to Nannybakerloo
SD: Well, if you'll let me finish, Nannybakerloo died this afternoon, so it'll be pretty fucking difficult for you to speak to her. Does this change things at all?
TPF: [audible gulp] I'll just place you on hold, Sir, while I see what my supervisor says
(bakerloo.boy, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 13:03, Reply)

Can't pay money in.
The Missus and I have our joint account with the Halifux (I like that term for them - I'm keeping it). Shortly before we got married, we had amassed a few hundred quids worth of pound coins in one of those Terramundi pot things (think piggybanks for grown ups). Naturally we thought it would be sensible to pay this into the account to help pay for the wedding, honeymoon and stuff. We duly got some of those special bags, and counted up each one with the correct value of coinage and trotted off to the bank.

After queueing up we approached the cashier, and informed him of our intent to add the coinage to our account. The resulting conversation went as follows:-

HIM: "Sorry, you can't do that."
US: "What? Why?"
HIM: "There is a limit of six bags you can pay in at any one time."
US: "... You're a bank."
HIM: "You could go to the Post Office and convert it to notes, and then pay it in."
US: "So you want us to go queue up somewhere else, then come back and queue up again, just so we can pay money into our account?"
HIM: "We really don't have space in our safe for the money otherwise."
US: "You're a BANK."

In the end we did go to the Post Office, and converted the bags of sterling into Euros, all ready for the Honeymoon. Now we're married, and despite numerous requests Halifux still haven't changed the Missus' surname on the joint account. They really are useless.
(Captain Skippy pooed in a bag and left it on your doorstep, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 12:48, 3 replies)

I slipped down one once
Got soaking wet, which was ok.

But then the piranhas turned up.

That was not ok...
( SpankyHanky, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 10:17, 1 reply)

Weymouth
If there is one thing I have learned living in a seaside town, it is this:

"Don't try to pop down the bank to pay all your bills first thing on a Monday morning."

This is because every single penny arcade in town will be in front of you in the queue, cashing up for the weekend.

I have found myself, hopping from one foot to the other, increasingly late for work, clutching a pile of bills that should have been sorted last week, while a bloke with a wheelbarrow slowly dumps his load (of MONEY, you filthy minded fools) onto the cashier's desk.

They have four desks open, and it's all penny arcade wallahs cashing-up, with only one set of money-weighing scales.

The other thing I have learned from this experience: "Gambling's shit"

Old skool QotW pay-off: Then I was sick in a hedge.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 10:01, Reply)

GRRRRRRRR!!
If money is the root of all evil, my bank is the rest of the fucking tree. Scum. I have a catalogue of tales of uselessness and downright robbery, but they probably have happened to and been posted by other people so I'm sticking with this one.

Just finished college, predictably skint, utterly overdrawn and out to grab whatever McJob with get me out of the hole I'm in until I find something worth doing. ££oyd$ decide that as Im no longer a student I cant have a student overdraft. Fair enough. So they offer me a loan, which I have to accept to cover the 'draft plus a few quid to live on. (I had to refuse to take an extra grand which they were trying to push on me, but I digress).

No problem until I check my balance and find that the loan has gone in but its short by about £60. Turns out, they had taken the overdraft facility away on the day I agreed to the loan but not paid the loan in for a few days, then fucking charged me for being overdrawn!!

Think about it, if they try this on every time, what percentage of people wouldnt actually notice? Thats got to be a nice little earner.
(DownhillGardener no-one does it like that anymore, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 9:48, Reply)

Sometimes they are nice...
Due to my having run-ins with banks on a frequent basis, my bank decided one day to remove my OD with very short notice (note, it was repaid in full each month and no defaults - they also froze my account EVERY Friday to Monday for 'security reasons', and also lied on the phone frequently telling me that it was 'just a dodgy cashpoint' making me drive the 10 miles to the next one only to discover that my account was in fact frozen yet AGAIN!).

I moved a couple of grand from my other account to cover the OD.

On the day they said the OD would be gone - it wasn't.

So I withdrew it and never paid a penny into that account again.

So I can only consider that they gave me a gift of 2800 quid to compensate me for their pettyness and all the trouble and inconvenience they caused me.

Very nice of them I thought.

I never heard another word from them (nearly three years) - which somewhat backs up my gift theory.
(dchurch bah, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 9:29, 3 replies)

American Express.
When I turned 18 I got myself one of those American Express Blue cards, where you don't have to pay off the full balance every month. I kept it up for a good few years and, after coming into some cash, paid off the full balance of £800 I had outstanding and gave them a ring to say I wanted to cancel my card.

AMEX: "Oh, you need to keep the balance at £0 for a month (maybe 2) before you can cancel."
Me: "FINE."

appropriate length of time later...

Me: "I'd like to cancel my card."
AMEX: "You have an outstanding balance of 28p."
Me: "How? I paid it off ages ago."
AMEX: "Oustanding interest, once you've paid it phone and we'll cancel your card."

So I pay the 28 PENCE(!!!) and phone them back, tell them I've paid off the balance and ask them to cancel.
"Sure, I'll just write off this 28p and cancel it now."

So EVERY MONTH for the past 5.5 - 6 years I've had a letter telling me I'm 28p in credit and asking if I want a refund, a they wrote it off and got my payment. Why the hell the first guy didn't just write it off is beyond me.

I'm never going to reply and I'm waiting to see how long I'll keep receiving these letters.
OR I might give them an abusive phone call and see if I can get something out of it. I've been in credit with them for years, you think that would improve my credit rating eh?
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 9:15, 2 replies)

This happened only this week...spooky eh?
So I get home from work on Thursday to find a shiny letter from the Council. "ooh!" I think, "maybe theyre giving us free money due to the uselessness of their bin collection service".

Turns out, it was a letter saying "you know that Council Tax wot everyone's supposed to pay? Well, we tried and failed because you've got no money in your account."

I check online, and lo-and behold, the bank has decided to remove our overdraft without a hint of a warning.

So the next day, I plod off to work and I send the wife to Abbey to get angry with them. Wife gets to the front desk woman who looks at our account and tells her "madam, this account has never had an overdraft on it".

The wife looks bemused and starts shouting "are you calling me a fucking liar?" Much to the amusement of the other customers in the branch at the time.

In an effort to appease my wife, the stupid bank woman says "well the computer says here that you are entitled to a large overdraft, but you have to come into the branch to ask for it, then we can activate it for you."

Mrs tico just shouts one line: "I'm standing in the fucking branch now, so why don't you give me my overdraft you bint?"

At this point, the bank retard gets flustered and has to go away (presumably to cry). A second woman takes over who apologieses for Abbey accidentally removing our overdraft without warning. She re-applied it there and then and removed a few charges that had appeared as a result.
(tico_24, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 8:58, 4 replies)

I bank online...
and have to be a bit careful when typing the name of my bank when logging on.

I wouldn't want to go overdrawn with fistdirect
(animal252 last activated his kitten hammer on, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 8:54, Reply)

Send in the heavies
Part of my job involves travelling across Europe for a week at a time to meet with various dev studios.

As you can imagine this can get quite expensive - especially when the company you work for won't ever pay expenses in advance because you 'claim them back' at the end of each week after they have studied your expenses form in minute detail...

Anyway, this means that you need to be sure of having the money to cover flights, hotel, food, (booze), etc ahead of time. Essentially it means you live off half your wages each month in case you get sent on a trip at the last moment.

About 3 weeks ago I was on such a trip to Romania for a week and had spent about £500 all told. At 4am I emerge bleary eyed to check out as my flight leaves in a couple of hours and I am anal about being late.

I go to the desk and hand over my card - the guy looks down then says "Transaction Declined - do not honour". Half asleep I just replied "meh?". He repeated the phrase and then showed me the printout.

Rapidly waking up now, I said "Impossible, I have over £1k in my account!" So he tries again. same result.

By this time it hadn't gone un-noticed that I was sneakily now being approached by two burly men. They asked what the problem was. He told them something in Romanian and they looked sternly at me. "You must pay".

I don't keep any credit cards (as I don't trust myself anymore...) so I replied simply that I couldn't but would "Pay them back" when I got to England. Quite obviously that was never going to be acceptable and I was about to be buried somewhere in a Romanian field, never to be heard from again.

Luckily, I have a good friend as well as colleague in Romania who came to my rescue in time to save my neck, but the second I landed back in UK I called my bank. They had cancelled my card as they thought it was stolen.

V helpful. Natwest - it's 2009 - people travel in big things called planes now all over the World! you have my number (Hint: it's the one you call me on repeatedly to sell me shit) - why not give me a buzz and see where I am first?)

Apologies for length - it shrinks when I'm scared.
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 7:18, 12 replies)

i'm permanently skint
i'm unable to work.
i also live alone.
why, then, did barclays see fit to send 16 credit card applications to my address, all on the same day, all with different names, none of which were mine?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 18 Jul 2009, 2:06, 2 replies)